- This topic has 106 replies, 21 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hmmm…hadn’t thought about that, Karen. I think a year ago we were saying if I’d shot him on dday, I’d be out already. 🙂
I guess the good news is that I can’t drink bc I have Bat with me all the time. So I really can’t complain. 🙂
Uh oh Teri. I had a double whiskey and lemonade tonight. One for you and one for me. With all that mixing, you can expect quite the hangover tomorrow. 😉
Okay so based on what I’m reading:
1. Drink
2. Buy purses
3. Don’t wallow in my shit
4. Accept my xh is ‘not normal’
5. Am I missing anything?That’s basically it, NAP.
Crappy night with lots of nightmares- I do feel like I am hungover. Without the nice relaxation of a drink. Dang. Well, thanks for trying guys!
Teri,
I have had bad nightmares the last 2 nights. I thought it might be the full moon….IDK though it’s likely my subconconsious trying to do something or maybe I need a new purse?Karen, it’s the lazy girl’s whiskey sour. Or a Lynchburg Lemonade. I had nightmares too Teri and Nap. Hmmmmm…wonder what’s up with that?
Great list, Diane. I would just add physical health as a factor as well. Which I think sometimes can be a cause and effect thing after discovery. Like our defenses or immune system or something gets affected.
I have my odd whining times, but a strange result of all this is that I feel like I appreciate things more. Little things. Not sure what that’s about, but I’ll take it. xoxo
p.s. About nightmares, I’ve started having a sort of recurring dream where I have on a sweater that’s too tight, and I’m panicking because I can’t get it off, and it feels like it’s going to suffocate me. I had it again a couple of nights ago, but this time my deceased mom took it off me with no problem. Be interesting to see if I don’t have that dream again, thanks to Mama. 🙂 xoxo
Great thread but had to skip many posts as I was getting too triggered. I agree and can relate to everything I read. Here is what I want to add for women who want to stay to try to work it out: (this advice should ideally come from therapists) Be warned – Staying could inflict greater harm that you have now. Unimaginable harm on every facet of your life. Want to stay? Then you and Saw should put xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx LEGALLY firmly in place first. siestas can fill in the blanks.
Why? Because when the game is over and there is no one else to fool, blame…..there is no where to hide and the truth is OUT. YOU will likely receive full on destruction from a person inside the person you thought you knew.
The time has come where we know enough that it would be irresponsible for a professional to encourage staying with these dire warnings and firm protections put in place.
We could write books! Some will.
Example: How do I support myself while unable to work due to never diagnosed or legally considered in the context of separation or divorce……….PTSD?
How does one create a new life when older, SA ruined your finances and you can’t remember how to tie your shoes?????? In a recession with ageism??????
How many sisters are in this boat????????
Pissed? You have no idea!!!!!!!!!
Great post, Desiree. ‘Can’t remember how to tie your shoes..’ I hear ya. I still talk to myself out loud all the time, walking myself through basic tasks. The neighbors must think I have an imaginary friend living here with me. xoxo
I am in the mood to decapitate a Saga. Anyone….any to spare?
OK, so I am not violent….but I am pissed a hell. I can have a fantasy, right? Line them up 🙂 Or, at least convict them in a dam court of law!
How many realms/facets of,our lives,did,the descent devastate? And it is not illegal? And, we are routinely blamed for having a part? Does this sound like what used to happen with rape?
Wren, hope you aren’t too sorry you asked the question. The truth, the whole truth just has to come out. It needs to come out before committing to recovery alongside SA. We need to hear something besides “relapses are normal”. As if we are supposed to take that in stride while our endless support continues at our peril.
My therapist ( who I adore) had some great advice for me today. I explained to her that 29 years is a long time to be with someone …. I can’t believe what’s happening to me. I love my family and loved my life ( which I now know was fantasy.. Well only the part that included h). If I know I will NEVER forgive h or forget what he has done then how could I ever make it work? I then asked how other woman in my situation forgive and work it out.. She said that they learn to accept ( different from forgetting). I fired back with ” accept !!!! No way that’s not me”. She agreed and said no that’s not you because you have too much dignity to accept 29 years of lies.. Then she asked me a question … Was I still in love with the fantasy H or the real H that I see now??? I had a whoa moment!!! I love the fantasy H that doesn’t exist!!! I don’t like the real H.. Well there are still a few parts of Mr Pretend that exist in Real Dude that I like .. But not much!!! So ladies when you think of staying and you feel that tug a war is it because you still have feelings for Mr fake ass H or are your feelings for the New ( most likely not improved) H?
