will it ever stop kicking me in the gut

Katt,
So sorry about xxxx. I think we all have a xxxx our SA have followed around-very sickening. It would be interesting to go and see what he does…maybe…maybe not….youre right it seems neverending.

lylo you have hit the nail on the head.

i think so many times we put so much effort into all of this with us, researching it for them, figureing out what they should be doing. I think this needs to be done for us. But where is the SA? mine was nowhere to be seen, and definatley was not putting forth the effort that I was. But he never has in any areas of our relationship which matter most to me, it was just words.

Here is the real deal. If a man wants to be with us, they will do whatever necessary to win us back and to continue to be with us. JoAnn and Marie, seem to have those men. But it is with a clause only as long as they are active in recovery and continue to make progress. But they appear to be doing the work and JoAnn and Marie seem to have this level of comfort. For many of us we have never reached near close a level of comfort which is comforting. Plus for me my SA appeared just gone, he made no effort to convey to me one thing, never told me about meetings or his sessions with his therapist. So to me i need to know and I need to feel that comfort level that he is really trying and had my and our familys best interest at heart. But he told me nothing, and nothign appeared to change in any way, even though I spelled out exactly what I needed.

If they can’t do whatever necessary or avoid these situations by however necessary; then they are not really interested in making the effort towards us about their recovery. And one would even question are they even in recovery? or are they just not? or did they just stop?

And another tidbit. I have a workbook of the SA’s for sex addiction. Reading through it i see/saw how twisted their thoughts are, how much we are not in them….as only the jailer or the person in the way, or the person whom is mad at them. We are not real people to them, nor do they see us as such. We are almost like game peices, as they try to evade us, play us, and get what they want. That is sad, when we had hoped for so much more, but did/do not have that.

Each time i look at things or go over things that he had done i see a different aspect of it. This time with the workbook i saw a man who really was all about him, who does not care about what he does and how that hurt me or women in his past, everythign is so shallow. That is how they continue to do what they do, as there is no feeling about us or the other people.

There is a moment when we see and accept the cruel limits of mutuality in a relationship with an SA. There are many moments when we see it. But only one when we see and accept. When we accept the limits, we can either separate and build a live for ourselves without him, or we can build a life that factors in the limits by establishing boundaries, different expectations, real consequences etc.

Even with the limits, it takes two to build that life, so the SA has to have enough self-awareness for the parameters of that life to make rational sense somewhere in that penis brain.

Some of the SA’s described on this site seem to have their heads permanently up their asses as far as self-awareness goes. Others seem very committed narcissists. Still others are just too lazy to do the work. “it takes all kinds”—remember that saying? So not everyone can build the 80/20 relationship like JoAnn has, or Marie. Some of us just have to walk away.

Sorry about the emotional rollercoaster you were on Katt. You deserve so much more from your SA, and from his family too.

D.xo

“we are not in them….as only the jailer or the person in the way, or the person whom is mad at them. We are not real people to them, nor do they see us as such. We are almost like game peices, as they try to evade us, play us, and get what they want.”

Flora, thank you for writing that. I would never have been able to put it into words, but that is exactly what I felt from my husband long before I had any clue about what he was up to. It really helps me to keep increasing my understanding of what went on in my marriage. I was so so confused during most of it. I’m already divorced, but it feels better to be somewhat less confused about it all now.

Hi NAP – To me, I don’t think it is possible to have a happy marriage to a sex addict. I think those marriages that do succeed are very rare.
One of the things that made my decision to divorce (only one of many) was fear of down the road. Although Steve was lieing/deceiving, he appears, and I say “appears,” to be working toward recovery. He is on RN, continuing to work with his therapist, and attending Celebrate Recovery- a 12 step religiously oriented program.
I just can’t help but believe the lieing will continue down the road, the slips/relapses will continue down the road, and I will never really know if he is telling the truth or covering for his addiction. How would we ever know for sure??
I made up my mind the percentages for all of that happening are pretty high, and I don’t want to live the rest of my life feeling like I am on pins and needles- constantly waiting for the ball to drop. To me, that is just not a marriage or healthy relationship.I think you said it all when mentioning we have to lower our our values and expectations, and I know would always be hypvervigilent about keeping those eyes wide open and, yes, probably even checking up on him occasionally.
I guess I am the type of person who needs a sure thing, and living with an addict would never be a sure thing.
Hope you are having a good week-end

Sharron..I totally agree with what you said…there is absolutely no peace..not even when sleeping…with the help of all of the sisters on this board I am finally getting some much needed wind beneath my wings to finally end the madness of the past 35yrs(25 of knowing about his SA)…that’s what happens when you keep thinking it’s going to get better and everything will be good and healthy…it’s a lose-lose game in most situations….I’m tired