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I thought maybe some of our newest sisters might like to know what we have gleaned from sharing our experiences, knowledge, research and opinions. So I’ll start by summarizing a few key insights with which we are working:
1. the jury is still out on whether we have addiction or compulsions in our partners. The debate seems to focus on the kind of accountability and ability to choose differently.
2. almost all of us believe the addiction/compulsion piece is actually symptomatic of a PD (personality disorder).
3. many of our addicts/compulsives also have ADD or AHD.
4. I can’t remember why but I think we have concluded that the PD is not underlying the addiction/compulsion but is running alongside it.
5. The 12 step is alternately liked and disliked. It may bring sobriety, but carries its own problems in its design because it plays into patterns of a secret life, isolates the wife/partner, permits gaslighting, often perversely puts men and women addicts/compulsives in the same meeting, coaches surrender not responsibility, and creates an abusive partner program that labels us incorrectly and then co-opts us into a demeaning and damaging role of recovery sheriff/manager while denying our truth and our experience and our needs. But sobriety is often a relief no matter how it comes.
6. Our experience is almost always indicative of PTSD. Unfortunately most therapy experiences become the second location for abuse where our experience is not heard, considered, or treated.
7. Most Treatment programs for sex addiction do not diagnose or treat the PD, so for the most part, they are money pits.
8. Clearest hope for us seems to come when we detach from “the problem” i.e. the sex addict and refuse to engage in gaslighting or the drama triangle in anyway
9. Self-care is absolutely essential and acknowledging that we have been abused is key to stopping the cycle and starting to work on us
10. The more time we give to the sex addict, the more time they will take – stop thinking about them if you can
11. Refuse to be part of their solution – you can only be your own solution. You did not cause this, you cannot cure it.
12. Assess the damage and do a risk assessment. Get out if you or your children are in any danger of being hurt. Or get them out. Whichever.
13. Whatever your thoughts are about staying or going, get savvy quickly. Move money if you can, consider how you will support yourself and your children and start getting into a financially viable situation. SOrt out your taxes, finances and a will. Get ready and safe to jump – this could turn at any point
14. Know you are not alone. This is isolating. This is secretive. This is damaging. Find yourself a safe real life person and if you havent got one – there is bound to be someone here at all times of night and day.
15. Take the help that is offered. Pride is nolonger an option.
16 – remember you are lovable and beautiful and do not deserve this shit x
17. Get a therapist for YOU. Don’t jump into marriage counseling right away. He has a problem. He needs to get his own help and fix it. You can’t. You need your own help. You are a victim. You have been living a nightmare. That needs to be recognized by you and by a good therapist who can help you-one who is certified in SA and one who understands the tremendous pain you are in and validates that pain.
18. Never say never to antidepressants. Many of us, who never dreamed of needing them or taking them have reconsidered and are glad we did. I, personally recommend Celexa, but I am sure there are many others.
19. Reclaim your life. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask the hard questions. Do you like what you see? Did you USE to like what you saw? Do you love and respect yourself? If not, why? You CAN get back to a good place again. You need to be honest with yourself and with your situation and above all, take care of YOU first. The rest will eventually fall into place.
20. We hate expressions like “acting out” and “slip”. (although sometimes we still use them in generalities because it’s just easier.) We like to call a spade a spade. So, when you are posting- just let it out! Say what you want to say and the way you need to say it in order to feel better! (as in- its ok to cuss if you want to or call an “acting out” partner a whore or whatever….) You will NOT be judged on this site. (Tough love sometimes, but never judgement).
21. Each sister is loved, respected, and cared for. Nothing in your situation will shock us. We are here for you and we all understand. SOS is a gift for each of us. We do our best to always be gentle, caring, and concerned for each other.
Wow Sisters. This is phenomenal! The brilliance of the collective wisdom here never fails to humble me.
I’m going to put this list together in PDF form and put it under the ‘resources’ menu. I’ll also send it out to everyone as an e-mail and add it to the welcome e-mails that every new member gets.
Please add more as you think of them.
Thank you JoAnn. I think it will help women to understand the underlying assumptions and learnings in our conversations. I tried reading our posts as if I didn’t have “the backstory” of how we’ve come to understand our situations and how many of our own insights we now hold as “givens, or likely’s”, and I realized we really could sound quite “out there”—-even when we didn’t know it.
