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yikes, this is all too real, and i so appreciate the posts. the gut feeling i got reading those is that same gut feeling i get from my husband’s apologies…namely, that they are almost getting some sick pleasure off the drama trauma they cause, that they ‘feed’ off the energy your pain creates for them. i have had this unsettled feeling lately with my husband since i am very intuitive and i don’t like it one bit. reading your emails and the way you would describe feeling like any other woman is more valuable than any he looks at, WOW, i so can relate. i get that feeling all the time when we are out. he literally won’t talk with me or show affection , laughter or eye contact when together at kid events (where other women are btw) but when i am not there, these women evidently chat it up because when i do show up, they are all really close to him. so i get that. i think the idea of posting other letters is a good one, they are very helpful for me and i am sure others. i am at the beginning of my journey but i am the type to want to know all the facts upfront and not continue down a stupid slide of bad events. this has been more than helpful and thank you and I AM SO SO SORRY ugh…SO SORRY you poured out your heart and got a form letter response back. it’s like there is a form letter online that says ‘if you need to sound remorseful but don’t mean it, and want to blame your condition and anything else, click here” makes me sick is what it does.
healingheart: do not discount your gut or intuition. If there is anything I have learned in this; when I have an icky feeling, even if I don’t know what to attribute it to, there’s something icky going on. But you tell yourself that you are (naturally) suspicious, hypervigilant, and reacting to the trauma you’re experiencing. Totally reasonable explanation. Except that this is an unreasonable and unnatural situation. Our brains and even our hearts can be fooled by an unrelenting manipulator, but our guts are good.
Thanks ladies for the support. And thanks Terri for the nice comment. I really need to update my photo. My body has been trauma smacked and it shows!!
And Jenny I saw the chicken message. That is hilarious!! Not exactly romantic – more like a psycho movie. You were right. Wish we could post that somewhere more prominently. Sorry for your situation but a little humor helps right?
Re: the 12-step situation, I’ve made a decision not to attend any more CODA meetings. I’ve been attending religiously for 3 months, and I’m proud of myself for being willing to examine my own psychology. It wasn’t necessarily a waste of time, particularly since I have realized that any co-dependant issues I may have have grown entirely out of being married to a sex addict. It screws you royally. I was a good person, a healthy person, and a happy person. I was not a co-dependant, and I didn’t do anything to sign up for this nonesense. Was I a little naive? Sure, perhaps. Did I trust what I was being told? Absolutely. And I got sucked into the vortex, no doubt. But I’m really tired of crazy, enough! It’s going to be confusing, and difficult, I can see that. I might make some mistakes on the way, but there is no going back now. Wish me luck! Oh, and I’m free Friday nights now, if anyone wants to get together in place of the codependants anonymous meetings I was sitting through. It’s entirely through my experience on this site, and what I’ve read from you ladies that is helping me figure it out. Thank you.
Kandice: It might seem weird to anyone not going through this, but that chicken photo is absolutely precious to me. It reminds me of the depth of dysfunction and amout of bullshit that oozes out of this man’s pores. So I may have a t-shirt made, or a flag or something. It’s my new banner and it is hysterical. I have my sense of humor intact, and it definitely helps!
Thank you so much for all of your posts. I am experiencing everything all of you are. It’s weird – like a whole crop of guys like this! It will be 28 years married for me this July 20th. I’ve been sucked back in. I have tried several times to get the strength to tell him I want a divorce – and then I get sucked back in by him saying things like: “I’m going to fight for you”, “I’m going to fight the battle”, crying and saying sweet things to me. I search for things I think mainly to get me mad enough to go through with divorce. It’s so hard when I hear these things because I was totally shocked when I first found out a little over 4 months ago. He says he is going to every man’s battle – have any of yours done that? Do you know any statistics from that? I went to my first COSA last Saturday and was surprised that I am now a co-sex addict?! I don’t take any credit or blame for any of this! What is your opinion of COSA? Will this be good to help deal with the pain and fear and anger I have? Most of the women in there are staying with their husbands. HELP! I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to do Robin but I do know that COSA is NOT for me. Seems a bunch of stepford robots trying to blame themselves for their husband’s philandering. Stay with your H all you want but do not get sucked into that crap.
I read the site of everyman’s battle and it sounds like drivel to me. Every man does not do this stuff.
Even the title of the book/program is a bullshit attempt to normalize their disgusting behavior. It is NOT every man’s battle. It is the pervert’s battle.
Bonnie, good of you to think of others and pass your story along. Our stories seem all too similar. Promise after promise. I am so sorry for your pain.
Kandice, I understand how hard it is to see other couples together and I am grieving for my grandchildren too. 44 yrs. and just getting out. Who knew? saturdayBonnie, I re-read your post and the emails – the first time I couldn’t stomach your SA’s emails. The familiarity of what is said, what is not said, the underlying narcissism, and the lack of “room” for anything but ME ME ME….
How horrid.
I am so glad you are out. So glad you posted these.
So sorry that we are all swimming in this same mix of their confusion and unreality.
All the best to you,
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