Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Desiree,
I am so sorry you are facing so many challenges and experiencing so much pain. I am certain that you will find some wonderful support and love here.
Gabby
Beauvais,
My heart goes out to you. I know this discovery is devastating. This is a wonderful network of women and I hope you will find the support you need!
Gabby
Dear Northern,
I am so sorry for all you are facing right now. I am a newer member of the site too, but have already made friends and received some great support. I know you will too. Welcome and don’t be afraid to lean on all of the wonderful women here.
Gabby
Natale,
It never ceases to amaze me to hear the incredible stories of women such as yourself, who have endured so many challenges and yet have remained amazingly positive and strong. That being said, I agree with Karen that you need to get some rest! 🙂
I am keeping extra good thoughts for you that the best possible results come from the tests.
Much Love,
Gabby
Freedom – I am very new to the site as well, but have already met new friends and am grateful to their support. Welcome! Gabby
Natale,
This is such a wonderful post!!! Thank you so much for sharing! And it is so good to hear that your husband was there for you all along the way.
I am curious as well about your medical condition. I had brain surgery a year ago April for Chiari Malformation (which no one ever seems to know much about). But anyway – I had a great Neurologist at UCLA. And I can tell you that I understand about horrible headaches. So if you need any support on that front, I am here for you.
Big Hugs, and hoping that there is a healthy road ahead for you. 🙂
Gabby
That is awesome Bev!!! I think doing this will be just as good for you as it will be for the girls. You need some fun and what better way to get it than with your beautiful daughter. Hugs! Gabby
Lisa,
Nobody can be faced with this kind of personal and relentless trauma and then be expected to remain calm and collected 100% of the time. SA’s are master manipulators, and they will do and say anything that relieves them of the responsibility. You know it is BS, and deep down he knows it is BS. So you blew up – you are allowed to blow up. You are allowed to scream and cry and throw things and even vacuum if that is what it takes. Losing your cool does not make you a freak.
if you can, try and step back and breathe. Take a drive or a walk or whatever you can do to put some distance between yourself and the blow up. You will get your calm back, and then you will be in a better place to consider what to do next.
Hang in there,
Gabby
Diane,
I know each woman here has tried so many times that they must feel as though they have a permanent dent in their head from hitting it against a wall. And I also know that we each have to decide when we have really reached the point of calling it done for good. God knows I am hovering at that place right now.You saw the text he sent me yesterday. I sent him the following:
I got your text. You are a Sex Addict. How you can even suggest that you are not is offensive. And you have 2 choices. You can continue to live giving way to your compulsions with no hope of ever having a lasting and loving relationship with anyone. Or, you can put yourself into a real recovery program and manage your compulsions every single day for the rest of your life. These are the the only 2 options you have.
I have 6 years worth of written documentation of your lies and addiction. I have 6 years worth of apologies and promises and cries for forgiveness. You made some progress with Matthew (his last CSAT) – but clearly not nearly enough. This is not something you can treat for a few months and be cured.
I realize that being away, living in a motel, and working 7-days a week makes getting help more difficult. But it is not impossible. And if you have time for porn, you have time to take action. You squandered the time you did have when you were not living away, and working as much. That time is gone. Now you need to find the time, as limited as it may be, to deal with this.
I have not filed the initial paperwork yet – but it is printed, signed and ready for me to take to the courthouse. All I can say is that I will give you one day at a time to show me some progress. The courts open again on Monday.
____________________________He started researching programs and counselors in the area. I am not jumping for joy. I have no delusions. I am requiring some tangible action from him every day because that is what I need right now to be able to live with myself while married to him.
For right now – this is where I am at.
March, I have not been able to find your story as of yet. Still trying to figure out how to navigate within the site more skillfully. But I read your profile and I can tell from just the few posts here that you are in incredible pain and protecting your daughter as you fight your battle. I am so sorry. I know everyone here is sending you their support and strength to get through this. I hope you can feel the love of many through cyberspace, and lean on its power. Gabby
Well I don’t get to Porterville very often. In fact I have never been there. But Visalia is a possiblity. But here is the real irony – Porterville is where my H is working right now. Maybe you could slap some sense into him for me? 🙂
ISH Beverly Hills is not all that far away from me. I would like to hear more about this thing you are going to.
On another note Bev, your post about how the books just don’t cover things like the first time you have sex with them after recovering from one of their episodes, or feeling compared to (insert pros name here), is so true.
I really hope you are able to get through the holidays keeping things status quo.
Hugs, Gabby
By the way – I live in San Diego. So Deb is too far to go with me to the courthouse, if/when I do. But would love to find others in my area that need a friend in mutual crisis.
If I wanted sugarcoated lies I can get plenty of them here at home. I am his rock – you are right about that. And I was reading a response to your post, and she essentially said maybe he is asking you for more time to save face and put off the ineveitable time when others in his life discover his life is not so perfect — he is not so perfect. I think that may be true in my case as well.
