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There are about 3 or 4 women SA’s who attend the 12-step meeting my SA frequently goes to. It makes me so uncomfortable for obvious reasons – I keep thinking perhaps they might be prostitutes or strippers, the “ideal” fantasy woman in my SA’s head, you know, women who want sex every minute of the day. I cringe knowing the women probably stand up there and “share” about when they last masturbated. Gosh, clearly this ignites an image in all the addicted men’s minds, wouldn’t it? My SA is at his meeting right now as I am typing this, and I often wonder if these women will be stuck lingering in his mind once he’s back home. How do you handle this?
At the same time, I know it might be quite uncomfortable for these women to be there, as they have no other group to attend away from the men. As far as I know, where we live there’s no gender separate meetings.
I am wondering, do you think SA women are just as crazy/insane as our men, in regards to the insideous and cold ways they treat their partners? I’ve never really heard or read much about these women from a male partner’s point of view. Do you think they are as emotionally immature, twisted, cruel, manipulative, abusive, and as fucked up mentally? In my mind, I can’t picture or imagine them to be as bad.
I don’t spend any energy wondering about whether they are better or worse, I just go nuts because they are in the male SA’s 12 step group. This has to be the stupidest, dumb ass indicator of how fucked up 12 step really is for sex addiction.
I’d think even with “only” 4 woman they should start their own group. I’d never want to discuss that stuff in front of a man. But maybe they get off on it. Who knows.
Do you think he told you about it to try to be honest (which is at least one good thing about it) or to sort of rub it in your face?
My H Had one woman in his group. He told me. He says she comes and goes but never comes every week. His group has 20 guys. I feel sorry for her. But I wasn’t thrilled with it. 🙁
My consolation was that my H’s group a a step/book study group. Not a support type thing. They do not tell their stories. They don’t talk about their fuck ups. They share nothing personal. It’s not a support group. He is in one of those as well and it’s a men’s only. He also says all that group ever does is sit around and whine.
If I had to place a bet, I’d say woman SA’s are probably worse. Woman can be very manipulating, sneaky, etc by nature. More so than men.Add to it this? Look out. I feel really sorry for their H’s. Finding help from other men has to be just plain impossible.
Agreed with Diane. Can you imagine one of these female’s disclosing their latest actvity to the group? they (the men) will run out and act out at first chance. it is absolutely retarded.
yeah, prolly go jack off in the bathroom – right there in the building….. Ewwww……
I would NOT let my SA HUSBAND attend meetings where other SA’S were female. No Way.
Hi ladies
my h sa group has women in the meeting but then they break out
they can share in the general meeting. And he said the women have some really awful stories leading them to where they are
none has shared I did this this week, etc. Mostly, the women have been thru some sort of sexual trauma and have been acting out sense in pretty devastating ways
nothing sexy about it
but regardless I too get uncomfortable w the co-meetings.“yeah, prolly go jack off in the bathroom – right there in the building….. Ewwww…… “
When I brought up the issue with him on the phone last night, and told him I am VERY uncomfortable about women there, he actually told me he went to the bathroom while the woman shared. So that exact thing entered my mind!
For the past 2 months, the meeting has been an “ID” topic, where they essentially talk about their past, their addiction history, and what brought them to the 12-step meeting.
I always have to ask “Were there women there tonight? How many?” He never openly comes forward and tells me if I don’t ask him. He always tries to make me feel guilty, like “What am I supposed to do?!” insinuating I shouldn’t be picky and should be happy he’s at least going.
I know one of the women is apparently quite old and has a few years sobriety, and he says she is not a problem for him – but there’s this particular young one in her 20’s named “Lauren”, and I can tell she’s a problem for him. He will never outright admit it to me, though.
i have told my partner i will not agree to him attending meeting with women. its men only meeting,
i dont care if he has to travel. there are many meeting online or phone. told him having meeting with both men and women is like a aa meeting in a open bar. i feel that these meeting are just setting him up to fail, hes does that on his own.Victoria, There are telemeetings as Katt has mentioned. It might be an option if it’s a problem. The meetings shouldn’t cause you distress. Even if they truly are helping him… they shouldn’t hurt your marriaege.
why would they allow both men and women attend the same meeting. really due to the nature of sex addiction and the fact that addicts do not tell the truth it seems to me it would be counter productive to have both sexes attend the same meeting. the few paid clinics ive looked at online stress that the meeting are of one sex men or women. i would love to know why any 12 step program does this
Amen, March. I feel for women who need the support group, but there has to be another option than add this element to the group. Find another. My sister said that her AA meetings were distracted by all of the hooking up going on. Yikes.
