Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Yes, children need more than one adult to raise and protect. That’s why early man had the females raise them and hunt for berries and men hunted and protected. Women knew who their children were, the men didn’t. Now we have medical gene testing, so we know for sure if needed who the father is.
A great book is His Needs, Her Needs. I have learned so much, I have to heartily disagree. We married men, men are made for sex, not monogamy…to completely trust any man is ridiculous. I’ve been told that over and over my entire life by men. And I will teach my daughter the same thing, hopefully she will listen, but being a woman, she can only see through her own lovestruck, naive, trusting, hopeful eyes. And yes, I will teach her to take responsibility for choosing that man. Hopefully she will be able to choose a man from a good, strong, healthy family…if not, she’s fucked.
Of course it’s a myth, otherwise cheating wouldn’t be so rampant. I’m not saying it isn’t just as crushing if it wasn’t a myth. It’s traumatic. I’m in trauma. But I chose to believe my h would be monogamous, that was my mistake. And yes in one of my groups a man put a gun in his mouth, he is so traumatized, but he is the only guy. Women are much easier to control because we have different hormones. And most men who have cheating wives have cheated, they just don’t think that what they’ve done is serious cuz they are guys and guys always think they can get away with a little bit..I don’t expect any SOS to get this, just ignore it.
Monogamy is a myth. It just hurts so much because we hate that we fell for it with the forsake all others. I guess because I understand all this, through psychology, my university, my years of study, now therap, all point to the fact that humans were never meant for monogamy. Marriage basically started because of property rights, women – property. Religion doesn’t even help. Men were meant to f as many females as possible. But at the same time, society says that men must marry and pretend to be something they are not. Women just can’t pychologically wrap their heads around that, at least not Western women.
I see nothing wrong with being angry at any other women. I’ve always hated sex workers from the time I was very young and heard anything about them. They are vile pieces of trash and the world needs to put trash into the garbage, they are garbage. I hate Breakfast at Tiffanys, I hate that. god awful Julia Roberts pretty womanShit saw it with my sa..hahahaha. They all hurt women. And sure blame the men. Ya know, women have bodies nature specifically made..all round and hour glass specifically to turn the raging hormones that men have naturally, they cant help thinking about sex every few seconds..I wish some of you would really understand this. Women and men are complete opposites. We really are almost different species. Why do you think our breasts look this way…full, round, inviting, even though we are not nursing. Nature designed that to turn men on all the time. Why are our butts round, the same like breasts, to turn men on every second. Why are our faces more child like, so feminine, to turn men on..yet, we have very little testosterone…the best aphrodisiac on the planet..nothing comes close..NOTHING. Yet men are raging with this hormone and women are these bodies that epitomize their constant desires…and if that isn’t bad enough, though we are not sex crazed like all men, sa’s aside, sex workers use all this to fuck with men and take their money and ruin families. Sure I can say, but my H is married to me, not the whores. That’s true. I’ve worked with hundreds of men in construction, football, university, national airport, medical field. All the men I spoke to cheated. Oh well,hate to bust all the know it all bubbles out there. And not one wife suspected…not one. Now I’m in that club too. And the men cheated with nurses, flight attendants, customer service personnel, patients, customers, business partners, co-workers, secretaries, baggage handlers, fuel attenants, volunteers, other mens wives, hook ups in bars, strippers, prostitutes, call girls, even had friends hook them up… I would rest my case but too many will read this and faint or scream or call me nuts or just continue in denial.
It all sucks. If we can’t take it we stay. If we can’t take it we leave. All I know is that my sister in law also thinks her husband hung the moon…trouble is he’s my husbands brother….same family…same genes…alcoholic, has visited a strip club..but that was a mistake…men are pigs – it’s the f’ing truth. Boys grow up to be men….we can’t stop it. But women sure as he’ll should not be the supply, as easily and as eagerly as they are. Fuck the men, but really fuck the sex workers…they are multiplying more than ever. Really, how can an testosterone filled man survive…it’s easy for us..we run on estrogen..big deal, the emotions runnuth over.
Fc, thats a tough one. Maybe a motel66 for the time being for him. Holidays at a cheap hotel if he is acting out is the best present for you, self care. Or you could ignore him until divorce. Just dont deal with him. If you have proof of sex, trying to get sex, communication about sex, then all is off the table. Only if they are working their recovery is it worth it. If you know for sure he is not, motel or complete detachment is the only sane thing.
Deb, words of wisdom. Alanon is really good for most people. I do have to state that to me, these groups are beneficial even if you disagree with some stuff…is there anything or anyone you agree with totally..no. I accept the good, bad, ugly of 12 steps, because I understand my wounds are extensive from my family, my friends, my work, my husband, his family, the world. I finally accept I’m so wounded that only with the help of others who understand and accept wounds and the horrible ugly truth of facing all of it, will the wounds start healing, the scabs close the wounds, and soon, with a lot of work, only the scars will be visible, but I will live through it better and stronger and what a gift to myself and my precious daughter.
