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Long, painful week. Our girls (14 & 16) were told today and are devastated. They are remarkable young woman. I was in awe of their insights and forthrightness. Sadly, my eldest disowned her dad and my youngest expressed she felt betrayed by him. For now they mourn and must process through the tangled ball of emotions. They have a great network and we will eventually heal and thrive. Thank you, Deb, for asking.
You can by drug tests fairly inexpensive at your local pharmacy. There are a few different ones, so be sure you purchase one that tests specifically for pot. Test is similar to a pregnancy test.
Kat,
My heart aches for you now and for the future that is possibly ahead. I suspect this will become more of a big deal to you as you discover how deep the roots are for this type of addiction and how great the collateral damage can become. Sadly, the roots will likely grow deeper regardless; however, having no boundaries and an openness on your part for him engage in these activities can be fertilizer for its growth.
I highly recommend you read the book, Your sexually Addicted Spouse-How Partners Can Cope, as well as other material (more listed on this site) to research how this addiction tends to intensify, both in severity of choices and the addicts ability to shamelessly lie.
I so wish I could turn the clock back 14 years to the first time I discovered my h had secretly used a credit card to access porn while I was out of state. He assured me it was a one time deal…”not a big deal” and it would never happen again. There now exists a 14 year (plus an additional 4 prior to the first discovery) trail of lies, deceits, and betrayals which concluded yesterday by his revelation that no addiction exists and he is now filing for divorce because it IS A VERY BIG DEAL to me now.
Please, please take time to honestly evaluate your current reality. You positively deserve to be “loved, honored, and cherished”. I pray that you experience a very different future from my past (and many others on this site).
I am so sorry for your pain.
He is the only one “convinced” that he is not an addict. He is a poster child, denial and all! Struggling to fathom having to wake another day, let alone process the future. Good friends-yes. I am pulled between rage for all that he has stolen over the years (recent worse as his “issues” intensified) and devastation over all the broken promises/lies/deceit mixed with future dreams demolished. Top that with the agony he will be pouring onto the girls.
Bev, I apologize that my first remark caused you and perhaps others to feel I was inferring anyone carelessly or half hazardly walked away from their marriage. Marriage is intended to be mutually loving and safe, and when those are ripped away by the nightmares we have faced…then the vows are broken! We are freed to choose the next steps -given our unique & complex individual realities. Again, sorry.
I honestly never doubted all here have fought hard…fighting passionately seems imbedded in who we are as woman. I also painfully know fighting hard doesn’t guarantee a saved/healthy/happy marriage. I am fairly certain mine will not remain intact and I have fought damn hard (perhaps too hard for too long) for many, many years. Though the scars are deep and exhaustion has set in for me, I am encouraged by testimonies of woman whose husbands are engaged and hope is alive within their marriages.
I remain personally on the fence, though I think I am still willing to consider a future with my h if it did not mirror the past (this has been a long, drawn out battle of apparent steps forwards, then fresh discoveries that where worse than the previous ones). I reviewed Dr Minwalla information. How much is his two week intensive? I have a meeting next week with my H as a follow-up to a confrontation last week where I presented documentation of his secret life (we are separated). It is now time for him to choose option A (continue pursuing his secret life and divorce me) or B (wholehearted devotion to recovery and potential reconciliation). If he mouths the words of B then I will request immediate lie detector test, STD test, and perhaps this 2-week intensive. I want to believe a future different from the past can occur, but have no trust in my h words at present. I suspect those three request will cause him to return to option A, even if he didn’t choose it first.
I strongly support passionately pursing healing and restoration of marriage, and am eager to hear good news from Claire, hurtandconfused, and others.
Welcome, dear. We all know how your world gets turned upside down and your sense of security and safety gets stripped following discovery/discoveries. I hope this can help you along your journey to healing…offering a safe place to ask questions, share your story, and connect with others who truly understand.
Susie,
A warm embrace from us all. I have likened the false recoveries and slow disclosures/discoveries to water board torture, just when you think it’s over &/or you think you know everything there is to know…BAM, down you go again. Each time healing feels further away, and at times feels impossible. I am so sorry for the pain his deceit & betrayal is causing.
You should be proud for having the courage to begin counseling. You are positively worth it…we all are, despite the hellacious messages we heard from the person who should have cherished and lavished us with love! I am slowly becoming convinced that each of us can not only heal (slowly), but can eventually thrive beyond anything we would have believed (especially during those weeks/months following discovery). Jos, I pray the lies and wounds within your heart/mind/soul resulting from the horror you were forced to face are eradicated with truth, life, and love in the days ahead.
Bev’s idea is great…hard to personally stomach speaking/typing affirm words, but legally effective. I used a similar technique, via email, to ensure verbal financial agreements were documented, as well as his confessed disclosures in order to give to my lawyer.
I am sickened to read daily accounts of the agony sisters are experiencing across the globe. I am so sorry for your pain and the insanity of it all. I think your questions continually ring in all of our heads/hearts asking how can this man be the same as the one we once loved, bore children with, and trusted. I think that is one, of countless, reasons the betrayal devastates us so holistically.
