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Dear Sisters, (especially those wondering about waiting to long..)
I was cleaning out old emails and found a folder called “garbage” that I had forgotten about. It was a folder I created of exchanges after my second D-day, so that I wouldnt forget. And yet, somehow I did. I ended up sticking around for another 8 years–almost to the day of this email.
Instead of getting help, he went further and further into his bullshit.
I thought to maybe share an exchange with you–hoping it might help some of you. I really laid it out there to him. And his response seemed so sincere. If it will be helpful, I thought maybe some of you will see some reflection of your own situation, and perhaps save yourself 8 years or more of pain….This email was sent after I had left all of my family and friends in California to move to Texas with him. After months of him being passive aggressive and picking fights, I began to ask him if he was “acting out” again. He was defensive and actually accused me of having issues and being overly suspicious. He literally told me that maybe I needed therapy since I was imagining things and couldnt get over the past. Then of course I caught him…If only I had been strong enough to walk away at this point. Reading it now, it seems I was so clear, and yet I got sucked in for 2 more rounds and a ton of abuse. I hope this can save someone else from additional heartbreak. So here goes:
Original Message
From: Bonnie Baptist [mailto:bonniebaptist@hotmail.com]
Sent: Monday, April 05, 2004 2:25 PM
To: robert@XXXXXXX
Subject: how I feelFirst, I really love you…I am afraid. I have put my trust in and have built a life with a person who has never been open and honest with me.
I feel that you dont even know what we could have had or what I have to offer as a partner. You never experienced me because you never trusted me or opened up to me. I was alone in our relationship–you have been somewhere else with other people. I feel like you think more of, are more excited by and appreciate EVERY other woman in the world more than me. (this is so unspeakably painful I do mean ANY and EVERY woman)
It doesnt matter if they are young or old, pretty or ugly, fat or skinny, nice or cruel–they all are more valuable to you than I am. You have given them my husband, my sexlife, my attention, my seduction, my pleasure and my trust…. You have welcomed them to take whatever is mine. And you watched what it did to me, and that did not matter to you –not enough for you to stop, nor enough for you to tell me what was going on and empower me to make decisions for my own life and well-being.
I feel and fear that you do not love me, that in fact that you dont even know me. All you know is the reactive creation of your lies and betrayal. The ugly face that you painted of me rather than being/getting real with yourself and me.
If you think anything good of me and our relationship at all, I can tell you that what you actually had access to was thousands of times more wonderful than that!
I have been a friend to you–I think a much better friend than you have been to yourself. I think you deserve happiness and a good life. I dont know with any real certainty what I am going to do, and I dont want to make any rash decisions. I want to be with you, but I also deserve happiness and friendship and honesty–I dont know if you will give me those things. I know you can, but I dont know that you WILL.
Whether with or without me, you need to and deserve to get REAL!! For your own happiness and well being you need to step up to the joyful responsiblity of living your life as a person with integrity and honor. You are capable of it and you should mandate of yourself that you stop being a coward.
The last time this happened I was in better shape to be compassionate and there for you. This time my wounds are different and deeper. They come from extending myself the last time, form being willing to work with you and from you rejecting that and chosing to lie instead. I want to be kind to you and to do the right thing. I need to also take care of myself–I know that you have not had my interests in mind, and have not protected them in any way. I dont have (today) a partner who will safeguard me in my pain and vulnerability. Im not sure how this is going to effect us this time around.
This time you have known so much of the damage and pain, have knowingly continued it and have turned down so may chances to be honest and open–if not for yourself than for me.
I dont know what you will think of what I wrote, Im not sure whay I am writing this except that maybe its a little cathartic, but it just feels like words words words— blaahhhh I want my poo.
I feel so lonely.So I guess his reply etc was enough of a crumb to satisfy me. I just want you to see how sincere he seems. And to know that he went on to continue and escalate his behavior. Eventually he became blatantly cruel. But this was his response then (god he was so full of shit!):
I am so sorry. That is a gut wrenching email that you just sent.
