laststraw76

It’s all so ridiculous. The things I’ve allowed. The things I’ve put up with. A few months in to my relationship with my husband, when he said although he didn’t like “labels”, I was the only one he was seeing. Well he left out a notebook with the screennames of at least 100 women. He would chat with them on AOL, back when that was popular. A lot of the women had “BBW” in their name, I was 22 and naive and I didn’t even know what that was. I found out it stood for Big Beautiful Women. Now, I wasn’t big at all so I was confused. I went online and pretended to be him. I talked to some of them. Then I told them it was me, his girlfriend. I said, just please tell me if he wanted to meet you? They all said he begged to meet them. I confronted him. He said it was just play, fantasy, no big deal. He would stop. He never would meet them! That day I forgave him. I made a mistake.

Fast forward, we bought a house, got married, had kids, not necessarily in that order. I never suspected him of anything. I really didn’t. He went to work, didn’t drink, never went out without me really. He was a bastard in a lot of other ways, but I wasn’t concerned about cheating. I trusted him.

Then he started telling me about fantasies he wanted to me live out. All of the fantasies included me having sex with someone another man and then coming home to him. When I have sex, I need to actually like the other person, to have feelings for them. He wanted me to have sex with strangers. Unprotected sex with strangers no less. I was miserable. It was all he could talk about. He couldn’t and wouldn’t have sex with me unless he talked about it. I decided I would pretend. I would go out and say I was picking someone up, but then come home and say I failed. I got to go out with my friends (which he never liked). I also started drinking when I went out. I was drinking a lot. But my failures kept adding up and then he got pissed. I couldn’t get someone to fuck me? So one night I went out and did it. I got so very drunk so that I could actually do it. I went home and I never made my husband so happy. But I was sick. I was broken. I was losing my soul. I hated it. I pretended to like it because it made him happy, but inside I was dying. I hated myself more than I ever had. I got to the point where I was suicidal. I couldn’t do it anymore. That was the end of it, but he was angry.

Fast forward to where he wouldn’t have sex with me at all. He works nights and was always so tired. He didn’t touch me ever. This is when I got a gut feeling. I checked that old email account from 13 years ago and sure as shit, it was the same user name and password. I almost wish I never looked. There it was. He was chatting with all kinds of women. I pretended to be him again. I said, so how long has it been since we spoke? One girl said, Oh silly, we spoke Wednesday! I was so worked up for you… I wanted to throw up. I also saw that he had responded to craigslist ads for sex and was a member of various affair dating sites and BBW personal sites. I confronted him again. How dare I check on him! It’s no big deal, just fantasy. I was bored. Just looking. It doesn’t mean anything. I love you he says. I want to believe, but I can’t. I obsessively begin my search. I check every gross dating site there is. He’s a member of all of them. More than 20, maybe more than 30. In his profiles, he says “the bigger the girl the better…he wants to pamper and please them” He never wanted to please me. It was all about him. I confront him again. He says how dare I ACCUSE him. He can’t live like this!
I answer an ad on craigslist I know he posted because I still have his secret email account. I pretend to be a big girl. I get him to agree to meet “me” for sex. My friend drove to the location where we were to meet and sure enough he was there. He said he knew it was me the whole time when I confronted him.

How much more evidence did I need to leave? What the hell did I need him to do to me before I could go? What is wrong with me???? Why am I allowing this to happen?