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I found out 3-1/2 months ago that my husband was with a prostitute. He has been seeing prostitutes, a total of 8, over 5 years. Before that, without my knowing, he had been using porn since he was 12 including throughout our marriage. Am I nuts to even think of staying with him? Since he was caught, we have been to a beyond affairs seminar, then realized that we are dealing with sex addiction. He is doing everything right. But I can’t get past the fact that he was seeing prostitutes and then coming home from work travel to have sex with me. How can I stay married to someone who has done that? Has anyone else chosen to stay with a man who has lots of good qualities except for the major fact that he is a sex addict who had progressed to using prostitutes. If you stayed, how is your life now?
More info. We’ve been married 37 years and have two adult daughters. He was a good dad to them. His secret life was very secret and a complete surprise to all three of us. He travelled a lot for his work and that is when he was able to meet prostitutes without detection. Also would download porn from home computer while I was gone, asleep, or in shower, and watch it on hotel TVs.
Hi, dcyne..
I am very glad you found this site, but so sorry for the reason that brought you here. Three and a half months is still early days yet, and you are still suffering the trauma and shock of discovery. I just want to urge you to take really good care of yourself right now, to put yourself first.
Discovery for me was 9 months ago, and my h and I have been separated for almost all that time. This is just my opinion, but if there is any way right now that you can separate from him..even if just for a little while.. it might be really helpful for you. Because you’re going through incredible trauma and you need time to heal, to sort out your thoughts, to think about what you want.
My experience in the aftermath of discovery was like another shock on top of the shock of discovery itself. Because like many sex addicts, my h, even though he entered recovery and started therapy, was so often like a total stranger to me. It wasn’t til I found this site, about three months after discovery, that I learned how common my experience was. I’m not saying that your husband will necessarily follow that pattern, but just that right now you need to put your own emotional safety first. And living with them in the aftermath can be really painful and disorienting and crazy-making. A great book to read is Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. It deals with the trauma that you are going through, and really helps one feel less alone.
You’re not nuts to think about staying with him. Many of us here are struggling in the same boat. But for right now, try to take things a day at a time, and focus on you. We are all here for you, and understand only too well what you are going through. Love, Annie xoxo
Thanks, Annie. We have separated and he is in an apartment. The lease is up at the end of July and I am at a loss about what to do then. He wants to get together daily. He is not putting pressure on me and says he understands it will take a long time for me to be better, but it seems like he thinks we can get together and have fun and everything will be fine. He is saying and doing all the right things. As far as getting together, at times I am fine with that, but often I feel a build up of anxiety and need to take a break. I was able to tell him that today and we only sat together at church and then went our separate ways. Do you get together with your husband to see if you still want to be together at all? I hear so many examples of wives staying with husbands who only have the porn issues, but what about wives of husbands who have moved on to prostitutes? That is a really important question to me, so if someone could reply about that, it would mean so much to me.
Also, this is the first weekend I have not felt like getting out of bed. Very weepy. Maybe I’ve moved on to the sad stage of grief? Have any of you gone through this? Is there hope that I will feel happy again?It sounds like so many of us are having a bad week. Maybe it’s lunar…..that moon is pretty close! My h’s problem is under ” am I right or a bitter bitch” post. It sums up the bad stuff, but leaves out the trickled disclosure and how mean he was to me as I peeled back every layer. WE had a perfect marriage. Our 30th is in july. 5 kids. The begining of the end was 18 mo. ago. I have not found out about any prostitutes, just friends of mine. and strangers, there are a few craigs list ads I uncovered, but I am pretty sure the were big hairy men saying sexy things looking for morons to give them money!!! at least it makes me feel better to think that. But several women on this site are in the same boat as you, and you will here from them soon! You know though, however they got their kicks, the rest is so similar its shocking.
I am proud that you kicked him out right away. Are you seeing remorse? and is he working his recovery? Mine is a no go .. he is still here, seperate bedrooms, self repaired, and sooooo ready for me to just forgive him.my best advice to you is keep a journal. It helps so much, because your mind has a way of erasing the horrible.
Hi dycyne,
I only found out about the whole thing ( porn, phone sex, and hookers) late february. I have been married for 19 years.
You can look at my profile and see how crazy I have been. I am still living with him because I have 2 kids and I was so traumatized that I could not function.
I am still no where near sane. I can tell you that this site and these great ladies have stood by me and been my saving grace.
