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Hi all,
I am as always trying to figure out the “right” thing to do.As with typical fashion SA and his attorney provide an agreement or something which needs to be done or dealt with on a holiday, as well as my sisters wedding, bridal shower…as usual…typical fashion x-mas no exception.
This divorce has been goin on forever. Negotiations get worse each time he asks for more money etc. and is farther and father away from the 50/50 split.Anyway they proposed yet another agreement a few days before x-mas. I put off dealing with it until now. The agreement is more in his benefit with slightly more than half to me, including him wanting my entire IRA, but takin a less distribution of debts. But still a decent chunk.
My question is my state is 50/50; no fault. In court can you try to prove fault and allocate more than half the debt to him and try to keep my IRA?
My sa was lazy, did not harly work, and to boot was viewing porn while watching our daughter….and then we had to send her to daycare. They could say his contribution was watching our daughter in some lean years, however they have always be lean (meaining he made virtually no money), however he did not do that well either (porn).
In addition he is more educated than me, could have made things work, and he chose not to. He could also have had an ira if he had a job.
I am not weatthy, by anymeans, and am not sitting on a money pile…which i just don’t want to share. This is serious and what is distruibuted to be debt wise cannot be bankrupted, and if i give him my IRA i have no money left. Not a dime to my name, and have a house to mantain and three kids to support, mortgage to pay.
Has anyone heard of courts deviating from the norm in situations liek this.
I am trying to decide is it worth the time, money and effort to go to court…or will they just say 50/50 down the middle????
Any stories or thoughts are greatly appreciated.
I am thinking of throwing a low ball reply, and saying if they don;t like it…see you in court.
Love,
FloraDear Flora,
While I certainly don’t have any legal advice, my recommendation would be to go for what is best for your kids. If he is becoming more crafty to find ways to get money, being the freeloader oaf that he is, perhaps push it to court to get the judge’s decision. any way you can get a 2nd legal opinion on low balling their offer? and pushing it to the judge?
my concern is that the longer they have to spin their wheels, the more they scheme. once a judge rules, the schememing is limited or stopped. but damn it, if it is not in your favor.
Flora a friend said something to me recently when I addressed my concerns about filing for divorce– he said
“Pam, even if H gets it ALL, and you get nothing, you still win your life back. It still needs to be done.”
Perhaps we split pennies, or dollars, or even really valuable assets, but what is it we really want? our life back.
Even if it doesn’t go your way. Push it to the finish line. Even if it comes out not as planned. but try your best for the kids’ futures and yours, to get your fair share. I hope a 2nd legal opinion can help. love you…
Hi Pam, Thank You!
I have just been thinking and thinking about this and racking my brain.To accept any of the offers they have given, really put me in a precarious situation financially, i will be strapped monthly for cash pay check to pay ckeck and will have no extra money in case an emergency happens. I have decided that i cannot knowinghly do that to myself. And any debts assumed by me through the divorce decree are not bankruptable. So in the future if its kids food versus cc payments, i legally have to pay those cards, i cannot get out of paying them. God forbid if anything ever happened and i lost my job.
And who knows what the court will think up, maybe they will have a good way to go about all this. And if they want to make me give all my ira up and take half the debt than so be it, but it was not a stupid decision i made, and i will not be left wondering…i wonder what would have happened in court…would i be in a better situatuation.
Also the h refuses to file bankruptcy, if he did all of the debt would be gone, except a very little bit (which is my student loans). He won;r file because he assumes he will get the cash out of me. and make me assume a good portion of the payments.
So there are alot of factors here. Thank you all for listening and giving your thoughts.
Love,
FloraI understand the ‘you’ll-get-your-life-back’ aspect of just getting it done (the divorce), but I don’t think that applies when 3 kids are involved. You need money. And you need time for your kids. Without money, you’ll never have time, because you’ll be working like Sysiphus. Go to court. You look like a ‘nice lady.’ Hopefully, with the stress of facing a judge, your h will look especially strung out and worthless. It could go more in your favor than you think.
I agree, go to court and push SAH to the wall. Maybe then he’ll file bankruptcy and you’ll have more financial freedom in the future. The bankruptcy is his, right, not yours?
flora is this debt in both names already? is the credit cards in both names. if not the debt is owed to your h not the card. when i tired to divorce my first h he had a credit card that had my name on it. the court told him to remove my name i had no idea my name was on it. anyway he died and never took my name off. they are coming after me even with the court order they still said i owe them. they the credit card company do not recognize court orders. so just maybe if your name is not on these you are only responsible to pay him not the card so if it were me id pay what i can. if more is ordered let him take me to court again. just have the back up as to what your bills are.
much love kattI’m sorry Flora, that it’s so hard.
I think no one expects you to just accept his offer. Tinker with it. And Send it back. That’s what your lawyer needs to take the lead on. How to tinker to improve it enough for you, and not wreck it enough for him to go to court either.
What does your lawyer advise here?
D.xoI spoke with my atty today and we made a counter offer that was reasonable, but i am still stressed about it. Because i will be on the hook for paying $20,000 in credit card debt, to the credit card. My name is not on the cc, however everyone has advised not to give him the money, as it may not go to the card rather his pocket and the debt would not get paid. My name is not on those credit cards. So in a way its nice to be able to “borrow” on someone elses dime. However it will still be in his name and credit report, not mine. that is a good key aspect. I
So i did tinker with it. And if they do not accept we will go to court, because all of the back and forth is expensive.
