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Hello all,
I’m wondering who have you all told about your SAH’s “activities”?
I found myself telling my massage therapist yesterday about my SAH. She told me about her divorce and her cheating husband so it just sort of driveled out of me. She gave me a big hug at the end.
I also told my sales manager last week when I was on the cruise. I didn’t go into the gory details – just told her that the affair that I told her about last year during my breast cancer treatment was “just the tip of the iceberg”. She said that she knew something was up because I wasn’t selling au pairs like I used to (it’s a part-time job that I used to love doing).
When I tell folks like my manager, I feel a combination of relief and shame. It’s like I want them to know that I had a horrific thing happen to me….but I don’t want to be labeled as the “sex addict’s wife”. I don’t want this to define me. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me….or that I made a stupid choice in a husband or that I was duped for so many years.
I told my 86 year old mom and she was in shock (and not much shocks her). She used to be very close to my SAH. She’s a bitter woman and she didn’t offer much support except she sent me a book about forgiveness that I threw away.
I also told my SAH’s sister some of the details (she has been trying to get the family to see the covert incest stuff in the family and heal it), and when he tried to kick me to the curb when he was seeing/screwing yoganana, I called two of our close friends in Scotland (his childhood friends whom I’m also close to), begging them to come and knock some sense into him – although I only told him that he had an older woman “friend” – they don’t know the gory details. He apparently told two friends that he had an affair with an older woman, and one of them about the pros, but that’s it.
My SAH keeps asking me if anyone knows about the prostitutes (I think that gives him a lot of shame)….. I did tell my mom, my sister-in-law, my close friends, my cousin and our ministers about the full extent of it – and of course, you all. When I attempted the intervention in Dec. I called my niece’s husband (who is a psychologist) for support during it and my husband still talks about how embarassed that makes him feel.
Anyway – just wondering how many folks you have told and if it has helped you….. or not.
Deb
As it began to unravel I only told a few close friends and a sister and a close aunt who has since died. Then as I realized there was an actual name for it I told my parents who talked me into telling my brother several months later. Our deacon knows and h finally told his parents Mar 10 when I kicked him out. My teenage kids do not know, they only know we are separated bc he has issues he’s been needing to address and as a wife and a mom I had to insist this be done. His siblings and grown kids do not know. He will never tell them due to the shame factor I believe. I also did confide in our neighbor during a panicky alone moment I was having. She’s not the gossipy type so I was comfortable telling her. That’s it. Only two people from work know which are my close friends and one of them was the one who told me after confiding in him that it was his belief my h had a pa. That was sept 2009. Until then I knew NOTHING about pa and never knew anyone who had dealt with it.
Good post Deb.
At first I told a male coworker. I did not want to talk to family at that point. most of my friends are family or inlaws. i did not want to open up in my circle.
1. Told co worker about prostitutes did not mention addiction or trannies. so my list was shortened
2. told therapist.
3. told sister in law
4. told dad
5. told male coworker and friend (#2)
6. told my boss
7. told my cousin- (who recently dated someone with SA– had to break up with him. )
8. told his momto date the only people not supporting me are his mom (go figure), and friend number 1. but we lost touch, so he doesn’t really know what is going on. Everyone else, is on my team and supportive. Thank God.
The only person I have told is my brother and my sister in law. They have been very supportive but I do not think they totally understand it. I`m being very careful about talking. I do not want to mess up and blab to the wrong person for the wrong reason. I have not made up my mind what if anything to tell the kids. I can`t imagine the damage if they found out about this thru some gossip grapevine.
I am not real sure I even want to tell anybody yet. It`s still too nightmarish. I need to get a lot stronger first.
ps also wanted to comment. I don’t know if any of you experienced this, but God, I was desperate, just desperate to talk to someone, anyone about it. The pain so intense, did not no where to go. didn’t know if i wanted marriage or not, didn’t want to involve family. but overall i am glad i did.
-NOT wanting to tell anyone is common in early days.
-EVENTUALLY, around about the point it dawns on you that you have been completely screwed over for years….u see that your H does NOT have your best interest at heart and you want to tell someone who does.
– ONCE you get that it is their life that is f–ked up…all bets are off and who knows where it will all come tumbling out and where.Karen makes a good point. Once you realize that the shame is all theirs….it’s easier to talk about it. I’ll never forget my first COSA and S-Anon meetings when I talked about it for the first time….it gave me so much solace and support as I was in the middle of the storm.
Amen to what Karen said.
If it weren’t for my son, I would have a goddamn billboard made and announce it to the whole stinking world! I am sick of the secrecy and lies.
It is liberating to finally talk. I chose carefully, but everyone has been VERY supportive.
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