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I don’t even know where to begin. There is just so much sadness. Its Christmas and I have done absolutely zero for the holiday. My youngest daughter came home from college this past weekend. She is not staying here at home with me. STBXH moved her bedroom set out of the house over Labor Day weekend while I was away. So my youngest (Tara) is staying with my oldest (Amy) at her new house here in town. I don’t go to Amy’s house because she lives with her boyfriend who I refuse to talk to. When STBXH came here over Labor Day and moved whatever he wanted out of the house, Amy’s boyfriend helped him do it, and furthermore he brought 4 of his friends to help. Talk about having no boundries….but then of course STBX is a DR and is taking care of Amy’s boyfriends family for free. I know, manipulative and very screwed up and I look like the crazy one for not speaking to Amy’s boyfriend. Fast forward 3 months, boyfriend decided to write me an apology letter only under much duress from Amy. I told Amy please don’t even insult me with a letter of all things at this point. If he were really sorry he would have apologized way back in September. OK, so Tara (youngest) has not seen me since August. She comes to the house yesterday and sees how empty it is since her father took so much stuff. She sees no Christmas decorations. She sees the pain in my eyes. She starts to cry, which makes me start to cry. I have known STBX has had a girlfriend since he filed for divorce in June. He had the girl several months before that. I called Tara’s bluff. I told her I knew about the girlfriend ( of course she is a drug rep) and that I knew exactly who she was. Tara told me I was right and that she and the other kids didn’t want to meet the girl. I don’t want STBXH back and I knew he had a GF. Its just hard since it is Christmas. The first that our family is broken up. I don’t know why it hit me so hard to know for 100% sure who she is. I cried most of the day yesterday. Then my 2nd daughter, Kelly, called me. She lives in Florida and is getting married in May. I told her what I knew. She told me she was disgusted with her dad. She also said she is upset with him because last weekend was his birthday and he went away for the weekend. Now Kelly knows the girl was with him. They went to a little bed and breakfast that STBXH used to take me to. Oh boy does that hurt. Kelly is also upset that he is taking several trips, yet he has refused to give her any money for her wedding. Add to all of this that I am moving to my own apartment on Dec 28th. STBXH doesnt know. I need to hide it from him so I can get my stuff out of here. I need to get out of this house because the mortgage is too expensive for me. I know this is long and rambling. I just wondered if any of you have experienced anything similar, or if you could give me some encouragement. I am so down right now 🙁
I am so sorry tmp. I can feel your pain because I know it so well. I have no Christmas spirit at all. My kids are plugging along but it is very difficult for them as well. I moved to my own apartment in September and although I am lonely a lot, I see my move as putting myself and my needs first. I like my little place. It’s beachy and looks nothing like my house. I need to know that I can support myself. I fought my husband for money last March in mediation. It was a nightmare. I will never do that again. If we divorce I will let my lawyer handle it. I’ll take what I get. If he screws me over, I’ll know I can support myself. He will lose our children if he screws me financially. None of this is fair. But if the best I ever have is a 2 bedroom apartment, I am ok with that. It is a place of truth and healing. And it’s mine.
My kids have talked to therapists over this and that has helped. My daughter saw one for free at college. That might be good for yours to do. They are adults now and they have to choose to get help. It’s so hard and I’m so sorry that you are struggling. Please know we are right there with you. Call one of us if you think that would help. It has helped me a lot.Oh tmp I am so sorry. The holidays are so hard. I actually felt your pain in your post. 🙁 It will get better, remember Christmas holidays are over soon. I know what he did sucks and he is an ass. If you don’t feel like doing any Christmasy stuff-don’t. Rent a series of movies, like the Bourne Identity series. Get a load of snacks you love. Ice cream, popcorn, truffles, a great bottle of wine or whatever you like- even champagne!! Take a hot bubble bath, light a roaring fire if you have a fireplace and it is cold where you are, stay in jammies and watch your movies. If you have a friend that will come over have them come. If your daughter Tara would come have her come.
Or leave and go somewhere else. You don’t have to go far, but do you have a friend you can stay with for a couple of days? Just to get away from the feeling of being pressed down?
Try to just take it easy. I know how hurt you are. I am having the same sadness, although my kids are still young so they are expecting Christmas like it always has been. It isn’t. I am trying so hard to be upbeat and gear up for my baking marathon. Tree goes up on Saturday. Army son home tomorrow. This feels so strange and I am in the verge of tears constantly. You will be alright tmp. Hang tough. Allow yourself to grieve or be pissed or whatever. It’s all ok. Just what kind of MFPOS can take his mistress to the SAME place he used to take you. OMG They are all the same. Selfish, self absorbed jerks.This probably isn’t much help, but I am thinking of you tmp.
I wish you peace, at least enough to get through the holidays. <3
Hugs
Moniquetmp271,
Hearing you loud and clear. So sorry for the nightmare you are in. The steps you are taking sound like good ones but heart wrenching just the same. Many of us have had a similar story, including me.
My adult 3 sons experienced a non Christmas trip home more than once. They came to the scene of the crime called “our former life” with a mother, they could hardly recognized because she was in so much emotional pain. They could barely believe what their step father did to me, let alone what he did in his secret life.
The three boys came forward sequentially to help me but it took a toll on all of them especially the one that helped the most because he lived closer.
This is the first holiday season I have actually enjoyed since 2008. My personal nightmare was protracted due to many preventable factors that SOS regularly addresses here. Don’t let,that happen to,you. Get treatment for your trauma for as long as it takes. Pretty please, do it for me?
Having SA RAT completely out of our lives helps. That is something I am sure my children never imagined would happen after 20 years of a “good relationship” with their step father. Little did we all know that his “goodness” was dependent on having a secret life as well. Once that was exposed his true colors were not pretty. They have been shocked and disgusted.
Your feelings are normal. Your life is horrendous right now do to sheer selfishness, sickness and a lack of empathy of the man who vowed to love you for life. I am so, so sorry.
We are here. We get it. We care. Stick around.
Merry Christmas to you for who you are – innocent and awesome,
DesireeThank you all so much. i am so glad for this site. It really helps to know I am not the only one. This is so,so so hard. Ok…I’m taking a deep breath. I hope I don’t spend the rest of my life scarred from this.
The more important thing you can do for Xmas is to take care of yourself. And please, so something to treat yourself to some joy or do something meaningful for you. Whatever that is- watching old movies or having friends over for hot cocoa and cookies (picked up from the bakery) or whatever. I don’t expect your kids to know what you want from them. If you would like an evening with them to go out for dinner or something, let them know.
I’m so sorry, tmp. I was so lucky right after dday bc we already had a trip to India planned for the holidays, so Bat and I just went (my daughter had been there studying all semester). Now that was the way to do it- it was like we were off in another world and all this crap was so far away. And Xmas did not even exist in India. I wish I could to that every year.
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