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Liza that statement meant I have never met a man who has not betrayed me….my father, every boyfriend or male friends since childhood…I don’t trust the gender… that doesn’t mean I don’t want a relationship with one…. I also hold a grudge forever and don’t forgive easily, that doesn’t make his life any better, but who cares how he feels.
My husband also knows I hold his secrets and the paperwork to destroy him in his children and family and neighbors eyes. To him reputation is everything.
His problems snowballed after his parents died and the two people he still felt he had to answer to where gone.
If he screws up I will leave and take more than money with me, his standing in the community and life will be tarnished…..maybe revenge seems petty, but everyone will know why I left. But, he knew that when he agreed to treatment and a condition of my staying here. There will be no more chances…….AS I write this is sounds like I am really unhappy and hate him, but I don’t, that is how screwed up this crap is.
Have everyone of your men lapsed at some point???? If so I am just biding my time and covering my butt.
I have just have a hard time believing he can turn off the compulsion that easy. He was doing the Adult Friend Finder thing and online sex talk for years before and after he met me. I just wonder if they trade computer porn for other forms of porn. We are going on a long time in the car this weekend and I’m going to probe him.
I monitor once in a while now , but he knows its there, some of you say your men do it anyway knowing that….I have never trusted any man fully……..he is a man after all : /
My only dealing i have ever had with a therapist was when i was 15 and turned my father in for molesting me. ( my two older sisters were too) The court required counseling. Basically the therapist told me i was lucky he just fondled me and talked sexually to me and didnt sleep with me. Yeah that’s what i needed to hear : / 2 sessions and done….no wonder im screwed up : ) That is why i am doubting any sucess.
My H says he has told me everything, I tell him he is going to take a lie detector test and it better be all or i’m gone. So that will be his choice and on hi if he flunks it. I caught him crying in his lounge chair yesterday early am. He said between personal stress and work he is freaking out. He CREATED his own personal stress and I’m glad he is finding himself upset and thinking and crying everyday at random about this situation. He says on on one hand he is angry this all happened (what me catching him?) and on the other excited to figure out why he does what he does . Getting into a therapist has been hard. The firxt place waned him in inpatient treatment immediately. But we can’t afford a month off work. Monday is his appointment with another therapist and he said he is excited on one hand and scared on the other. I know its finally hitting him, yesterday i saw where he was researching sex addition and therapies. I have software on the computer and it’s the 1st time since this started he has looked stuff up on the subject. He has been avoiding using the computer all together. Like many of you, th minutre i start feeling sorry for him i think of him soliciting sex with strangers on the computer on my last visit out of town to visit my disabled daughter when he was “too busy” to come and him texting me he loved me and missed me and couldn’t sleep without me. He is a liar. I only trust him when i’m in a room with him. What they don’t realize is how they change US in this process.
I always thought my H had a weird way of describing people. Exampe: Me: Did you meet Joe’s wife. What is she like.
Him: Short, no chest brown hair. Or …big boobs, big ass, blonde hair. Never did he say she was pleasant or nice or friendly. I told him that was not normal. He also IMO has odd taste in women, which i admit is giving me doubt on my own looks and self esteem. He likes fat big, big ass, huge breasted, blonde ugly women. Woman people make fun of in the mall type women. Creeps me out.This has been a roller coaster ride for me. We had a very unconventional dating life, but we were both into it. We both have high sex drives and came out of long sexless (with the spouse) marriages. We did meet for lunch and then have sex in lots of “public” places we could have been caught. Public bathrooms, parks, vehicles, cemeteries. Even married we do things like that. It was fun and exciting. Kept things fresh. But for me it’s normal as long as IT IS WITH ME…I knew he was on “adult Friendfinder” when we met, so was I just looking. … I quit the site and thought he did too. He never did. So, I know the pull that place has what it is. If he wanted to just sleep with other women, why did he marry me and go thru this charade for 5 years? He was single and free to do whatever. He says he tried to stop and just kept going back. I believe nothing he says really, but he thinks i do. Morals mean everything to me in a relationship and he’s pushing me hard.
Has anyone stayed and had a great marriage come later……….if not I’m at a loss……… I was molested as a child by my father, was married to the most verbally and emotionally abusive man for 22 years and finally get the courage to leave and i end up with this………..fml
The problem I am having is that I loved my life. It was going just how I wanted on the surface. We spend most of our time together when i am not working. We travel and hang out, ride motorcyles and talk. I trusted him completely and he was never mean or hurtful and our sexlife amazing. But everytime i left town or went to work, i now see he was planning activities and plotting and viewing porn. I have read all the emails, pried what confessions I could and am still trying to figure it out. He says he knows it’s wrong and doesn’t like how it makes him feel, but he has no idea why and he wants to know. After a past lie came back to haunt him, things stared to nag at me. IN the end i installed eblaster spyware and caught him. I am married to someone i have to redefine. Knowing i will never give him full trust again, is something i don’t know if i can live with. I took off my wedding ring and told him it was a symbol of a fake relationship and will never wear that ring again.
We are actively seeking a therapist now and a short inpatient program he can go to in a month or two….our livelyhood is farming and this is the worst time of course. He SEEMS like he is serious about getting help, but he has lied for 5 years everyday in one way or another. We will see, and I will stay if it is an illness, but if it’s a choice I am gone.
