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I already do (great minds think alike).
New members get a series of automatic e-mails over the first two weeks after joining. One of the e-mails has a compilation of this thread.
I also think it is very important to let newbies know a bit of the history of this site, why we are the way we are and that we are not just a bunch of angry, jilted women.
We are a very special, unique group, highly intelligent, open, caring, insightful, funny, caring, compassionate…..I don’t have enough adjectives to describe all of you wonderful women. But, it is important that we are not misunderstood on first glance.
So, thanks Diane for bumping this up. You know how much I appreciate and love you. ~ JoAnn
Just want to add that this has absolutely been so helpful.
Also, there is a good therapist in England called Paula Hall she is in Leicester but will do skype – she specializes in sexual compulsively and has a much more fluid and trauma based approach than most American clinicians, even though she is CSAT.
The therapy costs have been outrageous to me – especially as my younger son, who is gay, has been in 2 residential treatment programs for his PTSD symptoms as a result. We have spent over $125,000 – it has taken all of my grace and magnanimity to not rant and rave over that one!!!!!!
Gosh, I just found some posts I wrote 11 months ago in this thread. Remarkable & lucid. I just copied them and am going to read these over daily cos I keep forgetting. 2.5 years post dday and I allow myself to get sucked in. It’s tough if you stay but just as tough if you go.
We need to add boundaries setting & maintenance to this list. The things we put up around the swamps of guilt, shame, SA and cosa to stop ourselves getting dragged in!
Wow. This is a great thread. I wish I had had this 4 years ago. Joanne I didn’t get any emails when I joined. Do you still send them?
I’ve only gotten through two pages of the comments so far but needed to put in my 2 cents before I get sidetracked. At some point some of you were talking about what really goes on at the 12 step meetings. On DDay I asked my SAH if he has ever tried this..He laughed and said all those meetings are are a chance for everyone to have sex. He said think about it, a bunch of people now have a valid and free way to get together for “meetings” with other like minded people and exchange phone numbers. He said he had been through the 12 steps 3 times and each time ended up having sex with his sponsor (this was prior to our marriage, sure wish he’d thought to mention it prior to our marriage) I remember thinking holy crap that makes sense it’s like a bunch of alcoholics meeting at a bar.
Mine supposedly is required to go to the meetings his sponsor attends ( along with 3 other guys that I know of). His CSAT also requires attendance at meetings that he sponsors….
I have No idea if that is the truth or not.
I have an odd insight into the lies mine tells. Before he caught on and changed his password to his email he “started recovery” “90 meetings in 90 days”. He would text me how sorry, how he’ll do anything, how he was shaking and having anxiety attacks at what he’s done to me and our kids etc. Within an hour before and after those texts I have emails he sent calm as anything “Dear xxx, I am very excited about joining the BDSM lifestyle, I hope you can show me the ropes at tonight’s meeting. lol” At the time I was talking him down from the ledge…deep breaths…one day at a time… Only once I got home did I log on and see the truth. I would have easily gotten sucked back in, he was so sad and believable. I swear he has no soul. My attorney has copies of everything.
I wanted to ask how many others have experienced their sa’s being passive aggressive along with the gaslighting. Mine was extremely so, the passive aggressive, I became more and more aware of this toward the end of this “relationshit” sheesh, how crazymaking the passive aggressive behaviour is alongside the gaslighting is, I would have surely ended up in an insane aslylum if this had gone on any longer with the sa I swear it is a wonder I am still alive all that along with all my health problems, God made me so strong I still marvel at it all.
@ Strongereachday, wow! I think you seeing that email was like a gift from the universe for you. My exsah was EXACTLY like that, and I fell for it everytime. Only after each round of discovery he became a little bit nastier. Juniemoon–I think they have to demonize us and play the mind games in order to convince themselves that they arent doing anything wrong, or maybe that we deserve it? I dont really know, but I think that when you hold the line with these guys and they arent able to manipulate you anymore, you see the real asshole behind the mask. So in answer to your question of whether anyone elses SA is passive aggressive and gaslighting–a resounding YES!
Strongereachday – it sounds like we could be twins. I have recent screenshots I took with my cell phone. They show my SA’s fb page with two chat window’s open – one a conversation with me with concern’s I had about our son who had recently been discovered with internet porn, and one with his online whore telling him about pushing his legs over his head so he could cum in his own face. From years ago, I had matched up BDSM sessions with my church retreats, him supposedly Christmas shopping for the children, you name it. Such liars! I will never understand HOW they sleep at night.
Oh BonnieB if you only knew..If not for him leaving his password on the computer one day I would still be blissfully unaware maybe til death do us part. If there is a gift in any of this it is that my knucklehead continues to leave a technology trail which allows me to realize just how twisted the lies are. He’s still…gaslighting? I’m still learning the terminology. I wish I could call him on it but then he’d know that he’s left another account unprotected. Like his pinterest (porn) page. I keep thinking I’ll stop looking when everything is signed…but I know I’ll keep watching cause as long as he’s with the kids for any amount of time I want to know what he’s up to.
Workingitout I’m so sorry to know you’re in this boat. How creepy is it when you can pinpoint his sexcapades to times when he’s doing family stuff? Yuck. That stuff scares me. I hate him being alone with the kids ever.Stronger – wow! That confirms what I think my H is doing too – crying his eyes out to me, having anxiety attacks but then finding some way to “release”. He’s a sex addict that allegedly hasn’t had sex in 6 months? Yeah right. To have that all in black & white just shows how sick this stuff is.
Btw, that fact that you got that login is the type of stuff that for me, has strengthed my faith in God. One would think this would have the opposite affect but for me, there were so many times over the past several months that I discovered something or had an “ah-ha” moment that gave me insight into what was going on that I really feel it was God’s way of getting me to push forward and not accept at face value what my H was telling me.
Oh and re: the 12 step groups. I found out last week that there is a woman who attends. My H. says he told me. I know for a fact he did not b/c I would have remembered that. I’ve had this sneaky suspicion that these groups cannot be good – you are meeting like-minded individuals who can introduce you to aspects of a lifestyle you may not have known about. Or you can share with them what you do. Sick.
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