I hope somethin good happens here eventually. Either way i am sure i will not be happy with any outcome of this. The part tha stings is that i did everything right, i worked, had a good job, and an ira; and he sat at home. Regardelss of wether he sat at home or worked. they say the debts are still half mine, and that is what my attorney says. The lack of contribution would be a different aspect, in order to prove. I also hate the fact that he is entitled to half my ira (about $5,000) which equates to $1,000 a year we were married. And it really maddens me that someone can “get away with it” as he is. It really makes me angry that there is no justice.
So we will see what happens next.
I am just so ticked. I think i will broadcast his name and what he really is. I am so tired of these losers getting away with it all. They use everyone and get away with it.I personally knowing what i know, would never stay with an SA. There are serious flaws in their character deep down, that is so troubling.
Love,
Floraflora sorry this is going on. but i was thinking what if he files bankruptcy after the divorce will that void what you need to pay back. i know you have spoken of him doing this and he wouldnt. could he be waiting until after the divorce. i would make sure you have proof of any thing to do with this credit card, like will he also be responsible to make regular payments. since this has become your debt.
hi Katt,
The decree would say that i will make the montly payments forever till the balance is paid off on x card. The account would be closed and no charges could be made. The card would stay in his name. I had the idea that we should write in that if he files bankruptcy, i am no longer responsible for making payments on that card, that it would void the agreement. Because technically he could file bankruptcy and not oinclude that debt, which would be a real crappy thing to do, however i would not put it past him. He and his family want to make me pay. And the debt in the eyes of collections could not be traced back to me via this agreement. Or atleast that is what my atty said. That language will in the the agreement that is not my debt, but part of a seperation agreement. This specific card is only in his name, and all the ones he would pay on are only in his name as well. Thank you so much for your ideas and advice.Flora
wow flora it sucks but it sounds like you have a settlement in the works. I like the idea of dismissing your payments should he file for bankruptcy, score one for flora!! because if the looser will probably end up going bankrupt anyways……gosh who will his parents blame then?
I was going to tell you to add up the hours he baby sat and multiply by the rate day care charged you, then add up the day care cost and subtract it from that number, and then add up his income since the baby was born and subtract that from the day care bill. That is your settlement.
When I saw the first lawyer in march he told me to wait until my h files. I did not get that and forgot to ask why. When I saw the second lawyer this month, I asked why he recommended that. And he said because judges get annoyed with men who file and think they are not stepping up to the plate. He also said any judge who looks at your situation, even in our 50/50 state, is going to favor me, even not knowing our situation, because 30 years and divorce usually means the guy is a slime bag. I am thinking that in your situation the judge would look at you ~ wonder women~ and him, can’t hold a job and my mommy washes my clothes ~ and come to his own conclusion.
I agree with what joann said a while ago, why are you afraid of the judge? (sorry if I missed the answer)
cant you go after him for court costs?ps flora at some point any settlement you can live with will be better than the emotional limbo you have been going through.
Hugs
HeidiHi Heidi,
I think these go after court costs and splitting less than 50/50 is an imaginary world. I am not sure that happens in real life, and the court costs that may be so high to get it, not worth it.My attorney knows i do not have the money to drag this out in court forever. The best thing would be to settle, and court may even go with the 50/50 anyway. However i do think i will do the math and just see how much daycare costs he actually “saved” us. Thanks for that idea. I am not afraid of the judge, just afraid of how much it will cost me, because i don;t got it.
Flora
Oh my. Even assuming he “saved” us money doing daycare, the expense he saved us was about $25,000, at rates for full time care at my daugthers school. This does not take into account that i took weds off for a year and a half to care for her one day a week, while he “worked” and then when he got another job i came home arly three times a week so he could work second shift.. However he still earned $75,000 less than me over the course of our marriage (five years). Wow. Even makes me madder.
Something i will i am sure need if we go to court. Good idea. Thanks
Dear Flora,
The credit card that you are supposed to make payments on. what happens if you don’t? I mean it’s not under y our social sec number. very difficult to attach to your credit report. Any options there?
I agree with above. I mean what is judge going to say? oh poor husband. can’t get a job. let wife live in a box with her 3 kids and pay his credit cards. highly doubtful. let the moocher in front of the judge. I think you may end up happier than you think.
Also on the “getting away with it” thing. I struggle there also. But really, what does he get? He lost his wife. He lost her income and home. He lost time with his kids. He lives with, oh, his parents? please. I mean, this guy had it made. Home with child, high income wife? and he f*ckd that up? really? what did he get away with? nothing. it cost him everything Flora. Plus attorney’ fees. He’s paying. Even if you get stuck with a debt or two. He is paying. And he will never have the career or income you do. you are doing very well. keep the smarts and the legal train going…
Hi Heidi,
I agree with that too. At some point i need to know what is going on so i can prepare. The limbo thing sucks.Pam, thank to you too.
I remember a long time ago you asked about dating. I still had not yet, and have not yet now. But i feel like getting back out there again. I have that desire to try again. I just want to go out and have a good time, maybe a date here and there. But can’t move forward to enjoy any sort of dating life with this albatross around my neck. Dead weight.I know i will land on my feet. I made it through much much worse. When i got divorced the first time i had no job skills and no degree. I am self made with the student loans to prove it. I boldly did that then, and hell i can do it again. Its just will be time.
Love,
FloraHi pam,
forgot to address your first thing. The cc would remain in his name, the only thing that keeps me paying is the divorce decree which is court ordered.I think if i don; pay, its would be a legal action on his part through the court, to make me pay. I think katt told me a while ago i could not pay, every few months, and make him take me to court for contempt to get his money every month. I think they could sue me for not compling with the decree.
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