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Thanks gals. I will talk to my therapist about assessment, she is great. I had seen her in the past and I just started up with her again. God I hope this is temporary, not chronic! Either way this is another thing I will work on overcoming, I can’t live like this. Its like getting hijacked all over again!
Artemis, Many of us are waiting for you to checkin. It may feel awful right now but IT WILL GET BETTER! love and light your way sister. xoxo
Hi Donna,
sorry for what you are going through, its awful, yes it is, but it will get better. As Claire recommended, find a good therapist, block him from emails and calls, you certainly don’t need any more of his dark cloud. He is manipulative and keeping in contact with you is his little way of controlling you. Its not your job to figure him out, screw him, figure yourself out. For me, a good therapist has helped me to understand why I accepted completely unacceptable behavior, (apparently I was “taught” this as a child, very clear to me now) so with that knowledge I’m working on myself so I will never allow abuse again. Get pissed! That fucking low life bastard asshole! Anger is empowering, depression depleting.A lot of good information here at SOS. Check out Chumplady, link below. You are on your way Donna, don’t beat yourself up about why you stayed, move forward. Take gentle and loving care of your deserving self. Be proactive and your life will get better. Big Hugs, Francine
http://chumplady.com/2012/06/untangling-the-skein-of-fuckupedness/
Raina,
A few years ago, the first time I found out about my h addiction issues, we went to counseling, specifically a sex addiction counselor. We were told that for therapy we had to go to separate counselors, one counselor for me, one for him, and another different one as a couple. I believe this is standard procedure because we had to do the same thing in another state as we are snowbirds. We signed releases so that they could share info. From what you just shared it doesn’t sound like your therapist didn’t validated you and your concerns. Maybe find your own therapist, for sure one with a background in SA and as a couple another with SA background. I love the woman helping me here in AZ, going to her and doing other work, self care, focusing on my needs, SOS and lots of reading on the subject has its been life changing and I’m still working on it. I no longer live in what I called “tornado head” with thoughts spinning around my head trying to reason things out, so much so that I my personal life and my self care went out the window.I just read a great thing yesterday that helped me that I’ll share; (caps are mine)
“There was a piece of reality that I never wanted to see. I loved someone who couldn’t be trusted. Again and again I suffered the disappointment of broken promises, contradictions, and outright lies. Each time, I felt crushed, betrayed, outraged. Nevertheless, hours or sometimes days later, I put the incident out of my mind. When the next promise was made, I trusted without hesitation.”
“I continue to find it hard to accept the fact that I CAN’T TRUST THE PROMISES OF SOMEONE I LOVE. Yet I see that most of my heartache has come from MY OWN REFUSAL TO ACCEPT REALITY. I need to learn to trust my experiences more that the inconsistent words of others. I’m learning NOT to depend on someone who has been consistently untrustworthy, but at the same time realizing that that is no excuse to give up on the whole human race. There are people upon whom I can rely.”
Affirmation: Today I make a commitment to be honest with myself. By facing reality, I become someone I can depend on.”When I talk to my h, which is rarely now as we are separated, I think this, WHO YOU ARE SPEAKS SO LOUDLY I CANNOT HEAR WHAT YOU SAY.
Hang in there Raina, a lot of good information and support here. You are obviously intelligent and you are seeking knowledge, good for you. Trust your gut, you are on your way to solutions and some peace of mind and we are all with you!
Hugs, FranceThank you Victoria & KMF, great advice that I also so need to be constantly reminded of. I will cut and paste to my journal to reread.
Arleigh, you are not alone, keep climbing, I can tell you have it in you. Hugs, France
Hello and Welcome,
I’m somewhat new to this site also and am in a similar situation as you with your h. I’ve found helpful information from the sisters here and its a great place to turn too any hour of the day. Hugs, France
Sooo sorry. I got this link just the other day from a friend going through the same thing with her son. Very informative.
Wow, “living on pins & needles, waiting for the punch to hit the gut, hell on earth” You are living in that horrible spirit sucking contained world of an abused woman.
I know that place, I’ve been there, you can’t see the forest for the trees when you are there, you don’t believe you are better than what he says or thinks about you when you are there. Your self esteem is shit because somewhere deep inside you believe him. I’ve had to crawl out from that same place myself.
I was living in so much denial about what was REALLY going on. I was in the world of “I’m fine, I strong, I can handle this.” But I really wasn’t. I deserved better, and I didn’t realize/believe it.
For me it started with me focusing on myself and realizing not only were MY NEEDS were not being met, I was in a prison that controlled my life and my emotions. And I ALLOWED that to happen, because of false beliefs about myself.
Focus on yourself, getting out and getting on with your real life thats waiting for you, you just need to Wake Up. You ARE strong enough to move on! And your poor Mom having to witness her wonderful daughter in this hell, yes this is what hell on earth is.
Last week on this site someone wrote (sorry I don’t remember who) something her therapist said. “There are no bars on your door so why are you putting them there? Why?” A good question.
You are so brave. You’ll get it all figured out eventually, what matters is you are on the right path towards a better life! Best to you sweetie!
Thanks lynng2, after I left it I was actually back and forth on if I did the right thing leaving that. I actually printed out my journal for the previous week, all the texts were in there, along with the pain and venting, he got an eyeful and knew exactly what I went through.
Yep, time to end it, theres 50 ways to leave your lover OR 50 ways to tell him to leave! I have to let go of what I thought the rest of my life would look like. If I try to picture my life a year from now I can’t quite see it. But this week and next yes, I know what I need to do. Thanks Teri and all the sisters for your thoughts. xoxo
Thanks kmf. He is headed to our winter home in AZ, I’m here now. Already told him to find another place and got no resistance, he’s never seen me this intense and he is prob thinking he can suck me in again.
I thought about choosing to look the other way thing and finding someone on the side for myself, but I’m too angry and that would just feel weird to me. Yep this is round 3 and I would have to undergo a lobotomy to believe him again. Maybe I’ll go buy a toaster in case any varmints show up, good idea Kim.
How great it is you are distancing yourself from her energy sucking dramas, good for you! Life is hard enough why let that ugliness get close and stick to you. Just say no thanks, you can keep all that stuff for yourself.
Yes, hate her. We live in a small town, glad I’m not seeing her around. Trying to resist the urge to drive by her place. What would I do anyway? I’ll keep telling myself why waste my time on a flake?
Thanks for your support! Yes, I’m feeling strong at the moment but you gals know how that goes. But it does feel good to have a plan of action.
Wow, thanks for all your thoughts. Been trying to organize my life since leaving & just getting back to this site. btw I have the second edition and the author is his daughter.
I’m still making sense of it all and what is most important to me right now is my self care and gaining knowledge. I want to learn from this. I want to do everything I can to not have this happen again. I know I didn’t cause this, I can’t control this and I can’t cure this. Yes, I got that from a 12 step meeting, one of the slogans. I think they use it in many 12 step groups and its very helpful to me. I can lose track of those 3 facts and when I do, which still happens at times, my head spins and that NOT how I want to go through life, consumed with him and his behavior. I appreciate that they say “my first priority is to keep the focus on myself” To me that means I need to continue to work on myself spiritually, to continue to grow and learn to be a better person in all aspects of my life, with or without an SA or A in my life. Its my life, my growth and my peace of mind that matters. Sounds good to me.
I think Minwallas’ chapter is great, how he acknowledges the terrible traumas SA behavior can cause to the partner, I don’t think I’ve seen that written about anywhere else. I also read the 2nd paragraph of that course description, would love to take that class! Thanks Diane for the reminder to trust my intuition on all this. And now my to do list is even longer! Thanks all for the reading suggestions.
