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Like a lot of you… for 9 years I lived in complete ignorant bliss. He was sweet, patient, considerate, generous, affectionate. (still is) He’d do anything for me. All my friends wanted to know if he has a brother. My life, my family, my marriage and my husband were as close to perfect as I imagined you could get. I am the worlds biggest cynic. And I told my husband once that meeting him was like finding out that Santa is real. Then it all shattered in a day a little over a year ago.
There is so much back story on this it would take me pages to even summarize. But for the sake of space, I will do the utra summarized version. He has been going to two SA meetings a week for over a year. He goes to one hour a week therapy with a CSAT. We go together for another hour weekly with the sane psychologist for marriage counseling. (this has also been for a year) He claims to be “sober” the entire time.
If everything wasn’t enough… One of his disclosures was that he has a thing for (not with) our neighbor, who was one of my closest friends. I never told her about any of this. But it was hard not to be upset by her very existence. I didn’t want her to come over, etc. So I just sort of kept my distance. 4 months ago she took her life. She called me 4 days prior. I never called her back. You can only imagine the guilt I carry for all this. It’s one more nail in my resentment coffin.
In the end, After all this time, I feel like I am starting to move backwards. A level of forgiveness for him that I thought I’d reached, I am doubting. I don’t trust him at all. I feel like I NEVER will. Our sex life is non-existent. I am not sexually attracted to him in the least. And I tried having sex anyway months back but I quickly decided all that was going to do was breed more resentment. So we haven’t had sex in months. Which only goes towards making me more fearful that he will return to his old ways. But I refuse to scrap my self decency and have sex with him to try to prevent him from doing so. I haven’t told him how I feel (or rather lack of feeling). It sounds too reminiscent of what he told me. Which makes me sound spiteful and I know how it made me feel. I wouldn’t want to make anyone feel that way, even him. I do still love the man. He acts like its ok. He says he understands and tells me he’ll wait till I’m ready. But since I don’t believe anything he says… that doesn’t make me feel any better.
What am I supposed to do? I can’t find any info on this. Just the addict having “sexual anorexia.” I feel like I’d be happy to never have sex again. My psychologist said, “Why would you deprive yourself of something you used to enjoy?” Uhhh… because I no longer enjoy it so it doesn’t feel like a deprivation?” Sex definitely brings up all the images and things I try to cope with. I just can’t cope with them in that environment. The few times we have had sex, I feel like he used to, completely detached.
Are you taking antidepressants? Many of those can diminish/eliminate sex drive, which means that it would require way too much effort to ‘work it up’ for someone pervy. If you have no drive, even sex with someone you’re crazy about can feel ridiculous. So just wondering. I’ve continued to have sex with my SAH for the past three years since I found out, but I had to add Wellbutrin to my regular antidepressant to even give a shit. Of course now that I’ve filed for divorce, I’m just waiting for him to get sloppy and leave evidence he’s acting out. No way he’s gonna wait and create a solid, monogamous relationship with someone new, tell her he’s a sex addict with herpes, and then commence with the lovemaking. And anything else qualifies as a relapse.
Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe you are not in love with this man any more?
No trust, no attraction, no desire=no love.
I think we have all said we still ‘love’ our husbands after we find out about their secrets and deception; but I have come to the conclusion that we do have to reconsider just exactly what that means.
Do we love who he ‘really’ is or do we love what we thought he was? Are we still holding onto that fantasy persona that they built for us? Once we see the ‘real’ person we need to step back and reevaluate.
He is what he is. He will not change. He has made bad choices and he has hurt you. Why would anyone love someone who could do that?
If there is a chance for a relationship with a Sex Addict it has to be completely rebuilt from the ground up, not with the shambles of the old relationship that never was.
He has hurt you so much how can you love him?
I also think that you, like all of us, have suffered so much trauma from the disclosures, lies and deception that we have lost ourselves.
I think it is vital that you find a very good therapist who has experience with treating PTSD and spousal abuse, someone who will help you get through all the pain, anger and hurt that you have suffered with your husband and also help you to deal with the trauma of your friend’s suicide. This is all way too much for you to bear alone.
Marriage counseling at this point is inappropriate and can only add to your distress. You cannot fix your marriage before you fix YOU.
