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Teri, that was great advice – take all the evidence and keep it but back it up somewhere so its not tempting to look at everyday. Thanks for that. Yes, he is going to counseling and I have not thought about myself getting help until recently. I didnt think I needed it but im hurt and I would be helpful to learn how to deal with that hurt so thank for that advice. I agree ‘For Now’ since its a gray area it’s probably a fake recovery. He has not moved out, we have not wanted the kids to know anything is going on or that we are having troubles but that is something to consider – I just hate to have to explain to the kids why he is somewhere else but I know…I know this isnt going to be easy and stuff like that just has to happen. It is good to hear someone say it to me though because I will admit, at times I think – okay, he messed up majorly, he will go to therapy and be all better and this will all go away. But from the research ive done and reading the posts from you all – it isnt that simple. Im still digesting, this is still new to me but my eyes are open now.
No words of wisdom to offer just…saying I get it. The lies, the bottomless pit of lies…I get it. sorry. 🙁
I’m new so I cant offer much in the way of advice but I can tell you I’ve been there, ooohhhhh have I been there. Years ago my husband did the same thing. I started noticing he was taking his phone with him even to the bathroom. He wouldnt part with it. Then when he fell asleep a text came in and by this point I was fed up. Who the hell is texting him so much?! So, I grabbed his phone and read a whole long thread of texts from a woman he worked with. He said he loved her, she said she wanted to have sex with him, it was like they were texting all day long everyday. Even while I was reading the texts she text again so, I did like you said you wanted to, I responded to her text and told her it was over to stop texting ‘me’ that I love my wife and she means nothing. Well, she knew it was not him and text back and said really mean things like, “how does it feel to have been with your husband for so long but the one he loves is me?” I wrote back ‘lol’ and then woke my H up and went off crying and asking him what was going on. I thought he was just having an affair, I had no idea about the SA at that point. Long story short, my point is I DID text the woman and it made me feel worse not better. I even think it made me look weak but I was caught up in the moment, she text while i had the phone in my hand, I had no time to think it through. lol. Anyways, I am sorry you had to see those texts, I am sorry that they exist – it hurts like hell – I know that pain.
My emotions are all over the place, one minute im crying and vomiting and the next I’m thinking how nice it would be to believe him, that he’s done doing this stuff, he’ll get therapy and all of this will go away. That doesnt mean what has happened disappears, its not like he felt ANY remorse until I confronted him. He even tried telling me someone else must have created those online accounts and used his picture. He only admitted things when the proof i had was such he couldnt lie about it anymore like pictures of him in the act. You know one of the pictures was in our bed, he had a threesome in our house in our bed. who does that?!?! Do these men recover? Can they learn to get there “thrills” another way? its too early for me to even think seriously about what im going to do but I’m curious, do you all know of men actually getting better?
Thank you all SO much. Your posts warmed my heart. I would reply to each post if I could but I didnt see a reply option after each post. 🙁 I thought I was going to share my story and it would be worst one anyone of you had ever heard. I was nervous and I hesitated to read your responses because I thought it was going to be shock and disgust and I’d be too ashamed to ever post again. I was so wrong, and I’m SO thankful. It is a relief to know that our stories are similiar and that I really am understood here. He says he’ll go to therapy and we can work through this but I am not even there yet. I cant get the images out of my head, oh my goodness such awful images, that HE took with his phone. I just wonder if he bragged and showed them to anyone. So yes, I’m still reliving in my head all the disgusting emails I saw, the pictures, the chat logs, and then new things pop up in my head like, oh my, i bet people knew. i bet when they saw us out they all felt sorry for me, im so humiliated. Or worse, I wonder if he ever hit on my friends, the neighbors and they maybe they just never told me. Oh my gosh, I know he is the sick one but still, it is embarrassing that people probably know I was being grossly and blindly deceived and mistreated. That enrages me. What sounded like a running theme in the posts was to NOT try and understand it. When I read that it sort of snapped me out of it because I found myself trying to find a way to make it make sense. We hadnt had sex in years, maybe I was being neglectful, maybe he thinks I wont understand his fetishes or will judge him, etc. But what freedom your posts gave when you said DONT try to understand because you never will. It felt like someone had already done that work for me and was giving me the cliff notes. lol Thank you again a million times.
