Zumbagirl’s story, continued…

Hi Sisters!
I know there are some of you I don’t know. I’m hoping posting an update won’t seem self indulgent, but will also help some of you going down the path of divorce from a narcissist. For that is what my SA is. The addiction now seems like such a small part of “who he is.” And at this point, I consider him an monster of a person.
Last time I was on SOS a couple of months ago, I was considering changing lawyers. I did just that at the end of August, and I’m glad I did, although I’m out $4500 to the first lawyer, and according to him, owe another $1500. I’ll be fighting that, as the man literally did no work. He did not care about my concerns and fears, and certainly not about getting me the best settlement I could hope for. He had made the main goal of the divorce whether I was “keeping the house or going” and worked everything around that. My plan was to get an apartment, as our house is big, and a lot to keep up with. I was just on the verge of moving when I switchec lawyers. A poor proposal for spousal maintenance and support was hanging in the air, and I felt like I was on the verge of moving with not a great chance of my attorney making an aggressive counter proposal. I felt like I was not only getting mowed over by my SA, but also both attorneys. What an awful feeling…like nobody was on my side.
Well, I interviewed and retained the best known pit bull attorney in town. His nickname is “the devil.” I had to scrounge and take a cash advance for the $7500 retainer fee. I’m not regretting that for a moment. What I’m regretting is the money I paid to the first attorney. I can blame myself partly. I did not interview enough attorneys. But I can also say that I wasn’t strong enough to get someone tough at the time I filed. Stupidly, even after all I’ve been through, I thought SA would somehow play fair for the sake of the kids. WOW…RUDE AWAKENING!!!!!!!
Well, the first thing the new attorney asked at the initial interview was, “if you have no money, why are you moving?” Just as background, I left my audiology career in 2004 to be home with the kids. Hubby paid the bills and advanced his career. I just went back to work as the manager of a local dance apparel store. THe pay is low and without benefits. But it caters to my daughter’s schedule, I like it, and I it was a good step back into the working world in the midst of PTSD. So I told the attorney I didn’t have a good answer other than that I trusted in the system that I would have money and also that I wanted to get away from the tension (aka gaslighting and abuse) at home. He told me whether I hired him or not, he recommend I not move yet, as it would potentially force me into a poor settlement. So that day I decided 2 things: not to move yet, and to hire this attorney. (BTW, I did have another interview. It went fairly well, but I also had a nagging feeling that I wouldn’t fare much better than with the first attorney.)
So far I’ve been THRILLED with the professionalism and work ethic of this firm. The first thing the new attorney did was initiate discovery and set a deposition date, which is this coming Tuesday. The old attorney did NONE of that. My SA has to produce tons of financial records. As some of you know, he’s a financial advisor. I trusted him with all finances. I suspect there is hidden money. Whether it can be found or not, I don’t know. My SA did appear to drain a joint account of $40,000 prior to filing, thanks to the sleuth work of a good techie friend. Ladies, listen to the advice about setting money aside before you file.
Anyway, here’s the hard part. The gaslighting and abusive behavior has escalated since my husband found out I got the new attorney. He pulled a lot of crap this summer as it is: ripping the thermostat off the wall, because he didn’t like the temperature. He has removed lightbulbs, and even threw away a treasured photo of Patty (Silver Lining!) and I, destroying the frame she bought me. Other things have been destroyed and gone missing. (BTW none of these concerns were heeded by first attorney.) Since switching attorneys, I had to tell him I’m not moving (yet). He has harrassed me, telling me my kids “want me to move” and that it’s “my anxiety at work.” Thank God I have saved all texts, emails, etc. He has involved the kids and upset them. Two days after I told him, very politely, that I wasn’t moving yet, he ripped the family modem out of my hands, saying he didn’t trust me, paid for the internet, and that I couldn’t use it. That same day he accused me of taking his keys (I hadn’t) and threatened to call the police. He also involved our 16 year old daughter, upsetting her. She asked to talk to us both that night. During that time, SA brought up attorney issues in front of her, told us he deserves the bedroom (I have been out of master bedroom) and the garage (he had changed code on garage door opener) because he paid the bills. Needless to say, the exchange left her (and me) more upset than ever). The next day, he sent a text to myself, my daughter, and my son in college demanding a family meeting, saying “the destruction of this family cannot continue.” I told him it wasn’t happenening. He threatened to do it with or without me, but my kids didn’t want to be part of it, and it didn’t happen. Well, at that point, he became friendly and civil for the next few weeks. I suspected it was a temporary reprieve, but I enjoyed it while it lasted.
Sure enough, a few weeks later, I got a sudden text announcing he was moving, and he had already told the kids and extended family. THis would seem like a good thing. However, a few days later, he announced a “moving out meeting” the following weekend. He was having my son come home from college. We were all told to attend to learn the maintenance and upkeep of the home, including a lot of jobs that traditionally have been his. I was pissed my son was coming home from college, and pissed that he was employing some fear tactics, as if nobody besides him has ever taken care of a home before. At the meeting, he had a piece of paper he wanted us ALL to sign saying that we understood the implications of not taking care of a long list of maintenance issues. Of course, I did not sign, and certainly not the kids. Fucking asshole.
Well, of course I have been keeping my attorney aware of this. Following the meeting, he sent SA’s attorney a cease and desist letter. This has only served to infuriate him more. I don’t regret sending it. The more on record the better. But for the record, last weekend, he harrassed me about how and when I would mow the lawn. In another exhchange, he called me a “lying fucking cunt” and a “whore.” Yes, you read that correctly. The good news is that the smarter me recorded these incidents on my phone. NY is a state where this is allowed.
As of now, SA still claims to be moving, but nothing has happened yet. He’s playing a game, and also controlling his own attorney. He even suggested I do the same. (Thanks for the tip, asshole).
Anyway, I’m sitting here typing this all very unemotionally, trying to get it all out, but feeling like it’s long and boring. ANd meanwhile, truth be told, I cry almost every day. I’m stressed and anxious. I hear the horrible things he says to me, and I’m still at the point where I believe some of them, and have to remember not to; it’s just a 22 year habit. And then I hate that I believe it. But I’ve also come a long way. I’m scared of the deposition…nervous about my part and just going through it, even though I’m an open book, and more nervous about how he will be after the fact, esp. since we are both in the house. But I’ve made my attorney aware of this, and I have a phone meeting with him Monday. He will fight for me tooth and nail. That I know.
Say prayers, for those of you who do that. For those of you who know me and have supported me, thank you, thank you, thank you. Every day I feel stronger and smarter, and I know this will be ok at some point. As hard as it is, it’s been a learning curve. Getting there!!
Keep y’all posted!! xoxoxoxo