Katt…
for those who live in a small area… having a meeting just for one gender may leave some poor woman sitting in a room alone. There are well over two dozen SAA meetings within 20 min of my house so there are men only groups. But I don’t remember seeing a listing for any woman’s only groups. So I checked. There is ONE woman only group in the STATE. I live in TX. It’s a big state!In contrast… we spent the summer 1500 miles away in my home town. The closest SAA meeting was over an hour away. that meeting was in a city with a population of about 150,000 and that entire city only had ONE meeting to choose from.
In mst areas It seems due to the numbers of members v gender that the only way to have all meetings be single gender is to not offer woman help.
I can hardly even address this as I would be completely insane now if I had ever allowed myself to buy into all this 12 step nonsense. I don’t mean to be disrespectful but REALLY? Putting male and female sexual compulsives together? Can it get any worse for the partners? Women and men who have been sexually molested belong in support groups for victims of abuse NOT in with a bunch of sexual predators. Thats my thought anyway. I will concede that it is NOT my area of expertise.
Female Sex Addicts can be just as predatory and evil as their male counterparts. Some of Larry’s groups included women and I was appalled when I found out.
For most female SA’s the thrill is in the conquest, so the challenge of seducing the most ‘unavailable’ man (married, committed to recovery, etc.) makes her feel more desirable.
So let’s not feel too sorry for these women as they are not your friends.
I attended a large international annual SA meeting with Larry years ago and a female SA spoke to a large room full of people during dinner.
I lost my appetite as she stood there and described how proud she was of herself for not acting out with anonymous partners any more and not having serial affairs with her friend’s husbands and how she now masturbated without fantasy.
This was two years into Larry’s recovery and the first that I realized that these groups were ‘co-ed’. Larry did hook up with a woman from one of his groups and I’m sure that is quite common. They all are given a list of each other’s phone numbers in case they need to call someone for ‘support’.
One woman in one of Larry’s groups would come in every week and brag about her sexual exploits. She was young, attractive, married and would say things like, ‘I’ve just found my new acting out partner’.
One of these women would come to the meetings and describe going out in the middle of the night and cruising around just looking for someone to have sex with.
What kind of pictures does that put into the minds of these men at the meetings? It’s all a farce as far as I am concerned.
It’s true that most of these women have suffered childhood trauma just as male SA’s have, and suffer from the same Personality Disorders, but they also are also doing the same evil shit that our men are doing and deserve no more, or less, understanding just because they are women.
wow JoAnn, can you just see these guys at these meetings! Taking mental snapshots to use later! Who needs porn when you have a live warm 3-d body giving it to you? I have a mental picture of a bunch of guys drooling on themselves.
My husband only attended a few meetings, and there was one young lady there. He felt really sorry for her, and could understand her perspective better than the men’s. RED FLAG.
When he said he wasn’t going anymore cause those meetings were for “court ordered sicko’s” I didn’t complain because her being there scared me. And I told him he could easily be a “court ordered sicko”. He was just lucky.Wow, JoAnn, that’s shocking! Thanks for your insight… I agree, it’s absolutely a farce. That’s sickening that they often like to seduce the addicts who are committed to recovery… disgusting and repulsive.
I don’t know what I’m going to do… I feel I have no power in this, to tell him to stop going to this meeting. It was me who originally pushed him to go, but back then I had no idea there were women SA’s there too. He also takes another addict with him who doesn’t have his own car, so he always picks him up on the way, I think he’ll use that as a reason why he must keep going.
Victoria,
Are there any other meetings within an hour or so f your house? Maybe you can find a men only group through SA or SAA. (like I said earlier.. how populated of an area you live in matters).As for the other guy needing a ride… I’d simply ask him, “So this guys transportation problems are a more important than your marriage problems?”
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