Only then will your sensual, sexy self return.
Love and light on your journey my dear, we are all here to hold your hand and make it just a little easier.
Much love. JoAnn
Hi Kim,
Over this past year have you been able to take a break and get rest for yourself? It could be extreme sex and exhaustion. It can also be birth control. When i split with my h i never wanted to have sex again, had no desire for him or anyone. I had had it. Done. Sex did not cross my mind. But i was worked like a dead horse. I worked 40 hours a week, +, took care of three kids, paid the bills, cleaned the house…did it all…there was a reason there was no desire..i was exhasuted.I still find my soon to be ex sa attractive. He is physically appealing to me. Makes it hard to go. But there are so many qualitites which are unappealing; its the smart thing to do. But sexual attraction is completely different than intimacy. And if there is not trust and intimacy…that can also lead to lack of desire and love.
At this point…you are allowed…if you choose…to leave. You are also allowed to take a break. There are no written rules. You should not force yourself to do something that you know you do not enjoy. Heck i love sex too, however my h is the last person i would want to sleep with. And after d-day number two i never did again. I was so frantic, and exhasuted about living with him day to day, there was nothing left. It was only after i kicked him out o the house, that i was able to even live normally again.
Now after a year, i am gaining it back. However no one in sight to have sex with, not yet. But i am in no hurry. Contrarty to popular beleif you can live without sex. And having sex with someone who does not care for you or uses you, is alot wrose than having no sex at all.
Actually get these SA’s an 80 a week job, hard labor in the fields or coal mines…i can pretty much gurantee the last thing they would want to do is search for porn and have sex all day; they would be asleep and do the same thing again the next day. PArt of the reason i think the addiction is so prevelant is there is too much time in idle..in which theink about boo hoo poor me, wifey does not want to have sex…loser. Get a life. There is more to life than sex.
Anyway that is my two cents.
Love,
FloraWell, you struck a chord with me. Similar situations we have. Mine is also going to 2 meetings a week, once a month to CSAT therapist, and once a month to psychiatrist for his medications. He has a little over a year of sobriety, though sometimes I question that. He swears he has no desire to act out. He’s saying and doing all the right things.
I’m still suffering with distrust, inability to believe everything he says, and constantly waiting for the next big blow to hit me.
I think I love him. I don’t think I’m in love with him. As JoAnn says, I’m in love with the guy I thought I knew, the guy I dated and married. But I really don’t know this new guy yet. I have no sexual desire for him or anyone else. I know alot of that is related to the antidepressant and the hormone meds I’m taking. But honestly, even without those meds, I don’t think I would want to have sex with him. He too, also says he understands and that he can wait. I haven’t caught him masturbating in months, but I’m certain that he does in the shower on a regular basis. Whatever, I really don’t care.
Due to finances, I can’t leave and I don’t want to. It’s a bearable relationship and I have to say that it’s enjoyable about 85% of the time. I can say that he is my best friend and really my only friend (except you sisters), so to lose him would really make me a very lonely lady and I know I would not seek out another man, but I would seek out a good friend.
I agree with Flora that there is more to life than sex. If my sex life comes back someday, great, if not, it’s no big deal. The last time my sex life REALLY mattered to me was when I was at my peak in my 35-45 age range. I’m 53 now and very content without it.
Also, we have not started any marriage counseling and don’t know when or if we will. I think it’s fruitless for you to be seeing a therapist together. You must get your head straight before you attempt to mesh you hearts together again. I have a long way to go to figure out where I am, what I want to do, before I can ever seek out marriage counseling. Who knows . . . we might agree to be friends and live together for all we know. We are very fond of each other. He says he loves me, but I also wonder if he even knows what it feels like to really be in love. Only time will tell. Much love . . . Claire
I love everyone’s comments so much.
Kim, I am so sorry to hear about your neighbor. But, please, do not beat yourself up about having a perfectly normal reaction to some extremely HURTFUL crap your husband told you. What SANE woman would have a neighbor over that their husband is LUSTING AFTER???
She didn’t kill herself because you ignored her, either… but her woundedn affect may have attracted your h as he saw her as EASY PREY. just a thought.
I love what you said, Flora about having to work 80 hours a week! Predator was on IM ALL DAMN DAY AT WORK!!! And my own h started when he was unemployed.
