bsigrest

Still reeling from the trauma that I have been living with a stranger the last 15 years. He’s on to his next victim and I want to throw myself off a bridge. He tells me he did it because its all my fault (irrational trivial excuses like “you let your dog sleep on the bed” I have a 6 lb maltese, give me a break. He vanished for two months after telling me he was going to help take care of his ill sister. Then I get text messaging from him, cold and brutal, that he wants a divorce because he has to save himself from me. He’s like a total stranger, no trace of my loving friend and husband, it really creeped me out. After a month of trying to get him to talk to me, which he wouldn’t. I means, who tells their wife they want a divorce through texting and refuses to even discuss it? So eventually I realized something else is going on and I ask him straight out (I text him) and he completely evades the question and when asked again directly he brutally tells me to “leave him alone”. He, btw, is a self diagnosed sex addict, something I never really believed until this horrible realization now that all those times he suddenly became like a cold stranger, picked a fight over trivia then announced that he had to get away from me to get peace, went to live in his sisters spare bedroom several times, living me bewildered and distressed, then just as suddenly it was over and he was back. All those times…..now this time, its out because he has decided, I guess, that he has found someone “much much better” as he puts it and lays the responsibility and blame right at my feet – as if I had been the one that cheated. I sent a note to his daughter and sister asking them if they knew all this time…I didn’t get the courtesy of any acknowledging my note. Then he “texts” me to say yeah they got it and “they don’t care about you”. It seems irrelevant to him or his family that we are still married, that I am still his wife. They have condoned and accepted some woman who has no more integrity than he does, sleeping with a married man while I am not given the respect of a real conversation to comprehend, understand, know how long and how many times over the years, and to be able to even say “I don’t accept your blame and responsibility”. Im having horrendous panic attacks, I feel nothing about my life has been real for years and years, that if I could not accurately judge the character and loyalty of the man I slept with for 15 years, could I trust my judgement of anyone or anything. He has abandoned me here in a city I only moved to in support of his career, I have no family and no friends here, and he is sleeping with some other woman with his famiy’s support and their collusion with him against me. I tried to reach out to my family who live hours away and staggered with shock at their response to my grief and depression : From my daughter and son: “oh get over it, we tried to tell you he was no good – call me back when you are in a better mood – if you want to talk to someone why don’t you go talk to your neighbor (who I just met). I am utterly devastated, hopeless, depressed, panicked, overwhelmed, bitter, angry, suicidal, and helpless to do anything to defend myself, be validated in any way for my thoughts and feelings and my now tiny voice of belief that I did not deserve this and I cannot be responsible for what he chooses to do. Bitter helplessness struggling with this alone, being treated by he and his family as if I were the adulterer, while he carries on with this woman who is now treated by he and his family as if she has all the right to be in his bed and I don’t even deserve the respect of a human conversation . I really want to disappear. I don’t even have anyway to know how many times I have been exposed unknowingly by his infidelity. What was real and what all wasn’t…..do I not deserve as a human being to know this? I just really want to disappear….I am so utterly alone and this is so painful…how could this man who said he loved me the last time I saw him like two months ago, be such a cold emotionless reptilian stranger? What is this man? Am I that unloveable? I can’t keep doing this, I want to die. I told him I needed answers, I need validation. He mocked me. I told him if he didn’t give that much to me at least he could forget about the no fault divorce he was trying to push on me so hard – I will divorce him for abuse (yep that too when he had his spells), both physical and emotional so that if nothing else maybe the court will speak for me, giving me validation and support, even if no one else, he , his family, and to my utter horror, does apparently even my own family. I experience the mindnumbing trauma of these recurrent thoughts multiple times a day, I wake in the middle of the night with panic, there’s no one to reach to, and I remember he’s probably having sex with this woman even as I am sobbing crying to just get some relief from my panic and thoughts. That is why I came to this site. Please help me.