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Wow. Ladies, not only do I commend you for leaving, I can’t believe you made it out with your sanity! Those stories are eye opening. It’s unbelievable just how awful thus stuff can get.
It’s also very clear why you caution those of us who are just beginning this journey.
If my husband had done any one of those things, he’d be divorced so fast his head would spin. If he had ever tried to blame me for this in any way, I’d be gone.
Y’all are some strong women!
Daisy, thanks for your post. I’m not trying to diss anyone, especially anyone who has good though this mess!
Clearly, I haven’t seen anyone posting positive stuff. I guess I just haven’t read enough yet. I don’t believe the site is too negative at all. It’s just the reality, and I get that. have no interest in sugar coating anything.
My only a real point is that the site is, rightly so, geared toward the recovery of the partner. That’s a critical resource, and I don’t blame you for being protective of it! I just mae the point that it doesn’t seem geared towards recovery of the couple. It’s just an observation of a newby, not a criticism.
I think pumpkin is definitely really sensitive (who isn’t in the early stages of this nightmare), and maybe took some really good advice as criticism. I saw people offing her advice on how to have more options open. Not telling her she should do anything necessarily.
Everyone has a unique situation. All SAs have some major stuff in common. But they aren’t all the same. Those in last stages of addiction have altered their begin chemistry to the extent that they aren’t capable of a real marriage. Not all SAs have engaged in the same activities. Partners have different l limits to want they choose to move past.
For many (probably most) there is no possibility of moving on from this to have a real relationship. I respect that, and fully realize I may soon be one of those.
To continue in this relationship, I require complete abstinence of all SA behaviors, not just “acting out”. That includes lying, SA thinking, jacking up priorities, etc. If he can’t do that, I’m done. I won’t stay in a relationship with an active addiction present. If I can’t get to a place where I can have a real relationship with him, I’m not interested.
Will he deliver on what I’ve asked? Realistic odds are no. If he does, can I really move past what he did? I don’t knew yet. I do know that it’s my decision to find that out for myself.
* I should say, my husband’s acting out behaviors were kind of limited, comparatively speaking. He did not ever move on to having sex with someone. (i know. I didn’t believe it either. He’s passed Pollux, and I’ve scrubbed every device he had access to for info. He didn’t.) Had that happened, I would not be capable of continuing this.
I understand the rage and anger towards the SA. We all feel that.
There is a place between blind hope and no hope. It’s reasonable and acceptable to choose to live there for a minute while you consider next steps. I think what pumpkin is saying is that those of us in that place could use a supportive shoulder, too. We look for an objective sounding board, when navigating a really scary experience. I haven’t found anything like that.
I read here to get *A* perspective. It’s important for me to hear these real life stories of people who’ve been where I am. But this IS just one perspective. It’s no less extreme, in my opinion, than those selling “hopium.”
I would suggest that there are no “success” stories here not because they NEVER happen, but because they aren’t really welcome.
I understand that completely, and there’s nothing wrong with that. This is really a group for partners of sex addicts who have left (either totally or emotionally) their relationship, and are seeking recovery for themselves alone. Very valuable.
But it is not a place to discuss recovery of the couple for sure. I think in that sense, pumpkin is right.
I think when everything is fresh, many addicts feel an aversion to acting out again. I believe my husband does see the immense pain he caused me. I know not all SAs can see that, but some can. That doesn’t make him “better,” it’s just one aspect that happens to be true for him. Beause of that, he does WANT to be done with it. He freely admits that he doesn’t think that it will be “easy” for long. Right now the shock and pain of coming clean and facing his demons is so real and fresh, he can’t imagine going through it all again or putting someone else through it again.
He doesn’t say he’s “cured” by any stretch. He is doing all of his recovery stuff, and says he will continue. He just says that right now, he doesn’t feel an urge to act out.
Frankly, I’ve wondered if he’s just telling himself that. If he really does feel the urge, but pushes it away and then rationalizes that it wasn’t REALLY an urge. I don’t know. I’m not sure that really matters? I’m pretty sick of trying to figure out what goes on in his head.
This is all such a confusing mess. I don’t know what to think.
I am real. I know exactly where my lines are, and am prepared to walk (well kick HIM out) if he crosses it. I know IF recovey works for him, I still have to determine if I can live with the fact that he did this stuff, and may do it again. I don’t know because I haven’t been there yet. I’m not sure I know what sober looks like, so I can’t make an informed decision if I want to live with it or not yet. If he doesn’t stick with recovery and remain sober, the choice is made already. If he does stay sober, then I’ve got some hard decisions to make.
