Working it out?

And, to that diatribe, I should add that I don’t know if I can continue to do it. It is simply taking into consideration all the facts and evaluating them to the best of my ability. I could absolutely be wrong.

Well…I get that part. I don’t know if I can do it and sometimes I worry that I would want to even consider doing it? Makes me worry about myself. 😉 LOL

Wren- I’m going to be 50 in December and h is 51.. He has been addicted to porn and eyefucking woman since before we married over 29 years ago.. He just forgot to tell me. He of course is behaving at the moment.. Working hard and begging me to stay that he loves me blah blah blah. Well good for him that after 29 years of not respecting me and screwing around now he is in love. Don’t I get to decide anything in this marriage??? Why is it that we look at the SA to change and decide whether we stay based on them.. Why not based on is and our needs. Seems to me my h made his choice and apparently choices for me and our 6 kids without asking what we wanted. I would of chosen monogamy if asked. So now that “I” have a choice I’m not going to compromise my life for my SAH.. Yeah for him that he wants to behave .. He is about 29 years too late for me to care.. But I totally get the confusion. I think of my kids who want us to work it out of course. 29 years is a long time to be with someone and starting over is scary.. The grass may not be greener on the other side.. But I doubt it could be any browner either..
Did I make sense or should I take a shot and try this again lol

Caligirl preach it sister preach it!

Victoria–excellent additions. Perhaps this is one of those lists we need to gather up and put somewhere we can reach for it in a search.

Sorry Diane, I was on a tirade and I probably should have deleted the whole post. I was not talking to just you. JoAnn has my permission to delete 🙂

I am getting on with it, but I still whine on and off because it still hurts. Doesn’t define me, doesn’t run my life. It’s just nice to say how I feel to people who get it. I would hate to think because I’ve finally successfully divorced the SA I’m expected to suddenly have everything all worked out and never doubt or hurt from it again. I’m not good at pretending everything is okay when it isn’t. I’ll sure tell you when things are good, and also when they’re bad.

New sisters seeing that you can whine and hurt and STILL be moving forward is instructive. You don’t have to wait until you don’t feel the pain to move forward. And moving forward will improve the situation but it is no promise of freedom from the pain. Wherever you are moving, no sister here chose this filth. Moving through and away from it is not a straight shot and nobody got directions to the exit ramp.

Letting go of their filth does NOT remove the trauma we experienced. It is a start, but surely not the end of the clean-up process.

Bev, I hear you! Every time I get crap from doc e and it knocks me off my feet for a couple hours or a couple of days I wish to God I could just let it go and move on! But it gets in my head, and my heart starts pounding, and I can’t breath or think, and I have to actively work through it until I can let it go. But damn it, I am going to get there.

I hear you too Bev, loud and clear. We say all the time here to focus on our own healing and not on the SA but the truth is (and this is MY truth), if I am dwelling on all the wrongs my H did to me, all the trauma I suffered then I am not focused on healing OR on myself. Wallowing in the trauma keeps the focus squarely on the SA and his misdeeds. When my focus is on myself, my children, my puppies ( 🙂 ), or something outside myself, even if it is just being here and communicating with all of you, then I feel much more at ease and at peace. When I sit and think about how my life didn’t turn out how I wanted it to, I feel sad and miserable. So as much as I can, I choose to focus on the present and the future, not the past. I CHOOSE not to wallow. That doesn’t mean that the pain and hurt doesn’t catch up with me sometimes, but it is not the primary focus of my life.

Teri, you are not going to get there – you ARE getting there. You are incredibly brave and even when you get knocked down, you get right back up. You are not wallowing, you are surviving. There is a huge difference.

Lynn, sorry, I did not read ypour post until now. Of course we are all allowed to whine. Good days do not mean the trauma did not happen. I am not advocating that we all ignore this. I am simply saying that we are grown women and we have been dealt a really ultra shitty hand. Do the very best you can with it. Do not wallow in it. Do not let it define you or your life.

We have sisters on this site that refuse to move on. It’s not about posting some shitty thing the SA has done. It’s not about posting that you are struggling in whatever way. It IS about never letting the damn thing go and accepting that, yes, this happened to you.

You can quote and site and read and research all you want and guess what? IT DOES NOT CAHNGE ANYTHING.

This is my way of telling all the sisters that I love and care about that they MUST find a way out of the whining, poor me hell. I truly understand the pain. I wish that I did not. But whining incessantly about it will get you no where fast.

Girls, search long and hard but find a way out of the swamp.

Okay, well, maybe I’m NOT wallowing (you guys are great) but I still do not want to give him one more damn minute than I have to, and I get frustrated with myself for letting him get to me!

And I will agree Daisy that Lynne, you are not wallowing at all. You have been working your ass off to move forward and dealing with some real hardships along the way.

We all know the real wallow-er is Bev, and she is just projecting it onto us so we stop calling her out on her purse addiction. 🙂

It’s not, agreed. You deserve two purses, and the shoes, too.

We all do.

OMG ..Teri, I have NO words to make up for what you have been thru and what you are going thru….

I do know that you deserve a cocktail on a friday night and you most probably need a purse and shoes 🙂

Perhaps if you could drink he WOULD be dead by now, Teri? 😉 That would be good so maybe you could twig the law just a bit? God knows he does. Asshole.