Who’s divorcing and why?

Oh, Nap—

You are so right, this isn’t love.

You are so well rid of him. I’m sorry that you didn’t know all those years. Giving your heart to someone just to have them stomp it flat is so deflating. It makes you question all that you believe in. I know that it did me.

My journey is still on-going, as my SAH doesn’t have a clue that I know all that I know. (of course, I’m not foolish enough to believe that I know everything, but I know plenty!)

I am certainly not going to spend the rest of my life with SAH. I haven’t decided for sure to divorce him, as I am not willing to give him 50% custody of our daughter. I also stand to lose financially because of the sizable inheritance he will one day have from his parents. (which I will only get once the funds are co-mingled…. and I certainly plan on making sure that happens!!) I do, however, have fears based on some bits of evidence (not proof, my attorney reminded me) that he is stealing from his job. So, how long can our happy little charade continue???

At the moment, I am planning to “make” a job opportunity somewhere far, far away from here. Since I’m a blogger and am working toward making my living that way, I don’t have to be in a specific area to do my job. Why not tell him I have to be in X city (whether it’s Paris or Chicago doesn’t matter!) and will have to make a year’s commitment because of leases, etc. Stay married, visit infrequently, and keep all of the marital benefits. That is my plan today. I hope to implement it at the end of the school year (so June 2012).

So put me down as a neither! Not divorcing but definitely not working it out either. Making my own way that will benefit me and my DD. 🙂

NAP, I have always wanted to be a traveling nurse. Even when we married I made it clear that after retirement for him, I would probably be away about 4 months of the year. That career goal was put on hold, I was about to do an LPN to BSN course and then I moved here after marriage. Being in charge of preparing two houses to go on the market and keeping them “show ready” in a viciously competitive market; helping my two children absorb their relocation and school changes with finding and fitting into local activites with a little difficulty because it’s a very small town and we are definitely not “from ’round here”, I have little energy left. Then there was H’s father’s failing health, and oldest daughter’s wedding to help with (the biological mother showed up the night before, left after the father/daughter dance, nice)

Now, with what I know, I had better make that career goal happen and soon. Months without even having to look at my H. Relief from the constant sifting through what is, is potentially, or is not a lie. A sense of accomplishment not tied to whether he held the line or not, heavenly!

Hi Sis,

Yes, I am one of those. Married 27 years. Currently living separately for the last year. My son got married this past June which was an interesting element to all the BS that was erupting in our married life. Trying to be happy for my son and his lovely bride, as our marriage was crumbling was another facet to the pain.

I came across emails to prostitutes on craigs list he was trying to hook up with. After bringing it to his attention and asking for explantion and truth, he drip fed information about massage parlors, prostitutes and an affair in another country. He thought he might be a sex addict and went to seek treatment.

I needed a visceral connection with him and a sincere recovery to move forward with our marriage. Lacking the ability to provide that to me, being in shock that I was standing firm on my needs and angry that his ego was not being fed, he lost himself in self pity. To add to the misery he got fired from his job. The loss of his job was more of an injury for him than what was happening in the marriage.

I knew that he was a self centered person, but the combination of these events revealed to me the depth of his egocentric mannerisms.

I am still trying to come to terms with it all. Intellectually, I can step back and understand it. Emotionally, I don’t want to believe it. My mind continues to fight the good parts that I know are in him, the part of him that I loved. He is a very generous man. He helped many people. I can see the boy that is underneath the facade of the man that is struggling. I want to wrap my arms around that little boy and bring him out. I want to take care of that little boy that I know is there. I want to do that for him but right now, I need the man in him to take care of the little girl in me who is shattered and hurting. I needed him to wrap his arms around this little girl in me who is hurting, scared, and unsure of the love of her husband. The hurt little girl who is residing in my heart exposed her raw grief hoping that he could assure her that her husband loves her and will do the work necessary to work our way out of this muck.

Instead of that, I received a letter from his lawyer a week after my sons marriage that he wanted a divorce. Again, pain on top of pain. It was a turning of the knife that was already in my heart to know that at my son’s wedding, he had known all along that he was going to divorce me. Again, it revealed how cowardly he is that he could not even talk to me about it. Yes, I knew we were obviously having problems. Yes, we were living separately. Somehow I thought that we were both working on ourselves, but ultimately we would come back together. When I asked him why he did not come to me and talk to me about getting a divorce before going to a lawyer, he said that he can’t communicate with me. He said that I would not be able to hear him because my anger is to big. So once again, it is my fault. I am the one who is preventing the marriage from recovering. He has done everything he can possibly do to try and make amends for behaviors from his sex addiction and I am holding on to such resentment that he can not move forward. Oh and by the way, he is now saying that he really is not a sex addict. His acting out was just the starting phase of sex addiction. Sex Addiction is a continuum that grows over time.
Luckily he was just on the outer edges of this process so his acting out was considered a compulsion not an addiction. His acting out did not come close to the addicts that he was in counseling with. It is your typical minimizing and deflecting that we all know about.

The reality is that I am blowing this way out of proportion and that he is offended by my accusations.

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UMMMM hello, I did not even know what sex addiction really was until I found his prostitute emails and he told me that he thought that he has SA and wanted to seek treatment. I mean, so he got his dick rubbed. Am I happy about that? NO, but we are all human. We all make mistakes. It is not even really about the fact that he had sex with other woman. (Again, am I happy about that? NO!!!!) He just can’t understand because of his self centered egotistical pride that I am hurt and need him to respond to that pain. I need him to show compassion and empathy for my broken spirit and to care more about that hurt soul for 15 minutes than his self pity.

