Who among us still has sex w their sah

SL,
Do you think you’re desire to communicate with your ex is a habitual thing? Do you have children together? Because if you do… friendly conversations will make life easier. When you have kids you will always have a form of relationship wth the other person… just not a marriage. So make that as pleasent as possible!

Dear Silver,

Nothing but honest curiosity in my questions. No judgement or caution even…just wondering how u feel on the inside because you are one of the few that got out and then found someone else? Diane has already sorted talked about her feelings in this respect. I totally get that you miss your ex husband because i HATE mine and still sometimes am glad to see his lying, cheating face. Its just that I have an electric fence around me most of the time. LOL
Dear Kim, I have read other stories where the guy that proceeded the current SA was no prize either. That is a VERY scary thought….that we could be loser magnets? I have only had the one husband and none of my previous boyfriends ever cheated on me…that I was aware of so i don’t have any previous experience with betrayal. Actually looking back…they were all nice boys really. So now I have to do that dreaded inner child work to see why I didn’t marry one of them. I am reading this book now “Silently seduced” and I am ready to toss it. I figure I better look inside in case I am in some scary repetition thing but the book freaks me out. I thought it was about what Nap was discussing…parents making their children their surrogate partners emotionally. It started out that way and now is on to sex addicts WTF I am going to force myself to read it even though I JUST discovered P Carnes endorced it! I am not sure I buy all this unconscious attraction stuff but I am trying to keep my mind open…even to the whole SA stuff…I am trying to stay open. Thanks for the shares girls. Its nice to share just about our OWN feelings sometimes instead of just analyzing their freaky behavior. Love Karen

Diane,

I love what you wrote and I can relate in many ways! You summed it up so well…from the kids…to the emotional availability…sensitive to your feelings….. All wonderful qualities my guy has too!! I loved it when we watched The Notebook…and he sniffled!! Ha! Of course, I bawled like a baby but still… A sniffle is progress from where I come from!! And once, when I had to leave to drive home, he cried a little and it was so sweet! I didn’t want to leave him anyway!!

He is so opposite of my SA, it’s ridiculous! And I cherish every difference and benefit from it as well!! I like what you said about giving less and expecting more….it’s so hard for me- I’m a giver…but he is pretty good about that too! (roses, poems, nice little surprises…)

Sigh….I just want to be happy for a little bit and not triple analyze it I guess….. But Karen, I will think about it as time passes and try to answer your questions! XO!!

My “thing” and I live in very small space but I try to avoid him as much as possible. He sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bed. Once in a blue moon, out of pure human necessity, I take my contacts out and have “sex” with him. I am 100% detached. I can’t see him, so I can pretend it’s anyone I want. I refuse to perform oral on him because I know where his basket has been. I’ll allow him to perform it on me because it’s the only way for me to have an O. He was never into kissing me {something that used to bother me but now..who cares? He kissed hookers}! so I don’t have to worry about the intimacy issue. And I always use a condom. However, my example is more than likely a bad one. My best friend tells me I’m insane to even have sex with him 1x every 2 months or so. She said it would be safer..and less disgusting..to go with a stranger. I can see her point, but who has the time and energy to go and meet anybody? Bottom line…I do have sex with him once in awhile, not often, and I am as emotionally detached from him as he is with me.

Love the disclaimer, Kim. Even during a rough patch, your humor remains intact!

NAP, fine but that means you’ll have to come out to Southern California and visit me 😉

Ok, here’s another twist to this SA experience that makes it impossible to feel normal. You have to ADMIT to having sex with your H like it was a crime or something. AND when you do have sex, at least, when I do, instead of feeling closer and fulfilled you feel what… dirty? cheap? guilty? stupid? like you did them a favor? like it will earn you one day of peace? LIKE THEM, maybe?

Taking a hit for the sisters, here I go:

Sex and the history of my 3 months since this began as I can remember it now with jello brain.

Week 1: None when I first found initial evidence of SA. I just remember he went on a business trip for 3 days the evening I found out, and then I went on a retreat to decide if I could stay there for 3 days, so for six days it wasn’t even possible. Then H was in counseling and recovery and I’d grounded with the sisters and my prayer retreat and felt it was hopeful though difficult to move on.

Week 2: Then a craze of it for about a week, as some have described “recovering your territory”.

Week 3-4: Then there was another dribble of information in a badly botched “disclosure” that made me afraid of exposure to disease and furious about the extent to which H had minimized his behaviors when he told me. I put H out, sent him to a hotel for a week. No sex that week til both our STD tests came back negative. After that only with condoms.

Week 4 – 7: Intensive time with counselor, and H turned over the papers he read so sparingly from in first disclosure. I felt that was a move definitely in line with recovery and sex returned to normal, every other day, but the condoms were hurting ME. We tried 4 kinds. Seems I am very sensitive. We stopped using them as H was being more open and keeping all appointments and calls with recovery partners.

Week 8 – New York trip. Just the thrill of being in a new place, swanky hotel, and the adrenaline of being scared to death and this crazy situation and the only person to hold me and share this with was H. Sex then. It was very good and I do believe that I was dettached. It was surreal, like floating above the bed while I watched myself be with him.

Weeks 8-9: Another round of disclosures and I couldn’t for a couple weeks.

Weeks 10-now: And now, back to this, where I am just so tired of it all. Just want it to go away. All my attempts to escape, or prepare a better future are being headed off at the pass. I am feeling completely and totally held as hostage in this relationship and so I’m mentally and physically checked out. I honestly think I did have some kind of break last week, really struggling with short term memory and daily activities; like which do I do first, brush my teeth or put on a shirt? Where does my daughter go to school, again? Burned a pot on the stove yesterday. Sex, it’s so minor a thing now, if he wants it I don’t even blink. I’m on automatic pilot and my heart is not on the map at all.

No sex after the woman at work thing last week since 12th, but then again yesterday after he supplied the receipts that showed that he had used the cash he took out of the bank the day before for legitimate expenses. No hookers, no hotel rooms, not even lunch out together with anyone. Showed that the funds from retirement were for bills which I HAD told him to pay or else.

I feel like a total bitch to be demanding all this penny to penny comparisons and minute by minute accountability of his day. SO, my desire is absent because of the position it’s put me in to be over him and demanding and bitchy. Also, it’s destroyed my experiencing him like a man in any way, I feel like he’s become my child and that’s so NOT sexy.