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“crushed beyond functionality” ouch Lynn. I can relate. *Hugs*–hugs to all of the crushed. May you bounce back! Soon!
great thread. As I can say I have stayed(for now) due to things that I know deep down will not change- even though I have hope. I know it is a cycle and it will occur again- yet I want to have faith, I want to believe that he really is trying this time. But I know it isn’t true.
I am going to therapy though(without him, he is seeing a specialist who is one of the top in her field here and then she talks with my therapist so we know where we are at).
In therapy I am working on me- how to be stronger, how to put myself first, how not to just give back in to him.
So yes, I am staying for now… Yes I am in therapy.. Yes I joined the Prozac nation.. at 29- you would think therapy and Prozac would make me run. Instead I am looking at it as I am growing through therapy- I am going to learn to do what I say(no longer say- I am going to a hotel for the night, then end up on the couch, no longer will I be the one on the couch). My goal is to become a stronger person and when he does this next time- I say I am leaving and I do leave….
I know I should of already left but I am a people pleaser and I want the best in others. This was a repeated item with my dad growing up (he was an alcoholic and took his anger at my mom(they were divorced) out on me and i would always forgive him the next day for the verbal abuse or for missing my sporting events,etc.
So I am using our HSA account for my therapy to help me become a stronger person so the next time this is done I will follow through with what I say.
I also think for me a big part of it is embarrassment- Embarrassed I married him when it had been discovered before, embarrassed I believed his lies, embarrassed I wasted my families money on the wedding, embarrassed of another failed relationship(3rd guy I had lived with, previous 2 for 2 years each). Embarrassed that I moved for him, embarrassed that I took a job that paid less to move for him…..
Star, we all “get” the embarrassment. We’ve all got that in one way or another. You’re doing great. Just keep moving forward with taking good care of yourself.
FC – Many of our husbands have said “better marriage than ever” after exposure but I have never heard one woman here say they feel that way.
Desiree – maybe he is a temple prostitute.
BSI – He sounds very narcissistic. I also feel like I want to be in control of the ending to have my scripted closure. I don’t know if it would really make a difference but I go back and forth with the “You’re fired,” “You can’t fire me, I quit!” conversation in my head. I’m trying to let go of my imagined outcome and deal with the truth of my reality in every interaction in my life now.
Heidi – I’m copying that!!!
Debora – you are so right. It’s in the SA handbook, I guess. I can’t decide if he truely thinks we can having a marriage that is “better than ever” or if he is saying that as a carrot to keep me hooked.
Oh sisters,
It is so helpful to really be abel to tell my story. One of my closest friends, who gave me a place to visit for overnights before the MFPOSSAXXXXX was “removed” said – it must be karma. Like I had such bad karma that I deserved all that suffering. Really I deserved PTSD about his sexual abuses while coming off anesthesia after major surgery? I deserved to feel surgical pain because they couldn’t get enough meds in me to relieve my pain and anxiety? I am an RN and know how to ask for meds. Got treated like an addict. SHIT! Really? Really?
So, I stopped trying to tell friends. NO ONE could get a grip on what the hell happened to my life. One of my beloved relatives concluded that she should remain friends with the MFPOSSAXXXXX cause he really was a nice guy. WHAT???????? I can’t function and “he is a nice guy?” OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
To have a place where sisters listen, where sisters care. Where sisters cheer each other on, is priceless. Simply priceless.
Thank you again everyone,
DesireeI don’t stay because I love my husband. I despise him. I hurt for the scared boy he was that got completely fucked over by his parents and upbringing, but I hate the adult that wants to take no responsibility for himself and refuses to do anything but live in a disgusting and perverted reality. I want to cut him out of my life and forget I ever knew him. I want to be free, and never have to feel panic and fear and so much loneliness and mistrust in my own home. I don’t stay because I have any idea that I want a relationship with him. I don’t. The thought of him touching me or of us being anything other than roommates turns my stomach. I don’t even like him so much as to be his friend. He’s an asshole.
I just don’t know where to go with all of this. I have no friends or any sort of support group. I have one sibling who is disabled with multiple sclerosis and lives with my retired mother. They, my father, and an aunt are the only family I have, and they all live in another state, a thousand miles away. My father and aunt are ill and we worry about them. Packing up and going “home” isn’t really practical as they don’t have room for me, nor could they come get me. I also have my pets to consider, because there is no way I am leaving them. I could find homes for them and disappear, but how much more do I have to kill my soul?
We live paycheck to paycheck at the moment and I don’t know if I can even afford to think about calling an attorney and then trying to explain to my husband why I need to have him drive me to a lawyer’s office, or why there is a charge for it on our bank account. It doesn’t feel like the safest thing to do. I can’t be sure how he would react, and that scares me. I feel that “if I really wanted to” I could just take a bus or something, but I’m still scared of how he would react. Makes me feel spineless.
I was supposed to start school in the fall so I could get a real job – the idea being to help support us while husband worked towards a Masters degree, but at this rate it would be to support myself and my new life. Considering the best I have to show for myself otherwise is a GED and 8 years of being a housewife, I will need a degree to be able to do that and not just work some stupid retail job. I’d do any work necessary and be poor and happy, but losing the dream of making something of myself is painful. Is that enough to keep me here? I can’t think so, because all the stress and bullshit is making it impossible for me to care about getting things in order so I can start classes at all. I just don’t care.