Just try to breathe. Take things slowly and know we are all here for you. If you cannot separate for some reason right now then try to carve out some safe place just for you. I sit on my patio and I took my bedroom. Whatever works and feels right with you is all good.
So very sorry you are here in this mess.
bev
Sorry, i just read your last post. You kicked him out? Good for you. DO NOT feel pressure to hang out with him. These guys have had years to process their addiction but you are reeling!!
I speak to my H when and if I feel like it. I even bawled (ugly bawled.. snot, tears, hideous face…whole gamut) in his arms at first. The moon has seemed to work in my favor. I am feeling better. Not good, but better. I couldn`t get out of my garage for a solid week. … I felt like a train wreck. And I look like one too š
Hang in there and do not rush yourself!
Love,
BevYes, dcyne, there are still days I barely get out of bed. And on this site, most of our SAs started with porn and moved on to prostitutes, massage parlors, Craigslist hookups, affairs..the whole heartbreaking world-shattering thing.
I still don’t know what the end result will look like for me, as far as staying or not. We do see each other sometimes..less regularly lately, as he seems to have been getting careless about recovery. He’s more quick-tempered and sarcastic, so I haven’t spoken to him for four days, because I really needed some emotional space from him.
If you check the ‘Stories’ section on this site, you’ll get an idea of the different paths the women on here have followed. Some have stayed, some have left, some are still unsure what we are going to do. Just be assured that what you are going through is normal. I think it was really good that you noticed that you were feeling anxious today and told your husband that you needed time alone. And what you said about him thinking everything will be fine when you get together is really typical of these SA’s. They’re used to the ‘quick fix,’ and they really can’t wrap their heads and hearts around what we are going through. Just keep taking care of you, first and foremost. xoxoDcyne,
I have decided to stay with mine (for the time being). Like you, it came out of the blue and was the shock of my life. My husband is an elder in our church and his friends have good values. He is a good father to our four children and was a good husband (on the face of it) for 23 years. I would NEVER have guessed what he was up to “behind the scenes”. He also traveled a lot for business so his rendevous with hookers was easy to hide. When money got tight and he escalated to CL ads and affairs (and one stalked me) is when the cat got out of the bag.
The first thing to do (and I’m not kidding) is to:
1) get on a anti-depressant. (I’m on Lexipro). This is a shocking thing and once the fog starts to clear you will be in more pain than you can ever believe. Ask your doctor for a script pronto.
2) The next thing to do is to get a good therapist who has experience with partners of SA (sexual addicts) and trauma – because you are likely experiencing PTSD (Barbara Steffens book “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse” goes into this). Where do you live? Some of us might be able to point you in the right direction. There are therapists who can do more damage than good so you have to be careful.
3) Join a support group for partners of sex addicts. Most areas have them (usually conducted by a CSAT – certified sex addiction therapist – go to IITAP.com to find one in your area)….and if not, then you will find others going through this trauma at COSA or S-Anon – just google these. (these groups tend to be for partners who are also co-dependents – but they haven’t figured out that not all partners are co-dependents – don’t worry about that – just go to connect with others who are going through this trauma). Talking with others who are going through this bizarre situation is key, IMO. I started with a BAN group and moved onto to COSA and S-Anon when I found out about the extent of my husband’s “stuff”. (it’s great that you went to a BAN weekend as I’ve heard those are good). The 12 step program, IMO, is good no matter what. It will be a good diversion for you and you will meet some very nice women there, too.
4) If your insurance covers it, or you can afford it, I highly recommend the partner’s intensive offered at ISH in LA. (Institute of Sexual Health). Several of us have been on it and have benefited greatly. The trauma is huge and this will help you deal with it. It sounds like your SAH (sex addict husband) isn’t gas lighting, blaming or emotionally abusing you, which is good – but be on the look out for that. Has he embraced recovery?
5) Do not enter marriage therapy unless you have started healing from the trauma and he is in serious recovery (usually takes 4 to 6 months). Marriage therapy can do more hard than good in the early days.
I think that you did the right thing by creating physical distance from your SAH. I didn’t do that and I wish I would have initially. I think that it’s a shock to the system and we need distance to sort it all out.