I agree with you too, JoAnn… obviously, the love was lost a long time ago. I first fell in love with my husband because he was so hot for me, and it was infectious… He keeps saying that a man has to be a “bridge” and to me, it means he needs to come after her! But, I asked him tonight and it means that a man has to have an erection!
So, I said… well, then GET AN ERECTION!!!
He says that he cannot just will himself to have an erection… now, of course, I am doubly hurt… the man who was so hot after me, doesn’t find me attractive.
AND, he doesn’t want to take viagra which i have suggested.. many times, in the past…
but, the over-riding factor which I said was:
“I just want to be LOVED.”
and no… i cannot love a man who doesn’t love me and want me and desire me… but of course, now we know that a man who’s heavily into porn/masturbation is almost guaranteed to lose all ability to be a “bridge” with anyone REAL…
he “thinks” that it is because he is not attracted to her, any longer… and so he doesn’t even try… so she thinks that he doesn’t want her…
but it all got started because of some two dimensional figure on a screen…
how can I compete with that?
I’m pretty flat, but not THAT flat!!!
Oh Kim….
Boy….take away all the therapy, the books, the promises, the not wanting to let go of all the years of love and effort (on your part)…and THEN your body shuts that all out and does the ONLY sane thing it can do….it shuts down?? I believe strongly in the mind- body connection and one can sense what the other cannot. It doesn’t matter how hard he tries, it doesn’t matter how much you want your marriage to work, it doesn’t matter how many therapists and books say it isn’t YOUR fault, and it doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself that you can FIX this….how much HE says you can fix it…the reality is your mind and body have an opinion of their own and they are screaming at you “YOU ARE NOT SAFE!!”. They are, of course, right? You don’t know if your husband can be trusted, if he is telling the truth and most importantly…u are still not sure if it matters? You don’t really know for sure that you want him EVEN if he is a textbook of recovery? Because even if he is…is that going to erase the lies, the lusting, the cheating and most importantly…the putting himself first over and over again at your expense? So how could you really be aroused by this man and even if you are….you KNOW the minute you start down that road, there will be God knows who in the bloody bed with you?? How is a woman supposed to get off in these circumstances?? The simple answer…she cannot. I have a slightly different story than many of the women on here….our sex life was rich, full ,lights on, him always ending up making sure his eyes were looking right into mine and that went on for years and years. I have NO IDEA how he acted out his addiction with me or if he did? BUT I know he had 100 whores in my bed(when I travelled) over a 4 year period and I know he did with them EXACTLY what he did with me…..I still care about sex, I know my husband would be more than willing, I know he could physically please me……BUT I PREFER to NOT sleep with my rapist? I don’t need a bed with dozens of others in there with me, I don’t need a bed with girls 30 yrs my junior and half my size writhing around in it, and I don’t need a man who forgets me when I am sick and then pretends it didn’t happen…..? He is SO NICE TOO….apparently SO SORRY….. Yeah right. He isn’t as sorry as me…NOT by a long shot. Your body is talking to you….I advise listening to it. These men violate you in ways you cannot even fathom and I think when your body feels safe it will let you know. Karen xx
Thanks everyone for their responses. To answer your questions…
Yes. I am on antidepressants. And anxiety medication. I started when all this came to light. I was on Celexa. It worked great but I was afraid that was the problem. So I went off and it was a disaster. I quickly realized I still need an antidepressant. My other doctor suggested Wellbutrin not only because of it’s lack of sexual side effects but because I have a medical condition that causes fatigue and she felt it may help. It has. But the lack of libido has not gone away and it is not helping my depression as much. My H says to go back on the celexa because I am so much more miserable now.
As for taking a break. In what sense? Regardless, the answer is probably no. LOL I have kids, there is no rest! We all went away as a family for 6 weeks this summer. That was great. Just being away from these walls.
Sex definitely is not that important to me. We used to have a great sex life. But this is my second marriage. My first husband was awful in bed. I kept hoping he’d get better. 9 years together, he didn’t! But I definitely didn’t think that was a good enough reason to get divorced. Now, of course, a sex addicts view on sex is a whole other story. Sometimes I wonder if I feel like sex is so important to him that I can’t take the pressure.
