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In response to this post, i really believe that you need to walk away. I know it is hard, but coming from someone who is also in a marriage with a SA, I am telling you that you need to cut your losses now. IF I were in you position with all you have described, I woule 100% know that getting a divorcce immediately was the answer. I am giving my husband a chance because he is trying to change and I have seen changes in him. But under no circumstances would I rather stay if I were in any other situation. It is a new year in a few weeks, take advantage of this and begin a new life. You have things to look forward to (your son’s weddings) and you need to focus on that and a new life that 2013 will bring you.

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Courtney,

Other than the times when me and my SA husband are in a fight (usually about his addiction and me just getting fed up), I will distance myself from him and as a result, I do not have sex with him. But, we have never had a period of abstinance, eventhough I know it would be beneficial for both of us. Those times when we do not have sex, I feel so in control, but my heart gets in the way…

To answer your question, NO sex with an SA is never the same and it is nothing like you imagined your life would be like. Unless that trust is not there, the sex does not meet the needs it used to. I am not saying that the sex is horrible, but it can grow much more. My SA is in recovery and almost everyday he shows me all that he is doing to change, usually i try to think about this when we are together. I have hope that one day we will regain trust again and our intimate life can be all that I imagined.

Good luck to you. Do not rush into anything you are not ready for. I cannot count the times I have had sex with my husband and regretted it after. You have to have a plan, stick to it and yes, following your heart can be beneficial as well.

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I really do pray for you during this difficult time. We’ve all been there, but at the midst of all of this mess. A new year is ahead of you. Think of a new beginning for yourself. I have hope….

~hope.

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Last Straw,

Reading your confession made me very sad, but also very happy. You want to know why? It is because of our SAH that we are placed in aposition to examine ourselves. Not that this is good what happened to us, but a perspective that is brigher would see that this happened to us for a reason. I (like you) have recently confessed a lot of character defects about myself. I am not perfect either. I guess in a way, it makes what they do to us seem like something that can be understood one day. this by no way means that it justifies what they did, or that you should forgive them. Just use this experience to better you. I have.

Now…onto more important topics. You are a wonderful person! You have to look to a higher power for mercy and grace. It seems that you are depressed, believe me I know what depression looks like. You can come out of it on top. Make a list of great things about yourself and dwell upon those. The negative confession list is healthy to write down, but you can do something about most of them and change the future. Good luck sister 🙂

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Hey Trish, Disclosure can be very helpful because at least after its given, you have heard everything and in a sense, you can try to rebuild your marriage. I have to warn you however, it is NOT easy to hear. You have to prepare yourself and once you do, make sure that you give yourself space from him for a while to calm down.

When I heard everything, i slept in a different room for almost a month (It should have been longer!). With regard to the financial papers, that is a really good idea to prepare for the worse. I know its hard, but when listening to the disclosure, try to keep an open mind and DO not make any haste decisions. I know from personal experience that what you perceive now can change in a year or two. If your husband is committed to changing, who he turns into can change your world.

Good luck!

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cbslife, I think you are on the right track. Take it slow….

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Are you in a place currently that you are moving forward with your SA in a new relationship where you are trying to create intimacy for the first time or again? How is it progressing or not progressing?

Response:
I am currently still married to my SAH and we are trying to create intimacy again. This has been ongoing since I found out about the problem in the first place 2 years ago. There have been periods when things have gotten so out of control that I have had moments when we have not been intimate, but this only lasted at most a month. How is it progressing? Well, I have to be honest, when we do make love after a fight about his addiction, it is not great. Because you walk away afterwards feeling like a loser. Like, personally, I wish I was not so weak when it came to my husband. But the truth is that I love him and want only him. When they say and do the right things, it is easy to move forward. But, there are times when they do not say or do the right things, and i’ve learned that even though i would like to move forward with my husband, I need to remember those bad times. the truth is, I am a stronger women, when I withdraw myself intimately. I think that we need to set out a plan and be able to forgive. Once you have passed that, You can set boundaries and try to slowly rebuild intimacy. Never rush!

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Jos1972, I could not have said it better myself. I do believe that handing this entire matter over to god is a good idea. I have done this numerous times and I have come out on top. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But, I noticed that forgiving your wreck of a marriage and or husband helps you to start forgiving other people that have harmed you as well. I mean, if you can forgive him, why not them right? This does not mean that we make ourselves available to be bruitalized over and over again. In fact, the opposite. It puts back in the driver’s seat. We remain calm and collective and make better decisions. Right now, my family is really getting to me. The older I get, the more I realize that the type of people they are- are the ones that only give to expect in return. They do not care about my time and caring ways, its like I have not value to them. I have never felt so distant from them, until now. On top of it all, my grandma might have cancer, so i will have to deal with their disguisting ways. Man, I am sooooooooo happy to have this site to rant on!!!! Life saver.

Thanks again guys.

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I’m sure there is a part of him that feels threatened. The part that makes me very angry is how little he seems sorry for what he has done. I still dont feel that he truly gets what he has done to my life. he has traumatized our relationship forever. Ruined my trust to this day. I dont know how sometimes I find the strength to move on and forgive him. However, I find that when other things are bothering me, I get back to the stage in this battle where I start to hate him all over again. Why is that? It’s not fair I know…but its a terrible habit.

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Hey all!
You guys are amazing. I actually got a few laughs in there while reading your responses. These men are definitely not in a position to tell us who the sane one is and/or how to conduct ourselves around our children.

I should tell you guys where we are now. He came home yesturday and begged me to talk to him because I had been ignoring him since. He said please talk to me and talk however you want. I’m sorry I did not mean to offend you, I think you are a good mother. i guess what you guys said was correct. Distancing myself from him really does work. Actually, this is not the first time that I have used this approach and it has given me clarity. They always come back apologizing because we always have the upper hand.

I do get pulled in again and again. I am victim to this. I always fall for when he apologizes, but its because i choose not to live my life in resentment and anger. I fear what it will drive me to do and what kind of mother it will make me. I however, do not live in an alternate reality. i am very aware of his miscummings and always ask him about it when I feel I need a status update. I am giving this relationship a chance because I do love this man- no he does not deserve me, but I love him. I cant change how I feel even though sometimes I wish I could.

I could not have got through that without venting to you all. thank you for being there for me. Remember…there’s always “hope”.

-Hope

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stacy,

I am really happy for you. It seems that you have a plan. In our situation, a plan is a dream really. I can relate to some of what you have said. My husband just asked if i wanted him to fold the laundry. This is not something that he used to ask. He is definitely much more helpful, sensitive, willing to listen. He does have much more areas to grow. But, if there is one thing that i have learned from this entire ordeal is that i am not perfect. I think we can all relate with this. Once we all choose to forgive, we move towards looking within. I’m not saying we need to be in these situations to review ourselves, but it is one good thing that comes of this (not many).

Try to keep staying positive stacy, remain open for change both within yourself and within your relationship.

Wishing all the best for everyone!
Hope

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