It sounds like your husband’s sex addiction stems from something in his childhood (many times it’s sexual abuse or abuse of some kind). I think it’s possible for these guys to be upstanding guys that unfortunately turn to sex/the thrill of the chase, to soothe their pain – just like a alcoholic or drug addict. It is much easier to hide and that’s why we are so side-swiped by it. So – I know it’s not easy to do – but I try to imagine that the pros, etc. that my husband was with were like bottles of booze. (I know – it’s easier said than done as this is so personal).
Others on this board will tell you to run for the hills and that these guys are pure evil. There is merit in this as this is not an easy thing to forget and move on from, nor is it an easy addiction to overcome – but I am in “wait and see” mode and seeing if my husband embraces recovery or not (or moves to another unhealthy addiction). I think for all of us, the deception is the hardest thing to wrap our heads around.
The other hard part is to try and sift through your life and wonder what was real and what wasn’t. It will take time for you to find your bearings…..I was in denial about it all for months. (until staggered discovery/disclosure #4)
I’m so sorry that you are part of this club. It’s not one that anyone wants to be a member of…..but you have come to the right place for support.
Let us know how we can help you – and answer any questions.
Deb
Mine has only viewed porn online, bought erotic books/DVDs and his last jaunt to the adult bookstore landed him at his parents since Mar 10th bc I put a gps tracking device on his car back in Oct and the bookstore was one of my geo fence alert locations bc he admitted that was where he bought his “books” and DVDs last Jan 2011 when I kicked him out after watching the pc via eblaster for 8 mos. btw eblaster is a spyware you can install on any pc you own. Mar 10th was his first trip there since installing this device.
My latest issue is him refusing a polygraph last night when it came up at dinner.
My question to you is how did you discover what your h has done? Curious minds want to know š
Hi Dcyne
Sorry to hear about your H’s acting out & how difficult it is to know what to do, it is really normal to be undecided, a bomb has been dropped in your life, so shock & confusion are to be expected.
My SAH’s addiction behaviours ranged from daily porn & complusive masturbation, to prostitutes, to sex with strangers/casual partners, group sex and sex with men. He has been acting out with prostitutes since he was 20, he is now 42. He is trying hard to recover but it is a long and difficult path ahead. I found out about some of his acting out 6 months ago & have had the difficult experience recently of a further disclosure. We have been separated since discovery 6 mths ago.
I have waxed and waned as to whether to stay & try to make a go of it with him. Initially I thought how could I stay with someone who showed me so little regard, divorce seemed the only option. Lately I have been working hard on my own issues & recovery, working on my bottom lines/boundaries, its allowed me to see a “maybe” for us.
All I know for me is that I will not live with an active addict, I think I put up with so much crazy behaviour in the past that I just couldn’t tolerate any more of his shit. In some ways he is still an active addict (self-absorbed/self-interested) I often still see too much of this type of attitude/behaviour, for me to feel comfortable with him.We have small children together so we spend a bit of time together, if I stay detached & focus on me I do pretty well. But if I focus on him & his recovery, take responsibility for him, be his therapist/mother, I don’t do so well.
Only you will know when or if it is time to end it, I said to my therapist the other day that I think when or if that time comes I will just know, I won’t have to rationalise it to myself or anyone else.
All the best for the future
TanyaHi, dcyne,
Welcome and good for you for jumping right in. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. What a rotten time of life to be faced with the prospect of starting over and finding out that your whole history together is not what you thought.
I have known that my STBX had a porn problem for 20 years, a SA for 6 years, and it is only 7 months ago I found out about his soliciting prostitutes, and having anonymous hookups and group sex. I kicked him out and when he showed no sign of remorse, I filed for divorce. I have been married for 21 years- 2 children, one still at home.
I echo the sisters in saying space for yourself is #1, and you were smart to ask him to leave. Now you need the resources to help you understand and cope. The most important thing for me was finding resources (books, therapists, support groups) based on the trauma model which was developed by Barbara Steffens. If anyone starts out by talking about coaddiction or wanting to know what your part is in this, run for the hills. I would also echo staying out of marriage counseling until you have had time to heal and sort yourself out.
I felt so ashamed and humiliated it made it hard to reach out and get the help I needed. It took along time before I realized that he is the one who should be ashamed, that I had no part in his actions. But once I realized that, it made a big difference in my ability to heal.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
Hi dycne,
I would have been married for 32 years on May 10. LIke you, I didn’t know what was going on. Sex was boring and he was becoming quite mean and had a cruel edge. That’s the only signs I had that something was off, but I went on sabbatical for 4 months and thought maybe that would provide the “breather” we both needed after 29 years. Instead he just went whole hog on the porn and God knows what else. I came home and found it on the computer.
