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I tend to think that they can control it. As far as I know my H just started with SA activities a few years ago. He’s always been compulsive. When he ran, he ran 2x per day and wanted to do a 100miler. When he drank, he drank 2 bottles of wine per night. Now he lifts weights; he’s huge, and taking steroids to maintain. I kind of feel the SA could be controlled… I feel like he’s more a compulsive person that a person addicted to sex. Sex just happens to be easy to find (massage parlors, internet, iphone, etc…)
No sex for 1 and a half years now. When I first found out about the affair, I wanted to have sex all the time. Then I found out it wasn’t a one time deal. He’d been screwing around for years, and reconnected with his fuck buddies after he’d witnessed the devastation I had experienced. I felt pathetic, so pathetic. Its hard to even think about how screwed up I was.
H feels like a martyr. Loves telling me, his friend, and therapist how much he’s sacrificed, and with no guarantee of a reunion. WOW! I just can’t have sex. I feel so used. I’d rather sell my body for money… at least I’d have something to show for it, and wouldn’t be delusional enough to believe it was love.
Sorry SD, I’m having a bad day.I’m having a tough day. Lynn, your post was right on. The H and I had a discussion last night. I confronted him with my observations, and IMO he should have fallen all over himself to make it right, but he just sat there staring… he had no response.
He told me not long ago (and this was meant as a compliment) that he felt like “shallow hal” from the movie. He said that all he sees is my beauty, how wonderful I am. It made me wonder what he does see in me. I told him that it appears to me that he feels a certain benevolence for being with me. Like he’s sacrificing something. Now I wonder (and I asked him) what it is that he feels he’s looking past. No answer. I wish I had the courage to leave.
I like Donna’s advice. You could easily end up looking like a crazy, vengeful ex. Unfortunately, I don’t believe other people can see through their shit… if they did, you wouldn’t have to consider revealing him. Terri’s whisper campaign has some merit because its not overt. Just put it out there, and walk away.
Lightbulb moment! Maybe April 1 can be my big shopping day anniversary. I could go out and buy the expensive purses and shoes I usually pass up! Thanks Bev!!!
…and every time I make a purchase I’ll say “who’s the fool?”I’m not affected much by anniversaries. I can’t remember the exact date I found out about the cheating… information kind of trickled in followed by an avalanche. Ironically, the BIG betrayal (found out he reconnected with his f-buddies) came on April 1. That day I always ask myself, “who’s the fool?”
Thank you Bev for starting this post. Like Daisy, my father was my hero. He was hardworking and resourceful. He didn’t take the time to screw off. He was always focused on making sure our needs were met. He worked to change things for the better in our rural community. When he felt he’d hit a wall he ran for public office. He seemed fearless to me.
My son is incredibly lovable, and generous. I didn’t know until after his senior year, but he was somewhat of a role model at his small high school. He was always secure with himself and was popular with everybody for being a nice guy. I can only imagine how crushed he’ll be when/if he finds out about his father…. It would be naive of me to think he won’t find out.
I often wonder, even if I wanted to start over, would I be able to identify an SA? I thought I knew my husband. I LIVED with my husband. What’s to keep me from making the same mistake again? UGH.
But to answer your question… yes. There are good men out there.
…and on a lighter note I have to add: my father was a big, burly, mountain man kind of guy. Very intimidating first impression. I have a girlfriend who thinks it’s hilarious that I find that type of man attractive. I know its because I associate those physical characteristics with dependability, integrity and other positive attributes my father possessed.Rifford,
My heart aches for you. I’m so sorry for all you are going through. I know the depression can seem so deep… so consuming. I know that my children saved me. There were days when I wanted to drift off to sleep and never wake up. It does get better. Take time for yourself. I started taking weekends at the beach every couple of months… alone. It was so healing. I could get out of the craziness and think about my life objectively. Just like the other sisters I can identify with a lot of your story. Somebody here used the word “dichotomy”. That’s the word I’ve been looking for to describe my husband… to me it has been the most confounding part of this whole thing.
Take it easy on yourself. You’re so raw right now… you need time to heal. It will happen. Hang in there.HI Wren,
I’m new here as well. My meltdown came January of 2011. I forgave him because our family has had multiple deaths close together and I thought he was having a nervous breakdown. I was devastated, but felt we could work through it because he threw himself at my feet. 3 months later I found out that he had reconnected with 2 of his girlfriends. That was the day our marriage really died. I had just started back to school and have 2 13 year old boys, so I am staying… for now. My FIL cheated on my MIL and I always wondered why she stayed. I told myself I would NEVER put up with that shit. It absolutely KILLED me to finally admit that I was no different than her, willing stay with a liar and cheat.I’ve told myself that if he doesn’t change in a very profound way by the time I graduate I will ask him to leave. But I’ve compromised my values and self-respect before. The truth is… I really don’t know how much I’m willing to take.
