Who has your power? If you lost yours, when did you get it back? If you still don’t have yours, how

Well done Marie on regaining your power.

Unfortunatelly, I still feel like HE has mine. He convinced me not to leave for years and then called time on the relationship when he had his replacement waiting in the wings. He pins me down to dates he wants the children months in advance before I have a chance to consider my arrangements and he has still been coming into the house every time he drops the boys off (they’re 13 and 14 so don’t need accompanied to the door!) The last week or two though (after he told me to f**k off) I’ve started to make a few subtle changes which have had a big effect on how I feel. I now park my car at the end of my drive so he has to park on the street (just makes me feel better, especially since he once parked on my drive with HER in the car), I make sure I’m busy when he drops the boys off so he can’t engage me in conversation, I didn’t let him dictate that I had to sit next to him at the children’s music concert last week (he usually does). Sat next to my friend and had a much nicer evening. I also won’t engage in his provocative conversations such as about him losing his job etc. if he mentions it I just give minimal response and don’t ask any questions. That way he isn’t getting the reaction he craves. He has backed off a lot. I also have a sense of power as I know about his visits to prostitutes now, but he has no idea I know, and won’t until the solicitor mentions it.

Hopefully I’m heading in the right direction

Bb
x

Busybee,

I am so proud of you. Isn’t it tough when people break your boundaries so easily? When I was younger and would get something new, like a pair of new shoes or outfit, my sister would ask to use it before I did…I totally did not want her to, but could not really get the courage to say “No.” My preference: she would not ask. It reminds me of your situation…wouldn’t it be great if he would not come into the house, not talk about losing his job, not whatever. BUT that is so not how these men work. They break our boundaries without a thought.

I am proud of the changes you chose to make. You are much stronger than you think! You have more personal power, determination, and problem-solving skills than you realize.

My friend’s h left her and her fam and divorced. He too came into the house whenever he chose. She asked her lawyer if he was allowed to do that, and the answer-legally-was “NO!” She told him what the lawyer said and would take further action if necessary. The lawyer said he would even write a letter to state this law to the h. I hope you look into that. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE BUSY TO AVOID HIM! HE NEEDS TO STOP COMING IN IF THAT IS WHAT THE LAW SAYS AND WHAT YOU WANT! (unless you want him to come in for the children.)

Another thought…perhaps write a list of ways you are being proactive…list on one side of the paper what you did, like sat with a friend. List on the other side what you could have tolerated-but didn’t-sitting with your h who mistreats you and doesn’t value you. As your list grows, you will see that you MADE THE CHOICE TO HELP YOURSELF AND WERE PROACTIVE! It may encourage you!

B. Trayed

HI Marie,
You are a busy bee lately.
I felt hopeless and listless duing the beginning of the disaster. I felt hopeless when they told me you are a co-dependent, simply because you are married to an addict, and that you are partly to blame. Wow talk about making a person who is senstive to others and feeling and situations really feel like @?it now, not that i did not already.

So power came back to me when I started to realize you people are completely wrong. I am not a co-dependent i have been trying to manage to live a normal life with a liar and a user. So i was doing the best I could. once i realized he was a liar and a user, I set up boundaries and a framework to test my theories which he failed. I took my power back the moment that i decided that I am going to listen to myself in this matter, and i know what is best for me, not these therapists. So off I went blazing a trail into the new unkown. I cannot imagine what my life would be like right now if I had stayed with him. No matter how bad it gets, living with someone who just can;t be real with you is maddening, somewhat who can;t tell the truth is maddening. the disease then spreads to you, and then you can be brought down with the sinking ship.

I have been thinking alot about the choices I have made. should I have given him more time, am i being unreasonable, all marriages have difficulties but was I just not stong enough to stay?

But what it boils down to for me was making the decisions based on what I want. If I would have stayed, i would not have followed my heart, which was telling me heavily he will not change and he cannot be trusted. He has lied to you and he does it with such ease, you will never know when he lies to you. And that would kill me.

So granted I will now be single and with no companion in life. Atleast I am following my heart. He has/had so many opportunities to do the right thing, which never happened. I don;t want to fell used and abused for the rest of my life. So now I do have my power back. He may still hold the power over my heart, while i continue to struggle over the lost marriage and abuse, but it will get better with time. My H was completely bounday less in that he took full advantage of others. He can’t do that to me anymore.

Yes power is your will and your heart. Doing as you feel.

Lets say you are looking into a career change or in school and having to pick your major. You are totally not sure what to do, but you know you hate math, and you hate working in an office. The guidance counselar comes in and says…we have decided that you are going to be finance advisor at abc bank. We have enrolled you in a program where all you are taking is math. You are told you are not allowed to voice your opinion, that what you want does not matter and the choice has been made. And if they get word that you do not like you major; you will go to prison.

Okay so in this situation, someone has made a decision for you, and then not only have they made you rdecision for you…you have been also told you cannot even have a voice….you are now powerless. You are not allowed to choose what you wanted to do nor are you even allowed to speak your mind. And as day after day goes by, you succomb to the fact that this is your life and you are not allowed to change it. So you become tired, beat down and in many ways listless and void of opinion, as each day you die a littel inside.

Having your power is your moral compass, your passion and your drive. Its living your life for you and based on what you want to do. Its that zest for life that I cannot quite describe. But once you have it back, you will know what it is. And the only way it comes back is by being true to yourself.