Why have you chosen to stay?

I initially took the kids and left (across the country) when I found out how low he had gone with his SA, but decided to give things with him another shot a couple of months later when I sensed in my gut and could see from his actions that his attitude had changed…he was taking full and public responsibility for his problem, displaying humility that I’d never seen in him before, and was willing to do whatever it took to change whether I would decide to take him back or not…though he was hoping that I would. This included regular counselling with a specialist in SA, regular meetings with a support group including regular contact with a sponsor and accountability partners, installing filters and accountability software on our computers, answering any questions I have about the past and present whenever I want with apparent honesty, and treating me and the kids entirely differently than before (with respect and emotional honesty). I also needed to see him do these things without me doing it for him by spelling out what he needed to do or having to nag at him to continue doing them once he started. I need to know that he is self-motivated. I’m basically willing to stay as long as I believe he is actively working on his recovery for the right reasons (not to do just what he has to do to keep me around). If his recovery work ever grinds to a halt or he starts to act shady or relapses, I will re-assess my decision to stay based on what I see/know and how I feel. So far, so good. It is one day at a time, with eyes always open. We also both have an understanding that sometimes even if someone does change their behaviour, a relationship can be broken to the point where it is too little too late…and while he has earned back a tiny bit of my trust after seven great months of progress and recovery and change as far as I know, I will only stay as long as I feel safe enough with him that my trust can grow, even if that is at a snail’s pace. If I start to feel for any reason, even if I don’t have evidence right in front of me (which I always felt like I needed to have before) that my trust is diminishing or unable to grow anywhere near what I consider to be a healthy level in order for me to feel like the marriage can be happy and worth it for me, I will re-assess then . So…I guess my decision to stay is a flexible one that constantly depends on my gut and my observations regarding his recovery. As long as I feel he’s “clean” and really working on progressing in his recovery I believe my trust will grow slowly but enough that I’ll feel it’s worth it to stay. If that ever changes, so will my decision, and i’m so happy to know that I’m finally strong enough to leave and be okay on my own if I feel I should.

Thanks Lori…my kids are 6 and 4 and every decision I make is so much about them and what I hope will be best for them…or least damaging…unfortunately sometimes it seems to come down to that.

My decision to leave was terrifying because of my fear of raising them in a broken home, as a single mother…but once I faced that and lived that out for a while and realized it was better for me AND them than the influence of living with an acting-out SA, it was then really hard to decide to give him another chance and move back in together (that step didn’t happen till last month, when several months of really productive recovery were under his belt and I personally was feeling much more secure and stable thanks to lots of counselling and support for myself as well…separate from his recovery journey, I have been on my own to make sure I stay strong to face and deal appropriately with whatever the truth may be). I too was afraid that after putting the kids through the upheaval of leaving and explaining that change as best as I could, that I would go back, get their hopes up, and then have everything go to pot again and have to leave/kick him out once again. I was firm with him from the beginning that I was not willing to put our kids through an on-again, off-again family/marriage, and that if things go awry enough for me to tell him to leave he shouldn’t think he can come back. The kids need stability and they deserve to have me protect that need at his expense if need be. I HOPE it doesn’t come to that, but I’m now at least somewhat prepared for that possibility. All I can do now is hope we don’t have to go through another huge change/upheaval because of his behaviour, but trust and hope that if that does happen, the kids and I will be okay in the end.

It’s a calculated risk thing, I guess…I really believe that everyone’s situation is different and I don’t judge anyone for staying or for leaving. We all have our reasons and it’s never black and white or easy (though I used to think so before it happened to me…ha!). I have no idea where we’ll be in one year, 5 years or 20 years but I have enough hope that we’ll be able to be healthy and together with the right supports in our lives to take the risk of trying one last time. And if not, I’ll just do my darndest to protect my kids from further craziness and be a healthy role model to them as a single mom who doesn’t “need” a man who doesn’t treat her with respect!