I agree that I have sabotaged our relationship and that neither you nor I know how good it could have been at this point if it wasn’t for that sabotage. That is something that I deeply regret and makes me want to build a better future. It’s really yucko to think about this because we don’t have a lot of time on the earth and it sucks that I am wasting not only mine but yours when I create these problems.
I understand that you want to stay with me but do not know if I am capable of handling it (note I said I, not you… I hear that it is up to me). I too am scared both for myself and for our relationship.
I understand that you feel that I have chosen countless anonymous women over you. I understand how my actions can lead you to feel that. I feel like what I did was sick because I ultimately didn’t want to do it but was selfish enough to obtain instant gratification to sacrifice this greater good. That is sick and a sickness. I ultimately choose you and know in my heart that a joyful monogamous relationship would make me the happiest yet still I have sabotaged myself and our relationship.
I kind of understand how you can say that I don’t know you because my actions haven’t brought out the “best Bonnie”. Suffice to say that I do love you even though I haven’t brought that person out that you would like to be nor have I protected your feelings.
I understand that you don’t know what you’re going to do. I hope that you stick with me. I know that’s probably selfish too but I have hope for a better (great) life and would like the opportunity to truly heal myself and our relationship.
I’m sorry poo, I feel crappy but I’m sure it pales in comparison to you who
have been betrayed.Im only going to add one more exchange. I really hope it will help someone to see how it looked, and to know how it all turned out, so maybe you can avoid some of it.
Original Message
From: Bonnie Baptist [mailto:bonniebaptist@hotmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 07, 2004 10:16 AM
To: robert@xxxxxxx
Subject: Hi poo and stuffDear Poo.
I love you….
I have been thinking–(time alone on the drive in). I am a little worried
and sometimes its easier for me to write as I dont get so emotional.
When I think about it I am really concerned. The last time when I found allthis stuff out it was really dramatic and we went to counselling and yet
still it continued. Now, over time you have become more sneaky, a better
liar, and while I actually feel much more devastated, there is alot less
drama–less in-your-face reprecussions. Which makes me wonder why/if you
will really stop. If you will put any rigorous effort into getting well.
Things are so much more complicated now having moved and especially with
Richie being here. If he wasnt here I think I would probably quit my job andjust leave for 30 days or so to really let you be alone with this and make a
real decision about what you want in your life and how important this
marriage is or isnt to you. I am afraid that I am somehow enabling and
setting our marriage up for failure. Ho hum, there will be a little bump andsome tears but then eventually things will get back to “normal”—your
normal is not what I want!!!! The stakes are higher now because there is
less room for halfway trial solutions….In California I could go somewhere,keep my job and we could see. Here its all or nothing.
I want to ask you for reassurance, but more important than that I want
honesty…which I know may not be reassuring at all. Tell me please, what isdifferent now?
I love you and the life I thought we had with the exception of some problems(ALL of which are directly related to this deception). I want to be with
you. I am very afraid that you will push this to a point of no return. I
dont have enough wisdom to know the correct balance between compassion and
rigor on this. I am only human and I have limitations to the amount of painI can endure and still maintain my center and well being. I dont even know
if this truly matters to you , and I wonder if you know, since we do have
pretty much an illusion of normalcy.
I dont want drama and trauma and crap, but Im not sure I am getting through
to you at the core.
Is there any thing that could motivate you to change and to help yourself?
Do you honestly feel you have that motivation now? Is there a fire under
your ass about this?
I want to be able to be myself which is nice, kind, generous and loving–doesthat kindness in any way tell you that I will accept this? Because I really
cant.
I can withstand going through trials and tribulations with you, but I cant
be alone–you have to have some skin in the game. Please look inside
yourself with honest introspection and let me know if you you are really up
to tackling this.