It is amazing to gather up the wisdom and hard won insights, the critical debate issues, and the dealbreakers for us. And more stunning to realize you won’t find this anywhere!!! These discussions don’t happen anywhere else. We could teach a course on this thing, ourselves.!
Great stuff girls. For once I am speechless and cannot think of anything to add but am sure something will come to me…. 😉 This is a GREAT idea for newcomers because after cosa ect they must be blown away by some of our rants. 🙂
22. You may find that dealing with his behavior post-discovery, even if he goes into SAA and therapy, is almost harder to deal with than the shock of finding out about his secret life. He may minimize, get defensive, throw some blame at you, and then turn around and be remorseful and introspective, and then back again to being an a-hole. You may feel that you have no idea who he is, and the truth is, you really don’t. You’ve known his ‘self-medicating’ self, and may have wondered why he seemed so detached, and felt something was wrong that you couldn’t put your finger on. But once the self-medicating veil comes off, a stranger takes his place. If it is at all possible for you, at least a temporary separation is usually a very good idea. Your world has been upended, and living with the person who upended it can really mess with your head, when your head has already been messed with more than you thought possible.
23. You’re not alone, even though you probably feel more alone than you’ve ever felt in your life. We’ve all gone through..and are going through.. the incredible surreality and utter shock that you are going through.
24. Try very hard not to compare yourself in terms of healing. You are you..you have your own history, your own personality, your own limitations and strengths. Don’t beat yourself up or force a timetable on yourself, or worry that there are way too many days you can’t even get yourself out of bed or out of the chair. There may be days when you look at the clock and realize the whole day has gone by without you realizing it. Remember you have been severely traumatized. Take things day by day..even minute by minute..and be gentle on yourself. xoxo
Thank you all for this list. If anyone has anything to add I am listening. I feel like I am being led around by therapists and doctors. Funny, he spends thousands in phone sex and hookers and I end up needing anti depressants. Now we are probably going to spend thousands in therapy and I never had sex with anybody but him …. It’s just sad.
Dear Bev,
I remember the first few months after discovery. I was searching endlessley on internet, on COSA on SA anonymous, 12 step. I feel so fortunate that I found this place so quickly. The experience and wisdom for partners is priceless.
I am leary of any big price tag treatments for SA. But perhaps there are benefits for an intensive, etc. I think some of the sisters here have had found them helpful.
but I agree, ok, not only did you (H) have one heck of a good time, on our dime, but now I have to throw thousands of dollars at you too in therapy? to help you?
I’d rather go to elizabeth arden for the day. or get a tummy tuck. for every dollar spent on therapy for him, there should be money put in your piggy bank as well. match dollar for dollar. would be nice.
Thank you Pam.. That made me laugh:)
I hope some day to be interested in looking good again. Right now I am lucky to have on clean panties…I always thought I was a strong person but I am beginning to rethink that.
yay Bev! that me giggle too. clean undies are a good start–
what kind of intensive are you and your H considering? you mentioned it was pricey. Someone here may know or even attended if you would like to post the name of it. Or, you can email Joanne confidentially. She has a lot of resources.
We aren’t far enough along to really know what we are doing yet. I mentioned the money because I am seeing a counselor, he is seeing a counselor , and we are seeing our marriage counselor together ( on the recommendation of my therapist). I was so thankful for this site because I informed all three of them quickly that I wasn’t the one that needed marriage counseling !! Anyway , they said it would be more of a ” navigational resource”. I went tonight but still have some reservations. My H is extremely committed right now. But I have no idea if that will last. All I know is that I am now juggling therapy sessions, depression, anxiety attacks, and along with the rest of my life. Our marriage counselor did tell my H that she strongly recommended an intensive if he was serious about getting better. She said she would give us info next week. I just have this out of control feeling that my life is now being controlled by three therapists and an addict….. Maybe they can make a movie:)
Thanks for listening
I should add that I have in no way promised to forgive or stick with this marriage. I have two kid’s and I thought I loved my H. I did promise my therapist that I would wait until I was more emotionally stable to make a decision. I have seen an attorney just in case ….
i’m bumping this one up because we’ve had quite a few new sisters, and this might be helpful for understanding what on earth we are talking about, and why we are so different from other sites!