Anyway I moved into the guest room and had PTSD–terrified he would kill me. Then after Christmas when we told our sons we had marriage probelms, I asked him to leave. He was doing 12 step and CSAT counselling, and I was being treated worse than ever before. He was an absolute prick. That’s because with sobriety, his personality disorder (PD) was unmedicated, and I bore the brunt of that. On top of it all, the treatments models wanted to blame me and called me co-addict and co-dependent. I nearly went insane, and had suicidal thoughts. But for my two adults sons and how that would hurt them, I might have given up entireley. But then I found this intelligent group of women on JoAnn’s sites who also thought there was something very wrong with how we were being treated, so here I am. I made it.
I spent a year trying hard to work on reconciliation, and then another year to just leave it alone and see what happened. But his narcissism is persistent, and I just don’t matter even though he says I do. I decided to trust my own life to lead.
We joint filed before Easter.2 yrs and 6 months after d-day.
It’s all very very hard. I was crying last night still about it all.So that was a lot for you to process. I just wanted you to know because I was in a long term marriage, too.
big hug,
Diane.Diane, where you said, “Thatās because with sobriety, his personality disorder (PD) was unmedicated, and I bore the brunt of that,” I wish there was more info out there on this. Because what we go through with this is almost as disorienting as finding out about their secret life. Worse, in some ways, because it’s ongoing. And in my case, and for many others as well, during this early recovery period, we end up finding out more and more heartbreaking things, and then dealing with our SA’s lack of empathy and humility, their litanies of ‘I don’t remember,’ ‘It’s irrelevant,’ ‘Why won’t you go to couples counseling,’ and my personal favorite, ‘You’re making up a story to torture yourself.’ All of this, on top of the initial shock, serves to erode away our sense of reality, and to keep re-traumatizing us over and over again. Not only do we now have no idea who they were when they were active in their addiction, but now we have no idea who they are when in recovery. We’re expected to detach, according to the zillion ‘professionals,’ as if 10, 20, 30 years with this man was built up in one minute, and can now be removed in one minute.
I am so sorry you had a bad night last night. Sending you big hugs and hopes that you are feeling better. xoxo
Hi dcyne,
I have stayed. I just posted an update on the ‘ongoing saga’ of living with a recovering Sex Addict. I try to post everything that I can about how I am feeling and what is happening in my life so that all my Sisters get a true picture of what it is REALLY like to live with these men.
You can read it under From JoAnn–Deja Vu.
There is not much more for me to add, as I summed it up at the end.
I think the most important advice that I could give anyone who in thinking of staying is to be realistic–brutally honest and realistic with yourself.
Can you forgive? Can you forget? Should you forget? Can you live with those pictures in your mind? Does the good outweigh the bad? Can you accept that he is and always will be untrustworthy?
Larry has not had sex with prostitutes in almost six years, but his personality disorders and emotional deficits remain, and become even more pronounced as he grows older.
It’s not an easy path, and each of us makes the decision to stay for various reasons; but if we fool ourselves by imagining that they will become either what we thought they were, or something else that we wish they were, or the fantasy story that they tell us, we will only intensify our pain and trauma when we realize later that it will never happen.
You are so new to the discovery my dear. Don’t worry about making any final decisions yet. Give yourself time to absorb the information, observe what he is doing (not just what he says) and allow yourself some healing time.
It may be years before you can make that decision, and from my own experience, that decision need never be final as we never know what new discoveries will be thrown at us in the future.
So, focus on yourself for now and don’t waste this precious time that you need for yourself by trying to decide something that you don’t have enough information about to make an informed choice.
Hugs to you ~ JoAnn
When SA’s are in early recovery – their shame and narcissism (they almost all have it) comes to the surface like never before. That’s why I think to give the marriage the best chance of survival (if that’s what you want), separation is the way to go (unless you can co-exist and not trigger each other). Most SAs don’t have empathy because to do so, they could not exist because their shame would get the better of them and they would probably jump off a bridge (some of you are saying….yes!!!!). Underneath their “acting out” (you know, the porn, the pros, the random screwing) is shame and feelings of being worthless.