Im dont know if anything have said or am saying is of any value. I am
reaching out, but is there someone on the other end who wants this too? I
wish I had a crystal ball…
I loveth.
meThis was his reply. Ugh:
I hear what you are saying and have been concerned about the same things. I
feel like because of the way that things are right now that somehow there is
a danger of me getting “off the hook” for this right now and that I need to
be doubly diligent mentally. Frankly it scares me because I have asked
myself the same question: what is different this time? Didn’t I have an
incredible impact on your life last time and then regress? Like I said,
this scares me.I have come up with a few answers:
1) I am seeking treatment for sexual addicition which is something that I
didn’t do last time. I hope that this gives me added insight and a better
focus on doing what I need to do to make a lasting change. Last time it was
about the betrayal and about rebuilding our healthy relationship. This time
I need to focus on the problems that I have with sexual addiction and what
that means in the long term.2) I am starting off on a basis that I need to be truthful with you about
every litle thing around this. That includes masturbating which I never was
truthful to you about before or at least I never told you about before
(ommission). Like somehow before I thought that it wasn’t related or a big
deal… But now I do. I really want to be honest with you about every bump
in the road and have a more communicative intimate relationship even about
the things that are not so pretty about me.I would like to ask you: how do you think that we can make things different
this time to insure success? It may be unfair to ask you since you are the
one who was deceived and did all you can in the first place. I really have
a problem and don’t want to let it hurt us any more than it has already by
being deceptive about it.Bonnie it really truly matters to me how much pain I have put you through
and what you must be going through as a result of this. Please, I might not
be the most expressive person about my feelings but I do care about you, I
do love you, and I do not feel good about what I have done to you. It isn’t
acceptable. I don’t want to make you foolish or take advantage of your
compassionate nature. On one level again this scares me because I didn’t
want to last time either. Can a leopard change his spots? Can I become a
more truthful, honest, intimate person about my innermost characteristics
and problems? That is the challenge that I believe I face. If I didn’t
think I was up to it I think I would tell you.. But I selfishly know that if
I can do that it will lead to a better marriage and life for both of us
(together).I have no doubt that you won’t accept more deception around this subject and
I do not underestimate your strength or your ability to change. Time after
time you have demonstrated that in your life and I am well aware of your
abilities. I feel like it’s a gift that you’re still with me. I understand
that you would leave for a month if you could. I know that would have a
huge impact on me if you were able to do that. Somehow I need to consider
that impact and “live it” even though I get the luxury of you still being
here. It hits me hard when you wrote that down there and told me that’s
what you could have done. I appreciate that. Please help me to remember
the seriousness of being deceptive about my sexuality, actions, and my
character. I need help to be diligent about that. Again I do believe there
is a reward in it for us, me, and our relationship. I do not believe I have
ever been that way in my entire life. I do believe I have had some aspect
of sexual addiction almost as long as I have been sexual..There is a “fire under my ass” but I am trying to consider the balance
between that and being hard on myself. I sound like a whiner when I say
that… Waaa I’m being hard on myself… But alas I need to be diligent
and not lazy like I have been. I need to realize that being honest with you
about my problems and actions is not actually being hard on myself but being
easier on myself and us.I’m sorry if you feel like things have gotten back to normal too quickly. I
don’t want them to be “back to normal” in my mind. I really am considering
what I have done and what I need to do in the future. Like I said, I’m
scared.. But what am I scared of? That I will “re-lapse” into addiction?
When I think about it I’m not as afraid of that as long as I have the
honesty component.. Because I think it would be difficult to relapse if I
was accountable to my partner for everything that I did.. And even down to
masturbating– I want my sexual energy to be devoted to you. Masturbation
by itself isn’t a problem but it is if we don’t have a good sex life. Cyber
sex and phone sex will only lead us to have a bad sex life– ESPECIALLY
combined with the deception that goes along with it. Not to mention all the
side crap that it affects beyond that.I’m sorry for what I have done. I hope it gives you some kind of comfort
that I struggled not to masturbate for the benefit of me being able to have
an intimate relationship as far back as when I was 19-20 (and failed to
really control it by the way). It might make you feel worse that I wasn’t
able to control it but maybe better that now I have a more serious
motivation and a partner to try to be better for.I love you and I could keep going I feel like but maybe this is enough for
now. Please let’s try to keep the lines of communication open and please
know that I feel absolutely LUCKY to have you and CHARMED for you to be in
my life. What if I can overcome this problem? I know the rewards of having
a good life with you could be far beyond what I could imagine is possible.
That’s exciting and I don’t want to screw it up.I love you and am looking forward to seeing you. I ran this morning and am
going to send off the tax information. I then hope to clean the table
outside and maybe fertilize the lawn along with doing some work.
