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Hi dear sisters!!
I have been really lax with SOS lately, but not on purpose! I miss you all so much, and I’m sad I haven’t properly greeted many new sisters. Welcome new sisters! You have found the most amazing place, and the most wonderful group of ladies!!
So just to update all of you, the past month has been busy with my son’s highschool graduation, followed by a 2-day trip to his college for orientation. I’ve also been busy training for the 15k race I do every summer. (It was Sunday–not my best time, but I did it!:))
Anyway, these are all good life events. Unfortunately, my husband has reverted to his old asshole self. I don’t even know if I can say reverted. The wonderful “I’ll do anything for you self” didn’t last long at all. I think I just gave the recovery hope too much time to see if things would turn around. We finally had a big blowout a couple of weeks ago, and I really feel like a lightbulb turned on (or off, depending on how you view it.) I realized I look at him and feel no love; nothing. It’s that natural detachment JoAnn has talked about. One day you just realize it’s happened. I guess I had to go through some serious grieving before it could really settle in. As a result, I haven’t slept well over the past month, and so even the good life events have been experienced in a fog of sleep deprivation.
I finally decided the other night, no more! I am heading back to the Dr. next week to see if my antidepressant should be tweaked. I’m also headed back to therapy to sort things out so I can work on an exit plan.
All’s I ever wanted was to keep my family together, and it breaks my heart that it won’t happen. I am angry and bitter that SA could not put the work in to make this happen. But I do feel he has a personality disorder, and maybe there’s no way he CAN make it happen. I was so hoping to just hang in until both kids are out of the house. But there just is no “good time” for divorce. 🙁 And my soul is withering away here. Just sucks.
So that’s where I’m at…this birthday is a bittersweet time of reflection. It’s also a good time to be thankful for all of the GOOD people in my life, not the least of which is all of you sisters!
I love you all! Please send me courage!! xoxoxo!!Julie,
I have missed you ZG!!! You have been doing a lot of soul searching while taking good care of your kids. I’m so happy you are going to take care of you now. I’m sad your h didn’t embrace recovery and then returned to the status quo. You sound centered and know what it is. It’s your life and it sounds like you want to live it! Thinking of you and encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing, staying true to yourself.Love, Nap
Julie, it is so good to see you. And I am so sorry for what you are going through. I think when we start to suspect that a personality disorder is at the bottom of all this mess, something starts to shift. And it begins to become a little clearer as to why we’ve felt like we were going crazy, and repeatedly banging our heads against a brick wall. I don’t think it makes the grief any less though. But you sound like you’re taking active steps in the right direction by checking on your meds and going back to therapy. I hope that in spite of all this, you’re able to have a happy birthday and do something just for you. xoxo
I’m so sorry ZG. I know you have tried everything. It’s just such a bastard of a problem. But I’m glad to hear you have a plan that begins by looking after yourself. This is absolutely crucial.
And I know that moment, that horrible moment, when you look at the person and you realize the only connection you had was premised and built on lies and deceit, and it’s just not there anymore. Detachment.
Big hug from me. I’m a ZG fan from way back.
love you online/offline
D.Dear Julie,
I’m sorry…not surprised but sorry. You are so way too good for him. Perhaps it is for the best…I know you love your kids but they have their whole lives ahead of them? This is your life too Julie and you deserve someone decent. That is not and has never been your husband. I hope you can find your way out and into the arms of a good man. I SO admire your running…. ;)…and Julie…I HATE these guys! I love you though…come see us when you feel able and Happy Birthday! Karen xx
Dear ZG
I am glad that your are back. I am glad to hear that you are making a decision for your life, about what you can live with and about what you can’t. I want to say congratulations. And while it may not always feel good, to execute, it can feel “right”. I am right there with you, believe me.
Now that I am on the other side? ZG, it is not nearly as bad you think it might be. I find many hidden treasures– that my time with my daughter is not interrupted or tampered with. that she’s her mother for how I really am. and not some consumed beaten down partner of an SA always preoccupied with their drama. you’ll be pleasantly surprised in many ways, once you start the process. Getting there, is the hardest and most painful part. the worst, can soon be over. hang in there.
I can’t express enough love for all of you right now (tears).
Pam, I am so very proud of you!! Karen, I would love to come visit…part of my post-freedom bucket list.
I’m definitely terrified, esp. with the overwhelming thought of details, attorneys…and that doesn’t even include the emotional aspect. I will definitely be looking to all of you for courage and “pushes.” I’ve miss you all!!! xoxoHappy birthday Julie
I’m so proud of you, you sound so good even though we all know this is a difficult decision to make
Keep moving Julie, in the direction that takes the best care of you
You children will hurt, but they will benefit far greatly from you as a complete person, fulfilled with her own spirit and not bogged down in the chaos of being the partner of an sah
Xxoo. We will all be here Cheering u on
Xxoo
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