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Oh Natale, what a terrible situation, but at least you have found out before it went any further.
I’m sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.
Stay strong.
Lynne
xxOh Jos, it would be fab to meet up sometime. This is such an isolating situation. I’m heading down to London at the beginning of November. If you are free, perhaps I could take a little detour? Lynne
Teri, I’m so sorry that the relative calm you had found without him is already gone.
It’s hard (and I struggle to follow my own advice) but I think that your best bet is to keep working on detaching. When you can laugh at the time he has wasted writing his “War and Peace” emails, you’ll know you are making progress.
In the meantime, I love Lisa’s suggestion!!
Lauren, what you said there is huge to my mind:
“In NA and AA, if you use, you have made an error and are back to day zero of your recovery. Apparently in SA it appeared to be ok to have a “slip” if you were still working your program.”
It’s the toleration of slips that is a huge part of the problem with SAA. If you’re trying to give something up, failing is failing. Not a “slip”.
Hello and welcome. I am so sorry to read about the reasons that have brought you here, but you will find wisdom and acceptance in this place.
Take good care of yourself.
LynnePam, I just wanted to send you a hug. You often seem so strong and together in your posts – when you are used to being a strong, coping person it can be hard to feel so vulnerable and grieving.
It is often tempting to do things as a family for the kids. In doing so, we often forget our own feelings.
Be good to yourself today.
The whole attachment disorder connection makes a lot of sense to me. My SAH was adopted (by a very loving family) and this has given him an attachment issue (which he’s kind of aware of). He struggled to initiate sex within our marriage in real life because of a fear of rejection (though his online fantasy persona seemed to do ok!). He is passive/aggressive (which we’ve discussed), lies compulsively and struggles with intimacy.
He’s a loner who does not seem to be able to make connections with people, even when they have shared interests. Over the years, I have tried to help him with this (as has his mum and sister). It was kind of exhausting as he would never really pick up the ball and run with it.
It’s as though being married and having a family unit to hide in meant he could shut out the outside world and indulge his need to secure his dopamine high through porn, escalating to interactive online sex chats (complete with videos and pics of his bits!!). And beyond? Who knows!
Is it an addiction? I’m no expert, but I don’t think it’s an addiction. I think it’s his (very twisted) way of being. Where does that leave me? Kicking myself for thinking I could change him through love and support. Realising that it will take years of therapy for him to become anything like a functioning human being.
Deb, it’s some kind of classic car rally. This is how I know he’s just feeding his fantasy world. In his online fantasy he’s a star quarterback living in 50’s America.
Gotye (with Kimbra), “Somebody That I Used To Know” – it resonates because the two singers are seeing their break up from such different perspectives.
Ironically, for our wedding he chose “Sweeter Than You” for our first dance, which includes the lyrics “So if you say you love me forever I’ll be true”…
Lynn, He is a loser, but you are so strong. That you did not even need to look at the contacts, but could simply delete them and see him for what he is shows your strength.
Keep moving forward, away from his chaos and need for control.
When I reflect on the past two years (post-Couples Counselling, pre-latest discovery), the big red flag waving that his “recovery” was fake was his lack of engagement in our relationship. He went through the motions, but there was definitely something lacking. All the bits of the jigsaw fell in to place when I found the emails, naked pics, and chat messages on the family laptop.
You are not wrong for wanting to check.
Thanks for all your support. What is it about society that we sometimes feel bad for being smart, successful women? I’ve worked hard to get where I am (while SAH has sat on the sofa watching reality TV and jerking off). And when the shit hits the fan, my success is part of the problem. His lazy-arsed ways are “just how he is”.
Sometimes I feel that I’m on top of it, but other times I feel that I’m hanging by my fingetips. It’s those times that the propaganda gets to me: SAH’s depressed and needs support – keeping the family unit together would be best for my son – if only I’d been more understanding/eager to please it wouldn’t have happened.
I know it’s all BS. He’s been lying to me and his family for years (about this and other stuff).
Today I’m making a resolution. I’m going to identify the people in my life who are as positive as you guys here and I’m going to spend more time in their company. I’m going to drop or minimise contact with the people in his camp. I need to spend less time thinking about him and more time caring for me.
There was talk of a goals group. If it gets going, I’ll post this commitment there so that I can hold myself accountable to it.
I know for sure mine didn’t. I installed tracking software on the laptop after the latest discovery. He has googled for car parts suppliers and looked at football scores. Not a single search related to “recovery” or a better understanding of his condition.
So far no inappropriate online activity, but I couldn’t get to his phone and it has only been 4 weeks (I think he knows he’s under close scrutiny).
Bev, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time. These guys are so detached from reality it’s untrue.