Xoxo
I love youI read ALL of your emails but I couldn’t even finish reading his last response. The portion I did read reminded me of many of those same things my h has/had said to me.
And only one thought kept circling my mind about my situation as I read those same familiar words written for you by your ex husband…………
I have my limits as to the amount of pain that I am willing to suffer and the amount I’ll let another inflict on me.
Hi For-now.
Yes, I remember when you first joined the site, and I really could relate to you, because at first with my husband it was “just porn” then “just cyber-sex”. We all deserve better. Its funny, in a way I was stronger then than I was later–until of course I mustered up the strength to get the hell out. But if Im honest I really had to be kicked pretty hard in the ass. My limits turned out to be more than I thought, and I kept moving that dreaded line.
Hopefully all the sharing we do in this site might help save someone else some more grief. I know it saved me. Big hugs to you my friend! Will never forget meeting you and Kim on the eve of my “big decision”!Bonnie,
Thanks for sharing that. I think we often hang on to every shred of hope, and if we get any validation or hear anything from them that sounds like they are “getting it”, we think things will get better. And so often it just means we get set up for more heartache.I don’t have any emails like that, but I can tell you there were plenty of times when I got triggered and dr.evil would hold my hand acting all caring and concerned. And he made me a little cut out heart that he wrote “I love you and I’ll never leave you” that I put up on the mirror in my closet- it was supposed to remind me how he was working on his recovery and healing our marriage. All the while, he was going to orgies.
Those are memories I still feel shame about- that I let myself fall for his lies even when I should have known better.
Bonnie,
I am so sad that you had put all that out there and got a completely empty response. All good intentions and absolutely no real actions or changes to back it up. They just say what we want to hear. That’s what that “understanding” does for us.
I needed that as I prepare to get on the plane to go see my husband and try to get him to sign the separation papers. I haven’t seen him since Christmas, and I have really kept communication to a minimum, necessary stuff for taxes, etc.
That sure did remind me of how it’s been, we could have written those emails. Keep my eyes open, this is going to be a snowstorm of “I understand, I’m trying, I am going to…” for sure. All those “ing” statements. For how long now? Where are the “ed” statements, the completed, closed, finalized, and walked away from things that have been DONE right? The decisions that don’t need a cover of white lies, and black ones?
The “I understand…” is a statement mine repeats ad nauseum, also. WTF do I care if he “understands”? I want him to freaking STOP the lying, not simply understand what pain it causes. If you “understand” what pain you’re causing and you just keep it up, what does that make you? What does that make me if I stay?
It’s a cruel reply, in this scenario, in my experience. Probably something they learned in their groups, “Your wife needs understanding, blah, blah, blah.” Actually, I don’t need that half as much as I need him to just get on board and live a real honest life. Anyone who murders someone understands they are dead. So what does that do for the victim?
I’m blathering, it just triggers me I guess. Understanding without a shred of change is just proof that this relationship was built on deception and will never stand without it. He’s okay with that, it was his plan. I am NOT. It’s worse than being on my own in a million ways.
Thank you for what you shared. I am sorry you gave that much time to him, but if you needed it to be sure, you did what you had to do. Now you know, sadly. Now WE know.
Argh!
Lynn, dr. evil does that, too- says he “understands” how I feel, how Bat feels, how Ashley feels, and then just keeps right on doing it.
I think it is “empathy for sex addicts” they must learn in therapy or 12 step groups.
YOu are are brave and generous woman. It’s a privilege to have been on this path with you. Thank you Bonnie.
I remember when you escaped. I remember everything.this is a good day!
love,
Diane.I was going to start a new thread/topic, piggybacking off Bonnie, but I thought I should put this here. That way, in the future, new members can see more examples of how sincere these guys sound and how desperate we are to believe them. This is some really embarrassing personal shit, and there were hundreds of epic, pathetic emails like this over the years–mostly from me to him.
Last July, six months after the divorce, I told Greg to leave. He’d agreed to do the whole re-marriage prenup thing and then balked when it came down to writing the check for the attorney. He sent me this email the next morning:
On Jul 16, 2012, at 3:33 PM, Greg Catoe wrote:
I’ve spent all last night and this morning thinking how did I screw up so badly. I’m sober, I’m recovered. Why is she still so angry? Why is this happening?
