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Okay, I seriously love the Betty quote and laughed totally out loud for the first time in a month. I could hear her sweet voice stating the obvious. HILARIOUS!!!
Didi
I know what you are feeling after you find out. When I first discovered all of this I would literally “fall to the ground” and weep a huge puddle. It did not matter what I was doing – laundry, carline, washing dishes. I was totally lost and confused and spinning out of control. It is very hard to function and get things done. Things that seem easy to everyone else.
Go easy on yourself. Do one nice thing for yourself every day. Self care is essential. Take a bath, paint your nails, sit on the porch, drink a glass of tea. Be selfish. Have a massage. I know these things are small but you must be gentle with yourself.
I am so glad you found us. I came here recently after my second discovery. It never gets easier. I wish I had found this group sooner.
Welcome,
DidiMichele,
I can only image the devastation you must be feeling. Not only is it another woman but a prostitute. You heart must be breaking and your head spinning. I am so glad you found us. Lean on this group, rant to this group, cry with us. It will help. It has helped me.
Didi
What an “ass”. I think you did the right thing and he is just showing you some “true colors” and trust them and run. I think we all wish we had listened to the “red lights” sooner and run. You deserve someone way better and you will attract the right person.
BEV- love the idea of tattooing your number on your son’s ass. Hilarious. I wish we all could call these men’s mothers. But if they are like my husband then these are men raised by a narcissistic who emotional invested in their sons where they were not getting the love they needed from their husbands. My Mother -In-Law is a real “winner”!
Didi
March – you are in my thoughts. You did the right thing which was to feel your feelings and to process them and not stuff them. We never know when they are going to hit.
Love you,
DidiHere is a letter I wrote to myself this morning:
Dearest Didi,
You have a journey ahead of you. It will not be what you think it will be. It will not be pretty or perfect. But it will be divine. It will be timed just right and you will know when your lessons are learned and it is time to be free.
When you come to what feels like the end of know who you are, who to trust, what to do, where to go, what to be? Then you will know it is time. It is time for you to step out into this world as a fully present and integrated woman that will bring a powerful message to the world. I know that you will want to regret the past to wish you could go back.
To doubt yourself and ask, “Why didn’t I trust that small voice that has told me to run so many times before?”
My darling, it was not the time. Now is the time. Now you are ready and you are strong and you are a force for the world. It is time to be all that you can be here on this earth. I love you and watched you hurt and grow. It is time to cleanse and clear your heart and life so you can be a light. A light that shines brightly to let others know there is a path through the darkness. The flame you thought was out has been growing over time and is ready to now burn at full strength again.
Let this flame burn bright and vivid for all the world to see. They will see it and be drawn to it. It is time to be fully the woman you are so you may love and support other women to help them grow. You are beautiful and talented and it is time to share your talents with the world.
You have a message inside of you. Now is the time to share that message. You have no idea the impact and power it will have. You are ready to be free and thrive in the world. Follow your divine calling. Even though your heart is broken it will not break, only bend and become stronger as you weather each storm.
Your loving and supportive spiritual guide.
My husband has has about a week and half left. I have had one phone call with his therapist and two with him and have been asked to come for “family week”. When my husband went in, I was already leaving him. I asked him to go to treatment to save his life and not his marriage. I told him, “I will not come to Santa Fe. I will not be there as your family. I will take a phone call with your therapist if it is necessary for your healing and recovering as a Dad to our girls. But I am not way interested in talking about reconciling a marriage.”
He calls his treatment center, “trauma camp” and is telling all his family that he is at trauma camp dealing with issues from his childhood and things that happened in 1983 that are still affecting him and his marriage.
Ugh!
didi
This is such perfect timing. As I left my home with only what fit in my car I knew I might have to return and that there were certain things I did not ever want to see again. My wedding dress was one of them.
My first thought was to leave it laid out in the Dining Room table with my “rainbow” wedding crown. Our song was “Beautiful Day” by U2 and we had all colors at our wedding. Every table was saturated in a different color. (that is not the point….)