Nap and Liza are absolutely correct. It is essential that you develop a plan. Do you have a friend that you can sit down with and brainstorm your options and develop an action plan, even if it might take time to fulfill? I am so very sorry that this pain and constant personal insult is your current reality.
I am grateful for the kindness and encouragement expressed. Sorry this is long. I am still trying to process.
My first comment might sound odd, but I believe God gifted me with a wave of anger as I drove to the appointment. I had been crying for days with a penetrating pain resembling someone having to drive to the hospital to pull the plug on a dear loved one. I desperately wanted to do this meeting well and without the interference of tears. The anger allowed me to speak with directness, clarity, and to stay focused on the purpose of the meeting.
I believe the meeting went as well as it could have. I met last week with his counslor to share the facts I had gathered (of course the counselor couldn’t tell me if he knew any of it…but his shocked look was eveident) and to ask for the ability to confront my husband in his office. The counselor began today by affirming he believed this meeting was right, given what I was about to share. He also allowed me to end it when I felt best.
My husband has a incredible ability to stick his foot in his mouth, when given the chance…and the few words he spoke today left several shoestrings hanging from the rims of his mouth!
There was a long silence after I read the words I’d written. His first response was to say that everything I spoke was true (really??? I had lots of documented proof) and then followed with “I want you to know that I have not broken our vows.” I almost came unglued. Instead, I took a deep breath, adamently tapped the letter and said, “each of the separate facts listed were you breaking our vows!!!” He replied with frustration, “you see it that way, but I do not.” You could see his counselor was hoping my husband would quit speaking.
I informed him that his close friends were being told and I was prayerfully contemplating sharing this with his parents because he needs help. His asinine response was, “oh, I have been communicating with them” (with a look inferring they know what sort of a bitch I am). Again, I tapped the paper and asked, “so they are aware of these facts”? He sheepishly hung his head and mumbled, “no”.
My dear friend and the wife of my pastor sat through the appointment with me. Afterwards we drove to the church, where my best friend waited with tea, chocolate, and lots of love. Both waited patiently for the wave of tears to arrive and held me tight until they subsided.
I have been home for about an hour and I think I am okay. I arranged for my girls to go to a friends house until bedtime, so I am home alone for the evening. Strangely, I had not processed anything beyond today at 1pm, so I am in a bit of a daze. I told my friends after the meeting that I expected more peace, but instead I feel like I’ve just been informed that an explosion occurred nearby and am now waiting to discover if the “fallout” will be from a nuclear disaster or simply ash from one of our local mountains…both clearly affect life, but one is deadly.
I am absolutely convinced I did the right thing, regardless of the upcoming fallout, and that brings some peace. I am waiting a disc fusion surgery on Nov 1st, so my greatest fear is he will drop me from his insurance or take away financial support. I am not filing for divorce, but have the lawyer on standby.
@lynng2 – he physically left the house in June and lives in the same town as my girls and I.
Thank you all for the warm welcome. As true for ALL who post a, “why you are here” explanation there is so much more left unsaid. I started & finished the book, “Your spouse is a sex addict: how to cope and heal” on Monday, which helped me to stumble upon this group. I have been wandering around confused and unsure how to find a network of others who have experienced this sort of lies/betrayals.
A bit more of the story…I was laid off May 15th from a nonprofit that I co-founded and served as executive director for the past 7 years, due to low funds (hard days for nonprofits). I am currently unemployable due to an injury that occurred when my husband forgot to replace a cover on our crawlspace- held within our walkin closet. I am scheduled for a disc fusion Nov 1st and focus on managing pain until then (both physical and emotional).
My husband recently completed a full psych eval at the request of his counselor. Results were mailed to the house, so I have a copy. The summation included a passive aggressive narcissist who lacks empathy and lies if he believes it helps to get a desired outcome. On the outside he looks like a sweet, caring, service minded christian man (has served in several church leadership roles). He has created multiple fantasy worlds over our 18 years of marriage, so I am unsure if his current on-line dating profiles are things that is actively pursuing or simply another alternative fantasy world (which is bad enough). I learned of his on-line dating profiles, male enhancement pills, hidden credit card, & apparent intentions to transfer out of state by looking at his email/Facebook. 18 months ago he provided me codes after he secretly approached two past girlfriends on Facebook. He has clearly forgotten that I have access. I am unsure if I should maintain access (to use if he pursues divorce) or remind him. Also, I bounce between looking regularly or not looking…I have not looked since discovering the recent list of betrayals.-I’d love thoughts from others on both matters).
I told a friend on Monday that it feels like I am beginning to move from trauma/crisis mode towards surviving mode, but that I sense I closely reflect a severely wounded individual who is no longer bleeding due to a secure tourniquet rather than someone who has recovered. I pray for healing, but am aware it is further off in the distance. That’s a tad more of the story.
Blessings to all along our journeys.