Again, I digress, I have asked for too much. I love him, I don’t want this as our future. I wish it were different. I must accept reality for what it is. The only way to continue on with a relationship with him would have been to pretend that I did not notice. It would be like Adam and Eve pretending they were not naked after taking a bite of the apple. I don’t want to move on, but I don’t want to go back. It is like living in never never land.

The pain of abandonment, loss and betrayal can not be minimized. When you love someone, it is hard to stand far enough back to see that it is really not about you. I am having to face the reality of the illusion that I tried so hard to protect.

Cindy,

You deserve better! I agree, the minimization does get in the way of recovery. It would be so refreshing for them to just say it, even the most horrible things. Then it’s out there and you know that they are aware of the reality of it. Somehow, that seems like (only guessing, my H has yet to actually do it) saying “I know I can trust you to hear me and move forward”. That would feel like an effort, a trust in the hope of the marriage. The lies mean, “I’m hedging my bets, babe”, in my book.

Dear Cindy

You made so many sincere and valid points—I wanted comment on some of them. They were helpful to me.

“I need him to show compassion and empathy for my broken spirit and to care more about that hurt soul for 15 minutes than his self pity.

YOu summed up so much here. I believe every SAH on this site has the power to restore their marriage and heal their wife. Yes, I beleive they can help us heal and move on. But so many just don’t do it. Then they blame us for our “anger” and how that hinders THEM. Ohhhh it is sick sick sick at its core. People that are Truly sorry people, who want to change, kiss their wives’ behind for however long it will take them to win them back. Mine has had breif moments of this, then a quick return to what he knows best. Addiction, abuse, PD — manipulation. He can hardly exist without them. really sad.

I wanted to say, while I am so sorry for your suffering and hurt, and how deeply it is felt, I think there is really a bright side to your story — that he filed for divorce. He is telling you, I can’t do this, I can’t or wont’ change, I need to end it. Instead of dragging it on and on, years filled with hope, and let down and more of the same. Cindy, — you get a get out of jail free card!! IN a way, he did the work for you. YOu don’t have to vascillate. It hurts, yes, and horribly horribly so, but I think you will be in a much better place in time. Knowing that our spouse has filed for divorce, is hurtful, but instead of thinking of it as a knife, Cindy, it is your parachute. Get off the plane before it crashes and land safely on the ground. You can do this, and you can and will love again. I truly believe that for you. even if you can’t.

Also on the addiction / compulsion thing? aren’t we just splitting hairs here? does it matter that much? Ok, if he can’t come to terms with being an addict and is offended by it, what would he like to call it? labels, labels, — they are not so important as is his behavior, and what he is done, and his unwillingness to get clean with it.

Cindy, I really liked your description of never never land. And adam and eve w the apple. So many times I have thought of that biblical story in this, in that, once they knew they were naked–well, they just knew. There was no going back again. The revelation of SA and betrayal is like that, we never can go back to what was, and very very challenging to go forward with any degree of success and health. Now, much to our hurt and detriment, we know the reality of what they have done. It is a horrible thing. I wish there were easy answers, and that it was not all so very painful. I am sorry he has hurt you this way, and done what he has done. but they have. It is forever with us in some way. Love to you.

Cindy
Never read something more poignant, and heartfelt. You so accurately describe what we have all felt at one time or another. God bless and much love to you.
You will be in a better place sooner than you may believe
xxoo
Anna

I am planning to divorce or (legal separation at first), but haven’t taken the first steps. Working on becoming more solvent, however.

just have to jump in, though, if I may…

Ellen, maybe your husband has some good traits, but I don’t see how he is a “good man.” A good man doesn’t cheat on his wife his entire marriage and then pretend to go into recovery, just cause she’s upset? Although he certainly “might” have had good intentions.

BTW, the correct way to deal with “this” is first a double finger poke in the eyes, followed by a sharp slap in the kisser, and then, a frying pan over the head (or a bucket of water that you just used to clean the cat box with) and finally a swift knee jab in the nuts. 😉

As for “setting boundaries.”

(eyes rolling)

Weren’t they set 22 years ago, on the day you took your vows to one another, and I’m assuming in front of a whole lot of your family and friends?

He’s over 21 right? and you’re not his mother and its not YOUR job to tell him what’s right from wrong.

He cannot feel your pain; it is not real to him. only his pain is real to himself.

As for him finding peace? extremely unlikely and yes, its very sad… but we will be fine. I really believe that and after the last week or so… I’m really beginning to feeling it!

my dr. upped my wellbutrin to a therapeutic dose and I’m really noticing the difference! I’m almost a person again!

yipppeeee!!!

Keep working on you and getting back to YOUR dreams and what you want for your life.

yes, its VERY scary, but its also full of the most amazing possibilities for a life we once dreamed of, but were slowly forced to abandon because we were living with someone who sucked those dreams right out from underneath ourselves.

love ~ L

Ps, I threatened to depose the assistant and a couple of people at work who knew about them. Wish I had a picture of the look on his face.

I’ll get it for six years–half the length of the marriage. And I’m getting half of what is in his 401k now–half his retirement savings.

Lexie your responses are always so direct and on target. I admire your directness and humor. I still have a hard time seeing things as black or white but your comments give me another perspective to think about. You made me smile when I read your response and that was a wonderful gift. Thank you so much!

Cindy I have not posted my story yet and am on the fence if I will or not. I just am not comfortable with “talking” about details yet and not sure if I ever will be. I can say that while details may vary, it is really incredible how much commonality there is (lying, deflection, betrayal, minimizing and control) in the stories and posts of the courageous women on this site. My divorce should be finalized soon. There has been very little animosity between us. For me there has been great sadness and lately an emerging anger.
He recently told me that he has been telling his family that they should all still be nice to me because I am still a great person. Gee. Thanks.