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Don’t take the bait. Delete the text. Block his cell #. Change your number. Cut your losses and IGNORE him. He will drain you of your energy in any form — don’t let him. If you ignore him he will go away and look for another victim (and never change) if you respond….you’re on the SA line and he’ll just keep dragging you thru the manipulation mud.
According to the domestic abuse stats, abused women try to leave at least 10x before they get out….some die trying. You are an abused woman. We all are/were. You are sleeping with the enemy. Make a list of what you need to feel safe about an exit and then get those things in order. He will kick you on your way out the door in an effort to bully you into staying. Run, don’t walk to the nearest exit, and start living your life abuse free. EVERYTHING he says is a lie or a manipulation. What would you tell your daughters if they came to you with the story you came to us with. Get out. ASAP.
Let him show you how sober he is after the divorce. Give him a year to “win you back.” You will soon realize what we all know…what we all had was not love. It was lust masquerading as like. He all ready stole 28 years of your life. Don’t let him steal anymore. Keep walking out the door. You are doing the right thing!
Girlie: don’t waste time beating yourself up with would a should coulda’s! You were targeted and groomed to behave the way he wanted you to react and to believe that “he always wins.” He is a Master Manipulator, but his addiction makes him weak and vulnerable. Wait a few weeks and then set your alarm to wake up at 5am. Find his phone. REMOVE THE BATTERY or TURN IT OFF so he can’t trace it. Hide it in a box of tampons until you can get it out of the house. Then sit back and enjoy the Withdrawal Show. Present it to your Attorney when you are ready to file. Start slowly, at your own pace, to make copies of important documents (tax returns, life insurance beneficiary page, retirement accounts, pay stubs) Stock pile cash one $20 at a time. You need to prepare for the war ahead, and feel as ready/strong as possible. When you are ready to file, stop sleeping with him, refuse to sleep with him, call the police if he tries to rape you and then wait for him to file, if he doesnt–file yourself and remember you have to labor in order to be born into your new safe sane SA free life! Keep posting and keep reading. These SOS women know their shit and you CAN trust them!!!!
Touche Nap! IMO trying to figure him out is a shock stage symptom. Skip shock and go right to anger!
Handyman is hilarious and true! His name is Andy – Handy Andy. Whenever I see his hands now, I want to puke. 🙂 So true Terri (good liar) Excellent at deception!! :)))
I thought this was going to be a thread about us….how to not date a sex addict! 🙂 I am very sad for my children as well and would rather forgo grandchildren than have them marry the wrong person and divorce like me. Maybe we should just reassure them that if they want to use a sperm bank or adopt that we will offer the spousal support that they’d never get from a guy who counts “dates till sex.”. Religious dating sites have better dating material, I hope!!
He will not leave until you stop serving as his Source of Narcissistic Supply and as his Cover Story. Even then he will not leave until he finds someone else to live off of emotionally and sexually. If he does leave, change the locks and document that he abandoned you, the kids and the house. This is to your advantage in court. Make a list of what you need to feel safe about getting out safely and start checking it off.
s long as I don’t have to use polygraph to get in or answer Psych Eval questions I will love anything you do JoAnn!
LOL! I was looking for an appraisal I had done of his $20K baseball cards because he is now accusing me of “prolifigate” spending in divorce court. I found a bag of love letters I wrote to him during our 6 month court ship. (None from him.) Gag & Vomit. I barely got through them. I will be able to attach a few to my Anullment Petition. I am with Bev and the rest – the longer you research and live with SA the more you realize that they are Con Men through and through for lots of reasons/personality disorders you had nothing to do with. A Con Man can’t survive on a bad reputation….so that’s their only motivation to protect their fake false self and to create new ones. I could spot the con a mile away now, but there are so few men who are con-free….that’s the depressing part for us non-Lesbians! Anger and bitterness is the fuel you need to get yourself out of the trauma so you can heal. I bet NAP’s Teacher has finally healed. It’s hard to heal when the trauma is ongoing. We need a funeral calendar on SOS so we can all come and celebrate First Wives Club style when these abusers finally die or get arrested for child porn! 🙂
I love my SOS family! Thank you for the great supportive advice! I hope SAndy doesn’t trigger me on one of eval days …then I would definitely be what Bev wrote: angry & bitter. I think having a friend with benefits before my eval might help — it’s been 3 years. 😀 Does the trauma side ever heal?
How about a divorce syllabus with the areas that vary by state and guidelines on how to navigate the divorce process??
First my exN testified that he was a sex addict, then he told the Judge he had an attachment disorder, now he has admitted in Discovery that he has “sexual health issues.” Narcissist, Sociopath, Con Man.
They don’t know how to do anything but lie and gaslight. Truth so rarely triumphs. I would like to start a Funeral of Support & Celebration Group so we can all attend our exN (ex Narcissist – SA is a symptom of Narciscm) funerals and CELEBRATE good times, come on! ~Kool & The Gang 🙂
Very helpful, as usual ladies, thank you! Teri – you’re line about their SA lie “I”m in recovery; she can’t get past it” is dead on. I’m divorcing: “I’m cured. She’s unforgiving.” People don’t want to believe they’re as bad as they are…which is why their con works.
I think the porn/masturbation is an addiction but I agree with Bev – they are basically Con Men who call themselves sex addicts when they finally get caught. You can’t watch that much porn and have respect for women. I hope your Pre-Divorce Financial Order was reviewed by your Attorney Bev, otherwise he’s just biding his time until he knows he can con you again. You think these bastards are hard to live with? Wait until you try to divorce them! Beat them at their own game – lie to them, sleep with them do whatever it takes to buy time to prepare for your exit. Collect dirt on them to black mail them – encourage them to drink and drive….the more money they make the more they will beat you up in divorce court. But nothing is as satisfying as saying no to a Narcissist and meaning it. Best boundary ever!
Shattered Dreams – Stick with that group of girlfriends and dump your SA. They never get better, they just get better at lying. The longer you stay with an SA the uglier you’ll feel. SA destroys everything it comes in contact with!
I hope you went Teri. Bev is right. You are in Civil Court not Criminal Court. Worst case scenario you are: violating the temporary Order. As long as you tell him where you are/how you can be reached and when you will be back you are not breaking any laws. Wait until the last hour and email the info to your exN/SA and bcc your Attorney. Then turn your phone off and enjoy. These Bastards are all about Power & Control. I pray they all die quickly…very painful deaths or better than that: penile cancer!
I will be changing my name back to my maiden name. I know that he will continue to bottom out and Zi don’t want anything to do with him or his name.
Hello Lovely Strong Ladies! 🙂 I’m baaaaack! He was court ordered to move out in March of 2015 and waited until the move out deadline 6/15/13 to move out. I had a small repreive from the battle as he set up his sex shack elsewhere – but Hurricane SAndy has been hitting me hard! I knew I had to come back into this ocean of support for the strength for the final leg! Final Trial is set for 1/28/14 & 1/29/14. Psych Evals are next on the agenda. It’s been BRUTAL…but as bad as it is, it’s still better than being married to a sex addict!! Go see Son Jon!! Love to you all! Using my real first name and part of my old “handle” ~Mary Reddy xo