Anyway, wanted the dress, the crown, my wedding ring and and a our wedding picture all on the table for when he arrived from treatment and a note saying, “Was it really worth it?”
Instead, I packed up the dress and crown that my girls loved to play with and took them Goodwill so I never have to see them again.
I did leave some cupcakes and the “I’m Moving” invitation my daughter had sent out. I hope they are covered in mold since I left a month ago. (Couldn’t help myself on that one…)
Didi
I literally ran from my home this time when I discovered my husband had never stopped. I left everything for him to manage. Even the cupcakes from our daughters “moving away” party. I hope they are covered in mold when he gets home.
I threw out anything I didn’t want to see again. My wedding dress, other dresses that I had worn for special occasions, my “renewal” wedding dress from when we renewed our vows last year. WHAT A JOKE!!!!
He is in treatment until September 14. I move into my new home on Saturday with my girls. I am literally calling it the house that “God Built”. I have not a single piece of furniture with me. I only took the few items that meant something to me. I am trusting that people will emerge and furnish this home for me on Saturday. I am trusting it will be a safe place for me.
As I told you when I joined just a little while ago. My support group was throwing all these “Bible versus” at me. I kept saying, “I am inviting God into all my plans.” I did the rebuild the foundation and go to therapy for three years, do the disclosure and rebuild intimacy. There is nothing I need in my home. I fit all that I want into a car and got the hell out of there.
I am just waiting. Trusting. Praying. And cleansing out my heart as I prepare to start new.
Didi
Dear Kelly,
Welcome. I just joined last week and have married to my husband for 11 years. We renewed our vows last year based on the “therapy” we had done to rebuild our marriage after I discovered his porn addiction three years ago. And then three weeks ago he went into treatment and had never stopped his addiction. I was told last week that there will be women on this site that make all kinds of decisions (stay, go, one foot out the door and gone). I have found that to be true and all support whatever decision is in the “your best care”.
Welcome. I am glad you are here. I have found that is a great place so far and look forward to my nightly check in.
Peace,
DidiMy husband’s family has not reached out to me and my girls once during the three times I have tried to divorce my husband. I am not grateful. No one should have to go through what you are going through. The sister is not aware of the harm she is doing. She is simply not present enough in her own self and heart.
I am so sorry for your pain.
Didi
I am grateful for this site and support. I truly love that you are “checking in” to see how it went.
I actually danced around my sister’s living room I felt so good and clean after today’s call. It was a little “Kristen Wiig” jig and I am going to bed now because I am drained but grateful.
The therapist said I am a very wise woman and he honors the work I have done. What meant the most to me is that my therapist and spiritual guide also honor what I did. It feels so good.
Night Night,
DidiLove,
DidiHello Sisters,
Here is how the call with my husband went. His therapist called on time. He is in Santa Fe at the New Life Healing Center.
I spoke his therapist a few days before and asked how I could best prepare and what I could or could not say. I was told I could speak freely.
Before the call I prayed for God to be in our conversation and vowed to not cause any harm while on the call and that I be protected and cared for in the best possible way.
His therapist started by saying, “Our call today will be about Peter, his recovery, how you are doing and what to do next when he leaves treatment.” He then said, “Diane, why don’t you start by telling us all your concerns.”
“What?” I thought to myself. I have not spoken to my husband in almost 20 days. I have no idea what he has been doing, what he is thinking, nothing…It felt like a very uncomfortable place to start. The old me would have started there.
Instead, I took a breathe and said, “I am not comfortable starting. I have no idea what work Peter has been doing. Plus I do not feel me expressing my ‘concerns’ is the best place to start and is actually quite negative and will set me up to talk about my anger. I am not interested in talking about my anger here. I am interested in talking about my hope that Peter and I both recognize that we need to take the best care of ourselves and whatever we need for each of our healing.”
