wheres lynn

Hi Katt and Karen,

I am here, and yes to all three suggestions. A really bad happenstance took me down for a while. I went to counseling, yes. I went to Dr., got some medication so I can actually breath again.

I got a new phone two weeks ago, and found out I needed a memory card to use my camera at a gallery event. H gave me one from his old phone. BAD BAD BAD move. I know it was an old phone he hasn’t used since we met, it was in an old camera bag. BUT, two nights later when I was at, of all things, a support group meeting concurrent with H’s Celebrate Recovery meeting, a lady there asked to see my latest work.

I took out my phone to show her the photos. I couldn’t find them, and so opened up the phone’s “gallery”. The lady was right beside me, we were laughing and talking, and what should come up but two folders of VERY VERY violent porn. Beyond anything I’ve ever seen or imagined by miles and miles. It was so awful I couldn’t even speak at all.

They talked me through that, both counselors, thank GOD. One for rape survivors. That’s what I felt like.

I came home and put the largest cleaver we have through the laptop where that stuff was downloaded. I took all the computers (three old ones waiting parts, two CPUs, two additional laptops, all the computer paraphenelia, every flash drive and removable drive, every unmarked disc, and both phones with web capacity and put them in my van, with the intent of taking them to computer guy to sell or just trash them.

Then, wouldn’t you know it, in my craziness, I lost the key to my van and still can’t find it. $80 minimum to get a new one, so it’s still sitting, loaded up, in the driveway. And I can’t get around unless H drives me. Sucks.

Thank GOD I took this computer out and put it on the walk, or my son couldn’t do school. But I would’t let it in the house except for that til today.

I talked to Verizon, the photos are all on the card, and had them cleaned off. It was not a recent download. All the photos were dated August or Dec 2006. But it was a rude, rude realization of just how depraved H’s tastes really were. H insists that since then he’s had two more six months bouts with the porn and the last was culminated with the hookers, not with more violent porn. He said that stuff was so disgusting he was physically sick after looking at it, and realized he could not do that anymore. He swears that when he was destroying all the porn he had, he never even thought of that phone.

H said the last time he was in a porn ‘cycle” it ended with the hookers, not more violent images or videos. He said he just couldn’t take that. He said he’s just sick of the whole thing, and I do believe him in that. As to whether he can beat it, well that’s a daily thing. He has made a LOT of changes and has many accountability partners and opened up a lot to me. But is was so incredibly dark I just crashed.

The meds took me down for a couple days, I just slept. Trying to surface again. I am nauseous and shaky, still getting used to this. I don’t even take Motrin easily, I’m a very holistic minded person.

H did in fact lose his job because of the Anderson Cooper thing, he says, I don’t know if that’s the complete truth but my knowing why won’t give him his job back. H was devastated. Then his old company called and said they want him back. He always wanted to go back, so he’s working that out. It’s in CA, though. We’re in SC.

Soooooo very glad you’re back. Don’t worry about how the antidepressants make you feel. It does get better as your body gets adjusted to it. I’m so glad that you got some help for yourself. This is just way too hard to handle all on our own.

I know the shock you speak of finding porn pics. Though the ones I found were not as severe as the one’s you speak of. Still, all very shocking just the same. To think we thought we knew these guys only to find out that the side of them they showed us was all so fake.

Best of luck to you and much love …. Claire

Lord Lynn,
I’m so sorry you’ve been dealt this blow. I remember so well that feeling of being brought to your knees, and spending days on end not being able to function. I just wonder how much more you can take. Your H may be taking the right steps in turning his life around, but in the meantime it sure is taking it’s toll on you. I’ll keep you in my prayers, dear sister.
Lots o’ love coming to you.
Lindy

((Huggs)) Lynn. I am so sorry. What a traumatic thing to add to the already horrible trauma. My h also got into darker and darker violent porn, and though I believe in my gut that he hasn’t done it since entering recovery 7 months ago, the fact that he could even be into that stuff at any time is so horrifying, and so not how I would have ever viewed him. Just want to say you’re not alone in this. The horrid darkness of the porn world and the realization that we love someone who is/was into that.. I just don’t know how to deal with that. There’s a weird pathos tied up in there as well..for me anyway..and it all just completely messes with one’s head. Sending you much love and support. xoxo

Good to connect again, Lynn, even though its still really an awful story. Thanks for sharing. I know we get sick of our own story sometimes. I’m glad to you got some help and took your own pain seriously.

Now, I’m thinking ahead to the possibility of your SA going to CA, and you negotiating to stay where you are. Maybe he’s ready to just start over and would pay you off to make you and what you know disappear. Just wondering out loud here, Lynn. I know SC isn’t where you started but maybe he would move you back to where you had a job and a life. I’m just hoping you won’t move yet again for this man.

Still in your corner,
D.

I agree…another move would just isolate you more. I know it’s a lot to think about, but Diane has some good advice.

Lots of hugs to you.

It sure is good to hear from you all again. It is so nice to feel cared for here. And you all give very wise counsel.

I am thinking there are a lot more con’s than pro’s to going to CA. But I don’t have any pro’s anywhere else. My old job isn’t hiring now. My mom is moving. My sister has moved. The family is split up all over the place and nobody has the time or room for me and my crisis.

I’m just flat out of options, and frankly, mentally not up to finding a job and starting over. This has shot my memory and my motivation straight to the toilet. I am hoping the medication at least gets me functional again. I’ve been sooooo bad, forgot to get my daughter at school last week, that’s how bad I was. It just has to get better.

I have to move yet again, regardless. It’s his house he had with his ex, and I can’t stay when he goes. It was part of his divorce that he sells it and she gets half the equity (if it EVER sells, and if there is any equity at the rate real estate prices are crashing around here.) My old house still isn’t sold, but there are four vacant houses on that short street, now, and I’d be scared there, alone.

Aren’t I a cry baby, though!!!

I know a lot of you have it way worse than me. Outside the porn, which is supposed to have stopped in Oct. 2011, I have no real things happening, NOW, to complain of and I know many do. So, please forgive me for making like my life is the worst drama. It could be worse, I know. I just have to learn how to manage, and what to do, and do it without letting those images and fears into my brain. I’m trying so hard.

I’m so glad you are my sister, Katt. I hope to meet you one day.
as they say– here, there, or in the air.

Lynn, take good care, I’m thinking of you and so sorry for all your pain and trauma your SA has caused you. You are such a neat person, please do what you need to help heal. We all care about you.

Love, Nap