I also see that so many of you are trying to deal with this because of your children. I am so sorry that you are in such a terrible situation and I wish I could take that away for you and your children. You probably read my story and think what the hell is she waiting for? No kids? She should run fast and hard. I probably should.
Anyway – say anything you like to me. I will not be sending JoAnn any angry emails. 🙂 I need to hear it.
It doesn’t make me mad at all. I think about kicking his sick perverted ass to the curb every single day! And I have really looked at everything I do with scrutiny. Enabling is a funny thing. I obviously don’t want to do anything that makes it easier for him to do these things. But you can turn just about anything around to suit one’s purpose if you try hard enough.
I appreciate the honest comments and am not looking for anything but that. So thank you!
Of course the things he is doing make me feel devalued and devastated. I am way past the blinding anger that used to consume me. I live in more of a numb place now. I don’t constantly monitor him, but I have the tools in place to confirm things when my intincts are triggered. And my instincts are always confirmed.
So far I am hearing that my best course of action is to get out. Well clearly this is no path anyone would purposely choose. It is a path that I suddenly found myself on. Too far down the path to simply turnaround and go back. What has happened has happened and cannot be undone. So the question is … do I just forget about the lifelong commitment I made when i said “I Do?” I realize divorce is incredibly common today – easily accepted and almost expected half the time. But I have not threatened divorce lightly. I don’t want a divorce. But I am at a point where I am not sure if there is any other road I can take and live with a peaceful heart.
I know love cannot fix his problem. I know addicts are addicts for life – whether it is alcohol or chemical or this. And I think about successful recovering alcoholics. The one thing they do to keep it under control is to never ever have a drink – not even a sip – never. One would naturally think then that Sex Addicts would also have to abstain from all things sexual in order to stay “sober.” And that would mean even with their wife. Well of course that is not realistic. So how does the sexual relationship between a recovering SA and his wife look? Can it ever work?
OK – that went a little off track of my original point – but is something I often wonder about. My real question here is whether I have any viable options beyond a divorce. At this point, a divorce is the easy way out for me. No children to worry about. Just financial entanglements – which is not easy – but can be dealt with. Divorce is an answer. But call me old fashioned, I married him for life (sickness and health and all that crap. But I meant it). It turns out he is sick. And that does not mean he is not responsible for managing his own illness. He needs to do that, and he is not doing so right now. If he were diabetic and not taking his insulin, he would die. As a SA, he is not managing his compulsions and triggers, and as result, our marriage will ultimately die. If he does not do the work, there is no question that I will file for a divorce.
Meanwhile, I am tettering on the edge, trying to decide if I am ready to turn my back and leave right now – or to stay and give him the time he has requested to do that work. I guess I was hoping to find some stories of success, if you can call it that, among the stories of torment. Some strategies and treatment options that could make it possibly worth fighting for my marriage. I know there are no stories of joyous happy ever afters to be found involving a SA. But are there any that provide some glimmer of hope? Before I take those papers to be filed, I want to know in my heart that I really had no other recourse.
Oh God – My husband just recently purchased this book on iTunes. What is it? It sounds like Just another way for him to act out. And another nail in his coffin.
Thank you JoAnn! It is good to have place where I can talk openly about this. This is not the best dinner conversation with friends and family – and you end up shouldering the burden alone.
Gabby
Thanks Deb,
We do live together. However, he was out of work for a couple of months, and given the economy that really took a toll on our finances. Therefore, he took the first job that came along, and is working 5 hours North of our home during the week. As you know, that kind of distance is a breeding ground for oppotunities to act out. Of course, when they set their mind to acting out, they don’t really need to be 5 hours away to do it either.
He knows he has a problem – but he is in denial about the seriousness of it, and really resists putting a name on it. Especially a name so damning as Sex Addict. He went to counseling a couple of years ago. It helped. But you cannot treat this for a few months and call it cured.
He feels he is better than he was. He is not on any dating sites (as far as I know – and isn’t that the standard caveat for all of us), but he seeks out “massage” providers quite regularly. He has a physically demanding job – I cannot deny him that – and is sore at the end of the day. And so of course, that is his excuse. However, it is NO excuse. There is no justifiable explanation ever for betrayal. It plays right into his denial, that this is somehow a lesser and understandable offense, and therefore not the action of a SA.
I can see the phone records and have a way to see what he is searching for on his laptop even while he is away during the week. If he isn’t looking for a prostitute (errr a masseuse) on redbook or the backpage, then he is reading literotica or watching extreme porn. Funny – but I have yet to see any search history related to getting counseling.
So you are right – he needs to get on the recovery bike – and stay on it – if there is any hope for our marriage. On that point I have been clear with him, denial or not, and I am waiting to see if he can do it without me leading him to the next step.