The call went really well. I spoke honestly about my need for space, separation and healing. He therapist asked if I would consider reconciliation. I explained to his therapist that this is technically the 4th time I have asked my husband for a divorce. I believe for “both of our healing” we need to be separated to focus on ourselves. The separation will allow me to focus on my own self care and protection at this time due to this latest trauma I have endured. “
I told them I am interested in being an angry person. My hope is that Peter be the best Dad he can be and that all our spirits be cared for at this time and that we all emerge better people as a result of our separation.
I shared with them about how when my daughters have “big feelings” and want to cry that we stop whatever we are doing, cry and then find any rocks we can on the ground to make a pray circle. They are normally 3 inches big. Then the girls and I hold hands and pray that God take care of all of our hearts.
The therapist tried to end that sometimes we are put on this earth to find certain people to heal our deepest wounds together. I told him I honestly believed I was doing just that each time I re-entered this relationship, when I committed to working on the three years of marriage counseling to rebuild our life on better foundation. Each time we have worked on this issues (alcoholism, childhood sex abuse, poor communication, sex addiction). Peter continued to participate in his porn addiction the entire time. Our foundations we were “rebuilding” were always built on quicksand. I can not rebuild again. I have nothing more to give this relationship.
I cried a whole lot. I shared my sadness but remained, calm and steady even if my words were hard to say through my sobs. I feel that I said what I needed to, that I stated again that I am leaving and moving away to Texas with our girls. That we need space to build a safe and supportive new home.
I felt better after the call but have no idea what the future still holds. But I do believe that I will protected in all my decisions.
BTW, I am sober six years, I have worked the steps three times. I have sponsored several girls through the steps and have had the same sponsor for almost four years. I tell you this because that is the foundation I have learned from and draw upon now. I have done my work. I know that there are no more lessons to learn in this marriage. The lessons are to learn how to have the best boundaries I can with my husband.
What I have been told is that boundaries are not what I place on others – like don’t call, don’t visit, don’t whatever.
My boundaries are about how I will behave or not behave. My new boundaries are that no matter how poorly someone else is behaving I will not cuss, stream, stomp, fight, scratch, etc. I will always do my best to keep my spirt and heart in tact so I may be respectful, loving and kind.
I respect that Peter wants to get better for now. How long it will last I do not know. But God has given me a huge gift of peace tonight. We will see how it all plays out.
Thank you for your love and support as I grow this period of my life and hopefully emerge a new, stronger, kinder person. I do not want to loose my heart at this time.
Diane
Debinca – I went into our hulu account and was looking for my last episode of Glee I watched. Then it should all these porn movies and it said viewed two months ago, another three months ago, another 1 year ago and so on till it said 3 years ago. I was utterly shocked and so glad for the evidence. Before I had to search histories and cookies and he would always clear the history on his computer. This was purely sloppy on his part and I was pissed cuz our girls could have found it. He denied them.
I asked, “Peter there is porn in our family hulu account. Is it yours?” No he claimed.
“Really, cuz when I did a google search on this title is said it is a movie about a whore house.”
He continued to yell and rant. Then finally admitted he had lied to me, our therapist and his SA sponsor.
He said, “I thought I had it under control.”
I discovered October 2009. I never check because we did intense couples therapy and he always told the therapist and me he was “sober”. Even the night I found three years worth of evidence he claimed and yelled, “I have been sober for three years.”
Is it a relapse? Um no.
I spoke to a sex therapist three years ago and she told to me, “Get out now!” I sure wish I had listened. I never what the my heart ripped out by him again.
Diane D
If do meditation before bed and it helps me to sleep. I have also been reading a lot about quantum wellness and practicing surrounding myself, my daughters and family with light so I go to sleep thinking happy and peaceful thoughts.
If I wake up, I try to ask to be redirected in my thoughts.
Sometimes it works. Sometimes not.
diane d
Dear Joann,
I am new to all of you but I want to share with you what I have learned. I can not give love to anyone if I am running on empty.
I do not know all of your story, but I do know I am in the middle of following through with what I committed to do if I caught my husband again. It is not fun or easy and sucks.
I keep telling myself. I did not cause this. He did this.
The most loving thing I can do it take care of myself 100%. This support group has already helped me to understand I have been traumatized.
