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Was up early this morning, probably around the same time some of you are just going to bed. This always leads to alot of thinking and tossing and turning. Anyway. This is todays moment.
In thinking about my childhood and my current life, i realize that i have rarely had a chance to be me. And that not only have i not had the chance to be me…a shell of a me exists.
When other people were having fun in high school and then got to go off to college…my parents got divorced, i did not get to go to college out of high school and got married at the age of 18 to my first husband. I had my first daughter at 21, second at 22. I divorced at 26, remarried at 29 to SA, had another baby at 33….life has been a whirlwind. In between i put myself through school for my asociates and then my bachelors and also earned licensure for appraising.
When most everyone was living the life of me…my parents were getting an ugly divorce with my father having cheated on my mother…and he fled to the other side of the country…and we barely saw him ever again. (i know now that there is nothing worht seeing, he is a selfish ass, still is to this day). But my life has been full of stress, downfalls, child rearing, basically always doing it on my own. I have not got a chance to grow up per say and be me, i have just been going through the motions…becasue that is what i had to do to make it, there has been virutally no time for me. I am hoping that someday soon i will be able to fit more time in for me, explore music, art, theater..blah blah lbah…maybe not exactly these things…but you get the idea. I am actually a great artist…can paint and draw realisticly very well…but i digress.
Or maybe its that I have this glorified sense that everyone else is so much different than me…that everyone else has it so together with these extravagant…well meaning and directed lives. That everyone else has it together.
I want to decorate my house for me. I want to give it my style. I want to create a wardrobe for me versus what is the cheapest at the store. I want to put up artwork and decor that is for me…versus nothing because of money…create on a budget. My house is a mishmash…buying again what is cheapest..and i want to create it to be a place for me and my family..created by me..create our home. I want to be able to take pride in it. I also want to create a wardrobe that i love, i love to dress up. And with my new job i can again, looking forward to putting that together. Quality not quantity.
I also want to be able to create little weekend trips and go do things i have always wanted to do with the kids. Make plans to see things we have not seen. Create a life for me and them at the same time. My worst fear is that they will be like me…Ugh.
Maybe i was up to early and this makes no sense?!?!
Today is a new day. Off to the zoo or fair for a day of fun!!
Love to all,
FloraFlora– Why would you not want your children to be like you?
You’re a baddass honey— and so, so, so much more!Love ~ Lexie
Hi Flora, it makes perfect sense, because you described it so well:) thank you for sharing those thoughts. I have always looked at your life as one filled with a sense of purpose, provide safety and a home for those 3 daughters and staying very busy with them and a full-time job, and said to myself “That girl knows what’s important.” And you do…..and I will continue to think that:) but I got your point about “you”, again, thanks for sharing those thoughts and a great discussion for all of us.
P.S, You are teaching those daughters honesty, courage, responsibility, love….Let me think about that for a sec. Yep, as a mother I’d be okay with those qualities in my grown children.
Love,
MarieFlora,
Your life sounds a lot like mine, really, minus the parents divorce. I think those early years of independence and children and mistakes are a normal part of life.
I don’t know anyone who got to do the decorating and self exploration until midlife when there was more money and time. So to me, you sound like your priorities were straight and you have that time to look forward to.
Love, Debora
Flora,
Youre a gift to your daughters. Not many people (men or woman) have your drive to make it. There is so much pride in what you have accomplished totally on your own that nothing monetary can compare. You’re very special and bright and I hope you know you’re an inspiration to your daughters and to me.
Love, NapFlora,
You inspire me so much. And ditto on Marie’s “p.s.” I can’t wait for you to find your happiness and do all of the things on your bucket list.
Much love,
ZGReal life isnt about “things” or “money”, its about the content of our character and doing small things with great love.
Guys thank you so much. I know i have done alot, but feel i should be more to me? But i think you are all right. And Deb had a good point that the little things maybe come later in life after the kids have flown the coop… i will be …uhhh…do the math…uhhh…51. There is still time…and plenty of time later in life too. I should just try to sleep in the wee hours of the morning…
Today we had a great time at the zoo and carousels. Okay the zoo we zoomed through in about 2 hours…and then she wanted to go to the carousels. The first was at the zoo and was a reproduction in the 1980’s. The second was the cresent point carousel in riverside rhode island, circa 1895. It was part of a old amusement park, which has since demised. But the carousel was restored in in 1985 and is now a registered hostoric landmark. We both loved it, and finished the day with icecream!!! I’m not sure who had more fun. It was like stepping back to 1895. Original caliope and everything. Very pretty.
I did order my notebook to start my dream journal and it will contain my bucket list. By 60 i hope to have this all together!
Love you all!
