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My picture is a broken heart made of puzzle pieces. It represents how I feel my heart has been shattered, into a million pieces, and it will be like a puzzle trying to put them back together. However, I love to do puzzles so when I’m ready to put it back together, I hope that I will find strength in the challenge of that.
Feelingconflicted, I got obsessed with doing jigsaw puzzles after discovery. Hadn’t done them in years, but all of a sudden I couldn’t stop. Kept putting 1000 piece puzzles together, and giving them as gifts to people, whether they wanted them or not. 🙂 Wasn’t til the obsession wore off, that I realized that there had to be some sort of metaphor..all that methodical putting pieces into place after my sense of reality had been shattered. xoxo
Great question and thoughts. Never heard that about the porn industry. Wow. Feel like telling some of my story here.
My picture is 2 years after he had a breakdown and launched into verbally attacking me for 6 months. Picture was at my son’s wedding. Had my makeup done. Cried harder than hard during the time around that event but some how walking down the isle after the ceremony, I felt happy. The bride’s parents grabbed me to walk with me and I felt so very touched. I wasn’t alone in front of everyone.
I used to look in the mirror and wonder why I looked so strained and couldn’t smile. It would just come out wrong.
My SAXXXXX lied and emotionally tortured me for over 20 years. I began to believe that I was just old and ugly. As time passed after he was “removed” from the home and never let back in, I got very sick on so many levels, including physical. Gradually, gradually I recovered. I lost so much weight and started to get attention for looking good. Go figure.
After 2 years of feeling like I would never be in a relationship again, I began to crave, I mean CRAVE male attention and touch. A friend dressed me, I learned to wear make up daily and got on a dating website. Lost more weight from that stress. Got so many compliments from men and friends and people I volunteered/worked with. Studied health online and regular dating. Tired to follow the advise.
Gradually my smile came back. I started to have fun again. Realized that men were very interested but that I needed to screen them in every way possible. Used a therapist to help me with that and the stress.
Now people, who don’t know what happened to my life, would never know. But, I still have PTSD episodes but so far only to triggers related to SAXXXXX and work (nursing) related stress. Beginning to see a future the is severed from him and all the lies and delusions where I will thrive. Kids, real estate and finances are challenging. Can’t work in nursing anymore. Scrounging to deal with rentals in this terrible market.
Found sweet man two years ago. Innocent in so many way and honorable. So loving and present with intimacy.
My wish for my sisters here. That you can reclaim your beauty and soul so much sooner than it took me. Remember, beauty is from the inside out. SAs take and take and take and take from our soul. Bastards one and all.
Desiree
Just read the posting about putting puzzles together. I did a multiyear tile project and made lots of quilts. I was so drawn to that work because I felt so shattered that it was a way to piece myself together with beautiful result.
Make one quilt to represent me being safe in my beloved home 24 hours per day and in each season. Slept and napped under it for years and years.
Desiree
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