As of today I have 1,317 days of being sexually sober. I’m still not perfect emotionally, may never be, but I have come a long way in my recovery. If nothing else in my life, this I’m 100% confident in. However, the hard work that remains for me in my recovery is removing the remaining vestiges of anger. I’ve focused hard on making improvements in regard to my outward expression of this emotion, but I’ve never focused/been aware of how I allow it to linger internally. I need to communicate more openly to help lessen the internalizing I do, which provides negative outcomes. My anger blinds me to the pain your suffering.
This anger has allowed me to make a lot of mistakes in the way I’ve handled things. I was upset when you went thru with the divorce. I then had naive expectations that it would somehow magically help you begin a new life with me and that we could start over. Then there was my anger with you electing to proceed with the qdpro. Then there was the morning of you asking about my wedding ring. And then the phone records. Then the prenup. Then my opening a separate bank account. All brought on by my past actions and all issues I did not respond to well. I fully accept that. I allow misplaced anger to prevent me from seeing the pain you were suffering.
I’ve admitted to you I was wrong for not being more fully committed to SA after my first year. While you were asking me to go back to meetings I was justifying my refusal by knowing I would take another polygraph someday and the results would be positive, restore your ability to trust me again and we would be back on the road to recovery. I was also angry that you didn’t understand how unhelpful “those” meetings were. Addict thinking. Wrong outcome. My anger blinded me to the pain you were suffering.
As I stated last night, the SF trip was never about not wanting to help you. It was about financial fear and anger that you added something else to the list. If it was locally my response would have been different. If you had asked while still married my response would have been different. But burying myself into even further debt admittedly impacted my initial response. I should have been more honest about the stress I’ve been under regarding our/my finances. My anger blinded me to the pain you were suffering. However, I was still considering the trip which was the primary reason I had a scheduled an appointment with Bill last week. And I figured that until I had the remaining phone records in my hand there was no reason to start booking tickets.
As for the phone records, I was extremely frustrated/upset when received on June 1 and they didn’t contain those 6-8 weeks from last year. why was this happening? I just accepted it as God’s will , completely lost all hope and become stubborn and/or frozen in proceeding. My anger blinded me to the pain you were suffering.
If you have any remaining hope left for us/me, would it be possible for you to give me one last opportunity, this time with my eyes wide open regarding my anger and the wreckage I have caused you?
If not, I looked at apartments on Saturday afternoon and have found one nearby that is available next week. I’ll accept this as my fate.
******end of email*********The SF trip he refers to is to see Minwalla (he was confused about the location). The qdpro he mentions is the paperwork that transferred his half of the retirement account into a separate account for me. He thought I should leave it where it was–in his name, in his account…
I sent him this response:
From: Tania Rochelle [mailto:tania@portfoliocenter.edu]
Sent: Monday, July 16, 2012 4:29 PM
To: Greg Catoe
Subject: Re: Blinded by AngerAs of today, I have 1, 317 days of waiting, hoping, and praying that my life with you would change for the better. One thousand, three hundred and seventeen days, and not one of those without tears. Ah, and that is after the YEARS (how many thousands of days?) of deception and cruelty. I have stuck it out through your tirades, your endless stubborn insistence that you’re right, the blaming, the lack of kindness and compassion, the utter lack of empathy. I have spent years with your finger stuck in my face and your ugly red-eyed rage, as you called me “hypocrite,” “relentless,” “angry.” Even up until last night: “Who are you listening to? Who’s telling you these things? Why can’t you get past your anger?” Words aimed at me that have the same effect as “You need to work on your father issues,” and “My family was not like YOURS,” and “I’m tired of being punished for what your father and John did to you…” Always, you have accused me of the very things YOU are afflicted with.
You have punished me at every step–for things Janice did and what Candice did. I have been punished FOR every bad thing you ever did or thought, even as I was being punished BY them.