As for loving him. I’ve thought long and hard about that. The phrase loving someone but not being “in love” always seemed cliché to me. But it definitely seems less so now. I worry that the love I have for him is like the love I have for my kids or my aunt. I keep hoping that it’s a start.
Claire, you hit the nail on the head in many ways. I could have written nearly all of what you said. He is absolutely my best friend. We get along great. Used to have a lot of fun.
And he is doing all the right things. And says all the right things. In ten years I have never seen him this articulate. He has an answer for everything. And it makes total sense. He makes me feel better until I start worrying that he is just manipulating me. He keeps asking if a lie detector test would help. He says his prideful side instantly hates the idea but if it would help me, he’d do it. My issue with that is that I think he truly believes his lies. He’d pass with flying colors because he doesn’t think he’s lying.
Karen, a lot of what you said made me cry. Because you are summing up all my fears.
I get angry and resentful. Then feel hurt and betrayed and cry and cry. Then he says all these things and I have hope. Then I get scared he is manipulating me. Then I fear that I am just being a stubborn bitch with a grudge.
And Flora, what you said about intimacy made me think of another very confusing aspect. We hold hands and cuddle, We still have long talks about nothing and everything. Somehow he is still my greatest source of comfort. I can still lay on his chest for hours and listen to his heart beat. So I feel like intimacy is there. Just not sexual. If clothes were removed, a kiss lingered or sexual advances are made, I am OUT OF THERE.
I wish I could go off all the medications and see what happens. But I get too depressed.
Oh… and let me mention that I take ambien to sleep sometimes. If you catch me at the right time, I am completely coherant and “awake” but I will remember nothing. Even before all of this, I’d be telling him something and he’s say, “you told me last night. Don’t you remember?” NOPE! According to my husband, I initiate sex with him. Evidence is there that we had sex. I have no memory. But he has showed me texts he has received from me clearly indicating I initiated. This has happened recently. I don’t count it as having sex tho9ugh because it’s like it never happened to me.
My H was the nicest person I had ever met! My firsr H was an @$$. But an honest one. I’m seeing a pattern. lol
My exsah was my first h and is my last husband. I’m really done with men except for George Clooney. If he shows up at my door he can use me all he wants. I hope I don’t accidentally hurt him.
Hi Kim,
A common misconseption is that sex is intimacy; people only often think of physical intimacy. I would suggest getting some books on intimacy. This could be “key” to what just may be missing. There is a common thing among sex addicts that they are incapable of intimacy, some have termed it intimacy anorexia. who cares what you call it, but it is a common thing lacking. Intimacy is the whole big picture. its sharing in each others lives, work, money, kids, household; its sharing the joys and burdens of it all. A marriage which has intimacy, but no sex, is more liekly to survive than a marriage with great sex and no intimacy.
Intimacy is your hopes and dreams and gorwing together. My SA would not allow me to dream, left me on my own financially, emotionally, household, kids etc; while i tried begged, asked for his help. he never felt he needed to.
Another thing that I think must be present. Is care, love and repsecpt for the other. They must charish them and they must also respect them. My h never listened to me, and never heard my pleas for help, for instance get a job. There was no respect for me.
With sex addiction many of us have not been respected, how could we, we were lied to umpteen times.
Intimacy could be what your marriage is missing. They say that if something seems off in your marriage, its most likely intimacy. I like Mathew Kellys book on intiamcy, very good. The other thing that is often amus if you are not happy in any relationship (i mean in any relationship as a friend, co-woerker), a boundary is most liekly being vioalted. SA are typically boundary less as in threy ram through everyone elses..no respect, for instance mine did not want to work..although his duty to partake in marriage equally and intimacy is for him to work…not bleed me dry…, and we tend to have lax boundaries…saying i will never accept an affair in my marriage, okay maybe one, maybe two its an addiction right?? Get my drift. We move our boundaries to accomodate others, or to make others happy or to stay in a marriage by accepting the unthinkable…even though it rots our core.
Good books on boundaries are by henry cloud and john townsend. They have a workbook too, which i have not read, but if you are together with your SA this could be a VERY usefull tool!!
JoAnn ebook on boundaries is great too.
Anyway. Maybe some of these books would help greatly!! And as always I love the library, free books!!
Love,
Flora
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