Well, IMHO, dignity’s got nothing to do with it. But assuming for a second that it does, in my case, desire for revenge trumps “dignity”. That said, I’ll be mighty damned dignified spending every last one of his dollars when all is said and done.
Good question, Caligirl. And a tough one too. I think my feelings for him have become mainly sort of maternal ones, which is just weird. I feel sorry for him more than anything. It’s like he still feels like family, but not my man. I think that’s why it’s been so hard for me to just do a complete break. I still have my moments of being angry as shit at him too, but in general, it’s more pity along with a bit of apathy. The angry moments feel like they’re more ego-based on my side, than actually emotional. I just don’t know what I feel for him anymore. I still don’t really know who he was or is. xoxo
I’m with Annie. My H feels like family but not like my husband. When he’s here on the weekends, I sometimes get irritated with his presence, just like a visiting relative who has overstayed their welcome. 🙂 I still care about him as in I care about his health and wellbeing but I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. I don’t care what he does or with whom as long as it doesn’t affect the family finances. One of the hardest parts is all the little things that irritated me over all these years that I overlooked or ignored because I loved him so much now just irritate the crap out of me without that “love buffer”. 😉
Daisy and Annie I wonder if it’s normal to feel maternal because I feel like that too. Infact my husband has been told in therapy that I’m like a mother and that mothering him is NOT my job. I wonder if it’s because most of them (SA) are very immature? I’m not in love with my H either but still care about him..like a family member …in between wanting to kick his ass..
Cali, yeah, I think a lot of it must have to do with their emotional immaturity. And they know how to get at our weak points to elicit sympathy. Maybe not even consciously, dunno. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of ‘manning up’ with mine. I get these emails saying how depressed and lost he is. And while I do feel bad for him, it’s not exactly conducive to any potential getting back to a couple relationship.
And Daisy, I hear ya on the ‘little things.’ So many years I picked up after him and never really thought twice about it. A while back he came over and left cracker crumbs on the table, and it suddenly seemed like a rather big thing to me. I guess being taken for granted wasn’t a big deal when I was in the dark about his skank-porking. xoxoAuntie Annie, you made me laugh with “skank-porking”. Ha ha ha. I’ve been thinking about this one, Cali. I don’t know that I feel particularly maternal towards my H, I just know I don’t feel spousal either! If it is maternal, it’s in a bastard step child sort of way that is not at all the same as the love I feel for my actual children. 😀
I know I am new to the group….as of today….and I am fairly new to this hell on earth process. I only found out in the Spring this year. So I am 6 months into it. Only 4 months into the really bad shit.
I am 45 and he is 44. Been married over 21 years, and two kids who are now 20 and 18.
Our marriage was quite good, according to my opinion….however, did not know the total lie it really was. They say the higher mountain, the greater the fall….and that is how I feel. I was so happy with our relationship….and felt so blessed….that this has been extremely shocking and devastating.
Right now, I am not making any plans to leave or stay. My therapist told me not to make any major decisions for a whole year, and see how I am doing and see how he is doing. Its tough. Starting over is frightening and I don’t work….haven’t for years, so I am totally financially dependent on him. Pathetic I know.
The sad truth is I still love him. But I hate him at the same time. It is so confusing and so frustrating.
Sometimes I HATE text him all day long….and somedays I ignore him, somedays I am just neutral.
This is such a hard process, and everyone is in a different situation. I always told myself that I would NEVER stay with a man who cheated on me….and here mine has done it over 40 times, that I know of, with hookers and various girls….which makes me so ill.
I guess it is a personal choice and you have to decide what you can ACCEPT and what you just cant. I know I am not there yet.SD, i know it is so hard honey. i remember what it was like at 6 months. i’m now a year and 8 months post d day. i feel your pain and confusion, sister.
it will get better. for now, just take really really good care of yourself. the rest will get clearer. take steps each day to look after yourself more and more.. put yourself first.
love, lisa
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.