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Awesome!!! Yes, I do my best to correct some falsehoods. Thank You so much for sending this letter.
Some of the things I need other to understand.
1) Cheating has nothing to do with the faithful partner and everything to do with the character flaws in the cheater.
Every marriage has marital problems, NOT every marriage has infidelity.
2) I am not a co-addict. I take no responsibility in decisions I had NOTHING to do with. I had no knowledge of his sexual behavior. To label me a co-addict is very damaging and places blame on my shoulders.
3) It takes a great deal of self-hate to use a whore.I have no sympathy for the whores. There is so much out reach/charities and positive choices they can make. How about simply walking into a police station, hospital or fire station and say I am being abused and need help.
I have no sympathy!!! They are destroying lives, their lives, contributing to the destruction of the addicts lives.
Bar tenders can be charged and held accountable for serving a drunk. Whores need to be charged and held accountable for servicing an addict. We as a society are far to lenient on prostitution.
Remember, a man needs a great deal of self hate to use a whore and a whore has a lot of self hate to be a whore.
No one who values themselves as a child of god (ie self respect) would be engaged in this sick behavior.I am so so sorry you and the rest of us have been so damaged.
I have prayed to god that each time a man uses a whore his dick shrinks by an inch each time. So far my prayers have fallen on def ears 🙁
I do not currently have a cell phone or a land line. But my email is carrieell@gmail.com you can also find me on facebook carrie bakas gordon so we can chat
I hope you are doing well. I am a positive outlook kind of gal, I will give you proactive positive advise as best I can.
I have not read this book but I know a couple who swear by the info in this book.
Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage [Paperback]
Lee RaffelAwesome post kmf!!! I was grieving a man who never existed. I loved a man who never told me the truth. I was devastated and to look back I never knew my husband, he was NOT the man I thought he was, that guy never existed.
I do feel robbed for 22 years of my life. I was not given accurate information to make the best decisions for my life.
Oh Donna,
You can not begin to heal until you have full disclosure and have all of your questions answered.
He needs to understand that you may ask the same question 20 times because we just can not understand and we need to re-ask the same questions over and over until we get it.I am optimistic for you, I believe if his account has not been posted in for nearly three years, believe him but exquisitely tell him everything you need to, your thoughts and feelings and how you need him to respect you as well as himself.
Explain that you also demand transparency and this is a major set back. He is back at ground zero in trust with you. To feel safe you need certain behaviors. That could be calling you when he gets to work and every time he leaves work. It could be he has lost computer privacy..etc..whatever you need to feel safe and be honest ask for what you need.
Getting answers to your questions is a key ingredient in rebuilding the trust and building a strong marriage.
As far as work goes, right now im trying to sell my baklava at co opps, festivals and farmer’s markets. I would like to earn the money for a small food truck.
Ali it takes great strength to stay. You are a strong woman. It also sounds like your man is doing all the right things. Will you two read a book together, its called The new rules of marriage by tery real.
I am so proud of you and your husband.Can you consider taking a year to home school. Kahnacademy.com and connectionsacademy are great. I know the school administration really needs your son in the class for funding reasons. Home schooling really scares them. Here in nm we have a large home schooling population who do lots of great things with their kids. This is the route I am ready to take if I need to.
Please keep your letter and give it to your lawyer. Try to minimize all direct contact with him. The other ladies have given good advise.
I know you hurt so very much, try to remember this is just a season in your life. You will be so very much happier when you get the necessary distance from him. He can be her problem.Can you turn over copies to the organization so they know this happened? For your safety,and everyones safety the organization should start a paper trail. She may have sent the same nastyness yo others.
Daisy – Thank you so very much for being like me in this aspect of only having one partner.
I have had a very hard time with this fact. My husband was 17 and I was 16 when we got together and we were each other’s firsts. I was so proud of that fact, I was so grounded in the security of that fact, no comparisons, we were on the same island.
Now he left me alone on this island, he took off leaving me like a stupid dog running along happy as could be not knowing any better.
It’s a purity I will never ever have again.
He is now 9 islands away from me, we are trying to build a bridge back but we will never be on the same island again. I break down crying writing this..its so hurtful, their selfishness to so so wrong.
As much as I may fantasize about sleeping with some hunk ..LOL..I can not lower myself to be on the same page as some cheater, I just can’t do it, which further fuels my question as to how did he actually do it, how do you touch a stranger, actually put your penis into a stranger and orgasm..I do not get it..and this is something my husband has said he hope I can never understand, because if I do understand it..something is terribly wrong .Good question. I am so so sorry for your pain.
Just weeks after catching my husband, my weight got down to 105 pounds. Three months after D-Day, I had a complete mental break down, and spend that entire year in a state of shock…literally lost a year of my life to shock.
My body anesthetized itself to the point where I was able to go in for an ankle tattoo (which I really like) but I got a tattoo and never felt a thing. We are in trauma!!!!
Then to top it all off I have developed 3 breast tumors which now have to monitored every year to see if/when they metastasize.
I am so saddened by all of your stories. The SA should have all the health issues, the prostitutes should be the ones to carry the burdens of this shit they choose to participate in. (In this phase of my life I have NO sympathy for the whores)
I am a believer in anti-depressants to help us for a time…they saved my life, use them if you need them, until your life evens out a bit.Just days after hearing my husband having a great time screwing a prostitute, I made what was and still is the most difficult phone call of my life.