I knew how hard this was going to be. I knew I’d have to battle the images in my head of YOU with HER, that I’d have to struggle with being the woman at your side as we were circled by women who become younger and younger over time. I understood that this tapped into EVERY bad thing I’ve ever endured and survived. I realized that it would take YOU doing the heavy lifting for a while as I got my bearings back in a world that has pummeled me repeatedly. I don’t know why, but I TRUSTED that you would make it up to me–the things you did. That you would make it up to the family.
Instead, I’m the one who’s done the lifting, for myself, for the kids, and for you. I have pushed you (as you asked me to, in the beginning) toward healing and wholeness. I rooted for you and prayed for you. I didn’t give up on you. I kept seeing that damaged boy…
But here I am, a damaged girl. I’ve been kicked down so many times, it’s a wonder I can stand. And I’ve NEVER had someone loyal to stand by me. No one intimate has ever had my back. On the contrary, the mere fact of intimacy has pretty much guaranteed me nothing but pain. I married you BECAUSE I trusted you, because I believed you had a good heart, integrity, a strong sense of family. More than that, though, I thought you really loved ME and that I was enough for you. I’d never been enough for anyone before, and it felt good. And it was never true. Never.
You have no idea what it feels like to discover your life is a lie. To have your history, your memories, your sense of self stolen from you–and by the person you trusted and believed in. Not in my wildest dreams–not even when I COULD imagine that you might have messed up ONCE with her–did I imagine you were capable of such terrible things. The acts alone were hard enough to absorb, but the lies, the conspiracies, the ruthless ways you turned it all on me and made me to blame for all those years. And to stand by and watch as I tried everything in my power to fix what was broken, to make it work, to TAKE the blame if it would help. Just writing this now fills me up with horror until I’m overwhelmed again by what you’re capable of.
But I stayed. And I hoped. I tried and tried and tried. I willed your better self. I carried you.
You should have done all that thinking about your anger a long time ago, when it was more about me and the kids and less about what you have to lose. You should have done it before you raged at me over the holidays, before your tantrum around the reunion with your mother, before you hurt my feelings about the ring, before you opened your bank account and took me off your icloud.
If only, instead of anger and angry actions, you’d ever thought: I will give her the things she needs to feel safe, simply because I love her and I hurt her in such extraordinary ways. Whether we’re married or not, whether I’m angry or not, because she’s been shattered and needs my help to heal. Because she needs a safe, soft spot to land for a while. Because it is my fault she’s broken.
If only, at any point in the past 1, 317 days, you’d tried harder to see past your anger as I begged you to see my pain and help me. Not fix me, just help me, so I’d know you loved me.
Now it’s too late.
*****end of email*****Janice and Candice are his adopted mother and his birth mother. He truly HAS spent 14 years punishing me for what they did to him.
And then he sent this, which worked to suck me back in:
From: “Greg Catoe”
Date: July 16, 2012 5:49:27 PM EDT
To: “Tania Rochelle”
Subject: RE: Blinded by AngerBelieve in me one last time T. Maybe I am so fucked up that it took being pushed out the door to get it. But I’m getting it. Let me look outside myself. Let me prove I can be your soft spot. Let me help you. Let me restore your faith. Let me repair you. Let me have your back. Let me make you smile. Let me make you laugh. Let me make you feel important. Let me have the remaining days of this month to fight for you. Let me talk to you for 15 days and 15 nights. Let my last act of selfishness lead to our recovery. Let It Be Me.
I’ll be at my meeting tonight. Hope we can talk afterwards.
********end of email********He did none of the things he promised, so I made him leave three months later, in October. He was immediately trolling for GUYS on Craigslist and he made an appt with a $400 “massage therapist.” He joined a Yahoo strap-on group and BiCupid. He admitted these things, showed me the texts, ads, etc., and begged me to help him. All of this, right before the holidays, and–once again–I TRIED TO SAVE HIM. It took five more months of his lies, temper tantrums, abuse, before he admitted to me that he didn’t believe ANY OF THE THINGS he’d said in that letter about being sorry for his anger. He told me he had a right to be angry, that he wrote those things out of desperation.
Now, I’m finally finished with him, and it’s like I’ve walked out from under an enormous dark, vile cloud. I’m standing in the sun.
