movin_on

Married 12 years. Darn near sexless the entire time and in and out of couples counseling where he claimed “low libido” and I wondered if it was because of me. 3 years later, we were blessed with an unexpected child and the distance grew (I was thrilled, he wasn’t). I remember the day my son was conceived – one of the rare times I refused to take no for an answer. H was clearly struggling with the thought of being a father and finally admitted to me that it was because he was raped at 7. After all the lies he’s told me over the years, I don’t know if I believe this anymore. Sickens me to admit that, but true.

8 years ago, we moved 2,000 miles away from friends and family for a new career start for him. Ironically, five years later, I was the one kicking ass at my job while he gave up on our dream and returned to the same job he’d been doing before the move,

Sex became even less frequent (once in five years at last count) and his excuses continued. No revelations though counseling. 18 months ago, found out he had been sexting with neighbors, as well as a coworker. He also put himself in close physical proximity to them (alone) but swears nothing physical ever happened with any other woman. I stayed in the house for nine months trying to salvage the marriage, but I kept catching him acting out and it was taking a toll not only on my mental health, but also on my relationship with my 8 yo son. Did I mention my dad died during this time?! Good times…not.

So, I secretly secured a rental home in March with the intent to move in May – giving me plenty of time to get my ducks in a row. Right when I started getting cold feet about the move, I found his secret Hotmail account full of exchanges and porn from a woman he had met on Ashley Madison. Initially, he tried to deny it was his account…it was right there on his phone – i didn’t even have to press a button to get to it! Then he broke down crying about his sickness. The same weekend, one of the neighbor’s husbands told me that my husband had bought and shipped a phone to this guy’s wife the previous summer so they could sext undetected. He also sent me some handwritten notes and the pornographic commentary my husband had sent to the wife.

After I moved out, I read “your sexually addicted spouse…” and felt a disclosure under poly was the least he could do for me so i could know the whole truth (he SWEARS I found everything and that he was never physical with anyone, even on his frequent business trips). So I found a CSAT who could help us with all of this. We met with her, she explained the process – the online tests he’d take to assess how far gone his addiction is, writing out his disclosure and the poly. I was going to pay since I desperately wanted answers. After initially agreeing that it was the least he could do for me, he changed his mind. “Polygraphs are bullshit and inaccurate” “I’m not letting your spend a few grand on this since you already know everything.” Etc. I told him that was a deal breaker. So I went into divorce mode. He’s been, at turns, sorry, pissed off, threatening, still in love with me, hating my guts. But he will not relent on the poly. He has attended SA meetings on and off and has been going to therapy on and off. Never has he shared what he has learned or demonstrated any “a-has” to me. Now he says he’s done everything I asked but that “wasn’t good enough” for me so he’s no longer attending SA, he’s back on Facebook (where we’ve had trouble before) and he’s got a new membership on Cougarlife, Mingle and Datehokup.com (that’s all I have proof of, anyway). He still maintains its all for online “erotic chat” but knowing this is a progressive disease, I just can’t swallow that (so to speak).

My son wants us all to be together because, even when mom and dad fought, at least we were together. We are very alone out here – some friends, but it’s just not home. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier (on my son especially) if we called off the divorce and moved back in together. But I want that disclosure/poly, goddamnit!! Ugh!!