Understand, thanks for replying. In my healing, I just want to express my truth…which is, everyone is on a scale of healthy…some with sane families some who have really fucked up families or nightmare Moms…my sa totally has a horrible family, really bad, a lot of addictions, etc…then without a lot of work and knowledge to overcome their trauma, they will end up as sex addicts..most sex addicts have emotional disconnection stemming from mom, father issues..they use sex to cope with this disconnection and minimize it so they don’t even realize how bad they really are, they have a mask on…they don’t truly know themselves, however it is our job, before we commit to them to delve into their life and really look at it, not think we can over come their trauma when they don’t even admit to the actual trauma or disconnection. We can only overcome our traumas and when we do that we can actually see the whole truth of our partner or any future partner. Gee
Cosa is not for everyone, only those who finally submit. It took me four months of fighting, now I see my family as it really is, like I always saw my sa’s family as it was.
Bev, I fought that for four months and I finally gave in….like my dear therapist says, his family was so fucked up and you were comfortable enough to stay and not run? Exacty what cosa has been trying to say to me since day one…ya, I didn’t want to admit that I chose someone who couldn’t possibly commit to me, the truth was too painful, I thought I found The one who would be there for me, commit, be true..how could he not, I’m so awesome, he’s so lucky…but as cosa and my csat says…not about me sweets, it’s about him and his family issues..your issue is that you thought you could trust him, you thought his family didn’t affect him, you thought he over came any child hood issues, you couldn’t have know his childhood issues, you thought you were so great he could change his flawed and damaged brain…no, you have to look out for you and not worry about you…why did you stay when after the second date there were signs of something, hey, when you met the family…really, you thought you could over come that he’ll? Etc, etc,etc
Ok, good, now we have a good post, bh. A regular therapist won’t cut it for either of you. If he is still having sex with others, no sex with you. If no sex with others and no stds, then the sex is up to you, of course. Trans are a different case altogether it’s sex with men and really does cross another line of how strong the addiction is with him.
Does not mean no hope, though there is a very small minority where there is no hope. Sounds to me marriage counseling should be put on hold. I suggest your sa goes to an intensive, I hope you can find the money. One week is supposedly almost a year of counseling, they are that valuable. Keep posting. He needs a lot of work. If you are dependent upon him, sick, with kids, then you must buckle down and do the hardest of all work. If you decide to leave, then no work is necessary. Keep posting. You will get a lot of the same advice here: leave, divorce, separate, kick him out…that’s why I probably won’t last long here..I never last long on coping with infidelity sites or support sites, because I’m a different breed…I won’t be telling you to do that.I don’t get on that train. But keep posting and good luck, we all need it.This is what cosa says, you ended up with a sex addict because you were bred to…our family history is ripe with fucked up stories…Our parents couldn’t or wouldn’t parent so we chose men who couldn’t or wouldn’t commit to us. It’s not that we knew they were sex addicts….no, we were just comfortable with how screwed up they were, we thought they were normal cuz we didn’t know what normal felt like…
The Foundry Group in Beverly Hills has a great 5 day intensive also. Omar Minwalla is amazing too. Either one is just great. Bev, do you mind, how did Omar know he needed another week. I’ve heard this a lot from other cosa sisters, they think one week, but a director calls and says two, they think two, a director meets with the wife and says three, one womans h had to stay six weeks instead of four….
I have a lot of spelling errors , stupid iPad, hate it, my lap top is broke, sorry about all the errors, I can’t fix them once I post the comment
You know I’m not gonna say stay or go and no one else should, that is for you. You are desperate for answers, we all are sweets. It’s a lot there, I don’t get it, did he actually have sex with anyone or not, I can’t find it. A lot of masturbation, that’s what men do, not sure if that should be a restriction but if you want it to be fine. So he masturbates with panties and womens clothing? What specifically is he doing, spell it out for dotes like me..what are you wanting. Can you wait foe better settlement? Then wait for it. Can you talk with ohm 2 or 3 hours a day? It may take that. All sa’s need a lot of work. That’s the addiction. Talk to us in plain speak, or at least me. Keep posting. Also, if you need to stay you need to stay. I’m there too. If you don’t want to have sex don’t. Be roommates for 2 years. If you want more than just roommates you are gonna have to put in the hours…talk, write with him, talk more…it’s a lot of work, but those who don’t put in the effort get nothing back whether you have an sa or an aa or a supposed great guy, ya, Ive heard that one before….guys are guys…some hide their true colors, others just have different colors.
