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I’m less than nice at times Cat….
I am glad your H sees that you are special. I don’t know if it is enough to save a marriage but I know he should understand that he is lucky.
Thanks for the complement. I don’t take complements well. I am practicing just saying thank you 🙂
Disenchanted, my SA could have written that almost exactly word for word. It’s not you. To put it kindly, they really are emotionally retarded, no matter how intelligent they might be. And it’s crazy-making. I just got off the phone a little while ago with Dr. Minwalla, and what he said to me might help you too. He said that one of the reasons these guys keep pointing the finger at us with ‘You’re not working on this. I’m the only one working on this,’ is that it helps them deflect away from looking not only at their own shame, but their own ‘core wounding’ as he puts it. The sucky childhood, abuse, or whatever the case might be. I’m not trying to go all psychobabbly on you, because the important thing is you and how you feel. But when Minwalla said that, it did help me feel just a little less of that ‘Am I crazy??’ feeling that you’re having right now. It really boggles the mind how much what your h is saying is so similar to mine. The tone, everything.. These guys just don’t know how to be emotionally real. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. And no, you’re not crazy. He is, unfortunately. xoxo
Disenchanted, I don’t have much else to say. He is nuts and that’s why you feel crazy. It’s right out of the SA playbook. Don’t read any more bullshit like that.
Print it out and save it for when your friends are over and you want a good laugh. Have a few drinks then read out loud, pretending to be him (poor baby having his little tantrum about how he doesn’t have his wife after he cheated on her and threw her out.) Laugh hysterically. Then make fun of his little limp dick. Laugh lots more. And have another drink.
That’s what I’d do anyway.
Disenchanted, he doesn’t have a tiny bit of empathy in his bones. Not a tiny bit. Empathy is not something you can produce or learn. Do you want to go through life with a partner who can’t feel your pain even remotely. He’s a crazy maker extraordinaire.
Disenchanted,
We get one life and it needs to be shared with people who truely love and respect us. People who have our backs and we love, respect and mutually have their back. A relationship that is a one way street is not a relationship. Some people we have to avoid in life because they are too toxic to our well being. Life is too short to waste our life’s time on people like this. We get to pick and choose who we have in our lives, thank goodness.
~NapWow. I am pretty sure I had this same conversation with my sah. You’re not crazy. It’s frustrating to think that given his letter, he might be open to really hear your response. But then the reply from him shows how little he actually realized what you were telling him. Obviously, the only people allowed to have feelings in these relationships is the sah and those feelings are only to excuse their behaviors.
Ditto everything Nap said. God, just reading the exchange makes your head spin? The old SA switcheroo as I like to call it. You are COMPLETELY wasting your time here Disenchanted. He lives in lala land and it is a very dangerous place for us to dwell.
Karen xxI’m a little late to this party but let me share with you what my sa said tonight when confronted… “I want it when I want it and I’ll do what it takes to get it. I get frustrated when I can’t have things exactly how I want them.” He was talking about having me and the kids around by the way – but it fits with his sex pursuits as well.
Amanda, It most definitely is not you. I agree with one of the earlier postings. I read it as his way of putting the blame on you for the end of the marriage and his second email seemed to me anyway, that he was moving on and just wanted to let you know. It sounds like he will tell anyone that cares to listen, that he tried to save your marriage, you did not, so he is forced to carry on – sad as he is- without you. Well Fuck that! It is right from their play book and my sah could have written it too (or most of it cuz he didn’t kick me out). What they all completely miss – across the board – is that this is NOT a marriage issue. This is about their sex addiction! That is the first and absolutely most important issue to be addressed. Marriage reconciliation (or dissolution) happens long after the addiction is delt with. They either commit to recovery and we see real change or they don’t. Our decisions HAVE to be about us and what is best and safest for our future. They can not give us what we want. They are not capable. Mine definitely does not see what the actual problem is. He is in such denial and just talks about working on the marriage. I have to keep saying that there is no marriage to work on. I now have to stay for financial reasons, but you can bet I am focused on me. I never was before – I am a slow learner. The emails he has sent you are crazy making for sure and it seems like he too has no idea that the only issue that needs working on is HIS addiction. Get that controlled and there might be a marriage to work on, but they just do not see that. That puts them at fault and they can’t have that. If you don’t have to stay in the marriage for financial reasons, then I would say run right to a really good lawyer.
OMG, an honest SA
“I want it when I want it and I’ll do what it takes to get it. I get frustrated when I can’t have things exactly how I want them.”honestly crazy, that is.
amanda, crazy is as crazy does. and your H is crazy. crazy not to want amanda. the real you.
you know the truth. in the end that is the most important thing.
hugs to you, honey.
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