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Okay, I have a question. My SAH has a huge addiction with masterbating and he has it bad. He would much rather masterbate that have sex or a blow job. I can always tell when he has been at it again because he literaly rubs himself raw. It embarressing to even say it but all I have to do is check when he sleeping. LOL. He says he is not doing anything anymore but I still consider this acting out. What do you think? He also will not go to therapy. He says we can’t afford it so I looked up some SA meetings and printed off the times and he won’t do that either. He says he doesn’t have a problem now. That all just went away??? WTF
Yes – he is a sex addict, and he has it bad. Give him the list of meetings and tell him to get help with SAA meetings and also a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist – even if you can’t afford it). It can/will likely escalate to the “live” variety. Keep us posted and hang on to your seat for dear life.
Deb
He has a wonderful wife that he cannot connect or interact with sexually or emotionally.
He is a Sex Addict and he is in denial.
There is a problem with masturbation if you prefer it to real, live, intimate sex with a loving partner.
And, what about you?
How do you fit into this picture of him jerking off all the time while you have no intimacy?
What kind of a relationship is that?
The thing about a penis is that it won’t “just go away”. So I”m thinking he might be trying but he won’t be succeeding very long because he’s in denial that it’s out of his control.
And if you aren’t comfortable, then trust your gut.
My SAH masturbated for years complusively (with porn) in preference to relational sex, then escalated to prostitutes, online hook ups etc…the problem does not go away. He denied he had a problem for a long time & tried to “control” it himself, he’d be sober for a few months at most, but always slipped back to his old ways.
I suspect that he will deny he has a problem unless “life” starts to get messy & painful for him due to his addiction. Eg. he loses his job because he masturbates at work or gets arrested because he gets caught doing it in his car, or his wife kicks him out!
When I look back I wish I had dragged my SAH’s ass to a sex therapists office & talked it over, his behaviour was very damaging to me over the long term, I felt unloveable/isolated/lonely/powerless. Maybe he would have gotten it, maybe not, maybe the shit really had to hit the fan for any change to happen. Some SA’s never get it.
Being with an active SA will grind you down, I would not recommend it for anyone.
Something inside you is telling you this is not right – trust yourself, don’t rely on your H’s version of reality.
Tanya
JoAnn pretty much said it all. I don’t say he is a sex addict. He might just be nuts BUT you are not nuts and on some level you know this is NOT normal or you wouldn’t be here, dear girl. Trust your gut, don’t believe ANYTHING he says and never think of masturbating as a lesser crime. The masturbaters are the sickest ones of all and they probably do the most damage to their partners. That is because they PREFER sex with themselves and their fantasies. It is the most difficult kind of activity to stop and it means your husband is even more removed from the real world than the guy banging the craigslist girl. I am sorry but you asked and there is no way to sugar coat this stuff. Keep posting and asking. It will help counter his BS. Karen xx
Sounds like he’s a compulsive masturbater. You are screwed until he wants to go and get help. If he’s witholding sex from you bc of this like mine did by viewing porn run, run, run!! It’s not going to get any better. The reasons your sa gives you for not going for help and denies his problem is the same crap my sa said to me a couple times til he got his ass thrown out of the house. If he’s taken a purity pledge to abstain from mb (which you’re saying he hasn’t) and he is only seek you out to “release” when he feels a need then no, he’s def not sober. My sa who is living with his parents currently really got a lot from the book Every Man’s Battle. It talks of purity pledges meaning NO mb whatsoever. While excessive mb is not my sa issue (viewing porn and buying mags/books is his issue) he says the book talks of how God has a way of dealing with those necessary “releases” men require called nocturnal emissions or something to that effect which happens when they’re sleeping. My sa started testosterone shots a few weeks before his last acting out bc his number was very low. Being caught at the adult bookstore got him kicked out on Sat. Anyhow, he noticed no changes with the first shot. He got his 2nd shot Mon and he said he is really noticing the effects of the shot now (poor baby….not!). Waking up with morning urges of a magnitude that he hasn’t had in years has him wishing I was there to release to. Good luck with getting him to see the need to address this. Praying for you as it’s hard to sit back and be ignored by our sa’s!
Yes. It is acting out. Most SA’s first step towards sobriety is a 90 day abstinance period including masturbation.
Compulsive masturbation is a form of sex addiction and pretty damn commone.
Most information you find about SA’s sobriety says it is defined by your sexuality being solely with your wife including sex with self.
I have read that masturbation is actually the single most selfish sexual experience. In a normal person… selfish sex with self is normal. NOT in a SA. Just like an occassional drink s no big deal for most but a serious issue for an alcoholic.
Google “masturbation addiction” and “sex addictionand masturbation.”
I’ve a SA mastrating invites further acting out. They need fantasies… and eventuallly fuel for the fanatasies porn) and so on and so on goes the escaltion.
Men are visual. I also read somewhere that a wife being ok with masturbation but not pornography is a ridiculous expectation.
Lastly, anybody who particpates in an activity that is physically damaging to theirself has a PROBLEM.
Thank you for the replies. It really just backs up the way I see things too. It is selfish, so selfish!! For years and years I have been totally deprived of sexual intimacy and the feeling of being loved, desired and wanted. I have been rejected more than we have probley had sex!! Physically pushed away and told flat no. And the sad thing is that I actually put up with it.
That is sad, but join the club, girl. We ALL put up with too much. The good thing about this group is there is bound to be someone who has a variation of your problem, but is further along in the experience? Though no one can say that any one husband will do exactly as another’s, there is an eery similarity to the excuses and bullshit these men feed to their partners.It is as if they all learned the same script from the same book of insanity. When you read what one partner’s H is saying and then you hear your own H saying the same thing…your radar will go up. That will benefit you because their objective is to snow you under and our objective is to loan you the snowblower. Perhaps u have to be Canadian to get that. 😉
oneofthesisters,
Being deprived sexually because a husband prefers sex with himself has it’s own unique psychological damage. Sometimes I think I’d have preferred that my H was physically acting out with other woman. Then it would at least mean that I was passed up for other real woman with warm bodies instead of woman in photos, fantasies and his hand.And I am sure those whose husbands have done that see it another way.
Ulimately we are all hurt equally. And it’s a lot.
Dear oneofthesisters. Sorry that you are dealing with this! Tanyas depiction of how it escalates seems to follow what has happened to many of us here. My husband chose masterbation over me and moved from porn, to cyber, to phone sex and most recently sexual hookups with strangers. Even if it doesnt escalate you hare being deprived, and many of us know the pain of that. Hang in there. Get help for yourself and dont feel badly about setting boundaries with him. He is in gross denial….
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