Great idea Diane.
I’d like to bump up to position number one in our list:1) You are the single most important thing post-discovery in your list of things needing your attention. You do not need to engage in any drama, any blaming, anything that does not make you feel validated. You do not need to take the blame for anything. You need to begin a simple day to day routine of self-care. Write an action list which takes into account your responsibilities and allows you to get the basics done, and allows time for you.
Care for you, your children and let everything else go if you can afford to. Ask for time off work / reduced hours for a period of time. ask for help with your kids / housework / etc
Consider this as major as cancer recovery. If you’d had major surgery people would rally around. Be honest as far as possible – describe it as a major traumatic life event and ask for help.
If there is one time in your life to be self-centrd and self-interested it is now. But that doesnt mean self-blaming, self-recriminating, self-abusive. It means loving and nurturing and recovering your sense of self. Your new self who will be forever changed by a traumatic experience – but a self who is beautiful and worthy and confident that whatever happens you will survive and you will recover and you will become the beautiful woman you are intended to be.
But it is hard and it takes work and effort. Just be ready for that to take a whole lot longer than you think it will and it will be slow, painful and will continue to keep taking you by surprise.Just cut yourself slack and love yourself.
Hope that helps x
This is a great list. Especially the new #1.
I’d like to add (if it’s not there- I could have missed it)…
Do not listen to any of the co-addiction bullshit.And no kidding about the therapy bills- I am seeing a therapist, DAH is seeing 2 therapists, my son is seeing a therapist, my husband and I both see my son’s therapist for co-parenting, and my daughter is seeing a therapist. And all because the big dumb-ass couldn’t take care of himself and his own dumb-ass problems.
Hey, Karen has made the point time and time again—this whole thing is a cash cow. Who cares whether the therapy works or the model is abusive to the wife? Does it make you money? Then hang tight and deny, diminish, defend. After all, you’re a CSAT.
Oh wait a minute, thats what the addicts/compulsives do…I wondered about how many CSAT’s were also addicts. I swear my DAH’s is. But what about the female CSAT’s? I can’t imagine listening to men talk about their addictions all day. How gross would that be?
Always wondered about those 12 Step meetings, too. How they all can sit there and listen and not get all hot and bothered hearing about everyone’s exploits. Just seems like a really bad idea. I think mine learned a lot from his 12 Step Meetings. Things certainly escalated once he started ’em.
Teri, a negative about the meetings is they help normalize the behavior for them in a bad way. I mean, I think my SA has heard more and thought more about prostitutes than he ever did before he started meetings, because everyone in the meetings goes/went to them, and often talks about that fact etc. So now it’s a much more normal part of the addiction for him, like he would feel “accepted” and “just like them” if he went now too. As opposed to crossing a horrible line. It’s another dose of “everyone does it” but this time regarding the SA population.
That makes sense. I mean, you want to fit in with your peer group, right? I have texts with people from his meetings where they ask each other to bring their computers and talk about how they “gave into temptation”.
I hated how whenever I asked how his meeting went and how it was helping (hahahaha- sarcastic laugh), I was told that I was being controlling and to butt out.
Where is the accountability? Especially when the group is 4 or 5 guys (sometimes he said it was just 2 of them and he was the more senior member). I suppose if someone wants to get better, none of that matters so much. The problem is the ones who don’t want to get better but who use going to 12 Step meetings as a smoke screen.
And that would be a VERY large percentage in my book, Teri. I get how alanon might be able to help an adult child reparent themselves…I don’t get how a bunch of people without a core self can lead others in developing a self??? A “self” is a pretty important ingrediant in a human being. If it doesn’t exist…if it is a big empty hole being filled up by perversion and the exploitation of others..then how much work would it take to change that? They make horror films about people like our husbands and the discovery of who they are is like being in a horror movie. Sometimes people are just too broken to be fixed. I think alot of SA/PD’s fall into that category. There is no amount of therapy or meetings that are going to re- develop these men. To me, it is all about just taking off one mask and putting on another. I am not very optimistic and I think the whole therapy model is bogus. karen xx
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