Wow, Teri, These counsellors seem to be part of the problem rather than part of solution. It must have felt very disempowering to be part of these sessions.
A punching bag? Really? I have limited experience of counselling, but that sounds bizarre to me.
And “the tone of your voice drove me to it” is pretty weak.
I think getting angry is the healthy response to the behaviour you were subjected to. Getting angry, getting out and getting even…
Big hugs,
LynneWhile I understand your reluctance to move your children, I worry that if you stay in your current home he will always see it as part his and play these mind-games. For that reason, I’d say that you should move if you can and establish a home that it just for you and the kids.
Thanks Bev.
I do think that mothers and sisters play a part when they don’t hold SAs accountable. My M-I-L thinks I should just be glad he’s not addicted to alcohol or gambling!!
Lynne
Thanks, Teri.
It does feel as if she’s making me out to be unreasonable. The emotional part of me wants to send her over some of the videos he made of himself wanking or some of the pics with the cum artfully arranged on his thigh that he sent to his sex chat buddies, but then my logical side kicks in and I realise that would be overstepping the mark.
I’m better than that. If he provokes a reaction like that, he wins.
Thank God for the safety valve of SOS!!
Lynne
At the moment, all I have discovered is porn and online sex chats. Although there were requests to meet in some of the emails I stumbled across, I have (as yet) no evidence that he acted out offline (though I’m not ruling it out).
Even though all I know so far is virtual, it does not hurt any less in terms of my marriage. It is energy expended elsewhere while I have been working at our relationship. It is deceit and dishonesty while we were undergoing couples counselling. It is a lack of effort to man up and engage in the relationship, retreating to his compulsion every time the going got tough or there was a perceived slight.
In my experience, sex addicts use couples counselling as a tactic. It’s just another play to keep up the front of a functioning marriage while they indulge their addiction.
Having been round the couples counselling loop a couple of years ago, it is pointess for sex addicts. Fundamentally, they lie. They sit in counselling, look the counsellor and spouse in the eyes and lie. So how can couples counselling ever be effective?
My SAH only went to couples counselling because I found out his sordid little secret. He didn’t want to be there but, by going through the motions, he kept me sweet. I now know his behaviour never changed, despite all his assurances in couples counselling.
Welcome to SOS, Blessed. You sound incredibly strong to have got this far in your journey.
This is a tremendous place to find strength and hope when the going gets tough, to rant when anger and frustration overtake you, and to open your heart when you need the love and support of sisters who understand. I joined only 3 weeks ago and have already found it to be a huge source of comfort and information.
Love & hugs,
LynneAs a newbie, I have found the encouragement, understanding and acceptance at SOS invaluable. I have benefitted tremendously from the experiences of longer-term members (often hard won). Because you have so freely shared your wisdom and knowledge, I have learned so much about the games SAHs play (forewarned is forearmed) and the layers of deception they build. I have been able to develop strategies to keep myself and my son safe while I work through the immense changes in my life.
In a world which downplays men’s bad behaviour, it has been comforting for me to find a group that truly understands the hurt and devastation resulting from the discovery that I am married to a sex addict.
Thank you all!
My first red flag came as we were organising our wedding (believe it or not). I found a risque email seeking some female company. When I challenged him, he explained it away as a joke brought on by the stress of wedding planning. Stupidly, I believed him and the wedding went ahead.
There followed the odd marital discussion about how I didn’t like him looking at porn on the PC. Each time, I thought he stopped using it (I guess he just got smarter about clearing caches and flying under the radar, with the odd small slip).
Then the first big discovery – sex chats on Messenger. He agreed to couples counselling and went through all the motions. Again, stupidly, I believed him. By this time we had a son, so I think I heard and saw what I wanted to hear and see.
Now, here we are again. Three years later. Same old sh*t. Looks like he barely took a few months off after the couples counselling (if he stopped at all) from what I’ve found so far. He just changed his email adress and used in cognito browsing.
I should have guessed about his alternative interests from his general lack of engagement in any family activities and lack of physical contact with me, but I just put that down to him being a self-absorbed passive-aggressive.
The minute I found this latest batch, I confronted him. It’s only now that I realise that his behaviour is an addiction / compulsive. I wish I’d been more patient and gathered more evidence (though I did manage to save plenty on to a USB, which I’ll be passing to my lawyer if he gets difficult about the separation / custody). At the moment I am left wondering how far it went. I wish I’d held it together long enough to get a key logger installed while he was still using the family PC for his SA activities (ho hum, the benefits of hindsight).
On the previous occasions the red flags of SA were there, but I heard what I wanted to hear instead of trusting my gut, which was telling me something was wrong. I let my SAH make excuses rather than pressing for answers, which might have revealed the addiction before now.
