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Sharron I wish it were that easy. This is a work issued phone and his work handles everything on the billing etc. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t legally run off with the phone either since it is a work phone and not marital property. Grrrr.
Control and Power is right. My SAH has flat out said that what he gets off on is the Power and Control of making me do things he knows are repulsive to me.
Victoria~ I wish I could get into his phone to silence it but it’s got this crazy passcode lock on it. He’s gone to a lot of measures to keep me out of his phone.
I wouldn’t take a chance in a million years to sleep nude. I’de be going out and getting me some long sleeved zipper shut footed PJ’s, lol.
It’s so creepy that you brought this up though. I never knew there was a thing for this but the thought had crossed my mind before if my H may have thought/done something to this effect. A few weeks ago I awoke abruptly about 3 a.m. and got up to go to the bathroom. I was tired and groggy as I’ve been taking some sort of P.M. medication to sleep at night. On my way around the bed to go to the bathroom I thought I noticed him postured weird like reaching down to the floor on the side of the bed. My 1st thought was that he was looking at something or texting someone on his phone. When I came back to bed he seemed overly concerned about why I got up and if I was okay and feeling all right. This seemed even stranger to me which made me wonder if he was doing something to me just before I woke up. Maybe he was afraid he had been caught. God I need to get a hold of his SD card on his phone. He keeps it with him at all times. When he sleeps it like 8 inches from his head on the charger and it makes a loud beeping noise when connected or disconnected so he would hear it. Grrrr.
Good luck!
~Michelle~I can’t thank you gals enough for all your input and sharing.
I have moments of strength and clarity and moments of weakness. Your words all hang in the back of my head while I experience things with my H. It’s like your a little pile of angels on my shoulder waving your finger in the air and saying “Aw Noo He Didn’t?!” lol. Like last night when he stopped home on the way from work @ walmart to pick up a new mini SD card for his phone. The phone that he keeps locked and on him 24/7 even in the bathroom and shower. He claimed that he needed it to store more music but I KNOW what he is really storing on it. THEN, not to mention, I saw him do a handy little trick. He opens the phone and was messing with it for a few. When he went to put the cover on he took the extra mini SD card and placed it loosely inside his phone and snapped the case shut. That MFer thinks I so Fing stupid that I don’t know that he is just hiding his stash right there!!!
So he pulls that (which I said nothing, just noted) and then before bed he says “I’m sorry” I ask for what.. he says “for everything I have put you through sexually for the past 12 years. It was wrong and having a “normal” sexual relationship with you sounds very desirable and something that I want to have.” WTF!? That has to be one of the most retarded things to come out of his mouth. He would’t make a good play writer. That sounded sooooooo scripted and awkward.
Anyway, thanks again to you all for your replies. I will be sure to read them over and over 🙂 For now I’ll let him play his little game. Hopefully he will buy that I’m buying it and let his guard down to be easier to catch messing up.
Love an Hugs to all
~Michelle~{{HUGS}} I don’t even know what to say. All this is so insane and unbelievable. I can totally relate to the crazy making and I’m not even to the divorce part yet. (On the horizon but haven’t filed yet) Hang in there and keep strong. 🙂
~Michelle~Annabeggins mentioned how robotic his D was. I totally agree. It almost reminded me of the demeanor that the BTK Killer had on his televised disclosure of all his murders in the court room. I am convinced that there is some sociopathic traits that accompany these guys.
Go with your guts. I heard whispers from my gut here and there along the way. I kept choosing to ignore it because each little thing seemed easy enough to brush off. Collectively now it all makes sense to me and I haven’t even scratched the surface of what my H has done. He refuses disclosure or help.
Anyway, well wishes and healing for you. The sisters here are wonderful and have lot’s of good advice. I’m new and they have helped and encouraged me. It’s just so comforting to have a sounding board that actually can relate to what you are feeling and going through.
{{HUGS}}
~Michelle~I heven’t gotten any great advice but your are so right about the silent treatment. In the beginning I was giving my H the silent treatment and it drove him nuts. He kept following me around saying… if you really want me to go crazy just keep not talking to me. He can’t stand it.
~Michelle~
Oh Deb I’m so sorry. As if policing your SAH isn’t enough?? I don’t know. If it were me I would probably consider him bad news, cut him out of my life and not waste my energy on trying to find the truth. You have enough energy draining going on just trying to keep up with a SAH. But that’s just what I would do. I hope you find a peaceful decision that feel right to you.