I had a really hard time detaching. Anyone who can detach, deal with the trauma, keep your family going, deal with the fear of losing an intact family and even work… is my hero and should run for President or some other office requiring super hero abilities. I’ve only managed to do it for a week or two at a time, but I’m working on doing it for longer periods of time. (I’ve done it for about a week now…!!)
You will notice that we sisters are intelligent, focused, compassionate, resilient, and resourceful …..yet most of us can barely get food on the table or work. I figured it all out in November (after 10 months of staggered disclosures/discoveries) so after 6 months, I feel like I just got out of the fog in the last week or two. I went through stages of denial, intense grief, hope, anger, despair, shame – and to top it off, unfortunately on top of it all, I’m a co-dependent/love addict, so I thought I was going to die when I figured out that I might have to leave my object/husband – he has been my survival so my oxygen mask was ripped off my mouth.
You will get through it – just surround yourself with lots of support, and take good care of yourself. Don’t expect to “muscle your way through this” – and don’t listen to your SAH who will likely make you feel like an idiot for not pushing it all under the carpet (like throwing the rock in the water….) – it doesn’t work that way.
I’ve heard and read that an affair takes a partner about a year (on average) to heal from….and sex addiction, about 5 years (this is an average). So – hold on tight.
Oh – and my opinion is to not throw the baby out with the bath water – some of my COSA groups have helped me get enormously. I just would identify myself as a “trauma survivor”…and I went to make sense out of it all and get support. You don’t have to jump on the “co-dependent” band wagon if that’s not what you are – and even if you are, it’s not the first order of business – getting through the trauma is.
Deb
If he does the right thing in recovery, YOU get the proper recovery and the two of you together doā¦ call me an optimist but anything is possible. Is it a long shot for the planets to line up like that? YES! Itās a gamble. Lifeās a gamble. What you can emotionally handle gambling is unique to you.
My H swears he has not escalated to prostitutes within our marriage. He did in his last one. And then says he white knuckled everything for the first 5 years of our marriage and then slowly started becoming unglued. Prostitutes as part of the addiction is not something I have experienced but it is something my H has experienced as part of his addiction in the past.
I think a lot of people truly believe that if a man ever physically cheated theyād leave. In truthā¦ statisticallyā¦ the minority of people do.
Itās such a roller coaster at first. Even if they are doing and saying all the right things. It takes a long time to heal. Be gentle with yourself. I miss the way I used to feel about my husband and am too frozen by fear to make an effort to get any of it back. I have moments where I catch of glimpse of how thing āwereā and it causes two immediate reactions. 1. Put the wall back up and detach instantly and 2. Hurt because I want that ālieā back again.
I have tons of practical reasons for staying. However… while biding my time for those pratical reasons to work themselves out… my H has 19 months of recovery. He has definitely been active in the 12 steps and counseling. Definitely humble. I havenāt heard anything that even remotely sounds like rationalizing, blaming, denying or minimalizing the addict behaviors in about a year. Spirituallyā¦ he is a different man. He seems to earnestly try on a daily basis to make up to me the damage he has caused, readily admits he will never be able to but should still try, and tells me how he is feelingā¦. The good and the bad. He still slips into old ways of thinking and behaving (Mr. Passive Aggressive) but recognizes it pretty quickly and owns up to it. Progress is slow. But there is progress.
19 months of sobriety is very impressive. Not many of us will be able to say that about our SA’s. At least yours is sincerely working on his recovery.
There may very well always be slips in the cards for him, but the important thing is total honesty and disclosure. If he can do that it would be worth a shot for me. Steve was never able to get there. I think the lieing and deception is as bad as the addiction. If you don’t have a man with enough integrity to be honest with his wife about everything, you really have nothing to work with.
I wish you the best in your journey. You will probably never forget, but you can forgive and hopefully get those past feelings back for him. It is a struggle, isn’t it?
