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“I only lie about important shit, sex and money” everything else I am honest.
I could never have an affair. I just do my thing.
this whole experience has left me very confused about love. when a man says he loves me. what is that? i keep thinking Tina Turner– “what’s love got to do with it?” nothing. what does love have to do with abuse. harm. control. power. selfishness. lack of respect. deceit. where is love for the partner in those items? and behaviors?
i honestly do not know what love is anymore. but i know what it is NOT- another words, I can now define what love isn’t *thanks so exsah. it may actually be defining point to knowing what love IS and Could be, in my future. consistant loving behavior. that is what is required. but i don’t think it is out there. as of now, I think all men are sick/narc/liars out to use/abuse/get what they can. i don’t think there are good men anymore. or ones that will be worth while. not perfect, just worth the effort.
Hello – ladies wanted to refer to KMF’s earlier post in the thread. what that wise therapist said – “invest in your own life.”
that is what real hope looks and feels like. when we invest in our own lives.
investing our energes in our SAH, or exsah’s, is throwing good efforts at bad ones. how does it help?
I think for most, the long stemmed deep engrained behaviors, are permanent. it’s brain damage, there may be improvement from time to time, but the condition is always there. It is potent and lethal to partners. beware. proceed with caution, for those who stay.
I like this thread. I also think it is fair to say that it is UNSAFE for SAFE people to try to negotiate with an UNSAFE person. they do not respond like a another SAFE person would. the rules just don’t apply.
All SA’s are unsafe IMO.
I sleep with a hammer under my bed. Sad, but true. Just in case. I’ve been out over a year now!
“Never trust a man with your chickens or your children.”
I read that somewhere, LOL.I trust about 40%. that he will pick up his daughter, take care of the house/bills etc. be reliable to a fair degree.
ahh, maybe 30%. 70% of him is pure bullshit
agreed KMF, it is the loss of the dream, that is truly the hardest of all. even in my own independent life now, part of me still hangs on at times. still can’t believe this is it.
some things that help me digest it all, when i have sad thoughts like:
“we are not a family any more”.
we are a family. there is a mother and a father and child. the family has transitioned to seperate parents. and it is for the best.that one helps me a lot.
or,
“now I am all alone, with no one to help me.”
well, i may be alone, but that does not mean lonely. and these ex’s have to help still in certain ways, with kids, or financially, whether they like it or not. so some help is there.
i also comfort myself with the fact, i may be alone, but no one is abusing, cheating, or causing craziness, neither. alone, is in many ways, easier.just some of my comfort clauses to myself. thought i’d share
This thing, this SA and all of it’s ugly deformities, does change us. We are no longer who we were before we knew.
my feelings still vary from love and care, to bitterness and unforgiveness. still there is a lot of confusion in this, and where we’ve all ended up as a result. it really is the titanic!
nothing wrong with feeling pity for them. or slipping on an old pet name. what would be wrong, is telling ourselves their behavior is ok, or not that bad, etc. living in denial would wrong. have a feeling or two isn’t.
it’s okay to have our moments. as long as we keep going in the right direction and don’t let them sway us back to an unhealthy place.
just my thoughts.
Harmony
I share your pain. I am very sorry he is requesting more time with the kids.
think of your bargaining chips, we all have some. something he wants, etc.
if there is any way you could have a converasation with him directly, or mediation, that may help also. it would reduct costs also
i am so glad to hear some postive news, both on dating and your son’s award. I’ve been very chicken to date— it’s nice to hear some positive feedback!
Teri it’s okay to have bad days. and not feel or be optimistic. sometimes these jackasses really do get the upperhand, or just know how to ruin things so perfectly.
but remember, Bat is going to the program — that is a major battle one by you. even dr. evil will not be able to pooh pooh it completely, no matter how hard he strives. Bat is in the program her should be, with his mother by his side.
Teri, you are ahead by far. and so is Bat. dr evil can only do so much. he is limited. at least the pain is limited.
wow. what an amazing day. I think the most painful parts are indeed behind you. i am sure there will be moments, there always are, but it just keeps getting easier as we go on. congratulations. really, well done.
Hi terri so far the schedule works. No over nights. Also doesnt bring it into house. He goes out for that. But i guess he will be layin low since hes contagious still.
So far so good w daughter. But as always tht cld change. Itsay by day living and monitoring. I am friendly enough w him to keep monitoring as much as i canYeah does anyone know an upscale sa crowd? I am having a party this weekend . Free anti biotics for everyone. Ill be sure to invite exsahs friends.
I was not exposed haven’t slept w that dummy in over 16 months.
The syphilis was caught early so his contact w it was recent.
Yuck. Whats next? F&)&ng leprosy!!! Who the fuck gets syphilis. Only 55000 cases in us per year are diagnosed with syphilis.
