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Monique, this: “Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and one day you are out of the swamp” which Diane said. that is exactly it. day by day. one day at a time. just keep moving forward. keep the vision of the life you want for your kids and yourself on the horizon. that is what you are moving towards. do not look back.
yes, i had sex with my SAXBF after i found out about his addiction. i did not really know the details of what he had done. i thought maybe if our sex life was better… you know the drill. once i learned more about what had actually happened, sex became really confusing. i was alternately disoriented and grossed out by his body and sexual intimacy with him. i had a lot of anger and a lot of emotional pain, disgust, shame, rage – during sex. disturbing images. heartbreak. disbelief. sex would trigger all kinds of emotions, memories, etc. at times i thought about pulling a Lorena Bobbitt. i think i actually bit him kind of hard a couple times in anger… sorry if that’s tmi.
immediately after disclosure – he had been sober for about 4/5 months – we did not have sex for a little over 2 months after disclosure. he was abstinent during that time. i had taken space, gone no contact for a period of that, and done a lot of emotional healing. to the point where i was somewhat emotionally detached and able to physically enjoy the sex. it was his first time having sex after going through a physical withdrawal from his “addiction” and it was emotionally very intense for him. a strange experience and a weird contradiction, having him so emotionally engaged and me feeling like my body was separated from my head and heart.
eventually, after months of his sobriety and working towards greater transparency and trust, etc – it did get better. i was able to open up more during sex.
but i can honestly say, even after 13 months of his sobriety it was never really the same. i never got back to feeling open, trusting – the way you open your heart and body to someone you love and trust – i never got there again with him. i would sometimes doubt his motives for sex or affection. what a weird thing to feel during sex with your committed partner.
i don’t know if that would have improved over time had we stayed together, or if i always would have felt that way.trish – thanks for sharing this. dreams can be so personal, so random, and so intimate. it totally makes sense that you would dream about him, given everything that has been going on. your mind and heart need to process somehow. while i believe that dreams can help give us windows and insight into what’s going on, and that they are worth noticing and paying attention to — i also believe that when a situation has been very emotionally charged or even just a regular part of our life, it sometimes shows up in our dreams and doesn’t really mean too much, other than: this is something i deal with a lot when i’m awake, here it is in my dreams too. i guess what i’m saying is, i wouldn’t worry too much about trying to figure out the why. just notice it, notice that maybe you need some extra self-care, and check in to see if you need any additional boundaries in your waking life. i love that you are going to the beach. sounds healing. sending you lots of love.
Arleigh – i went through a few therapists before i found my current therapist. i looked for someone with a specialty in trauma, a somatic focus, and experience working with addiction and partners/family members of addicts. she has really helped me with the intellectual aspect of understanding what a mindfuck this has all been (given her grounding in addiction & family systems as they are impacted by secrets, lies, etc) and helped me identify and start to heal the way that i physically experience or hold the trauma in my body. she also works with EMDR. i had a CSAT before and she was not the fit for me, although she had done a training with Minwalla at some point, i felt that she was too focused on the sex addiction stuff and not enough on ME. i’m more than the (ex) partner of a sex addict, and i always was.
Ali, good for you for prioritizing your wellbeing. sounds like it was really healing to share this time with your friend and support each other. there’s nothing like girlfriends.
Get your Halloween costume ready, have a great time in Chicago, and i’ll be sending lots of good thoughts for financial abundance your way!Oh, Kat, what an entitled POS he is! i’m so sorry. Don’t even consider not getting a lawyer. and don’t give up on spousal support, etc either. 6 figures? yes, he can *definitely* help! sounds like you are very clear. sorry this is so disgusting. i can’t believe how low these guys can stoop…
oh yeah, definitely don’t let him bully you into doing or not doing anything on social media. you do what feels right to you.oh also, i wanted to say, nobody was too harsh, or too real, i really do appreciate all of you. i just have been needing some space. we did agree not to discuss our personal relationship in shared professional circles and i am very thankful we made that agreement.
