daisy1962

From August 2012: I am fifty years old and have only been with one man for the last 30 years. We have been married for almost 23 years and have two children, 18 and 20. We were best friends for several years before we started dating and until about 5 years ago, I thought our friendship and our marriage were as solid as a rock. I always knew that he looked at porn and while I didn’t like it, it didn’t seem like a big deal.
At some point in about 2007 things started to go wrong. H was very distant and cold and was spending a lot of time with his computer and cell phone at his desk in the basement. I asked him if he was having an affair which he denied. Eventually I discovered he was having an affair with a woman he met while on regular business trips out of state. When I confronted him he said that he had feelings for her but was not in love with her and wanted our marriage to work. There followed a period where he told me it was over but he was secretly continuing to be in contact with her and to see her when he went out of town. When confronted again he did break off contact with her and we started to try to make things right again. During this same period when I searched his brief case for evidence about the affair, I found a notebook filled with porn pictures he had downloaded from the internet. I was filled with apprehension that this problem was much bigger than I suspected. I mean, who carries a notebook full of explicit pictures to work?? But I was so intent on trying to save my marriage that I chose (to my regret) to overlook this problem.
Things were pretty good for a few years although I think I always knew deep down that things were not right, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else. When I started to notice the secretive behaviors were starting to creep back in, I started waiting for opportunities to look through his computer files. I found a large spreadsheet he was keeping on women involved in the porn industry. Names, birthdays, where they were born, whether they did men, women, anal, ratings, what web sites they were on, etc. Very detailed and very long lists – I’m talking hundreds of women and hours and hours and hours of work to keep track of all these details. All of this was kept on flash drives so it would not appear on his computer. I looked at the history on Internet Explorer and he was regularly viewing 10-20 porn sites a day. Now I was really scared because this seemed so obsessive and weird. I also started checking our online bank statements and noticed he was taking an average of $400 a week out of our account that was not appearing in his wallet. This had been going on for years. Where was that money going? I still don’t know for sure.
Everything came to a head last Sunday night when I found a note he had written to another woman on one of his flash drives. It was clear he was having sex with her and it was equally clear that she was a stripper. Another confrontation in which he admitted he was having sex with her and that there had been one other affair over the years. I think at this point that there have probably been others. After we talked, we agreed that he should not stay at the house so he is now staying at a cabin we own. He is very ashamed of himself and has accepted full responsibility for his actions. He says he cannot explain why he did what he did. I told him he needs to find a therapist and start fixing this so we can see if we can save this marriage. So far, he has said he is willing but has not done it yet. He keeps telling me he feels hopeless and that he is down in a deep, dark hole and can’t see how to climb out.
Despite all this horror, I still love this man and I believe he is a good person or WAS a good person before this addiction took over his life. I have told no one about any of this. Everyone, including my family and friends, think he is a great guy and I don’t want to destroy their image of him. He’s not just my husband, he’s my best friend as well which just contributes to my sense of loss and betrayal. I’ve read everything I can find on POSARC.com, joined this site, made my own therapy appointment and am waiting for a couple of books from Amazon including “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”. So I’m trying to get myself healed as much as I can while we figure out if there’s hope for our marriage.