Zumbagirl’s story

Hi sisters!
So I’ve been on this site for a few weeks now, learning, absorbing, and getting so much support. I’ve put bits and pieces of my story in posts here and there, but I feel ready to put it all out there. Don’t know why I procrastinated…I suppose just seeing it in black and white makes it that much more real.
I guess, knowing what I know now, my story starts back in my husband’s childhood. He was the “late in life” baby of an agoraphobic mother and an alchoholic father. Neither parent admitted to or sought help for their problems, and pretty much enabled each other, from the sounds of it. My SADH was alone a lot, and had to learn to manage a lot on his own. It sounds like one of the tools he used to manage stress was masturbation. He tells me he’s been doing it on a daily basis for as long as he can remember.
So we jump ahead to the story of our marriage, which was in 1991. Throughout our marriage, I suppose there could have been many “mini” d-days, as there were times, esp. late at night on a weekend, where I had caught my husband masturbating to porn (while watching tv in our living room). At the time, this was mortifying–in the early days, I didn’t say anything. I didn’t realize it was abnormal, based on all of the guy talk I had heard. I also felt a bit embarrassed and rejected by it, but didn’t know if I had a right to feel that way, if that makes any sense? In the back of my head, it made me depressed and uncomfortable, but since we still somewhat had a sex life, I didn’t know why. I let myself be fooled into thinking “that’s how guys are.”
Well, we went through the distractions and business of raising 2 kids, who are now wonderful teenagers. Over the past several years, I have felt increasingly separated and disonnnected from my SA–also emotionally abandoned. I still couldn’t put a finger on it–was it a “me” problem” A “him” problem? An “us” problem?
This disconnection was enough for me to start snooping around. I didn’t like doing that–it felt ugly–but I did it anyways. What I found in June of 2009 rocked me to my core–video on our HOME computer of my husband with prostitutes. Ugh, I’m shaking as I type this–weird how it just brings me right back to the feeling. I also shake at the thought of having 2 kids in the house with that on the computer. The files were in a secure locked folder, which I was able to hack into because my SA used a password that he has used for other things. Still, it would be naive to think that it would be impossible for the kids to come across it someday.
Well, at that point, I was hyperventilating and sobbing and I called my husband. He came right home from work, offered to leave, do whatever I wish. I asked him if he wanted to save our marriage. At the time I had no real concept of sex addiction…thought it was “just” infidelity, and that marriage and/or individual counseling was the way to go. My husband said he would do whatever it took.
We found a marriage counselor who diagnosed the addiction. She referred my husband to an addiction therapist, and I stayed with her for therapy. It wasn’t the most successful therapy for me…she was hard to open up to, and her specialty was couples counseling.
Meanwhile, my SA hubby continued to go to his therapist. We actually became emotionally closer quickly, and even resumed physically intimacy within the first month. This was at my doing more than anything else. Looking back now, I feel mortified. However, I read something JoAnn wrote that it is not unusual—it’s a way of “reclaiming your territory.” Made me feel better that I am not the only one who has been down that road.
Eventually, my husband’s therapist wanted me to come in, as my husband had talked about “my anxiety” and how it triggered him because his mother had anxiety. The therapist wanted to see how we communicated and basically do “couples therapy.” It was “ok”, although I think in the future, ongoing serious couples therapy should be with a new, neutral therapist.
So jump ahead to the past year…I felt SA was somewhat returning to his previous intolerant/less patient personality. We were working at our relationship with planned date nights and time together. Still, sex was infrequent, and it didn’t feel right to me–I just felt like I was “there”–my SA didn’t really feel present to me. But then your head plays games–I didn’t know if I was just being overly-sensitive.
I should also point out that once in the past year, I caught SA looking at porn, and another time, he appeared to be browsing an escort site on the computer, but he clicked out of it quickly. Being in major denial, I believed him when he said it “was only that one time” and that he would contact his therapist. I felt uneasy about this, but let myself live in denial. I also blame myself for not educating myself more. My first therapist, after making the diagnosis, told me NOT to look at anything about sex addiction on the internet. Maybe she didn’t mean it literally?? Or she should have been more specific? But she didn’t give me any resources, and then said don’t use the internet as a resource. Maybe I was too afraid to find out more, and took what she said at face value and put my blinders on. Who knows…
So a few months ago, I found a text on my SA’s phone that said something about meeting him in room 805. I questioned him about it, and he said it was for a meeting (out of town). It made me extremely uncomfortable; just didn’t sound right. He also got VERY defensive about me invading his privacy–something which hadn’t happened in a few years.
So I started snooping again about 5 weeks ago–mid March. I don’t know what possessed me, but I looked for and found a gmail account for him. I really didn’t think/want to think I’d find something and it floored me. The account was full of emails to/from “escorts”, dating back almost as far back as my original d-date in 2009. Through everything, he had NEVER stopped!!
I’m holding it together as I write this, but I can’t explain how devastating that felt, and how the addiction hit me over the head like a truck. The lying and deceit make me cringe and make my stomach crawl. In some ways, the lying to my face is even harder to stomach than the actual physical infidelity.
So again my SA was at work when I found this stuff. All I could do was type out a text telling him I hated him. He tried to call me and I couldn’t even answer. He rushed home…ugh, I didn’t even want him near me. I felt revolted and horrified. However, I got it together, and told him he needed to get REAL help or I was out.
So in the past 5 weeks, he has committed to complete abstinence (which wasn’t even on the plate last time–thought continued masturbation was ok). He is back in therapy, and has found a 12 step SA group. He’s been going to meetings twice a week. He’s also registered with Recovery Nation. He is journaling, and reading/learning about sex addiction. His tone and committment seem true, although I can’t be naive about it. I am certainly aware and terrified that he’s only in recovery because he got caught. But then again, maybe this is his “bottom.” But I am setting clearer boundaries this time around, and have installed eblaster software on computers, both at home and at his work. He is willing to do whatever I feel comfortable with for my safety. I am also mentally preparing myself for a possible future alone, and mapping out the physical steps I would need to take for this to happen. I’m able to write that last sentence without crying right now, so that’s a good baby step. 🙂
Anway, I am grateful to be here, although I wish none of us had to be. All of you ladies have been the biggest source of support, knowledge and inspiration in the past few weeks. Thank you, and love you all. ZG