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Welcome Jessica. I am relatively new here (although discovered my H’s activities two years ago). It’s a wonderful group of women who provide great support. Still, so sorry for the trauma that has brought you here …
Sounds like you are ready. It’s scary, and you will definitely still mourn over this — not him, but your kids, the marriage, the security, etc. But the fact that you feel some relief is a good sign that this is what is right for you. Give yourself time and space. You may change your mind now and again, but just listen to yourself and ultimately you will know one way or another.
Hang in there!
Wow, I have to agree with Sunny’s amazing post. You may feel like you are losing the small battles along the way, but you are winning the bigger war (or, rather, creating a beautiful overall peace). Your life and that of your kids will improve beyond your dreams in a year or so when this is all over. I just know it.
You definitely need to keep her at arm’s length as much as you can. That is toxic, and you don’t deserve it at all. I’m outraged. Can one of your siblings try to talk to her about this?
Wishing you well…
She sounds arrogant and controlling, and I agree that she is no friend. I would have had the same reaction.
Not the same thing, but last week I received this advice from a friend to convince me to “save” my marriage: “1. The grass is always greener. 2. People make mistakes. 3. Things can get better.”
True, the grass is definitely greener than the dirt carpet I’m standing on. And, yes, I definitely made a mistake sticking around so long. Finally, I know things are going to be better. That’s because I am LEAVING.
Hang in there!
My H has no problem going to parties, bars, etc. where alcohol is served. He is a pro at ordering non-alcoholic beverages and does not seem the slightest self-conscious about it.
So glad you had fun! Sounds like the perfect first date.
Wow, feelingconflicted, that just made my stomach turn. Ugh. You were right to trust your instincts on that!
Definitely sounds like a kidney infection. You are on the right course of treatment for the worst of the bugs (E-coli, which is what often causes these).
12 yo girl and 13 yo boy. I’m told this is the worst possible time for them to be involved in a separation (or divorce). Breaks my heart.
But, they also, I’m told, “vote with their feet.” In other words, they will choose to be with whichever parent they need to be at that moment.
Thanks for the background, Daisy. THEN I AM IN! I like the idea for me, and am glad to hear that others have had a positive experience. It is sweet solidarity.
About dating, it’s funny. I cannot stomach the thought. And, mind you, I like sex. I just don’t want to have to flirt for it. Give me a cabana boy or (an UNMARRIED, STD-free) male escort for the time being…
That all rings true. I know that he won’t move out — or won’t on the timeframe I want — so I am going to leave. For the reasons some of you have mentioned, I feel that I need my own space without the reminders my current home has.
I also knew that I didn’t want to ASK him or get his agreement, but to just announce what is going to happen. I have control over this. I can find my own place and just leave whenever I want. He would definitely stall …
Thankfully, we both earn about the same amount and have careers that allow us to be flexible in our schedules. (We are also both attorneys, but do not practice family law.) I am bracing myself, though, for the feet-dragging and the possibility of a fight. So long as my kids are kept out of the fray, I will be o.k.
Thanks all!
Another frequent UTI sufferer (am on antibiotics right now, in fact). YES, they can make you that sick and can be fatal if backed up to your kidneys and left untreated. Sounds like your UTI traveled into your kidneys. But typically you would also have urination symptoms (pain, burning, low flow), low back pain (were those your aches?), fever, nausea and chills.
Did they do a urine culture?
Hope you feel better very soon.
Thanks all. Good advice, as usual. It’s been two years since d-day. I gave it my all, but can’t anymore. Feels good.
Claire, I was going to set 6 months as the timeframe, but my therapist said why limit yourself…so I said I am going to take as much time as I need.
I used to cry every time I thought about the kids and — so petty — how we would be sacrificing our lifestyle. BS. Can’t believe I would be so shallow. Kids will be fine, and I will be much better.
‘Nuff said. Amen.
Denial and minimization of the problem. My SAH is the eternal optimist. Without fail, he always thinks the best is going to happen. I suspect it is a defense mechanism. So sorry to hear this because I think I know how that feels to not be top-of-mind.
Hmmm, it might be a bit of a trigger for some sisters. I remember feeling not so sexy after learning about all the perverse stuff going on (and after that hysterical bonding phase). I would buy them to support you, but do wonder about whether some women might be uncomfortable with the thought.
Just my two cents. Oh, and boy shorts or bikinis for me.
Desiree’s story really resonates with me. My H has been sober for nearly 30 years. However, he was not going to AA meetings and wound up channeling that addiction to porn, dating sites, affair sites, etc. I think, as Desiree suggests, that open honesty is the key.
Also, addicts need to be vigilant about efforts to recover, whether AA/SA meetings or therapy or whatever…
These lovely posts give me such hope! I have a big smile on my face (of course, I’m now thinking of vodka …). It really is the little things in life, isn’t it? I will think happy thoughts whenever I make iced tea this summer.
You are not at all alone in this. I find myself very resentful of men in my profession because I suspect that they have devoted stay-at-home wives (most do) who take care of everything while they are out having affairs and flings. I, on the other hand, have to high-tail it home to take care of the homefront. But, I am told, you can find love again and there are very trustworthy partners out there. To be fair, I do work with many lovely men who are not likely cheaters. Hang in there!
Oh, I am so sorry to hear this, and can relate. My SAH spent the last two years immersed in personal growth (a positive thing), and has come out a happy, calmer, more sane person. I, on the other hand, am more suspicious, unhappy, and insecure — when I used to be a confident, happy, and trusting person.
It’s not fair. Hugs, Agony