Some of his SA activity was done via video chat; I’ve told him that if any of it surfaces we are done. The shame and humiliation would be overwhelming. … but now I wonder.
I feel that talking about things here, and not sweeping them under the rug, although painful, has at least kept me honest. Its a start.Like you, I have also questioned the dual personalities of my husband. Some days are really good. He’s going to counseling 2 days a week. Most days we still enjoy each others company. He WAS my best friend. This is infinitely confusing to me. Check out a post I started “the flip side” for more feedback on the confusion of reconciling good times with a SA. I guess nobody would stay if it was all bad.
I hope you hang around Wren, I think you will find it liberating to talk about all the crap you’re dealing with. I’m pretty sure the ladies have heard it all. I know it’s pretty hard to shock me anymore!
I’ll be thinking of you Artemis. He treated you badly and moved on too quickly… sounds like he was only really in it for what he could GET. Try to view him objectively at your meeting today. How many times does he blame you? How many time does he turn the conversation to himself? You’ve been given an opportunity to break free… run!
You’re a beautiful person who deserves more. Don’t allow him to dim your light!
RainaI’m so sorry alicemarie. I feel for you. I’m sorry you live in fear of your former SA. That has to be incredibly stressful. You’re doing the right thing by keeping your cool and engaging with him as little as possible. Your son will grow to understand that you are a solid, dependable and loving mother. I think kids know implicitly who they can depend on and who they cannot.
I have a tendency to put myself down, which was really exacerbated by the SA discovery. Wellbutrin has helped me tremendously. I always said I would never take antidepressants. I cried and cried when the Dr. recommended it, but I’ve found that they’ve given me the ability to cope with a situation that is not easily fixable. Maybe consider meds to help you through?
Enjoy your little guy, and know that you will be a guiding light in his life.
Big HugI think he could very well bring the issue out of the shadows. David Duchovny and Tiger Woods did take a lot of heat, but nowhere near the public disdain that a woman would experience. The world is less forgiving to deviant female sexual behavior.
Ultimately though, we ARE talking about it now, and I’m sure many more in the congregation will be talking about it as well. It usually takes a bit of controversy to attract public attention.
Hi Queen Bee. Such a lonely discovery. I’m glad you found this place because its too big a burden to bear alone.
This is the first I’ve heard of this. It’s so sad, and yes, does sound very familiar. Initially I wanted to help my husband because I felt he had a mental breakdown, but realized that if I didn’t help myself I would have a breakdown. It will be interesting to see where this goes… How things progress for them. He may well impact the trauma discussion.
Trish, I didn’t go see Capt. Phillips because it looks SO intense. Now that I you’ve told us about your son I’ve got to go see it. I know Hanks is very selective about the roles he takes, so it’s go to be good. ugh… but intense. BIG bag of popcorn required.
It was interesting. The perspective of somebody who’s dealt with SA is going to be entirely different from somebody who hasn’t. I was thinking “okay, we get it, enough with the porn”, but maybe that was to demonstrate how pathetic it is? How unreal, distant, objectifying etc..?
I felt this movie portrayed women as dependent or needy in one way or another, and didn’t delve nearly deep enough into the damage it causes on so many levels. “Recovery” was grossly oversimplified, which was very disappointing. However, I have to say I’m glad to see a movie dealing with porn addiction. Awareness is good, but the message was weak.
I understand Teri, I also filtered out Christian sources. I am a Christian, but have found that many of the sources have a narrow perspective. They tend to have clearly defined definitions of porn, relationships, addiction etc… None of which seemed to fit my needs.
I also felt embarrassed and ashamed when it all came down. At the time I was taking on the embarrassment and shame that I was certain he would feel… wrong. He didn’t seem to be any more distressed than if he had been in a fender bender. If he was feeling shame he certainly hid it well.
That sounds like an incredibly creepy movie. Maybe there’s something more to evening groping than I originally thought. Fear of rejection? Selfish one-sided sex? Fear of intimacy?
Lisa, I am inspired by your determination. I’ve noticed that I feel better physically and mentally when I can spend time away from my husband. It’s the only time I feel I can think clearly, and I seem to have so much more energy. Stay strong! It sounds like its been a long haul, and things are finally coming together for you. Your openness to new opportunities is really paying off… hopefully the excitement of the new job, and your son’s affection will pull you through any depression you’re feeling.
My husband had one gf’s name hidden in his phone under the (misspelled) name of a business associate he frequently works with. I didn’t discover this until after the reveal. So John Smith was entered as Johnny Smith. I didn’t suspect a thing. I think he may be on the sly again, but I’m so tired of the game that I don’t have the energy to chase all the leads. Is this the beginning of apathy? perhaps, but it feels so much better than the crazy, circular cat-and-mouse game I was caught in.