~Michelle~
I’m having a really rough day. Can’t seem to pull myself together. Overwhelmed with path before me 🙁
Deb~ I my husbands case he has a pantyhose fetish that he developed around the age of 12. He started masturbating at age 7 chronically to ease the emptiness he felt by not getting love from his mom. She was a working mother so around the age of 12 his brain did a thing where he associated pantyhose with his working mother that refused to love him. He then took the “drug euphoric” feelings that he got from masturbating and place them on the object that represented her… pantyhose. This was his substitute/replacement for getting the “good” feeling he was lacking from the person he was lacking it from. It’s crazy how the brain works. So now after 30 some year he is still masturbating to pantyhose. So Sad 🙁
Holy crap I think it’s too late! It’s 4:52 a.m. right now. I’ve been up since 3 a.m. tossing and turning.
Yesterday H and I got into an argument over the phone at work. Long story short I said I had a Dr appointment to go get some xanax or something cuz I can’t handle living in this state of mind all raw all the time. He agreed and said tonight we would have a BIG talk about REAL things. Well when I came home from the Dr. H was up in his office on the computer. MInd you this was @ 5:30 and he is NEVER home before 6:30. He knew I had a Dr appointment so my guess is that he came home early to start cleaning shit off his computer.
The talk began around 8 p.m. and lasted until about 12:30 a.m. I’m still in such a haze from it all I’m not sure I could do the re-telling justice. It started off with me being hostile that he wouldn’t even consider for a moment to fight for his family. Then the blame game of well he can’t fight for our family NOW because I have gone and told some people about our business (my family) and he can NEVER show his face to them again. He is forever labeled with Shame and he can’t live like that. So BAM! I single handedly destroyed our family by reaching out for help.
Then there was the confronting about his phone. I tried and tried to get him to let me into to see whats in there and he REFUSED. I’m sure it’s loaded with tons of shit and texts and chats. I’m sure it’s a goldmine. He even sat there torturing me with saying that he really wishes he could trust me to tell me the things he wants to tell me but he doesn’t trust me because I have hurt him so much by telling others. He is afraid that what he has to say would be hurtful to me and that I would become vengeful and use it against him. WTF? Then why have me held down here on the bed making me listen to you say these things? Torture!!! Mind Fucking!! Power!!! Guilt!!! Punishment!!
Anyway, things came around to a totally different place at one point. I don’t know weather to be stupid and believe it or what. I chose to reach within myself and try to act from a place of who I am and not of a place of reaction to my pain, hurt and anger. Not an easy thing to do but I still do love this man even if he is a F’ed up shit bag right now.
He was still blowing off the whole SA thing as even being a problem. I pulled up a web page about living with a SA in denial and it listed out the makeup of denial and it was ringing so true. He tried to claim BS on the whole thing and say that any many that like sex is trying to be put in that category. blah blah blah
He was obviously trying to shut me up on this so I showed him love, kindness and support. (UGH!) I started to ball. I told him I’m sorry his mother fucked him up so badly and didn’t love him the way he deserved. I look at our boys and can’t imagine doing to them what she did to him. Many times I look at him and I see that poor hurt little boys who’s mommy never loved or nurtured him and how painful that must have been as a sweet innocent child to be so unimportant and not loved. My heart breaks for that boy….that boy that looks exactly like all 3 of my sweet precious babies.
He broke down into hard core tears. The ugly cry. I told him he deserved better than the life that he was living. The shallow stressful loneliness that is his life. Who would choose that for themselves. Weather we are together or not I want the father of my boys to be happy healthy and well. I cried and he cried and said “I don’t want help. I don’t want to fix it. It scares the shit out of me to think of NOT having my sexual identity. I know that it’s awful for you to hear that THIS is more important than anything but I would rathe DIE than fix this.” Then he went on to tell me that he has thought several times of doing just that…. killing himself. He thought it would be easier on the boys to just mourn the loss of their dad and move on with life than to watch him be an example of a fucked up looser.
Needless to say this whole conversation was WAY Heavier than I had set out to have. I held him while he sobbed and sobbed. He admitted that he did recognize himself in all these reading I read to him about SA and that his biggest fear was that I was going to try to use that as a way to keep him from seeing his kids. His dad only saw him for 2 hours on Sundays and that killed him on top of having the wack job of a mother.
I was honest and expressed to him that I can see this is going to be a divorce but I don’t want lawyers stepping in and putting things in our head to make it a war of the roses. Honestly we don’t have much to fight about. Our house is being foreclosed and was discharged in Bankruptcy so theres no debt there. Both our cars are paid for. We have no Credit card debt. There is not arguing that I get half his 401K. Child support and Alimony is a mathematical calculation that has nothing to do with debating. The only big item on the table is the kids.