SharronHello Everyone,
Thanks so much for all the support and information you have already given me here. My husband shows a lot of remorse and feels terrible about the pain he has caused me. To that I say, “what would you have expected–duh!” There is a moron aspect to all of what he has done. He has not seemed narcisistic in the past, has not been mean to me in any way since D-day, is overall a very nice person (which makes me want to throw up every time I say that because of what this “nice” person did to me!), and is going to SA meetings, a 12-step group, reading, going to a therapist who is trying to find out what in his childhood has perhaps had a bearing on this, and doing Dr. Milton Magness’ 30 day workbook. It still makes me wonder because he seems to think he can easily quit acting out. He did the 90-day (actually 3-1/2 months) of sobriety with no acting out of any kind. At least that is what he tells me. He acts like it hasn’t been hard for him, which makes me wonder if he is just lying about it. Our therapist tells me my h has more of a sexual compulsion than addiction–that it is similar, but somewhat weaker than a full addiction. I don’t know if I can buy that, either. The therapist has identified some psychological immaturity that makes sense. Basically that h has a teenage cerebral cortex. He says it can be fixed. I can’t believe h can change enough for me to enjoy him, though. How do you make a brain grow from teen to adult?? There is so far no identified abuse in his childhood although his dad was ultra busy, crabby, and easily annoyed. I never liked him. I’ll wait a while and see what the therapist can do. I’m going to the same therapist who is very good and it helps that he can explain what he is discovering aboug my husband. But basically I still hate him right now.I read some of the stories on this site last night and found similar characteristics described in other SA husbands. For example, someone who is uncomfortable socially and seems to try to hard. At times I have felt embarassed for him when we are with others.
I did not know him well enough when I married him. I met him in a group of college-age friends who would all do fun stuff together. He seemed to be an easy-going person who had no trouble taking part. We dated from July 4th until our marriage the next May. (Where was Dr. Laura back then who says you need to date for 2 years before you get married–I could have used that info.) In half of those 10 months, he was 2-1/2 hours away from January to our May wedding going to school, so I was not even around him there to start seeing what I found out after we were married. I did notice that the weekends together were not very much fun–just sitting around and not doing much. I remember being somewhat annoyed with him when I had to help him get a bicycle to get around with. He seemed a little more helpless than an adult should be.
My h came to my family’s house during the week before our wedding. I took my mom aside the day before our wedding and told her I did not want to marry him. Apparently I had seen some things that sent up a red flag. Wish I had just said no to the whole thing. She told me it was just normal pre-wedding jitters, so I went along with it.
After we were married, I discovered the lack of social skills, what I thought was a low libido, and a guy not very good at going out to have fun. He was always nice to me, and I tried to make the best of it all. I just figured that I got a man who was not as passionate about sex and that was just my lot in life. I read all the articles about couples not having a lot of sex so thought we were somewhere on the normal range so I did not run from the marriage over it. Only now have I learned that the porn he was using then was stealing my lover from me. We only had sex about once every week or two for most of our marriage. He developed ED about a year ago (now I know that is from masturbating, too), and again I tried to consider his self-confidence and not put pressure on him. It made it even more difficult to get together sexually since I never knew if he had taken a pill or what. Overall, his lack of passion for sex turned me off and I think I pulled back from desiring him overall, too. But we had fun in so many ways throughout our marriage that I made the best of the whole picture.
Someone asked how I found out. There had been some signs that didn’t add up, but I KNEW my husband would never do what the clues should have told me. I’ve recently heard it said that denial is the shock absorber for the soul. I know I was in denial because of who I thought he was. One of the signs was he withdrew $140-$180 in cash every week to take on his weekly (Sunday thru Thursday night) travels for work. I began to notice in February of 2011 that it had gone up to $200 and that his credit card bills showed that he charged everything–parking, meals, gas, etc. So I asked him and he said that he needed that much cash for travel. He then dropped back to taking about $40 to $60 a month. I should have figured out that the other money must have been going somewhere secretive. The amount slowly went back up to $140-160 later. That same time, when tax papers came, I found that he had sold some stock, $1700 worth, behind my back. It was in his name, but was part of our retirement plans. He told me it was to surprise me with a cruise. I told him that much money would get us each a leaky canoe, but he said he had heard from some of his colleagues about inexpensive quality cruises. He had no brochures nor web sites to show me. (Has shown me info about low cost cruises on-line since the discovery.) This from a man who never surprised me other than unimaginative flowers on rare occasions. And we had discussed many times that we didn’t think we were cruise people. And here is the biggest clue I ignored–I found a condom in the washing machine in a load of only his shirts when he came back from a week away. My friend, who knows him well, said he would never have used that and it was probably stuck in the machine from when my engaged daughter washed her clothes earlier in the day. I asked her about it, and she only shrugged and seemed uncomfortable—probably because she sensed there must be something wrong regarding her dad. I asked Chris about it and he said it wasn’t his. Actually, he didn’t say that right away. A few times since then I said to him that it really bothers me every time I sort his shirts because of that condom and he did not deny it at first, would just look away, and only said it wasn’t his when I asked him directly if it was. He had some lame stories like maybe a TSA inspector at the airport put it in for a sick joke, or even that at first they would put suitcases close to each other and probably mixed up the condom from some other person’s suitcase. I should have known, but gave him the benefit of the doubt because he would NEVER be doing what it all indicated. Other clues–at times I could not reach him on his cell phone. I had asked him to keep that with him as it was the only way I could reach him when he travelled, but still could not reach him at times. He always had an excuse–“It was in my computer case and I didn’t hear it.”, etc.
