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Maybe we have different definitions of “insane.” I know 12 step programs use the term “insane” and my h also uses this term to describe himself when he thinks about what he did. “Insane”, “broken” , “sick” ….maybe it’s all the same thing but I’d need to believe repair was possible and see evidence of that. Sorried away will not work and “pretending” is rarely a good idea when it comes to dealing with life. For myself, to go back in, I’d have to feel good about the person I was with-not in a polyanna, head-under-the-covers, kind of way, but in a real way. If I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t go there. And that is why I am still stuck- because I can’t feel good enough about him now to go back in. And I may never feel good enough about him to go back in. And I am prepared for never going back in, as hard as it may have seemed, it seems a lot easier now. BUT, if I were to ever go back in, I want to go back in feeling good about him and about the decision. That’s a high bar, and maybe not reachable, but it’s the bar I’ve set for myself. All the while knowing, that there are no guarantees other than I can survive whatever happens. If I go back in, if I don’t…I need to do that without apologies to anyone, most especially to myself. That is not saying I think he will be all fixed, all better, no FOO issues or anything else…just that there is enough quality of life with him, enough feeling of safety, enough connection and caring, to make it possible for me to feel good about going back in. Like I said, I’m not there, that’s just my bar and it may never be met, and I’m prepared for that.
March, I too cared that SA RAT loved my kids. He did, with all his heart, and they knew it. I loved that for so many years.
It was only at the end that it really sunk in how sick he was, how therapy served to give him confidentiality and hide from me his true nature and behaviors. This went on for well over a decade. Not once was a true accounting of his behaviors suggested that I be given. What he told the therapist weekly I could not have imagined. Not that we know he told her everything.
So, at the end of the day my kids were exposed to a liar, a two faced person that no one should ever have has a friend, let alone as a lover husband or parental figure. I have explained to two out 3 of my adult sons how our family got to the point of me finally realizing what their “loving” step dad was all about.
I did tell them why I stayed…..how I thought he was getting help. My youngest son said he respects me and that I “did all the right things”. Said he was never hurt by SA RAT in anyway. Middle son said, “his experience with Rick was good”.
Aren’t these SAs similar to sexual offenders? ……in terms of what they did to us. I am sickened by the whole situation.
March, is it finances? And, your hope that your youngest daughter’s father can hopefully be a healthier person? Guess I am asking what you have already shared. I understand how strong the mothering drive is. Don’t we all?
You? What about you? When you can, tell us about your heart.Please keep sharing as it helps me and I bet all of us. Your situation helps to remind us how much of a bind woman are often in. Diane’s thread about “what factors affect PTSD” could be renamed here – “what factors affect staying”.
Life isn’t fair.
March, ‘The devil rides on the backs of the certain.’ Truer words were never spoken. And if that is an original quote from you, you should copyright it. You’ve had an incredibly difficult life, pretty much from day one. I think by now you’ve earned the right to do whatever feels easiest now. And if that means staying with him, then so be it. xoxo
Nap,
The Spousal Equity Act was enacted into law in the early 1990s. It is specifically for spouses of federal employees because spouses (and children) who divorced the federal employee were left without health insurance (not sure how it applied to pension rights).
The Act, as law, allows the spouse, under very specific circumstances, to be able to purchase one of the many excellent federal group health insurance plans. While we don’t have an employee contribution it is affordable. And, since,their is no gap in coverage all the pre-existing issues don’t apply.
Because that law was applied in a retirement situation, I get what SA RAT gets – access to those affordable plans for the rest of my life, including after Medicare kicks in at age 65. Only his is next to free.
If I marry before 55, I lose it. I am 54 3/4. And, I currently hate the idea of marriage. Am still reclaiming myself.
Government employees often enjoy “model” employees rights and benefits that the rest of the labor force is fighting for. This law is an example of that.
OK, that’s my understanding. Anyone else know differently or more?
Ok thank you Desiree I understand now. It applies to gov employees not the general public, if I’m understanding it right.
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