We both agreed that we wanted the kids to come first. He agreed that the school I’m choosing is the best option for them. I told him I want to walk away from this with as much dignity and respect that I can. I want to show our boys a GOOD example. I have no desire to attach berate or flame their father because in the end it’s just as hurtful to them. I told him I was thinking of every Wed and every other weekend arrangement. He thought that sounded fair and good.
I then asked him about when he wanted to move out. Now here is where I see a possible challenge. We are in this house while it’s foreclosing. We have another 6-9 months that we can live here rent free. We are both of the mindset that it would be wasting money for him to go set up another household at the moment. If we can just stick it out here and behave ourselves and not get ugly it will financially benefit us both when we part ways. Now the tricky part is going to be the next few days and weeks as we start talking more real facts about real numbers. You know when you talk about your kids it’s all love, tenderness and good intentions. When it comes to your money it can start to get ugly.
Please pray for us that we can have the grace, dignity and respect for each other and our family as a whole to navigate this in a decent manner.
So what do you think. Is this going to be the quickest closure to a SA marriage or is this just the beginning of and even bigger roller coaster?
Either way, I went to the Dr yesterday and got some meds to help me through and I have a councilor appointment set for Friday.
Thanks for reading. I know it’s long.
~Michelle~I hear your story and think WOW 2 years later. Do I want to still be doing this 2 years from now. I’m 3 months in and my SAH is looking to be cut free. I know in my head that the smartest thing to do is just cut and run now but it’s still all messy and tied up with other feelings. I still love my H and I want healing for him. I know I can’t heal him. He has no desire at the moment to get it for himself. His solution is to just go off by himself so he can do freely without guilt what he is doing here in our marriage.
None of this is easy but I cringe to think of sitting in your shoes myself 2 years from now. It’s like looking in a magic mirror that isn’t clouded with the delusion that MY marriage and sense of self will heal enough to live happily ever after again.
{{HUGS}} to you and thanks for sharing.
~Michelle~Thanks guys. I do have to say I’ve swayed back and forth about the dirt digging. As a matter of fact I had scheduled a PI to come look at his computer today but I canceled it. At this juncture I don’t want to tip him off to start playing nasty. If his computer is tampered with he will know it and that could change his game.
I feel like the H that I KNEW an married would be apt to go away quietly if I made it easy on him so he could save face with his family. The other part of me says I don’t know WHO I’m dealing with anymore and this might just be all a big manipulation tactic and if he turns last minute to fight nasty I would like at least something on him. Even if a court won’t recognize it I know he wouldn’t want his family to know. I could use it as leverage that I would reveal to his family and that might be enough to make him back down.
I hate this indecision of not know which way is the right way to go. The PI is sure he has someone on the side. I’m sure he may but I’m not sure that he’s having sex with her. He hasn’t had the best of luck in the erection department lately. All though maybe he just saves that limp thing for me and gives away all the hard business to someone else.
Anyhow, I still have more pondering to do. I have a counselor appointment Friday. Let’s hope she can help. 🙂
~MIchelle~
Okay, so I’m tired. That lasted until 2 a.m. Most of which was spent in creepy silence. I won’t be able to do the whole conversation justice so I’ll jut relive some hi-lights.
H “I feel like I’ve lost you” Me “You didn’t lose me you threw me away and then stomped on me on the way out the door.”
H “I was brought up that you don’t discuss your personal business with other people. I didn’t tell my side of the family about this because if we worked it out I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable bringing you around them in the future” (WTF? I’m not the one doing anything to be ashamed of here but whatever!) Me “Well in my world when someone lights you on fire and walks away so they can go decide what if anything to do about the fire they just set you don’t just sit there and quietly burn to death. You scream for help”
H “Well even if I did want to make an effort to come back to the marriage and work on it I don’t think I could because your family hates me and I can’t deal with that.” Me “Regardless of us being together or not my family wants you to get help and heal. You ARE the father of our boys and they want the father of these boys to be healthy and well and right now you’re not. In the end my family would support me in whatever I chose.”
Then comes some good ole stuff H “you THINK I have a problem. It’s really not a problem at all. It’s just who I am. You are just now seeing the real me and you don’t like it but it’s who I am. (laying on the guilt of me rejecting his authentic self) You only like the other side of me that doesn’t challenge you and that is obedient to whatever you want me to do say or be. I am having my own self discovery during all this and I don’t like THAT part of me.”
Me “So you prefer the self indulgent pervert? The real problem here is that your not seeing that there are other options if you got help. There is a happy medium.” H “yeah I don’t think so. That’s just bullshit.” Well, I guess it’s his perspective and he’s entitled to it.