On January 17th I had a health scare and he promised to keep his phone in his pocket that evening. On the way home from ER, I had to get some meds at the drug store. Called him (he’s a pharmacist) to see which thing to get, he didn’t answer. Got in my car and phone rang. Couldn’t get phone out of purse, driving, and too tired from ER meds, so just decided to call him back when I got home. Got home and walked the dog for two minutes during which time he called and left message. Called him right back–no answer. About 3 hours later the phone rang (9:30 at night). I answered and could hear his voice and that of a woman. He had pocket dialed home without knowing it. I listened for about 5-6 minutes as he talked to her about if they had brought up fresh towels, to which she answered several times “This will be OK.” Then he said something to her in a joking/flirting voice. He was not nervous (our therapist said a first time with prostitute puts a man in panic mode). Then he said “Oh, I have to go get coffee for the morning.” That is when I knew he wasn’t talking to a maid about towels. He left the room, realized his phone was connected to home and said hello several times in a panic. I said nothing. He called right back. I asked him who he was talking to and he said, “I wasn’t talking to anyone.” I repeated the whole conversation to him and he denied talking to anyone again. That’s when I knew. I said “I hope you really love her because that is all you’ve got.” and hung up. Sat on my sofa the entire night in numb shock. Didn’t cry until the next morning, and the rest you all probably can imagine. I made him go with me for HIV testing and that was clear, but I realize he was playing Russian roulette with my life! How could that not have entered his mind? What an idiot!
He lied along the way, said it was the first time, etc., and then we went at one month from D-day to a Beyond Affairs Network Getting Beyond Affairs seminar. It helped understand some things. One other couple there had prostitutes in the picture and he was caught in a sting and publicly shamed in the paper. Another couple had a baby as a result of the “regular” affair(s). This all opened my idiot husband’s eyes to what he was risking. The other couple with prostitutes is staying together. She doesn’t know if he has sex addiction or not. Anyway, h came clean with the whole story at the seminar. He had become more of a caretaker of the last prostitute for about a year and had been sending her $60 to $100 every week as well as buying her books and a calculator so she could get her GED. They would get together so he could help her live a better life by showing her how to go out for regular fun (bowling??) and going out to eat, also helping her study. He said they didn’t always have sex. He said this girl and her boyfriend were really having a hard time and needed his help. He had two daughters who could have used his financial help, too. Duh. I told him he was just a stupid moron they had identified as an easy target; that the “boyfriend” was her pimp, and that they were just using him. He said he had started to wonder even before I caught him. I just think he is the biggest idiot in the world. I have been much nicer to him–haven’t called him a stupid moron to his face, for example. He doesn’t deserve me!
Oops. I wrote too much. I guess it helps to get it out again and again. I have been feeling very sad and full of dislike for him. I don’t know how long I can wait to decide about divorce. It would seem so much easier to just get out and figure out how to live the rest of my life by myself. I can’t see every trusting anyone again after this seemingly wonderfully nice man could do something like this. I can’t see ever looking at him again with anything that resembles love. Maybe some of you have been at this stage in your feelings and found a way to care for them again. Let me know if that has happened for anyone.
Thank you again for all of your help!
Dear dcyne, I am so sorry you’re going through this. You write that you are ‘full of dislike for him’. Sister, give yourself permission to hate the fucker. You need to get mad, why would you be ‘much nicer to him’ as you write. Call him a stupid FUCKING moron to his face. You also write, “There is a moron aspect to all of what he has done. He has not seemed narcisistic, has not been mean to me in any way, is overall a very nice person.’ Honey, he IS narcissistic (they all are) , he HAS been mean to you (he betrayed you in the worst possible way), and he is NOT overall a very nice person (please see him for who he really is). Sorry to be harsh, dear Sister, but I don’t want you to consider the option of ‘staying’ without truly knowing who and what you’re up against. Calling a spade a spade – it’s the LAW on SOS. Courage dcyne! Love, Liza
Dcyne,
My H acted just as yours did. Like it was all a breeze. (although he whined a lot during the 90 day abstinence.) But to his creditā¦. He went 5 years āsoberā in an attempt to be a good husband. So I can see where heād be fooled and that is worrisome. Over time I feel like he is losing the arrogance of that attitude.