Hi everyone – i am really sorry for being out of touch like that. i don’t mean to make anyone worry… i went from the appointment with the therapist directly to two speaking engagements later that day, and have been feeling like i needed a break. i just haven’t had the energy to deal with thinking about him, or sex addiction, or anything.
Thursday’s appointment with the counselor went okay. i stayed relatively grounded and was clear and articulate. he looked like a jackass and showed his emotional immaturity. we are not in contact anymore. i feel peaceful about my part in this, and am so glad i did that session with him, even though it was really challenging… but still a lingering sense of disbelief at how this all went down. i will write more detail about the session soon.
i am so behind on some work deadlines, and i have been trying to stay focused, and busy, and not spend too much time alone.
again, i am really sorry for not checking in sooner. i appreciate all of you and it means the world to know you care.
i will check in more soon. i love you all.hi.Jenny, we are not married but we work.in the same field and are a well known couple. we are.both individually relatively high profile as well.example of how our paths may cross: I have to give a training at his workplace next friday. he can be vicious. I want to.head that off.if.possible
bless you sisters. i do feel i need to do this. i have to give a presentation at his job next friday and want to establish some parameters about how we will talk about each other/the relationship, etc. my suggestion is: “it didn’t work out”. that is all. no no nothing else.
i am heading over there now and am taking you all with me. Diane’s ball of protective light. This from Karen: “Keep your dignity no matter what your heart screams at you.” Lisa’s somatic grounding tips. Watching him objectively as Raina suggested. All of your support and knowing that you will have my back so I can stay strong and melt down later, in a safe space – here.hometeam, i’m so sorry you are here. it’s a special kind of hell when they won’t admit to anything and you aren’t sure what to believe. one thing some of the sisters have mastered is gathering evidence before confronting. i wish i had known to do that. feel free to post more about your situation when you are ready and the sisters may be able to help you think through getting the information you need for clarity.
looks great! i love how feminine and women-centered it feels. and i like the pic of you. thanks for all you do, JoAnn.
Lisa, you are such an inspiration! you have stepped up and reclaimed your life, and are spreading your wings in incredible ways. i’m so inspired by you. i remember that day we first talked on the phone, over a year ago. you have done so much hard work to get where you are, with so much authenticity and love. sending you love and strength for the next round of changes.
i am just as jaded and cynical Lynn. that is why i thought he might have some reach and credibility. so it’s not “just the women” talking about the trauma. as if that shouldn’t matter. but in my line of work, we try to identify credible/acceptable mouthpieces and train them on OUR analysis and talking points, as ONE part of a strategy.
so sorry you are here, Wren, but welcome to the Sisterhood. The women here understand what you are going through. feel free to post anytime and the sisters will be here for you.
Nap – don’t do it!!! call a girlfriend and have her go with you. or go alone. the movie is absolutely captivating. especially in 3D. you won’t even notice he’s not there 🙂
You’re not foggy Monique. you told the truth. what you heard in response is disorienting! do not doubt yourself right now. your husband is dangerous. Minwalla has given you his professional opinion, and he is concerned. someone who was able to hide you need to keep yourself and your kids safe, above all else. you are going to be okay. make a plan and move forward. changing the locks is a good first step. get some help. have you told anyone you trust what is going on?
Donna, do you have a therapist for yourself? if not, i recommend getting one. you should have support for yourself in dealing with what has happened recently as well as old wounds that you are processing. also, something i’ve used when i have those urges to contact or respond is the 24 hour rule or the 3 day rule, 1 week rule, etc. it’s like the dieting rule, you know how they say if you want to eat something, drink a glass of water and wait an hour to figure out if you are really hungry, or eating for other reasons? if i am tempted to respond or initiate contact, i tell myself i have to wait X hours or days to decide whether it’s the right thing to do. (it often isn’t) but this is a simple trick i have used to buy myself time for clarity and more emotional stability. if i do actually need to say something, i will be more clear about what to say. i used this also when i was with my SAXBF as a tool to manage my own triggers, anger, desire to lash out, etc.