Anyway, it went on an on. Plenty of lines of his blaming me for everything. Suggested the only way we could be together is if he quit he job and we moved far away to start over in a new bubble where this whole thing never happened. Yeah right! Like I’m going to move far away from my support group with this unstable SA. Cuz that would be smart!
He’s playing all gentle and tearful. He wants to leave but in my opinion he is trying his best to manipulate me into letting him off easy and taking care of it all. He wants me to tell him I love him and support him on his journey to find himself in his new outed perverted world. He wants to be able to walk away to his new life to start lying to new people and wants to make sure he’s got me under enough of his pity spell that I will feel sorry for him and not out him to his family or the next girl.
We still didn’t “resolve” anything. I’m pretty sure it was just another exercise in his manipulative torture. He says he wants to be the Big Man who calls the shots in life but he’s sitting around here sucking his thumb waiting for me to take care of all the dirty work. I fully think he expects me to call the attorney and get that all figured out, find him an apartment and set up house for him like a mom would do for a college kid. UGH!
Sorry this is so long. If you’ve read this far thanks. I’m sure there will be more to come. I just need a little more time to take care of a few more things around here. I’ve got to get some poop on him for leverage. The way he is acting now I don’t think I would need to use it but I need an insurance policy incase he decides to get nasty. Let’s face it, these guys are Dr Jekyl an Mr Hyde.
Love to you all
~Michelle~Ugh! The agony of the day continues. He came home. We ate dinner. After dinner he followed me to my room (that is where I spend all my time these days to avoid him) He tries the laying down holding me thing with that silence about him and the look that says he’s about to pour it all out and then NOTHING. He is a chicken shit. Meanwhile I’m getting all uncomfortable and nervous. I realize he has the upper hand at the moment and I wanted to take it back. He is emotionally terrorizing me with this weird thing he is doing… holding onto me being silent and ominous. I pull away and say I’m heading to the grocery store. He grabs me by the waist of my shorts and tried to pull me back. I resist and literally have to PRY his fingers off my clothes.
I leave, go shopping, come home, drop off the groceries and head back out the door for a walk. Trying to let him sit at home and stew a bit like I do all day every day. I come back and he is watching a movie with the boys. It should be over soon and I know that any moment now the kids will go to bed and he will head in here to the bedroom to be all creepy again. Either I am going to be in for a long night or he will chicken out and fall asleep again like last night. Either way I need a Xanax, lol.
I love you guys, your feisty 🙂
I’ll keep ya posted
~Michelle~Thank you all for your support here. He is on his way home. Who knows what tonight will bring or if he will chicken out of whatever was on his mind earlier.
All I know is that I have felt like a crazed lunatic today and if I could jump out of my own skin I would do so. I’ve been on the phone all day planning war. Now when he walks in the door I have to play calm and collected as to not tip my hand.
Janet~ aren’t we so lucky to have such kind hearted considerate husbands? PUKE! LOL 🙂 The worst part is that he is trying to manipulate this whole thing so he can somehow walk away with his untarnished good sweet polite wonderful reputation in tact. Lousy piece of CRAP! Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent. Just feeling overloaded today and I don’t know what I’m walking into tonight.
~Michelle~I know I have to keep reminding myself of just how awesome of a liar and manipulator my SAH is/has been. Regardless of if he could change I have to also keep asking myself if I can live the rest of my life constantly being on guard micro looking at all his actions and words to find what is truth and what is lie. It sounds completely exhausting to me . I don’t think that is something that I can commit to til death do us part. I know I’m not crazy now but if I chose to live the rest of my life like that I’m sure I will be.
{{HUGS}}
~Michlle~Lord help me. I read all this post and it freaks me out. As you know I’m new into D. I have ZERO proof of H’s SA other than what I witness and what he said to me (and he will NOT seek help or admit it anywhere else). That won’t mean crap in court. My SAH said at the very beginning when he was going to walk out on us that he would get 50% custody. That freaks me out. Like you said about your SAH, he can handle pretending to be father of the year for a short bit but he can’t keep that up for long. It’s too time consuming and bothersome. It will get in the way of all his “activities”. Thats all I need is for my kids to spend half their time over daddy’s house parked in front of a TV or computer while daddy is off in his room looking and porn, cyber sexing and masturbating for hours on end. That’s what he does here so why would things be any different. The only thing is that now at least I am here to deal with the kids and not leave them hanging.
Best of luck to you Helen. I will continue to follow this as it gives me good info to consider myself. {HUGS}
~Michelle~