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Yes! last night I was thinking how you never use to hear about this stuff… But god knows it was going on. Sometimes I get in this mode as well. I am tired of studying, reading, debating, discussing trying to understand blah blah blah. I don’t have good experiences with addicts. My Mom lost her life, My friends (2) committed suicide, My brother a crack addict for many years got clean but I recently found out he dabbles with it on occassion. I get fed up with this crap. My goal is to help myself. I don’t want a Masters Degree in Sex Addiction.
I have done this myself. I say How could you do this to me? I am thinking about my mothers alcohol addiction? Am I to say that she loved her alcohol more than she did me? She knew she had a problem and she didn’t stop. The addiction took her. But I distanced myself from her when she was actively drinking because it hurt me. My husband has the shame guilt thing going on…A very wise woman 26 years sober told me shame and guilt are useless emotions that they keep you stuck in your pattern. Hmmm but in my mind sometimes I hope the shame and the guilt slows him down. But I am not kidding myself about that either.
Cindy you have a tremendous gift. I am in awe of your thoughts and the way you make them come to life. Love this post.
It is hard enough to deal with them and their crap. It is even harder when they hurt our children. I am deeply saddened when I hear about the kids dealing with this.
I am sorry that you are dealing with his pathetic shit. I have taken many steps March for many years. You don’t know my husband. You know your husband. You know what you have read from other woman. Not every guy with a sex addiction is a cold hearted son of a bitch from hell that does these things on purpose. My husband is not lying to me 24/7 and he is not playing me. Yes he has lied to me and like you I find that to be the hardest hurdle. Lies and Betrayal. He has lied to cover his addiction. Like an alcoholic hiding his booze in the closet. He doesn’t lie to me because he is out to get me. He lies because some part of him knows he’s doing something wrong, knows that I’m not going to like it. But the compulsion is there. Like anyone I go through the process disbelief, anger, denial, sadness. I can not hide behind those feelings for long it does nothing to help me. I write my words to help myself and maybe somebody else. It serves Deb if she thinks it and shares. Doesn’t mean I or you agree with every word but I choose to let her know the parts I agree with. You don’t get to direct comments at me that are hurtful and bow out.
Deb- Self Preservation. Everybody looks at things differently. If those thoughts help you then kudos. For me what you are saying is It’s Not Me. I didn’t cause it. You didn’t cause it. And yes for some men it’s any hole anywhere. They are mentally ill very sick. If we get stuck in our rage and bitterness we are not focusing on the main issue. I liked your analogy.
The first time I found out was about 20 years ago. He had been away on business. I found a phone number in his pocket. It said “Leslie” I called the number I was shaking so bad. I talked to her. She told me how they met in a bar. He told her he was divorced. She then proceeded to tell me how the rubber broke and she was worried about getting pregnant. I stayed in touch with her until I found out she wasn’t pregnant. There have been other times and for me each time I found something out it was like the first time. The same shock, the shaking, sick to my stomach gut wrenching heartache.
Teri, I am sorry that your going through all this. I believe that you are an awesome Mom and Great Role Model. Breathe….Vent…Breathe and Bev hurry up with the voodoo doll.
Hugs,KathyI agree with the ladies you should get out now while you are young before the baby is born. I’m not sure I would tell him either I think you should leave while he’s at work or away. All of these woman have walked this path and lived this nightmare. Listen to them. This has affected your life and sadly know matter how hard you try it will affect your childs life if you continue to live with him. I know it’s hard ,it hurts, and it’s scarey but it will only get worse. Save yourself and your child.
Diane- How I know those feelings. Karen said it. I am in between somewhere. Where many of the sisters have been where many still are. Today I am working on not monitoring him. This is for me. It has made me crazy. I am however addicted to this site.. Take Care, Kathy
That is very sad. You do not need to apologize. You said what you wanted and so did I. I appreciate the disclosure above.
Oh and the two types of dudes? I have often thought about this. What if he smacked me around? What if he was verbally abusive and mean constantly? Would I leave? My mother use to drill it in my head that if a man hits you once he will do it again and/or he will hit your children. You need to leave that relationship immediately were her words. My biological father (who I met once) had hit her and my brother on more than one occasion. I grew up with that knowledge and a sense of sadness and guilt from a very early age.
Wow is right. Karen that is a spectacular post and I will read it over and over again because it means so much to me. The wisdom behind these words is so appreciated. I told my counselor last night that he needs to keep repeating the things that he tells me because sometimes they dont’ stick right away or they slip away in moments of crisis. He knows that. I will read Karens post over and over. Courtney I needed that thanks. I am sorry that we all have to be here. xxoo
To me the word Blech was not helpful and had no value to the words I had written. Just like “He’s so fucking gay”. I know I can’t make him get well he has to do it for himself. All I can do is try to make myself well. I do that for myself by joining groups like this and reaching out. I go to counseling and I read whatever I can on the subject. But I am obviously not leaving him. That’s not to say that I will never leave. It has been 20 plus years but there have been long periods of time in between when he was not acting out. We have a long history, lots of great moments and some bad.
Bev, There isn’t anyone who could convince me that I am not likable or valued as a human being. I am grateful for the person that I am. I love it that I have saved and helped so many abused neglected animals, it makes me feel good. I am proud of that my heart goes out to all animals that are suffering and that I have tried to make a difference in this fucked up world. I am not a crazy cat lady.Although I do like animals more than I do people. I am proud of the fact that I have been a loving supportive ear to many elderly people where I work even though it is not my job to do that. I am a bookkeeper. I am proud of all the work I have done in counseling over the years to heal the wounds and damage that people have done to me and the things I’ve done to myself. I like the fact that I can’t sit here and not feel sorry for myself. I love that I can reach out to others and tell them my story I am not afraid. I love that I make people laugh. I am attractive and smart. I am nobodys Sexual Super Hero well..except my own. Bev, It is not about my lack of self esteem…I also love that I am going to say this…March wtf???
Thank You!! She is home doing well. I am okay…The H and I had a conversation a long one. It was better than usual but I know all of this crap will probaly happen again. But I was happy the tension and anger had subsided. He made no promises. He never does. March what is Blech? Sorry I am not up on all the lingo and code yet…I hope that you are all well and finding serenity today.
All is quiet. No fights. Very little conversation. I was told I was Codependant 20 plus years ago. I believe I read that book. One of my cats Rosie is having surgery today. I have 9 cats. I am a rescuer of strays and ferals. I am sure this comes as no surprise to any of you. Anyways she is special to me so I am less concerned about him today. The H however put his head in my lap last night. I just sat there which is a change for me as normally I would snuggle back. If I haven’t said it THANK YOU to everyone for being here for me.
I do love this guy but it has been many years of this and I have been to crazyland and back. Did I ever tell you guys that I once had a conversation on the phone with one of his stripper friends (20 years ago). She threw it in my face that she had icecream with him and my daughter who was what 1 1/2 years old. I felt the blood drain out of my face..and told her that if she ever went near my kid again I would put a gun to her head and pull the trigger. I still think about that how crazed I was. Yes I am scared. I hate to be alone. I don’t know why. I am laughing at myself as I say that. He will not get help ladies.