It’s hard not to feel powerless in this situation. I don’t know what to do or what direction to go in. And in the end everything I said is just one big excuse, isn’t it? 🙁
No Avinea, it isn’t an excuse, it’s an obstacle and it just sucks. I wish like hell I could wave a wand and free you from the whole situation. Take some time and just breath. Don’t push yourself too hard. Be nice to Avinea. Read the thread “Anyone else” – there are so many of us who are having a hard time right now. February blahs? Collective angst? I don’t know but I’m sending you a big hug.
Love,
DaisyAvinea, you just need a plan. That’s all. And you’ve got a good start on one – going back to school in the fall. What would your course of study be? Hopefully, something you’re passionate about. And if I remember correctly, you don’t drive? Maybe that would be something you could address? Learning to drive would give you much more freedom and power. I’d wager getting these two things sorted out (starting college and a driver’s license) would give you a whole hell of a lot of confidence. We can tackle the next obstacle as it comes along 🙂 And your SA? Just consider him that horrible college roommate we ALL had at least once in our lives. Cheering you on! Love, Liza
Liza is straight up right. Stop tying to figure the whole thing out at once. Get a plan and start small steps.
In your situation ( you are afraid of him) you could call the women’s shelter hotline and see if they have some advice. They do help women.
Avinea I am so, so desperately sorry for the situation you are in. To say it is an excuse implies you have choices. I think you are being hard on yourself because your choices are limited with o family to turn to. It is easier for some to escape this nightmare. Bev’s idea to approach a womens’ shelter is a good idea. They can get you back on your feet. You are a young woman with a whole life ahead of you. You will escape the nightmare and have a happy, fulfilled life. Get that plan in place and take one step at a time. xox
No, Avinea, you are not making excuses. You are simply overwhelmed by the situation you’ve found yourself in, through no fault of your own. When we’re overwhelmed and exhausted, we don’t even know where to start. But like the sisters suggested, one baby step at a time. Now is the time to treat yourself the way you would a small child..with compassion and gentleness. Praising yourself when you accomplish something, even if these days that ‘something’ is taking a shower. No steps are too small, Avinea. And we got your back. xoxo
Dear Avinea,
If you have nowhere to go and no resources you must change your situation from within. Your plan to go to school and learn a skill is a good one. You should also learn to drive. Take all your focus off your husband and put it ALL on yourself. To Hell with him. Tell him whatever you have to in order to get what you need. He is completely unimportant and insignificant and a waste of energy. Don’t worry about him anymore. Begin to rebuild your life and think of how you can get everything you yearn for and deserve. Don’t make your life about “fixing” him. Make your life about you and finding a healthy man who doesn’t require a make over, in order to be human.
Karen xxI read a tony Robbins phrase that has always resonated with me. He said we either move toward please or away from pain. This is certainly me. I stayed because my relationship was “pleasure” even with the knowledge of what my husband had done, i still loved him. I still had my dream of our future and just needed him to correct a few things so we could get back on course. I left/am leaving because it got too painful and now I feel my pleasure will come elsewhere. His continuous lies, his silent treatments and lack of commitment were too painful to bear
Desiree, I had similar experience with very close friends of mine, they believed in the DW so much that I turn out to be the crazy one here, I stopped talking to them.
My attorney asked me why I stayed as long as I did. I started out saying that I loved him and then went on to say the things he would do if I left.
She said you can’t both love and fear him. I don’t know that I totally agree with that. But I get her point. The love you have in a marriage should not be driven by fear. Fear really should not be part of the equation at all. It should be the opposite. You should feel the absence of fear. You should feel safe. What kind of marriage is it if you are staying in any part because of fear?
FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. Although, Teri, in your case you had every reason to fear that motherfucker.
Teri, you’ve said a lot of wise things on this site and I’m sure you will say more but “what kind of marriage is it if you are staying in any part because fear?” is one of the wisest. I think we all know the answer but it definitely bears thinking about.
Well, that acronym, the false evidence appearing real, isn’t true for a lot of these SAs. They are completely capable of doing things any human would fear.
This that possible in the same relationship with love? I would certainly say it would be sick to fall in love with someone you knew you feared. But, to fall in love, live what you think is a happy life with someone, build a real bond, and then DISCOVER they are to be feared – that’s a different story. Then you have to go through the death, be it instant and traumatic or by degress and traumatic, of the love bond. In that respect, yes then they can be in the same relationship. And that exponentially increases the trauma of the whole experience.
I think that we should not be judged because the love doesn’t disappear with the first whiff of fear. Part of the control tactics of all of these SAs is to diminish the partner’s belief in her own judgement. Gaslighting. And the “addiction” is isolating, so there’s less and less outside feedback to validate the partner’s fears as realistic. It’s not black and white, in other words.
From the outside looking in, it is. From the inside looking out, not so much. And that is by intention on the “addict’s” part, be it conscious or not, so that the addicted partner can continue in his addiction as long as possible.
FEAR
false evidence appearing real
face everything and recover
fucking egotistical asshole ruined
final exit another run
fully entering asexuality realm
finally exiting asexuality realm
form exit and rebuild
firm end almost reached
fiercely excited about recovery
fist extended about reconciliationi’m writing a piece for piano and clarinet. fear will be one of the movements. i’ll ask myself what fear sounds like..
another will be about illusion, the illusion these guys are in love with, the gloss on the page, the glow of the computer screen, the lighting..
the third, dissociation and fragmentation.
thanks liza for bringing up the fear acronym, you reminded me of some work that i really look forward to, brightened my day a bit…
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