FloraHi Flora Dear,
I understand what you are saying? I was a young mother and it always seemed to be kids, my crazy family, my husband who was like another kid and school, work, money bills ect ect. The thing is …it sounds like you are still in your 30’s?? You have time, Flora, though your life is very, very full and I am sure you do get tired? I believe you are going to meet the “one” Flora, and this time he is not going to be like your Dad? When you do…and no rush…he is going to help you and you are going to have more time to develop YOU? That being said….you are developing YOU, as we speak and you are a wonderful, brave girl who doesn’t need a fancy wardrobe to shine like a gem. Of course, it is nice to be able to relax and be a girl again and just have a chance to NOT be the adult all the time and just waste money you do not have on a pair of ridiculous high heels shoes…..I hope you can encorporate those whimsical things into your life of adult chores? I know your daughters will be strong, smart and ready to stand alone….as women, we all hope we will not have to do it all alone, BUT it sure does not hurt to be prepared? You were prepared Flora and that is why u live free of the sickness today? God Bless Karen x
My husband is NOTHING like my dad— and my h DID help me to blossom and grow– in the beginning, that is. I lost my dear brother 10 months into our relationship 9.11.1987) and my h couldn’t have been more THERE for me. Then, when I was floundering for the first several months, he continued to be THERE for me and our love deepened. I went to career counseling and decided to go back to school, which he supported, completely. We married the following summer and I was so, so happy… He was a devoted husband and father and then we moved out of the city into this beautiful place that has never ever felt quite like “home.”
This is what scares me. We don’t normally have a bad relationship. In fact, it seemed to be getting back on track, but there was just some creep factor that prevented me from entering the realm of the physical. (and the frequent stench). But, for those that have been around here for a while, for that last several months, I have become increasingly uneasy about the dickship, computer system, a veritable albatross of wires and hard drives, lurking outside our bedroom door.
Y’all probably think I have some kind of olfactory fetish. Honest, I don’t. Almost everyone smells just fine to me, unless they have that ammonia smell in their arm pits.
My point is that I think that sometimes we see the red flags, in hind sight but I absolutely do not see any with my husband. The ONLY one, and its not a very obvious one, (IMO) is that he had quite a few platoniic girlfriends when I met him, because he enjoyed the company of women.
It didn’t phase me in the slightest, because it was so OBVIOUS that he was absolutely mad about me and I fell in love with this funny, delightful, oh-so-fun-to-be-around, very sensitive (gawd– i’m gonna throw up!) man. For the most part, the girls either dropped out of sight or if they didn’t, they became my friends too.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that almost any man could become a sex addict and thats both scary and sad. 🙁
Anyone can turn out to be anything.
But that’s not just only going in the “bad” direction. Some men can turn out to be more than we hoped. (we just don’t hear much of that from our own experiences). Most importantly WE can turn out to be anything. It doesn’t matter who we’ve been so far in life, we can still be different in the years that follow. That is up to us.
Yes, there is a time to grieve the time we may have lost doing other things, but still things that needed doing! Just don’t sit in the grief pile too long. We are not too old to start something new for ourselves—whether it’s going to school, starting work, building relationships with new friends, taking up new interests etc. I know it sounds corny, but I’ve actually written this several times on both sites. We have to step out there. We have to join the choir, the walking club, the book club, take the class, volunteer at a drop in centre or homeless shelter, say hello first and make a friends. That’s what we have to do. And when we do it, things begin to happen. Maybe from five of those initiatives, one good thing will develop for your life. But nothing develops if you don’t show up in your life, and live it!!!
We have what we need. It’s already with us. We just have to start somewhere.
love to my sisters,
D.Very true, Diane, and sometimes we need to remember that. It’s having the courage to take that first step that is what’s so hard to concur. I believe we will all get there in our own time. Thanks for a great post.
Love CB
Too true Diane,
At some point, we ALL have to make the choice? Are we going to let them steal the rest of our lives OR are we going to LIVE the rest of our lives the best we can…with or without them?? I am beginning to feel the glimmer of hope in moving forward though there is little resolution with my husband? The glimmer is for my own life which I lost sight of with all that pain, rage, and confusion. Now, if I had to advise a woman, earlier in the process, I would accept her need to heal… BUT I would hope she would not linger any longer than she had to because it is her life that is slipping by? Karen xx
That glimmer is it, Karen. And btw, we all do this at our own speed and in our own way. I didn’t just walk away get started on MY NEW LIFE. I gave my SA a year to put a program together. I spent hours working on a full disclosure event with him. All for the purpose of going forward in the marriage. When that all blew up, I still took nearly another four months to dare to look at myself without him in the picture. Then I began to step out as if my life was first priority, as if it was “okay” to choose a direction that was first of all “good for me”. I told him as much, and that if he still wanted me he was going to have to run to catch up and find a way in. He didn’t run. He moped and played his old passive aggressive games and every script I’d ever known. But it was just all so clear now. And I had the scent of my own life, and I liked it. Still cry. Still look at his picture and remember how i loved him so. Still wish it hadn’t happened. But it did. My job now is to show my boys how to manage a personal disaster with grace, how to rebuild a life, how to dare to live again, how to stay open to love, and how to do it all without keeping secrets from my family.
You said it best, Karen—-“the glimmer is for my own life”. And ultimately that is one we are accountable for. Dont’ expect anyone to take your glimmer seriously, if you don’t.
love,
D.
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