Yahoo has a strap on group?????????
Where do I sign up???
In all seriousness, that was a great letter. It mirrored many things my husband has done like the finger pointing and always thinking he’s right. Very good letter.
I’m just bawling. You ladies are pouring your heart and souls out and these manipulative assholes are just playing you, they are so desperate to keep their lives the way they are, keep up the charade of the good husband. They are just saying what they think they need to say, and it worked.
Absolutely a good lesson- thanks for giving us a look. You cannot believe a liar, ever.
Thank you, Bonnie and March, for sharing those emails. The recurrent theme is so much ‘I’ in there..even though the emails sound sincere.. and it sticks in my craw. My SA does that too. So much navel-gazing and so little focus on us. I’ll even cut them slack and say that when they write these cookie-cutter things, maybe they mean well. But the style and the focus on self..even when filled with remorse..just leaves this huge gaping hole in the heart. Do they ever really know us? There’s something so business-like about the way most of them write. And so damn similar. It’s like we’re all sharing the same cloned husband/partner who may be trying in the moment, but who simply isn’t there. xoxo
Wow…Bonnie and March thank you thank you thank you. You women are sooo amazing, these are such personal and such telling examples of what life with an SA is like. We go through our own, but our experiences aren’t all that different are they? I could post so many emails that sound so similar, my husband ALWAYS preferred to write these kinds of things over talking…interesting.
I am pretty sure this was the most impactful post I have read since I joined SOS, and really couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Thank you ladies sooo much for doing this.Thanks for sharing. it’s freaky how much they are all alike. And how smooth and caring they sound – just another form of manipulation. It makes me furious – I too couldn’t read the last response from Bonnie’s ex. It felt way too familiar. The way they twist everything and suck us right back in. It makes me feel sick. Both men talk about themselves constantly, there really wasn’t any compassion for bonnie or march in their emails. And they both focused on being the center of the trauma/drama. Neither really took any responsibility. They just twisted it to “i’m a naughty boy. you be the mommy and forgive and fuss over me”.
I am starting to think that all these guys suffer from covert incest more than anything else. One more reason to hate my milOh yeah – my original post was going to be to tell Bonnie and March how proud I am of both of you!! You sifted through all the crap, made the hard choices and came out strong, capable, super smart and beautiful.
You deserve only the best from now on.I wish I’d made the hard choices much sooner. I wish I hadn’t lost so much of my self respect before I kicked him out.
Bnnie and March, thank you for sharing these with us. It is so eye opening to read them, as they are the very words I’m hearing now, just a week before SA is supposed to move out. March I’m so glad you are staring into the sun and the heaviness has lifted. This is inspiring. Something for many of us to look up to, to you and to Bonnie, and to others who’ve gone through this road and come out stronger at the other end.
Hugs to you both.
Wow March, I am so blown away. By how amazing you are, and how similar all of this sounds.
When I read “I didn’t give up on you. I kept seeing that damaged boy…But here I am, a damaged girl. I’ve been kicked down so many times, it’s a wonder I can stand. And I’ve NEVER had someone loyal to stand by me. No one intimate has ever had my back.”
My heart broke again, but not in a bad way—in a loving way, that honors you and me and all of us who were and are compassionate partners for men who didnt/dont deserve it.
Teri, dont you dare feel shame for a single minute for anything you have done! I regret staying, but Ill be damned if any of us should feel shame about trying to help our partners and save our marriages–even if it seems stupid later.
Lynn, I hope it helps you as you face your SA.
When I first came on this site of course I thought I was different, my husband was different and our marriage was different. Im not faulting anyone for thinking that–I really get it. But maybe just maybe hearing our stories can help someone recoginize the painful similarities and run for their lives!!!
LOVE ALL YOU AMAZING LADIES!Wow. Thank you thank you for sharing. As you know I left SA, but still harbor the nostalgia that maybe hell change and we’ll fix it one day. I’ve got to tell you that this was a startling wake-up. If my SA had said even 1/10th of the stuff your exes had said, I’d probably still be with him. My gosh, how strong you are to walk away. So now its even more clear how super messed up my SA is. Hopeless is the term that comes to mind.
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