Thats not a lot. I hope he calls his most recent contacts to share the news. Like eeeeewww
Hi courtney
Well i think he got sort of trapped into telling me. He had a swollen lymph node under his chin. Plus a bad wht looked like a canker sore. I told him to go the dr for lymph node. He did. First he told me he had strep. But i did not believe cuz they shot him full of mega anyi biotics. So i std. I think he told me cuz hes relieved its
not hiv. But who knows why he tells me anything. He has this need to vonfess. Cant explainDear Tired,
take courage. I do believe that often children know, and see more than we think. ultimatley, of course they miss their Dad, and having everyone under one roof. change is hard.
i don’t know what your relationship is like with your ex, but if you are talkng, coming up with an explanation or mantra you can both stick to can help.
or, you can level with them to some degree. That their done has done some things that really hurt a marriage. and you need time apart.
i actually think it’s important they know that the SAH has done something wrong. no details, but they need to know you made a good decision in leaving him. so they trust your judgment. “we just don’t love each other anymore”. won’t make sense. and in fact, you both likely do have love for each other. but it’s not workable or healthy. or okay to stay together under the circumstances.
i don’t think young children need details. but they deserve some kind of explanation. it helps them trust us. and helps them heal.
my exsah was such an ahole, i didn’t need to say a thing. my daughter never questions. she knows. but in less obvious circumstances, i think explanations, are good. perhaps your ex will be on board with one. perhaps not.
but think about how you want them to look at you. it matters. and he, exsah, won’t give a shit how they view you. he will only want to protect himself.
not to mention, the reason for my restraining order?
he literally stood in the doorway of walk in closet and was not going to let me out. he planned to keep me there” all day”the police thought differently. 🙂
crazy bastard.
how jacked in the head must one be to do something like that?and how jacked is our court system? lapd dropped the charges. did not prosecute.
i was just a crazy wife making shit up.
Dear Bev,
I think it’s good that your MIL have a general understanding of what has happened to you. And more importantly, the damage her son has caused. whichever you decide to tell her, i think is great. and i love your stance on your sah’s shame factor. too bad. so sad. the end. you sound strong, and that’s so great!
but keep in mind, MIL is a classic enabler. she was married to an alcholic abuser type. and struggles with guilt of not protecting her children enough.
classic enablers deny the truth. minimize. she has done this a great deal of her own life, just to survive.
the result? really really fcked up kids. now adults.
just dont’ be surprised if denial and minmizing your reality and pain, and HIS actions, comes up. it’s already in the DNA.
honestly. play careful. and realize even if you provided proof positive photos, you may not get the reaction you want.
but it does sound, like she really cares for you and genuinely misses you, and had a hard life herself.
but the parents of these monsters. well, if they accept the truth of their behavior, it only means one thing– they failed as parents. MIL, and FIL, will deny severity, at any cost. so they can live with themselves more easily. this sh*t is learned!!! and not original. unfortunately.
my exsah sister– gorgeous woman. extremely bright. became a stripper. substance abuser. and announced on facebook that when her mother died, she was going to dance and take a big sh*t on her grave. she honestly wrote that.
the fruit does not fall far from the tree.
i dont know if the truth will matter to MIL. i hate to say that, but I just don’t know.
agreed with for-now. it is another victory for you, and your homeschooling and rearing. Dr. evil just can’t stand it.
I think your prediction is. right on. Bat jr will go. Bat Sr. will try to involve himself somehow and take credit.
but the end result is the same: Bat goes. and all credit will point toward you Teri. what a proud moment.
Dr. evil will lose, time and time and time again. the same lesson, that he will not accept responsibilty for.
he fucked up his family and chose his selfsh addiction over all other options. nice going doc….
Teri, you are winning. I know it might not seem like it sometimes. but you are….
Dear allcat62
so glad you are going to a partner intensive. finally, something for YOU!! you are being very courageous. courage is following through, in spite yof our fears and anxiety. you have real courage allcat62. it will be rewarded.
welcome to HELL LAY!! i’m here…
Dear see the light
so many great posts here. I really liked “Do not, I repeat, do not confront him with this. He will give you some asinine bull shit answer that will have some tiny amount of believability to it. And you know what? You will hang onto that tiny shred of believability b/c you want to believe”
i ditto that.
my exsah was also into men and tranny’s. and ads and who knows.
the question that comes up for me, Diane touched on it in her post, is
where is our bottom? we talk about an addict’s bottom. how about our’s? is it porn? is it female prostitutes? is it men? is it when our spouses are bottoms or tops?
what’s our boundary? we soon end up having none.
say nothing. draw the line. easier said than done when there are children. but the children’s boundaries get compromised along with ours also, if we keep letting the sa tug us along down their dark hole.
again where do we draw the line? it will be different for everyone I think. but we must ultmately decide. goes for me too.all i can say is, when my 7 year old (6 at the time) said
“mommy why didn’t you move out sooner?”
i was sorry i hadn’t .
i’t strange, as i don’t think we are left explaining why we left so much, as why we stayed. kids get why we or or dad moves out. they logically get it.
but staying? when all the home is hell’s bells? how do we justify that?
i couldn’t. the truth will always comfort us, when we transition to something healthy
he told me.
the only thing documentable, is that he was positive for benz (valium) in rehab detox.
meth cocaine, leaves the system quickly.
no, i don’t really want my kid around him without me there.
he doesn’t use when home or with Jacqleen. it is outside home — and i would call child services. this, he knows.
so, on days he doesn’t have her, he parties. days he does (after school a couple days per week 230 – 7pm) he doesn’t use.
he manages his use. and i know when he’s high. anytime i pick up daughter and he’s high, i will call 911 ambulence saying i think he’s o.d’s.
social services would get involved then. I don’t want that. but now that I have evidence of his stay in RH, it can help me a lot in the future. prior to, Teri, i had nothing. no dui, no arrests, nada.