Regardless, I’m just not ready to make that decision now. I need to give it a shot, even if it is only a one in a million chance.
The basis for calling it addiction is that he felt extreme guilt over it, and vowed to himself to never go back. But he did. 10 times in two years. Definitely compulsive. He also engaged in some screwy thinking to allow himself to go back. “Ill just get a massage this time. I will decline the hand job.” ugg.
Keep in mind this was a legitimate, upscale massage parlor in a very wealthy area. No all night neon signs here. Some of the girl’s were doing “extra” for the customer’s. Not sure if it was with or without the knowledge of the establishment.
Anyway, I had asked him about the massages. The place is staffed by non English speaking Asian women. I actually made a joke about happy endings, never thinkingg for a minute that I had nailed it. He also got a text from one of the therapists there to confirm an appointment. I thought that was a little odd, and did make me a bit suspicious. I guess it was that gut thing – I had no real reason to believe it was really happening. I mentioned that I was uneasy. He blew it off that day saying (of course) he would never do such a thing.
About two days later, he came to me and told me that he had gotten hand jobs at this place. At first he said it was only two. That number slowly grew over the next couple of weeks.
Believe me, right up until he passed the poly, I thought he was probably only telling me part of it. I was scared to death.
I’ve really wondered if he is really an addict. Though I think it’s almost whose if he’s not and kept doing it!
Bev, I go back and forth on whether I think it’s a disease. I often wonder if he just did it because he wanted to and thought he would get away with it. His conscience got the better of him and he confessed it to me, but that doesn’t help me much.
There’s no way to know for sure if they’ll stay sober and I get that. There’s also no way to know if a guy who isn’t an SA will ever cheat.
Like you, I don’t forgive him yet. I’m not sure if I ever will, but if he doesn’t stay sober, that’s not really a question that I have to answer. I’ll worry about that when we get to a year or more of sobriety. I THINK I can forgive IF he stays in recovery and doesn’t engage in any of the abusive behaviors (not just the acting out, but the lying and gaslighting and all of that, too). I have a zero tolerance policy and he knows it.
I’m also an IT engineer. Just about everything you do leaves an elctronic trail, and I’m one of those people who can find it. I don’t want to waste my valuable time tracking him all of the time or anything like that, but if he’s screwing up, it’ll surface sooner rather than later, and I’ll take action based on that.
I think polygraphs are only as good as the person administering them.
It’s easy to pass a polygraph while lying if the polygrapher isn’t good. Also, if they are sociopathic, they can pass with any polygrapher because they don’t register a lie. Essentially, you have to have a consciencce for a polygraph to work.
My husband has taken one, and passed. I’m confident in the polygraph administrator, and believe I have the truth. I heavily researched the guy and his credentials. It was also done as part of an intensive.
I definitely understand it’s not smart not to have an exit plan. I’m entirely financially independent, and have worked out a divorce plan that will be put into action immediately if specific boundaries are violated. He will essentially get his clothes and a few furniture items and get out the door. No need to sell my house, change my lifestyle, etc.
I realize that relapse rates are very high. But it can’t be zero. I mean, even the most deadly, untreatable diseases have a spontaneous remission rate!
I wonder if the women who’s husbands do well just stop posting on support boards? Are there different “levels” of addicts?
I ask not to challenge the experiences here, but just to try to really understand what I’m up against from people who have been there.
My SAH went years without acting out. His acting out was limited to viewing porn for about 10-15 mins, 3x per week. Until the last two years where he went to a massage parlor that offered hand jobs. (It’s a really reputable place that you would NEVER expect to offer that type of service.) He went back about 10 times over the course of two years.
I had no idea the massage thing was happening (of course). Porn? Well, I was one of those wives who believed if they looked at it sometimes, but it didn’t interfere with their lives, it wasn’t that big of a deal. He actually never hid that from me.
Now I know just how damaging porn really is, and I’d never be ok with it.
We’ve been together for 8 years. He’s been a great husband and dad, who has always treated me well. With the VERY, VERY big exception of the massage parlors, that is.
I will give him a chance to change. I’ve not forgiven him or promised any type of reconciliation at this point. Only his actions will tell.
We go back for follow up polygraphs every three months for the first year.
I AM hopeful, but cautiously so. I will not stay in an abusive relationship (and that’s what SA is all about). He either changes or he leaves, period.