I was so secure in my marriage that I actually asked my husband to get a vasectomy so that we could have carefree sex for the rest of our lives because STD would never be an issue for us.
Good god, that phone call was so very difficult, I was crying so so much and could barley speak and the woman who answered the phone was so kind and gentle and supportive with me.
I think about the idea of inadvertently having sex with who knows how many people. I had just finished up a biology class for a nursing program where I studied STD’s, and how we carry small bits of sex partners with us as markers on our DNA, so our immune system recognizes these foreign invaders and know exactly how to defend and kill them and I was stuck thinking about how many markers are now permanently in my husbands DNA, carrying around a little bit of each whore with him.
I also have my husband get tested every January.
And yesterday I read in my Readers Digest that Antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea is a serious public health issue. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/07/sex-superbug-antibiotic-resistant-gonorrhea_n_3229890.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopularI also believe in full disclosure. I believe we must have full disclosure to begin to move forward ( a healing process), to take away their secrets that can fuel more cheating.
I do believe in generational sin. Meaning exposing the children to the bad behavior, have porn in the house, being an example of very bad choices. Not something literally in their genes/dna. Although I do believe in the brain chemicals idea of addiction. After catching my husband I asked him to tell his parents (thinking they would be of help to me…NO..they were sympathetic to him and called me heartless…another story for another time) Anyway…when my husband called his parents, the generational sin all came out.
We can trace this addiction back to his great grandfather all the males love their prostitutes and come to find out both my mother-in-law and my father-in-law have cheated, both my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law, and my niece (who worked as a whore for awhile) and my nephew….How totally sad.
I am the only one who has had only one sexual partner in my life..which brings up feelings of being a big looser!! Like I am the pathetic one.
We have two boys and it is my hope that by being open and honest with them, putting the words out there for the universe and all to hear that they may be saved and not go down the same destructive paths.Love is such a silly word for me, its something for kids…
I think what I need and what I’m looking for is Respect.
Don’t say you love me, Show me that you respect me.
What a great question. Here is how I did not know.
1) My husband opened an etrade account, to which he funneled money into BEFORE his pay check was deposited into our checking account. I never saw any missing money.
2) Got himself a check card from etrade from which he could get cash at any local bank. Easy for him, his job at the time has a credit union right there in the building. Pretty sweet right?
3) Once on travel and in another city, he would buy himself a prepaid phone and other “supplies”…from walmart. No phone bills for me to see any activity..ever, what a smart guy 🙁
How was I to ever find out anything? I am not a believer in god, but finding out how I did and when I did had to be divine intervention.
My husband was slowly killing himself with this activity, literally, his teeth were falling out, he drank to excess, his health was really bad.
I agree with bonnieb, I feel bad. I am over 2 years out from my d-day, and only now feel strong enough to join a group like this. Had I joined earlier as a crazy, hurt woman, I cannot imagine what I would have done if I had been rejected by a support group. I nearly killed myself as it was,….
Diane….ouch..I am so sorry about your PTSD. I do support you and the support you have written, not only to patsy15 but to others as well. I feel you have a sweet soul and truly try to be kind and truthful.
Karen, take heart..you are loved by many (as I can see) and I am trying to live in reality and the notion that its never wrong to tell the truth. NOW..I also know how hurt I have been from being on the receiving end of some truth and it stings like the dickens, but as it sinks in and becomes more clear the sting lessons and becomes my truth.
It’s all so hard.Just a shout out to Deleted User, meg and allcat62….I like your posts.
Awesome post kmf.
For patsy15, if your ever around again..when I am hurt by others words, especially in written form, I take a break, walk away, replay their words and ask myself a few questions before I respond. Let the situation settle and then revisit if you need to. If you are real, and I think you are I sincerely hope your life turns around for the better, I really do, I want your husband to refocus his purpose in his life and become a better man not only for you but for this world.
Hurt people…Hurt People
Hi,
I hear your anguish, your pain, and I remember being there so clearly. I hope you stick around here with us, you need support and lots of understanding and love right now.
I spent a year in shock, yes, I lost a year of my life to shock.
I want you to try to keep your distance from him and being in different rooms is a good start.
His words slice you to the core when he compares you to another woman. So VERY hurtful!!! I am so sorry….
You are doing the best you can for right now, I agree with the meds, for a time.
Divorce can be followed through later, for now, I wish I could help you with the PTSD you must be dealing with, the persistent recurrent thoughts, the images cycling over and over. Yes, you need help and a good counselor.
Please know, his cheating has nothing to do with you…REALLY….I know even that is hard to hear 🙁 some day you will understand and believe that his cheating has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his childhood, his issues and his broken moral compass.
This is going to be a long recovery for you, and you will recover, I know it does not feel like it right now, but his behavior does not define you and you can and will get through this.xoxox
This hurts so much, and yes its very/strange/yucky feeling to have him gone and then there is the flip side.
He is not there to wonder about, worry about, be frustrated with, by hurt by..he is not there to hurt you.
I asked my husband to move out for a while, and my kids had a hard time with it, but I was in this weird peace state about it. It felt good, I felt scared and good.
Please be kind to your self, indulge in the sun, taking a nap, etc…walking with your daughter around the neighborhood just before dark 🙂