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For some reason, when I read “firm end almost reached” I thought of Nap and George Clooney. Hahahahahaha!
I had a talk with my mother and she is of the same mind as a lot of you ladies – grin and bear it while working things in my favor. That means putting up with all the crap that goes on around here until I at least have my license. I’m not sure I want to think too long on living with this until school starts. That alone is enough to seriously overwhelm me.
What I need are strategies to deal with the idiot and his mood swings and angst, because it’s so easy for him to hit all the right buttons and drag me back into the same dysfunctional cycle with the usual fights and tantrums. If he feels I am not paying enough attention to him, he’ll become clingy and needy and pester me while I’m doing my own thing. If I tell him I’m busy, he sulks and will eventually pick a fight. If I’m interacting normally, that triggers all of his mommy issues and he starts acting like a little boy. Which will start a fight whether I mention it or ignore it. The fight is his ultimate goal, because it’s a form of comfort he feels he has control over. I don’t need to tell you all how hard it is to live with that on a daily basis and not lose yourself. Or how hard it is to interact normally at all, when so much resentment and anger is simmering inside that I want to just yell at him for acting as if nothing at all is wrong.
What I don’t get is how this has progressed so much from the start of our marriage, and why it got so bad after his relapse last year. I probably shouldn’t even care, but it makes me feel crazy to think that I actually married him, even if things were not like this back then. All I do know at this point is he owes me a hell of a lot for the last eight years, and I intend to collect on it.
Avinea,
I don’t want to speak for anyone, but I don’t think anyone wants you to grin and bear it if you don’t feel you can do that. I think we were giving you some ideas about how to handle it if you feel you can’t leave?Honey, if you want to go then get the heck out. Go to a women’s shelter. If the situation is intolerable or volatile, don’t stay. The last thing you need is to be so worn down and overwhelmed that you violate your own values (which can and does happen, believe me). Or for you to wreck your own health trying to suppress your emotions.
You sound like you need a break. Is there any way you can get some distance?
I agree with Teri Avinea. If I remember correctly, suggestions were made to try to smile at him while making your exit strategy behind his back so you could get out at the first available moment. Certainly not “grinning and bearing it” as a long term strategy. And yes, if it is becoming intolerable, give yourself a break and some space if at all possible. He may owe you for eight years of misery but you owe him NOTHING.
Avinea….yes…only put up with him long enough to figure out how to get out and away from him. As to how to handle him…just ignore him. Just completely freeze him out. No one can drag you into a fight if you don’t let them…if you just walk away or say nothing. You are responding to his behaviour in some way and you have to give no response. As long as there is no physical violence, you just stick your fingers in your ear and go “nah, nah, nah- I cannot hear you and I do not wish to hear you.” BUT if you actually want to hear about his shit or remain involved in his shit…then everything will continue on exactly the way it has been. You CANNOT change him in any way BUT you can change your response. That is what you have control over. Your response. If he is violent then you have to leave. If he is not violent there is no way he can force you to talk to him- EVER. So just don’t. Karen xx
Unfortunately, our mothers don’t have a clue. I finally told mine yesterday about Greg’s October relapse. She sat in shocked silence for a moment and then she said, “Can I ask you a personal question…we both know that men really need sex. Would he say that he did what he did because you wouldn’t have sex with him?” Then it was my turn to sit in shocked silence at the ignorance that surrounds this. All I said was that I’d never denied him sex, had in fact just endured a lecture from my gyno because of it, and that I’d had another round of std testing. I bit my tongue so as NOT to say, “how can one little old lady like me satisfy a man looking for men, gay couples, straight couples, prostitutes who give perineum massages, and girls who wear strap-ons?” I might say it yet, though.
Lisak–Beautiful, just beautiful! Can you please find a way to share your piece with us when you are done?
March, so sorry that your mom couldnt understand. It is disheartening when people close to us dont get it.
Avinea, just be sure to know your own limitations and take care of yourself–whatever that means for you.March honey. You cann’t. So don’t try anymore. If you have to stay with him for money or your daughter, then stay. But don’t give him anymore of your emotions and effort. And find someone on the outside to have intimacy with. A sexy looking redhead like you should have no trouble in that dept. And if you find someone you really like, who is healthy, then dump Greg’s
sorry ass onto the nearest strap on and get out. You are SO too f–king good for him. Feel free to pass my advice on to that CSAT. 😉 Karen xxMy mother keeps rehashing the entire 25 years that we( our family) has known my H and why SHE just never suspected a thing. She has even talked to her shrink about how this got past HER. I just nod and say nothing.
March, I am so sad that you had to hear that from your own mother- the one person who should love and support you know matter what! And this is not even a “no matter what” kind of situation. I’m sure that must have stung, even if you were halfway expecting it. It really says so much more about her than it does about you which is cold comfort when it’s your mother we are talking about.
I can understand why your Mum said this. She does not know about the world of the SA. I wouldn’t internalise what she has said. She is just ignorant.
And Avinea, girl, you must read “The Gaslight Effect”! (I know, I should be on commission 😉 ) Since I read this book, I have not once been “taken to the second location” (thank you Diane for that concept!). And Lord help me, I used to get drug there way too often.
Okay–this is my last oldie but goodie for a while, but this is a fantastic thread. Love Lisak’s FEAR acronyms. BTW Lisa–can you record that piece and share it with us somehow? Hugs Ladies!
FEAR
false evidence appearing real
face everything and recover
fucking egotistical asshole ruined
final exit another run
fully entering asexuality realm
finally exiting asexuality realm
form exit and rebuild
firm end almost reached
fiercely excited about recovery
fist extended about reconciliation
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