Diane_D
My husband had me convinced for awhile that I was Dr. Jekell and Mr Hyde. It was always me and why was I been so irrational.
UGH! I think it will take me years to sort out who the hell I am. I went and bought all new bedding for my new house. I realized how controlling he was about our house and thought to myself, “Peter would hate a purple bedspread.”
And guess what? I got myself a purple bedspread today. BAM! I just want him out of my head.
Harmony, my thoughts are with you. I have just started this road again. I am glad you were able to write this letter. I know the pain you must be in when he just comes back with attacks.
This is one of my fears right now. The last time my husband and I were separated I hated the fact that he got to see the children. I discovered the pornography, asked him about it and he of course denied it. I cried like never before that night and then he left for a 12 day business trip the very next day. I could not believe it. I was utterly lost, devastated and confused. I kicked him out and then by Christmas he had them for the week and I was left alone and in a very sad and dark place. Why did I have to be alone at Christmas. Why did he get them? I didn’t lie, join sex chat rooms, put myself up on a website as available to “see who might be interested”. I vowed on Christmas Eve to do what I needed to stay with him and to be there with my children so they were safe and never alone with him again.
Now I have moved away, out of state while he is in treatment. I cleared the move with him before he went in to treatment and he confirmed in an email and that I could move. What do I do? How do I protect myself and my children from him? My greatest fear is leaving my children from him?
Keep strong,
Diane D
I know I have discovered an amazing place as I read this letter. I feel all of those words. As I am on my second round of discovery and it is not a relapse because I found three years of evidence in our family “hulu” account. When I think that my daughters (4 and 8) could have stumbled on it. Makes me sick.
I have worked for three years in counseling. During that time I wrote a novel at night. The week that my novel launched I asked him if I could throw a book launching party. He stated, “Maybe you should see if anyone even wants to come.”
“What I asked?” I just put a book up on Amazon. this is a big deal and I need you to celebrate me. I am not asking for much. Just a sign and cake that you make with our daughters or a $9 bracelet from Target. Anything to show them that you are proud of what I have accomplished.
He proceeded to yell at me, “Oh I’ve been waiting for it. Waiting to hear how I am a failure.”
I was calm and simply asked, “Can you please stay focused on the matter at hand. I never said you were a failure. I asked you show your daughters that you love and respect what I have accomplished.”
He cried and made dinner. “WTF,” I thought to myself.
Then that night he sent me and email from the living to our bedroom stating, “Here is an email I sent. See I support you.”
I decided to ignore it and go on to watch an episode of Glee. Not knowing the last one I had watched I looked in our history and there it was. All of it. Three years of it. I had never looked. I thought we were better. I thought we were doing this together. I did all this work!!!!!
I asked him about it and he denied it over and over. I could not believe he could lie to my face. I asked him, “Would you want me to lie to you like this.”
I am done and leaving with our girls tomorrow. He simply said, “Okay. Should I sleep on the sofa?”
I said, “I don’t care where you sleep?”
He had the gall to sleep in our bed that night so I got up and left for the porch.
The next day I asked him to go to treatment not to save our marriage but to save his life.
I am scheduled to talk with him on Friday. UGH!!! Why do I need to talk to him? Why can’t I just be done and make it all go away?
I did this whole book “Courage to Heal” with a therapist and couples therapist. I took on the whole thing that I must have attracted this due to my painful childhood issues and sex abuse. Well, I’m done now.
I have rented a house somewhere else and moved the girls. I emailed him before I left of all my plans.
Oh and here’s the other thing. I run a major business and have had to keep it all together for our business. I am so done.
Sorry to write so much…this post just triggered it all from three years ago when I really was in a daze and lost and empty. I am still in a daze but also in some serious action mode to make a safe place for my girls.
I HATE HIM!!!
Dearest Sisters,
I already feel so much support from you. I just logged on to see if anyone wrote anything and the tears are just flowing. I have to work today so maybe it would better to get on here at night when my girls are asleep. I truly want to thank you for all your comments. They mean the absolute world to me.
I’ll be back later.
Peace,
Didi