I think along with the betrayal of the lies being so bad (as you said)ā¦ the lack of regard for my emotions still stings. He looked at a lot of porn on is phone. My photo was the opening screen on his phone. Grantedā¦. Just to unlock the phone for any reason you need to swipe and my picture disappears. But there was/is a certain symbolism in knowing that he swiped his finger across that phone over my photo as if he were pushing me aside to get to his porn.
He truly had himself convinced that he wasnāt hiding his actions because he felt they were wrong but rather because I was uptight. The mind of an addict. But regardlessā¦ I donāt care if you think the way I felt was foolish, uptight or unreasonable. You should still respect it and not just disregard it as inconsequential in your decisions.
My Hās therapist said the same as yours about maturity. Arrested development. Looking backā¦ my H is an amazingly responsible, reliable and stable guy. But I let that blind me to all the ways he DID act like a teenager and I mothered him.
ādenial is the shock absorber for the soulā
Amen.
You can never type too much. Everyone here knows just how MUCH stuff goes swirling on in oneās mind.
As for if you trust anyone againā¦ one wonderful woman on hereā¦ Silver-Liningā¦ has found that yes you can. After time and healing I believe trusting others will be a choice you are able to make logically without cringing in fear. Iām not there. But Iām not where I was almost two years ago either.
Hugs, Kim
Sharron,
Thank you. You are always so sweet. I hope you are right. I’d just be happy for the day there isn’t that “stab” at your heart when you give any of this more then a moments thougt.Dear God, Dcyne, are from the south by any chance? Sounds like you have a case of the “nice girl”… To much Miss Melanie and not enough Scarlett.. ( as one of the dear sisters said to me the other night. Of course they told me to stop channeling Scarlett and trying to save the damn plantation!)
Any way, just in case… You do NOT have to be nice to him right now š
My shit ass, sob, … ( I can`t even come up with enough names) H suckered me for 19 years. I have ZERO intention of being nice. Now ,that is not to say that I am not polite. But nice is off the table.
You cannot overtype. I have been here a little over 2 months and I just type away. Ask anybody!
I know that someone already mentioned SL (silver lining). She called me one night and we had a loooooong conversation. I immediately fell in love with her.She let me babble on about mysel and my situation and interjected very smart observations. She turned my thinking around. She ask me the question that I think we ll have to answer at some point, ” If he turned into Jesus Christ (perfect) could you ever forgive him?”. That is the 64 million dollar Q.
I tend to think not. But, I am a pragmatist.
SL sent me a pic on Sat…. She was on the lake , in a boat, with her toenails looking wicked good.
Proof there is life after death š
dcyne-You say your husband is genuinely a nice person-that is the persona they project-“Mr. Nice Guy.” No-one on this earth would ever have figured that Steve was anything but above and beyond reproach. Well Mr. Fuck up had his secret life comparmentalized into marriage vs. addiction. They all do.
sex addiction or compulsion-the same thing! Your husband is still in denial if he thinks he can beat this thing on his own. SA’s have the ability to control the addiction for short periods of time-problem is they can’t sustain it. He didn’t get that way overnight and he can’t get well on his own-maybe not even with therapy. This is a life-long process and hard to break.
I just want you to know that just because you say he has never been mean to you means nothing. Abuse comes in many forms, verbal, emotional, and physical. This is emotional abuse with no regard to your marriage vows, no regard to the trauma he has put you through, etc. Mr. Nice guy is a phony. Call him whatever you like and tell him he doesn’t deserve you.
I want to add that Steve went to an intensive workshop 2 yrs. ago. They give a lot of valuable info and instill some insight into the SA, but that is just a baby step. When they come back to the real world again is when the work really has to begin. Then, many years of baby steps ahead. Any man that can lie and deceive their wife without batting an eye is not worth the paper to write his name on – unless it is divorce papers.Ha!
Don’t feel you ever write too much-we are all hear to listen and support.
Love,
Sharron
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