Teri, I totally get where you are coming from. All women are different, duh, I know I’m stating the obvious, but sometimes the obvious is the only answer. Some tolerate nothing, most tolerate a lot. Some women have more money than others. It’s easy to speak from those terms. Also, it seems to me, the more money the worse the acting out. My sa yes had sex with massage parlor prostitutes, we are thinking about 29 times total within the last 3.5 years – awful. He had a hand job only once. A bj once. So now we are up to 31. Then 8 years ago he saw a beautiful whore outside a luxury hotel in Hawaii. Yes, she had to have been a ten cuz really that’s what gets my sa off. I would think she is a 10 also. My sa has very very high standards – it fucking sucks worse knowing that, but I only deal with the utmost truth here. Then he called a whore from the yellow pages on Colorado, a 10 again and wanted sex but only got a bj, so sad. Then in Kansas turned a whore down again from the yellow pages because she was not his type – perfectly gorgeous, so sorry, dear hubby. Then I know all about the strip joints, exactly which ones, what states, exactly what he did and what he wanted them to do and what they refused to do. Then I know all about his porn addiction. Then I also know about the peep shows.
So, you Teri, can get information by detective and go crazy with all his denials, or I can get all the information from him verbally, in hand writing, on computer, also excel spreadsheet. This is how dedicated my sa is to explaining to me every detail, even though he doesn’t want to and his csat doesn’t like it either – the trauma is too great compared to others who do not get everything. But I wanted him to describe to me every step…I grove here, I put car in park, I left the cell phone in the truck, I left my wedding ring on, whores don’t care, I open the door, I sit down, the madam greets me…..I have the whole picture verbally and written.
So some women leave, according to stats, most don’t. It seems the ones who do are the most verbal. In all my sanon and cosa meetings, we are blesses here in LA, with many, very few divorce and those that do sound the most unhappy. The rest of us are doing the best we can. We all finally have our sa’s communicating with us. We tell our whole stories.
We call each other. Yes, we all agree, takes months and months, to admit that we did play a part. How? By coming from fucked up families too. Most don’t see it at first and then we submit to the truth. By admitting no one deserves complete trust, yet we gave it fully and naively. By hating sex, me, or by thinking it was the most important sign of love..no, intimacy is, we just didn’t know what intimacy was. There is so much work we ourselves need to do.
There is a lot of hate on this site. That’s fine, I hate too. But I also man up and own my part. I gave my h too much power. My fault… I can go on and will later on too the chagrin of most here, maybe, but healing takes more than saying, fine, no sex, fine, go fuck the whore instead, fine, I’m leaving, fine, you leave….there is no work in that, that is just trauma at it’s best.
To those who hate cosa, I hope others will give it a try. I am so grateful to my cosa sisters. We in pain grow in strength and learn to heal. I fought it tooth and nail, and then I woke up – there is no blame with us, that’s misreading or misunderstanding, even the dear Mr. Omar thinks that way. No, what cosa is trying to say to you individually, wake up, work on yourself, work on your poor family history, really how did you get here…with an sa, even if you weren’t given overt signs, how did your childhood allow you to choose a bad partner…it’s all there, you just have to stop fighting and accept that your mom was a food addict (mine), your dad was a tv addict, (me again), they ignored your emotional needs, your aunt was sexually abused, your uncle was a sex addict, your other uncle was an alcoholic….it’s all there, it’s time to greive it all.
Thanks for allowing me to share.
25 years here…porn all the way to prostitutes. Good luck sweets, but at his age, not buying the no sex bit….glad you are here. You need to learn that he has a lot of heavy lifting to do. So far it sounds like he’s still laying on the sofa staring at the weights…..
I used to work in the medical field…so much stds, herpes is rampant. I know a woman who sued her fiancé for herpes and he killed himself. Please, all that have stds, know you have sisters in every walk of life; I know of famous actresses, lots of married very wealthy women, business women, doctors, every walk of life, status, age. It’s everywhere. I get cold sores on my lips once a year…we are all sisters of these diseases and of this particular disease. And I know sa’s are everywhere and a lot more than the estimated 6 percent. It’s gotta be 30 percent by now…I’ve seen too much and know too much….
I love my therapist, he’s gay, love him. I never understood lying about orgasms, I’ve always hated sex, was dirty to me. Yes, I’m one of those women. That always upset my h, my loathing of sex and how He could never please me. But I did it with him 3 times a week as I wanted to make sure he wouldn’t cheat on me…lol,lol,lol,lol, lol harder!!! Lol!!!
You girls are so great! My h can barely do it for 2 minutes and it’s done…always been that way. I had a mini relationship 25 years ago and the guy went at it for 30-45 minutes. After 5 times of that I said bye bye. I never liked sex (until now) and pushed my h to hurry up, yes, I would say “hurry up!” and then it was over in a hurry.